In the darkest pit of the blackest of eternal nightmares, a shadowy figure
searched the ground with Great Evil Intent. As his unlit hand probed the
unseen floor, another figure, even more dark and mysterious than the first,
appeared in the doorway.

"Master?" it announced its presence.

*THUMP!*

"Ow! Bloody table..." The Lord of Ultimate Evil and General Badness cursed the
non-viewable article of furniture that had leapt in front of his rising noggin.
The Hand of Destruction reached up and rubbed protectively over the sore spot.
Annoyed, he acknowledged his visitor. "Yes, yes what is it?"

"The group of eight heroes have obtained the first seal."

"Weren't there only six heroes?"

"Well yes, but if you read the Weekly Evil Newsletter the publishing department
puts out, like I recommended to you countless times, you would know that they
have enlisted the help of two Chocobos and are currently en route to Woofer
Island."

"How am I supposed to read the bloody newsletter when it's too dark in here to
even see my own feet? Who said lairs of evil had to be so dim and moody, anyway?
I want some light, damnit! I dropped my glasses on the floor two weeks ago and
haven't been able to see anything since then. I have to walk like I'm on
bleeding eggshells so I don't trip over any of the furniture with the pointy
corners that sting like a bastard when you hit it with your shin! And now I have
worry about stepping on my glasses! Am I or am I not the Evil Bleeding Overlord
here? I order you to get us frigging lighting down here! Also I'd like a bigger
desk! And stuff to put on it like one of those clacky things with the silver
balls on fishing line! Yes! Those are very evil!"

"Ye... yes, my lord, right away." the shadowy figure started out the door.

"And minion..."

"Yes, my lord?"

"Who are you? I can't see anything with out my glasses."

"I am Xelloss, my lord. Man of Mystery. Master of Kitchenware. And part-time
Girl Friday."

"Good. Be off with you." With that, Xelloss departed, leaving the Mastermind of
Forever Not Nice Things to continue his search. "Bloody vision correction
device..."


~!@#$%^&*()_+

Otaku Wish Fulfillment Theatre: Minus the Theatre Part.

You are currently listening to the insane (and inane) ramblings of: ELRutt

Series originated by: Scott Schimmel

Original characters created by: Various Moms and Dads

Chapter cinq: Breaking the Previously Established Pattern of Chapter Titles

+_)(*&^%$#@!~


Scott, Illyria and Kate were having the time of their lives. Sure they had flown
in planes before, but it was nothing compared to the splendor and beauty of
riding an enormous bird bareback across a vast body of water. They way the wind
rushed through their hair, the gentle flapping of Ranma X.'s wings, the
sense of profound peace, a feeling that everything in the world was right.
All this, plus free soft-serve ice cream to heighten the experience.

Conversely, Arwen, Steven, and Dan were all living out their worst nightmares.
Zack Hibiki seldom flew straight. When he did, it was rarely upright. It was all
they could do just to hang on. Had Steven not been otherwise distracted by his
proximity to a certain martial artist, he might have wet himself, thrown up and
passed out all in a typical side-kicky fashion. As it was, Dan was definitely
having the worst trip of the three. Not only was he stuck flying backwards, but
as the freakishly purple Chocobo flew it sang the most incessant love songs the
1930's had to offer. Dan, as the one closet to the head of the avian in reverse,
could do nothing but hang on tightly and listen to every wrong note the
obnoxious bird squawked out.

Unfortunately for Scott and Kate, the trip was soon over. The experience went by
too quickly as far as they were concerned. The two girls had a look of sadness
on their faces as the dismounted Ranma X.

Illyria, who was too cool to ever break into whoops of glee, was glad the trip
was over. It was hard to pose dramatically when clinging to the body of a bird.
Now he tossed his long hair over his shoulder while the sun set slowly in the
background. This he did with a great sense of pride which, for all intents and
purposes, was not apparent on his outward appearance.

As soon as Zack came within falling distance, Dan leapt off. He had had
all he could take. After landing not-so-softly on the shore, he pressed his soft
lips to the sandy beach. His tongue slowly caressing the delicate texture of the
microscopic earth particles. Had the inanimate grains been given the ability,
they would have blushed a bright rose or slapped him with a giant spatula. Doing
the only thing it could do in response to his expression of love, the sand
specks clung to his lips, afraid that letting go might mean never seeing him
again. All in all it made for quite a disgusting scene for the rest of the
party to bear witness to.

Arwen, having a more rational caring for her well-being, waited for Zack to
touch ground before dismounting. When the ride had reached a full and complete
stop, she hopped off. Beginning the post-flight full-limb stretch out, she
noticed an odd weight attached to her backside. The look on her face was not one
many men live to see twice.

"Steve, we landed. You can let go any time now..."

Steve, still dazed from all the over stimulation, did not move a muscle. A
crooked smile plastered across his face.

"Steve, I'm going to give you till the count of five."

No response detected, Commander Medulla.

Very well commence with the countdown, Private Neuron.

"One..."

Still no activity, sir.

"Two..."

Our ploy is not phasing him Commander!

Calm down private, give it more time.

"Three-"

I think we're getting a reaction-

"Aww, screw it! Mega-Martial-Artist-Kicking-Things-Super-Wai-Attack-Combo!"

As she called out her move title for no reason, she let loose with a flurry of
kicks and slams so furious, they needed to be shown in slow motion, with
flashing lines and bolts of lightning flashing in the background to gain the
full visual effect. Her body was a never ending stream of motion. Where one move
would end, another would follow in its wake. Steve was hit so many times and in
so many different places, he no longer feared death, the afterlife, or clowns.
The assault ended with a triple suplex body toss and the ceremonial whipping out
of the victory carton of Edy's Mint Chocolate Chip Ice Cream.

With sand crammed into places he didn't even know existed, Steve picked himself
up out of the beach. With his body in so much pain, he knew that there was only
one thing he could possibly do to make the hurting stop. "Ultra Transformation
Power: Illyria, I choose you!"

Before anyone had a chance to say something insignificant to the plot, Steve's
outfit suddenly morphed into a long trenchcoat, tight fitting pants and a muscle
shirt. "Ha!" he exclaimed with great pride in his voice, "Now I am bishounen and
am above such petty distractions as pain." He strode powerfully across the beach
to prove this fact.

Kate facepalmed, "oh great, just what we need, another Hans."

Five seconds later Steve collapsed with a meek yelp. His pathetic plan had done
nothing but swell his ego.

Everyone started to laugh hysterically at his miserable state. Except Illyria,
who busy posing on a nearby cliff with Mt. Fuji rising in the background.

"A little help?" he whimpered.

"Can we just find this stupid seal already?" Scott whined in a typical Usagi
fashion. 

Arwen whispered to Dan, "I think Scott is getting worse..."

"I am not!" Scott whined even louder.

After Scott was finished having his masculinity diminished, the four mighty
adventurers walked down the beach in a dramatic manner, followed by two other
equally mighty adventurers and two mighty, but not to the same degree,
adventurous Chocobos, who walked in manner not so much dramatic as it was simple
walking, continuing the epic, whose level of mightiness one might say was equal
to that of the adventurers, but in a different sort of still very mighty way.

*	*	*

Let the gratuitous self-gratification commence.

*	*	*

E. L. Rutt strolled down a well lit corridor of his secret hideaway. Behind him
a long, flowing, glittery cape rippled evilly. On his head was perched a massive
and ornate helmet with the giant antlers of an indeterminable four-legged,
hoofed mammal jutting upward to such a length that all the doorways in his lair
needed to be raised to accommodate it. His body was hidden in armor made of an
infallible (and low fat) space-age polymer plastic. It was black with a purplish
tint and shined brightly, so as to distract young, heroic females, who are
easily distracted by such things. On the chest plate, which was shaped in such a
manner that his abdomen looked like one only seen on Grecian statues of their
gods (the male ones, with arms), his emblem was displayed proudly. A giant
squirrel with a magnificent set of two massive nuts and lots of sharp, pointed
teeth. It was all done in gray with tinted purple highlights and looked really
awesome when show in the dramatic fashion shots.

His empire was growing and now had better lighting. The electricians had
worked surprisingly fast for being evil. Their only true evilness showed up in
the bill. Every dank and dismal corner of the complex was illuminated. This in
turn led to a massive redecorating project. Senor Rutt had gone with a pastel
wallpaper to give the Mountain-side cavern a more open and airy feel. Thanks to
the Lady General's assistance with the interior decor, all the furniture inside
was black and red with a touch of leopard print (but only so much that it
remains tasteful) and of course, lots of leather. It made for an overall
happier, more aesthetically pleasing pit of cruelty and torture.

After assigning Xelloss the task of supervising the remodeling, he was off to
his daily meeting for the planning of Evil Recreational Activities. He was, as
always, fashionably late in order to add an air of mystery to his doings and not
because he consistently slept through the alarm. After stepping through the
doorway which he'd impressively thrown open with little to no apparent physical
effort, he stood stock still and gawked at that sight before him. Seated around
the massive oaken table that seems to show up in all my fics, were the foulest
looking, most disgusting, sludge-faced, treacherous, knobby-kneed, malodorous,
slimy, unclean, not-very-pretty squad of evil demons ever amassed. All except
for the beautiful, but not so much as to over shadow her absolute evilness,
Goddess known colloquially as the General.

"Ick." Rutt crinkled his nose in disgust, "I never noticed how awful you people
look. I guess dim lighting does have its good points."

These were the Delta Olympian Raging Killer Squad or D.O.R.K.S. for short,
destined to bring about great pain and maltreatment of small, inoffensive forest
critters. They were the greatest fighting force ever assembled in under twenty
minutes. With their combined powers they were invincible, but since this was a
Role Playing Game satire they'd be forced to fight individually and be picked
off one by one in a series of drawn-out, often repetitive, semi-climactic
battles of incrementally increasing difficulty. Sadly, it always worked out that
way.

"Look, Lord Dickhead, can we start this stupid meeting already? We didn't ask to
look like this, you know. In real life, most of us have a quite pleasant looking
appearance. We can't help it that you get to be the freakin' Grand Poo-Bah of
Badness and thus get the bishounen-like facade and figure flattering armor and
we're all stuck playing second fiddle and dressed like rejects from a 'Night of
the Living Dead' movie." This was Rags. Always complaining about his lot in
life. Even though he was in command of the D.O.R.K.S. and had a fantastic array
of super powers which gave him more than enough fire power to blow stuff up, he
still wanted more. He was actually the cleanest looking one at the table,
besides the General.

"Yeah! Just because you're in charge here doesn't mean you get to boss us
around!" Yonjuuni, Minister of the Annoyingly Frequent Random Encounters,
added his two cents in. You'd think he'd be more thankful. As the division
leader, he played the major role in creating the poorly designed monsters and
rotating color palettes that saved room for other areas of the game play. The
A.F.R.E. (whose letters could be cleverly rearranged to spell F.E.A.R.) was one
of the most powerful divisions of the organization, second only to the division
in charge of Overly-Powerful-Boss-Characters-That-Take-Forever-To Defeat-And-
Wipe-Out-Half-Of-Your-Party-By-The-Time-You-Are-Done-Because-You-Didn't-Take-
The-Time-To-Level-Up or Project E.G.G.S.A.L.A.D. for short. Many asked how that
name was arrived upon, few lived to ask it again.

"Listen, Peons," Rutt addressed his subjects with an air of respect as the
Author wrote with great sarcasm. "You think I asked to be an extra dimensional
being of terror with absolute power and the ability to crush anything in my
path? Yes, I did, but that's not the point. The point is, we must learn to deal
with the hand we're dealt."

"You're so full of crap," Neovid, Head of Research and Development for Weapons
and Weaponry, commented. It was his job to make sure all of the equipment used
in the adventure never worked exactly right and often did unexpected things in
the least convenient of times. He also supervised the distribution of weapon
technology, making sure everyone was equipped with arms that were far too
advanced for the relative time period in which the adventure was based. Which
included creating the possibility for a small boy equipped with a puny iron
sword to takedown a giant tank robot with relatively little effort.

"Sweetie, they're making fun of me," Rutt whined to the General.

"Don't call me sweetie, freak! Look Rutt, it's because you're a pompous jack-ass
and have been acting like you're better than all of us. We're quite sick of it.
You shouldn't even be our leader. No one even likes you. So just shut up and let
me handle the meeting, okay?" The General smiled in her sinister way that no man
could deny. Lady Brick had fallen into her role quiet nicely. Evil had always
been her forte, now she was able to live out her dream. The only problem she had
was her role included being only a General under the command of the despicable
E. L. Rutt. She soon remedied the situation by using her wily charms and loud,
assertive tone of voice to put him under her well manicured thumb. It was not
long before she had him obeying her every command like some freakishly huge and
creepy puppy. At the mere figurative tug of her metaphorical leash, he would
come bounding in ready to do the insanest of tasks to please her. All was right
with the world as far as she was concerned.

"Yes, sir..." Rutt acquiesced reluctantly.

"What was that?" the General demanded.

"I don't want to say it, it belittles me in front of my subordinates," Rutt
whined.

"Rutt..." Lady Brick had a look on her face that could melt a cat.

"Yes, Goddess! I shall follow your every wish!" Rutt exclaimed, completely under
her control.

"Better. Now, as the villains of this fic we have to do whatever we can to
prevent the heroes from succeeding. We must throw the most incompetent and weak
creatures at them first, so they can build up their levels. As they grow
stronger we will attack them with tougher and tougher monsters, but never any
strong enough to actually defeat them. Soon they'll find all of the seals save
one, which we have, coincidently, already in our possession. We will, of course,
be convinced of our inevitable success despite the fact that we are fighting
against the forces of clichéd endings. It will be a tough battle." Miss Brick
finished summarizing pretty much the entire plot and eyed her troops with her
exquisitely beautiful ocular nodes. Sparkly glitter effect added for heightened
kawaiiness. The four men around the table swooned as one.

"Sounds good," Rutt agreed. "Now who among you wishes to be the first to fail
miserably?"

All eyes wandered off for something else to occupy themselves with. Rutt tapped
his foot impatiently.

*	*	*

Many hours of overly strenuous walking later, Steve asked the obvious question.
"Does anyone even know where we're going?"

Kate laughed nervously, "Of course we do! This is an RPG, right? Now there
should be a town or settlement around here somewhere... Dan, let me see the
map."

Dan looked up, "Map? What map? I uh... don't remember any map, heh." He tried
with all his mecha-might not to sweatdrop.

Arwen was not amused. "What do you mean, 'What map?'? _The_ map, the one that
shows us where we're going, stupid!"

"Oh... uh... The map, heh. Sorry, was a bit confused. I thought uh... Scott was
holding it!" Dan used all his powers to shift the blame to someone other than
himself.

"Don't you put this off on me! I didn't lose the map!" Scott countered
indignantly and went back to filing her nails. Realizing what he was doing, he
flung the nail file as far as he could. It landed five feet in front of him.

"Lose? Who said the map was lost?" Dan's natural urge to sweatdrop was almost
overpowering him.

"You lost the map?!" the rest of the party exclaimed, save for Illyria who
merely made a sideways glance in Dan's direct even so carried the same
consistence of non-believing rage.

Dan's only response was to pass out. As his mind dropped off, his body released
its built up tension and a sweatdrop to end all sweatdrops grew on the back of
his head, cushioning his fall.

The group stared in shock at Dan's obvious attempt to change the subject.

"I guess we'll just have to get an aerial view of these islands," Kate offered a
solution, and turned around in slow motion in order to build dramatic tension.
An odd absence made itself known. "What happened to our Chocobo companions?"

The rest of the conscious troop turned around in the same manner, save for
Illyria who merely made a sideways glance over his shoulder. His left eyebrow
twitched slightly to show his extreme agitation with the missing form of free
air travel.

"I don't know," Arwen stated. "They were with us last time I looked back."

"How long ago was that?" Kate asked.

Arwen thought for a moment and answered, "About right after we landed."

Everyone fell over.

"Did anyone see them go?" Kate surveyed the group as they picked themselves off
the beach.

"..." was the biggest reply anyone gave.

After much head scratching and several annoyed looks, the sextet decided to
search for the lost birds. Another several hours were passed wandering aimlessly
around the island.

*	*	*

Pointless Fact of RPG Life: Wild Chocobos return to their home forest after
depositing their passengers.

*	*	*

Tragically, Zack was sucked into a jet engine on the trip back and was forced to
spend several grueling weeks in a hospital. He survived the ordeal and went on
to write the definitive manual in Airplane safety. After winning the Nobel Peace
prize for an entirely unrelated incident, he went on to do other things that had
no significance to this story.

Due to the inconvenience, Ranma X. was forced to finish the Twister Tournament
by himself.

*	*	*

"Stupid bunch of freaks, send me off to my death against a group of over hyped
loonies..." Yonjuuni muttered as he horded his minions to prepare for the first
strike. "Woofer island, prepare to have lots of dead things on you!"

~!@#$%^&*()_+


Author's B.S.: Uh... yeah. I'm the villain, you're not. I had to do it. It was
my density. Anywho, this was fun to write, especially on my favorite subject,
ME. It figures my part had to come up at the same time Chrono Cross was
released. The urge to play plagued me the whole time.

Thanks go to Ardweden for helping me with the subject of ice cream and
prereading.

Lady Brick for approving of my use of her and helping with the decoration. She
also preread, where does she find the time?

Kate helped me fix all my grammatical, spelling, and psychological issues in
this fic and in my personal life. Thanks to her, I'm now down to only three
terrorist acts a week. Unless the F.B.I. is reading this... In that case, I have
never done a single thing that was in any way illegal. Really.

Rags preread and did pretty much the same thing he's done for all my other
parts. His ideas are always fun. He's great. I recommend him to anyone with a
spare bedroom. Go read my notes from previous parts if you want to know more.

Yeah, okay. Notes whee! Who actually reads these? If you read this far e-mail me
and tell me the secret code and win a prize.

elsteven@pacbell.net