Otaku Wish Fulfillment Theater
Started by Scott Schimmel

Chapter 6: Lost or Found...That, and You Stepped in WHAT?!

$_$

	"We know, Kate."

	"Hey, and we'll probably be able to upgrade our weapons in new towns!"

	"We know, Kate."

	"Ooh!  And I bet we'll find some really great treasure if we look 
hard enough!  If you see a cave, yell; every cave in an RPG has a reason 
to be there!"

	Five figures turned in unison, various degrees of forced smiles on
their faces.  "We know, Kate."

	The hint finally made it into Kate's mind and was taken.  "Sorry," 
she blushed.  "But think about it... we just rode on flying chocobos!  
Just like we were going to that cave by Tororia!  And that would make Ard 
Yang!  Say 'ACHOO!,' Ard!"

	"Kate's been in the sugar again, hasn't she?"

	The other four looked at the slightly vibrating would-be ninja and
nodded at Dan.  "It seems that way," Scott weakly laughed, rubbing a hand
behind her head.  "Time to set up camp?"

	A collective nod of agreement came from all gathered in the small
clearing, just before a blur of motion swooped into the camp.  Dan struck
his pose, Illyria drew his sword, and Scott shrank back into the shadows,
hoping she wouldn't need to go through her transformation sequence.

	She didn't.  Before anyone could react, Ardweden had brought up 
her fist in an instinctive defense posture; by doing so, she'd impacted 
directly with the blur.  She stared at herself.  "Ew," she muttered.

	Illyria poked at the goop covering her, frowning thoughtfully.  
"This is... or used to be... a slime."

	"Ew!" Ard expanded.

	"I noticed a river back that way," Steve pointed, wincing as a 
long string of green gunk dripped off Ard's shoulder.

	"I'll be right back," Ard moaned as she went to wash off all the 
icky goop.

	"We should set up camp right now, enemies don't attack you when 
you've set up camp!"  Kate half-walked, half-vibrated over to the rucksack 
Illyria was carrying and started digging through it.  He looked over at 
his shoulder at her in a way that said "Do you mind?" more succinctly than 
words ever could.

	Holding three tiny items triumphantly over her head, Kate then 
threw them to the ground, watching starry-eyed as they instantly popped 
into full-size tents.  "I love doing that!"

	"Cool, I get a tent to myself again!" Scott said, face aglow in 
the perfect visage of a magical girl who's received something really 
nifty, like free food or a new practical outfit to fight in that consists 
of jeans and a sweatshirt.

	Kate blinked at him; rather, she tried to blink once, and managed 
to stop shortly before she hit five times in rapid succession.  "How do 
you figure?  These tents fit two each."

	"Well, yeah, you used one less than the last nights, but I just 
figured that-"

	"We've only got three tents left after these, Scott; we've gotta 
make 'em last!"  Kate dug through Illyria's bag again to check her 
statement; he simply sighed and used the side of his sword to check his 
hair as she worked.

	"Then why didn't we buy more?" Scott demanded, panic filling her 
voice as she began to put two and two (two in particular) together.

	"Because they're expensive!  C'mon, Scott, you know RPGs as well 
as I do!"  Kate rolled her eyes in a good-natured manner at Scott.  "We 
should get some sleep, right?  We'll catch fish in the morning and have a 
great breakfast, and everything will be super!"

	Steve and Dan retreated to their tent.  Kate retreated to hers, 
taking Ard's stuff with her for when she returned.  And Scott was left 
staring at her bunkmate.  "No freaking way," she announced, folding her 
arms across her chest (and then promptly unfolding them as she received a 
still-odd sense that her arms were a couple of inches out from where they 
should be).  "I'll sleep out here."

	"Suit yourself," Illyria shrugged, making his way towards the 
tent.  "You're a light sleeper, then?"

	Scott quirked an eyebrow.  "Why?"

	"We're safe in the tents from another attack, but staying out 
here..." He trailed off, then continued in a slightly cold, factual 
manner, "But it's your decision, of course."  Shrugging, he pulled aside 
the tent flap and went in.

	"...Crap," Scott finally decided, scowling up at the stars.  Why?  
She sent the mental query up at them, but they simply twinkled merrily 
down.  With a sigh, Scott set her feet into motion, moving towards the 
tent.

	"Night, Scott!" came Ard's cheery voice (her being cold and damp 
from the river yet still sounding cheerful surprises you why?) as she 
returned to the camp and crawled into bed, as it were.

	"...Whatever," the magical girl muttered, in a fine imitation of 
her tent buddy.

$_$

	Camps made up of six people who've been forced into an alien world 
and then spend the night with twigs and rocks of interesting shapes and 
sizes poking them in the back are HAPPY camps!

	No matter how many times Kate and Ard insisted that this was true, 
the rest of their travelling partners didn't seem to buy it.

	"I'm hungry," pouted Dan.

	"I stepped on another slime getting out of the tent this morning,"
Scott complained.

	"..." said Illyria as the sun struck his hair, showing off one 
annoying strand that wouldn't stay in place.

	"I'm sorry I ate all 99 pieces of dried meat," Steve laughed 
weakly.  "But really, who was counting?"

	As the three of them turned and just [looked] at Steve, Ard and
Kate cut in again.  "I saw a couple of fish in the river," Ardweden said, 
pointing off thaddaway.  "At least, I think I did.  It was dark, but there 
was definitely something."

	Kate bapped her fist into her open palm.  "That's what this is!"

	The rest of the party looked up at her, as they'd all quickly come
to an unspoken agreement that she was their best source of RPG knowledge.  
"That's what this is what?" Dan eloquently asked, eying a piece of tree 
bark to see if it looked edible.

	"A fishing subgame!  They're really popular now!"  She nodded, 
excited that yet another piece of RPG existance was demonstrating itself 
to her firsthand.  "And if we catch the fish, then we have to cook them!"  
She clapped her hands together in delight.  "Just like with Suikoden 2!  
Ooh, I wonder if I remember any recipes..."

	Scott sweatdropped slightly (even with the magical girl albatross
around his neck, she figured she'd be better in the kitchen than Kate) and 
gently suggested, "The fishing sounds like it would be trickier... maybe 
you should go and show people how to do it."

	"Right!"  She pondered for a second, then grinned.  "I think I'll 
let the guys do the cooking.  C'mon Ard, Kri... er... Scott... er..."

	Scott smiled weakly.  "I'll stay here, Kate."

	"Okay, get ready to cook, and we'll be right back!"

$_$

	Now that they saw the river in daylight, their hopes rose of being 
near civilization.  Though there was no ferry in site, the mooring post 
for one was near the small knoll they choose to try their luck from.  
Peering down at the sign, Ard read, "One (1) crossing of Gagne's River: 25 
chrisnickels."

	"Ganges?" Kate absently asked as she tried to fashion a working 
fishing pole from a tree branch.

	Ard looked at the sign again.  "No, Gagne's."

	The two stopped and looked at each other.  "Weird," they 
simultaneously decided.

	Finishing up the third pole, Kate distributed them to her 
companions.  "Okay, let's catch some breakfast!"

	One advantage of playing RPGs instead of living them (besides
having the security of save points) is that everything moves more quickly.  
Walking across a continent takes ten minutes, a good night's rest can be 
had in ten seconds, and even a novice-level fishing attempt will yield a 
successful catch within a reasonable amound of time.  Considerably more 
than a reasonable amount of time had passed, however, and the party had 
managed to catch 3 small fish, one crab, two starfish, an octopus, a 
treasure chest (empty, naturally), a wandering fish-merchant... and 
twenty-seven boots.

	"You have to be patient!" Kate chided as she restrung her line.  
She tossed the line into the water and happily hummed the fishing theme 
from Breath of Fire 3.

	Not for the first time that morning, the other two considered 
pushing her in.

	"So, uh, Illyria," Ard ventured to ask as she stared at her empty
line.  "I bet you're looking forward to getting home, huh?"

	Not surprisingly, a shrug was her response.  The pacifistic 
fighter sighed and tried again.  "You know, getting back to normal?"

	"What happens will be dealt with," he replied fatalistically.

	"Boy, you're handling this a lot better than Scott," Ardweden 
mused.

	"Comes with the territory," he replied as he shrugged yet again.

	Ard promptly bapped him across the head with her palm.  "Stop 
that.  Being all dark and mysterious and brooding... you know, being 
stupid."

	The possibility of any real emotion being betrayed on his face was
precluded by Kate's sudden yelp.  "Hey, I caught something!"

	"So did I," Ard said, motioning behind her.  "Are you a size 7 or
8, and would you like some new boots?"

	Splash, came her answer.  Ardweden and Illyria stared at the 
half-submerged Kate for a second, who was barely managing to keep ahold of
her line as she stood in water up to her waist.  Her pole was pulled 
nearly straight from the force of its captive, which also began to drag 
her along the muddy bottom of the river.

	Ard leapt in without a second thought; Illyria sighed as he set 
his katana to one side so it wouldn't get wet.  This was not the kind of
glorious rescue attempt that served to play off his features well.

	And so, the three heroes fought valiently, battled long and hard, 
and with much bravery and valour, finally caught their breakfast.  The 
epic nature of their struggle grew even more legendary when they realized 
they'd have to carry the mammoth trout back to the camp... and remember 
where it was.

$_$

	"Tooooooooooh!  Wait, let me try it again.  Toooooo- woooooah ouch 
ouch my spleen!"

	Steve winced as he looked down at the sprawled and hurting Dan.  
"Well, you pulled off the Amelia imitation well."

	Dan flashed a dirty look at the tree he'd fallen out of, then 
muttered, "Remind me to stick to dramatic poses that don't require 
climbing to high places from now on."

	Steve sweatdropped and offered him a hand up.  "It worked, at 
least."

	His momentary pain forgotten, Dan raised one metal-gloved hand and
brought it into a fist.  "Right!  Now I'm all suited up and ready to take 
on the challenge of cooking our breakfast!"  He spoke in a redicuously
over-dramatic manner, for doing otherwise while he was suited up would 
have felt wrong.  That, and he was having fun with random word 
inflections.  If nothing else, he could probably find a job as a voice 
actor when he returned home.

	"When we actually have something to cook," Scott muttered, sitting 
on a log and flipping through the nearest source of reading material, the
travellogue Kate had been keeping of their journey.  "Do you think we 
should go check on thWAAAAAAAAH!"

	"Sorry 'bout that!" Dan apologized to the slightly-singed girl as 
he retracted a mini flamethrower back into his arm.  "Was just testing out 
my settings.  Do you like your catfish blackened?"

	In the background, Steve muttered at no one in particular as he
received a Zippo light for his flame source when he tried to get a suit of 
his own.

	About to sigh and say that yes, everything was fine or that no, 
pay attention to what you're doing next time (she wasn't sure which would 
come out of her mouth at the moment), Scott suddenly blanched.  Treading
hesitantly towards the burnt log, she let out a long, pained groan.  She
picked up Kate's former journal by the corner, wincing as it crumbled into 
a pile of fine black ash.

	"Yeah, I'm dead," Scott sighed.

	A piece of heavier parchment caught her eye, fluttering under the 
rock she'd used as a paperweight.  She carefully withdrew it and unfolded 
it from the bookmark size it'd been folded into.

	Several miles away, birds fluttered from their perches in the 
forest as they were startled by the excited whooping of a magical girl who 
finally had things going right for her.

	"It's the MAP!" she squealed girlishly, to Dan and Steve's mixed
amusement and unease.  "Kate must have folded it up without realizing what
it was!"

	She held it triumphantly over her head and struck a victory pose.
"YOSH!"  It was the right thing to say at the moment, after all.

	Sploot, came her reply.

	"Sploot?" Scott asked, shortly before learning that sploot was the
noise a giant fish makes as it slides out of its transportations' hands 
and hits a person in the small of the back.

	Steve just managed to snag her by the collar before she plowed 
into the campfire.  Steve did not manage, however, to grab the map.

	"The universe hates me," moaned Scott as she watched the map poof
out of existance in a flash of flames.

	The rest of her travelling party turned discreetly away as her
transformation sequence inadventently activated.

	"..." commented Scott.  "The universe REALLY ha-"  She blinked 
down at the hand covering her mouth.  "Mmph?"

	"..." Illyria reminded her.

	"Right, thanks," Scott weakly laughed as Illyria pulled his hand 
away.  "I'd rather not test that to see if it really is my power-up 
phrase.  Who knows what kind of outfit I'd have next."

	Off to the side, Ardweden and Kate tried to pick up the fish 
they'd dropped; a voice caught their attention as they worked.  "Allow me, 
ladies."

	The whistle of steel passing through air was cut short as Steve's 
sword cleaved the behemoth in twain.  And lo, the sun did glint off the 
sword, and lo, his hair did gleam like spun silk in the sun, for-

	His hair popped back to its normal messy state.  He sighed.  
"Well, it was nice while it lasted."  Keeping the bishounen sword, even if 
he didn't have the hair to match any longer, Steve proceeded with 
methodically slicing up the fish.

	Dan cooked the pieces that Steve (and Illyria, who'd joined him)
sliced, Scott hung back, trying to figure out how to replace Kate's 
journal, and Ardweden and Kate tried to wring themselves out.

	"I have mud in my shoes," Ard groused.  "I hate that."

	Kate blinked, and very slowly reached forward.  Ard stared at her
curiously.  "What is it, Kaaaaaaaaaa-"

	A soft squish hit the ground as Kate yanked Ard away from her 
former position, and they looked down at yet ANOTHER slime who'd dropped 
off a tree branch above.  "Okay.  This is getting annoying," Kate decided, 
smacking the little green ovaloid with a rock.

	"Why are there so many of those things around?" Ard asked,
wrinkling her nose as she looked at the fine green paste on the ground.

	"I guess because we're in a forest; the encounter rate goes up 
then."  Pausing, Kate stuck her hand into her pocket and grinned.  "Hey 
Ard, let's go get some money while they make breakfast!"

	"Huh?" the martial artist asked as Kate physically dragged her out 
of the clearing and into the space below the evergreen forest.

	Turning, Kate explained, "For each enemy we kill, we get money,
remember?  And these things are a cinch to wipe out!"

	"But... but... I don't wanna HURT things!"  She paused, then 
qualified, "Unless they fly at my face when I'm not expecting them... 
that's not really my fault, is it?"

	"Of *WHAM* course it's *SPLOOSH* not, Ard!  *BONK* You don't have 
to *GLOOP* fight if you don't *BAM* want to!"  Having finished her rock 
barrage at anything that moved, Kate checked her pockets again and 
giggled.  "This is great!  They don't even fight back!"

	As the ninja continued her mad spree of money-building, Ard
sweatdropped.  "Yeah, I'm the only sane one here."  She leaned back 
against the nearest flat surface, staring up at the trees.  She liked 
RPGs, she did... just not to the extent of some people here.  They were so 
*long,* for one... what would a normal game time translate to if you were 
really living it?  And what about sidequests?  And a final battle?

	The smell of the party's breakfast wafted through the forest, and 
Ard snuck a glance over at Kate.  She decided, smiling weakly, that it was
probably best to let her have her fun.  She'd be sure to save her some 
food.

$_$

	"Isn't there usually a group in RPGs who looks like the villians, 
but then are wiped out by the solitary REAL villian, and end up serving as
little more than fodder to prove what a bad-ass the true bad guy is?"

	Steve and Scott looked at Dan for a long moment, then burst into
laughter.  "Paranoid, are we?" Scott grinned, spearing some of her fish 
with a pocketknife.

	"Hey, I'm just saying, is all..."  Resigned to his meal, Dan 
picked absently at the seared trout.

	"Hi guys," Ard said as she returned to the clearing.  She dropped 
down onto a nearby stump and took the proferred plate from Steve.  There 
was something nice, she had to admit, about being out in the open like 
this.

	For a few silent minutes, the party ate.

	"I returned from the Slime Forest!  This job is a gift from God!  
The enemies were tough... I managed to defeat them!  It's all because I 
was here!"

	The five turned and blinked at Kate, who giggled.  "I've always 
wanted to say that.  Mmm, breakfast!"  She grabbed a plate and scarfed it 
down, sighing contentedly once she'd finished.  "Isn't this GREAT?  I'm 
just having a blast!"

	Four of her companions continued eating for a reply; Dan was too 
busy trying to figure out how to turn his flamethrower off the "Dresden
Firebombing" setting.  Kate frowned.  "You're all just tired because you
want to stay in an inn again.  But don't worry, I just made enough money 
to pay for a couple of nights when we find another town!  Even without a 
map, we'll be sure to find one soon, and someone there will know where the 
next Seal is!"

	Scott focused even more intently on her food, blackened as it was.
Steve looked up and started, "Well, we actually found the m-OW."  Scott
withdrew her elbow from Steve's ribs and continued eating.

	Casting to the back of her mind for an idea to cheer them up, Kate
suggested, "We saw a ferry dock on the river, and it looked like it was
being maintained.  Maybe if we waited for the ferryman, he'd have a clue 
on how to find a town!"  A round of agreeing shrugs was her response, and 
Kate smiled.

$_$

	It should be mentioned here that Ardweden, Kate, and Illyria 
hadn't made any path markers when they returned from the river.

$_$

	"Y'all look like you've had a hard day."

	The six looked up at the ferryman, the late afternoon sun glinting 
off their pained expressions and slime-covered clothes.  "We got lost 
again," Ard muttered.

	"Where're ya headed to?"

	"What's with the cheesy southern accent?  Is Alabama a country 
here or something?" Dan whispered to Scott.

	She shrugged.  "Works on Pokemon."

	With a confidence in her steps, Kate strode towards the ferryman.
"We'd like you to take us to the nearest town, please!"

	"Dang, lil' lady, that's nearly a day away.  You got the money fur 
it?"

	Kate paused.  If she gave him the money she'd earned, they'd make 
it to a town.  That was good.  But then they wouldn't have enough to stay 
in an inn.  That was bad.  "Um..."

	"Ha!  I've finally found you!"

	The six spun on their heels to find a man affecting a terribly
threatening, assured, confident demeanor.  Rather, a man trying to and
failing miserably.  "... Hi?" Ard asked when he didn't continue.

	"Sorry, hold on, I'm trying to think through the stages of my plan 
to take down the heroes.  Dramatic entrance... then my introduction and 
the minion swarm!  Right!  I am Yonjuuni, and I am your DEATH!"

	"Your minion swarm is playing Marco Polo," Steve pointed out.

	Yonjuuni turned to the river and groaned.  "Guys, c'mon!  We have
heroes to slaughter here!"

	"Marco!"

	"Polo!"

	"Marco!"

	"Polo!"

	"Marco!"

	"The universe hates me! ...Happy Shining Wai Wai Stupidly-Named
Attack."  With a bored expression on her face, Scott flipped her hand 
towards Yonjuuni and attacked him with what appeared to be Tinkerbell 
dandruff.

	"Ow!" the would-be sub-boss yelled as the pretty little sparklies
impacted on his skin.

	"I don't think Scott's really into the whole magical girl act," 
Dan mused to Kate.  She nodded.

	Yonjuuni batted away the remaining spots of light and scowled at 
the party.  "Look, I'm not just going to roll over and die here, even if 
my minions-"

	"POLO!"

	"Shut up.  Let's get started... en guarde!"  A rapier appearing 
out of nowhere, Yonjuuni lunged at Scott, who let out a startled squawk 
and scrambled backwards.

	"Don't Really Want To But I Will Anyways Ard Ard Boot To The 
Head!"

	"Super Voltage +1 Armor Zap!"

	"...!"

	Amazingly, Ard, Dan, and Illyria managed not to take each other 
down by accident with their simultaneous attacks.  "Ow," Yonjuuni muttered 
from his new position face-down in the mud.  "I knew taking the first sub-
boss position was a bad idea."

	A sudden stomping noise caught their attention, and they turned to 
see the ferryman putting out the small fire that had started when his pipe
dropped from his mouth.  "You... you're the-"

	"We're the destined heroes," Illyria finished, striking a 
customary bishounen pose.

	"Oh, put the stupid rose away," Ard muttered.

	"Well then, there'll be no charge for y'all to come on m'boat!
Come on, let's getcha down the river!"

	"This is awfully convienent," Dan said as he settled into his seat 
on the boat.

	"It's standard, though," Kate shrugged.  "Beat an enemy, a new 
part of the game opens."

	"I forgot my detransformation phrase," Scott wailed as she tried 
to pull her miniskirt as far towards her knees as it'd stretch.

	"This is so nice of you," Ard beamed at the ferryman.  He blushed.

	"I gotta ask... do you use conditioner or what?" Steve queried, 
poking at his own obstinate hair.

	"..." came his reply.

	From the riverbank, Yonjuuni watched them go.  "I shall report 
this and .. find a change of clothes ... and tell someone else that 
they're welcome to the task and-"

	"Marco!"

	"Aww, what the hell.  Polo!"

$_$

Thanks to: Chris Nichols for pun suggestions, Kate Malloy for dialogue 
help and author's block-smashing, and Ardweden and Ravi for prereading, 
relieving my nervousness, and further block-smashing.  As you can probably 
tell from that list of thanks, this chapter just did not want to be 
written.  But I did get into a groove at the end, and it ended up being 
pretty fun.

And sorry for all this, Scott, but we tease because we love. ^_^

-Illyria