Otaku Wish-Fulfillment Theater
Started by Scott Schimmel

Chapter 7:  Friends and Enemies... That, And Something Is Sodden In The Lake Of 
The Dark!

^_^  -_-  >_<

A day of not very interesting sailing with no appreciable character development 
went by, so the author decided to skip over it in just a paragraph.  Suffice to 
say, the ferry was definitely small enough to be a one-person ferry, and was 
decidedly uncomfortable after just one day of travel.

Finally the ferryman pulled into the docks of the nearest town.  "Here y'all 
are, folks," he said.  "The lovely and pictureskew li'l town of De Gemmel."

"De Gemmel?" asked Dan.

"De Gemmel," repeated the ferryman.

The six looked at the lovely and picturesque little town of De Gemmel.  There 
was absolutely no visible activity at all.  The streets were empty, many of the 
houses had a look of finality to their closed doors, and above all there was an 
unnatural silence.  Towns, even ones small enough to almost be villages, should 
be making some noise during the day, but this one wasn't.  Instead all was 
completely and utterly silent.

In short, it looked more like the dusty and abandoned ghost town of De Gemmel.

"It looks more like the dusty and abandoned ghost town of De Gemmel," Steve 
protested.

"Ayup, that it does," said the ferryman.

"Can you take us to the next town please?" asked Ardweden.

"Nope," said the ferryman.  "Y'all are the destined heroes, and this here is the 
next part of your destined quest.  Have fun."  With that, he pulled out of De 
Gemmel's small port, and pulled away.  He was going a lot faster than he had 
coming into De Gemmel, they noticed.  Or maybe that was just because he was now 
going downstream.

"Hey!" shouted Kate.  "Come back!"

The ferry, if anything, speeded up, leaving the six standing there on the docks.

"Whoopee," cheered Steve, with no small amount of sarcasm and irony.  "The next 
part of our quest.  Onwards ho, and all that."

"*I'm* the cynical one," said Scott.

^_^  -_-  >_<

"So I wonder what kind of town this De Gemmel is?" wondered Ardweden.  "Awfully 
empty..."

Steve frowned.  "It seems sort of familiar."

Scott groaned.  "Yet another crossover from real life, you mean?"

"Could be," said Steve.  He looked at the blank expressions of his travelling 
companions.  "Then again, if you aren't getting the same vibes, I'm probably 
just imagining things again."

"What do you mean, 'probably'?  You almost certainly are," teased Scott, 
grinning.

"Hey," a male voice hissed urgently, from off-camera.  "What are you guys doing 
out in the open like this?"

"Standing around," said Dan.  "And wondering where we are."

"De Gemmel," said the voice.

"We know that," said Dan.  "Tell us about De Gemmel."

"That would take a long time, and you really shouldn't be standing around like 
this.  The Hentai of the Lake might see you."  Despite the fact that the speaker 
wasn't visible, the heroes got the impression he was shuddering.  "And *that* 
would be bad."

"Hentai of the Lake?" asked Ardweden.

"Yes, the Hentai of the Lake.  You must beware him.  Now come, quickly!"

"I'm not so sure," said Scott.

Kate, on the other hand, eagerly hurried in the direction of the voice.  "Come 
on, guys!  This is obviously another sub-quest, where we have to defeat the 
Hentai of the Lake before we can go any further.  Come on, it'll be fun."

And because the plot demanded it, they did so, but not without some grumbling.  
But it was either that or face this uncertain Hentai of the Lake, which was 
something none of them particularly wanted.

The voice turned out to belong to a shadowy figure, made shadowier still by the 
large cloak and hood he wore.  He introduced himself as a friend, and quickly 
led the group into the shadows, into the middle of a large pile of crates that 
had been left on the docks for some reason, and through an open grille into a 
series of underground tunnels.

"We're safer here," he said, and pushed his hood back.  The group stared.  The 
head revealed belonged to that of a teenaged boy, with long blue hair in a 
ponytail and pointed wolf ears sticking up through it.  He looked like Inu-
Yasha, if Inu-Yasha had long blue hair tied back in a ponytail.

"Inu-Yasha?" asked Scott.

"No, just Inu.  Now come on, we have to get to the Hiding Place," said the just 
named Inu, the capital letters clear in his voice.

"Tell us about the Hentai of the Lake," murmured Illyria as the group of six 
heroes and one NPC proceeded through the tunnels.

"Oh, he's pretty nasty.  He arrived just a short while ago, setting up place in 
the nearby Lake Didge, but he's already terrorised the entire town of De Gemmel 
to the point of running away.  It's a good thing those giant rats held their 
annual tunnel building races here last year, otherwise we wouldn't have had a 
place to run to."

"Giant rats holding tunnel building races?" asked Ardweden, scepticism as clear 
in her voice as Inu's capital letters had been.

Inu blinked.  "Yeah.  What's so strange about that?"

"Giant rats," she repeated.  "Do they come by often?"

"Every now and then," said Inu.

The group walked a little bit closer after that, not particularly wanting to be 
caught unawares by any giant rats that happened to be roaming around.  A short 
while passed, that the author didn't want to spend any time on because he wants 
to get to the more exciting and interesting bits.  But once that short while had 
passed, the group found themselves walking up to a pair of large wooden doors.

"And here we are," Inu said.  He knocked a complex code upon the right door, 
followed by another complex sequence on the left, and finally a short tap dance.

The person who opened the door looked over them.  "Welcome to the De Gemmel 
Hideout, travell... oh, hi guys."

"Dave?" asked Steve and Kate.

"Who?" asked Ardweden.

"David Menendez, at your service," said the doorman, bowing.  "Even though our 
service is currently limited to serving dead cockroaches for lunch and thin 
blankets and the floor for beds."

"What happened?"

"I fell asleep, and woke up in De Gemmel in an entirely new bed, wearing 
entirely new pants.  That was a very confusing day.  And then next morning there 
was lots of shouting, and screaming, and people running, and I was carried along 
with the crowd down here.  Just the usual.  So, why are you guys here?"

"We're the destined heroes," said Illyria, striking a pose.  Despite the fact 
that they were underground, a breeze blew up, ruffled his hair, and tugged a few 
petals free of the rose in his hand.

"...right," said Dave.  "No doubt to help us defeat this Hentai of the Lake."

"Do you know anything about him?" asked Illyria.

"Not really."

"With Dave, Inu, and 'De Gemmel', the Hentai will probably be Philip," said 
Kate, and shuddered.

"Don't be silly, Kate.  What are the chances of that happening?" asked Steve.  
"I mean, really."

^_^  -_-  >_<

Deep in his underwater lair, Philip Barkow leaned back in the makeshift throne, 
which looked a lot like a chair specifically designed for weird bondage acts.  
But let's not dwell on that.  Let's instead hastily move on to how he was 
feeling, which was pretty good.  He luxuriated in the feeling of immense power, 
and the freedom to exercise his hentai nature to the fullest, in this strange 
new world full of possibilities.

An underling rushed into the room.  She was female - quite clearly female.  Her 
clothing made this abundantly clear.  There was absolutely no way she could be 
mistaken for anything other than female.  She bounced her way to the middle of 
the throne room and started performing the courier dance, which involved lots of 
jumping and wild gyrations.  She was performing it faster than usual, and her 
movements were more pronounced.  Philip watched her antics with keen interest.

She finally jiggled to a finish, dropping to one knee and bending over.  
Needless to say, her shirt (such as it was), was remarkably low cut.  Also 
needless to say, she was quite winded after the dance, and was breathing 
heavily.  Philip leaned closer.  "Your Hentainess!" she gasped.  "News!"

"Yes?" asked Philip.  "What is this news?"

"In De Gemmel... six... arrivals!" she panted.  "And three cute females!"

"Really?  That is interesting," he said, quirking an eyebrow.  "I shall have to 
see about kidnapping them for my collection.  What of the males?"

"Three of them as well."

"Hm," said the Hentai of the Lake, rubbing his chin.  "Obviously I shall have to 
capture them in pairs, with one male and one female in each group.  That way, 
they shall be easy enough to capture, and it doesn't matter which order they get 
captured in."  He stood, and rubbed his hands together.  "Prepare the defences.  
This promises to be most interesting indeed."

^_^  -_-  >_<

"So where are we going?" asked Dan.

"To the Lake," said Dave.  "If you're going to challenge the Hentai of the Lake, 
then going to the Lake is a good first step."

"Well, yes, but, we seem to be travelling in twists and turns."

"There's a reason for that.  The next cameo is being very tricky to find."

"Next cameo?"

"Don't worry about it."  The group of eight broke through a particularly dense 
amount of bush and came upon a small forest glade.  Off to the side there was a 
young man, wearing a labcoat, a bandana over short hair, and wide grin.  He was 
sitting on a conveniently flat rock underneath the shade of a tree, and seemed 
to be writing something.  On the rock beside him there was an open book, which 
he leafed through as he wrote.  Every so often he'd scrunch up a piece of paper 
and toss it over his shoulder.

One of the balled up pieces of paper rolled over to Dan's feet.  He knelt down 
and retrieved it.  Curious, he flattened out the paper and frowned.  "I can't 
read this.  Looks European."

Scott, who was closest, looked over Dan's shoulder.  "It could be Swedish."

"Swedish?" asked Steve.  "That can only mean... Jonatan!"

The man looked up and over, smiled, and waved.  "Hiya.  Anybody got a 
screwdriver?"

There was a quick searching of pockets which revealed that no, nobody had a 
screwdriver.

"Damn.  My sunglasses still need fixing."  So saying, the man went back to 
writing.

"Um, um, Jonatan?" asked Ardweden.

"Yeah, that's me.  What's up?"

"What are you doing here?" asked Illyria.

Jonatan turned a pitying glance upon him.  "Writing, and reading 'Espers for 
Dummies', what does it look like?"

"We can see that," said Kate.  "What are you doing in this world?"

Jonatan looked genuinely surprised.  "This is a different world?"

"Yes," said Steve.  "And we're off searching for some muffins, or something."

"Oh, I see.  That explains a few things," Jonatan said, then turned back to 
writing.

"Um," said Ardweden.  "You're not surpised to see us?"

"Should I be?  I always figured I'd meet you guys sometime.  Now's as good as 
ever."

"I... see," said Illyria.

Dave steered them gently away.

"He's been like this ever since we found him a couple of days ago," Dave 
explained.  "But he comes up with some really weird yet useful inventions, so 
he's handy to have around."

"Was there a point to all that?" asked Scott.

There was a sharp crack, suggesting a rapidly closed book, behind them - they 
looked back and saw Jonatan filing the book somewhere in the inner pockets of 
his labcoat.  Notebook in one hand and pencil in the other, he quickly hurried 
up to them.

"Couldn't let us go without saying more?" asked Steve, ^_-ing.

"You guys are inspirational," said Jonatan, grinning widely.  "Already I've had 
the idea for how to make the elephants play country music.  I figure it must be 
by being around you."  His grin became even wider, if that was possible.  "Of 
course I'm coming along."

^_^  -_-  >_<

"You sure about this?" asked Scott, eyeing the boat doubtfully.  "That's not a 
very large boat."

"The main point," said Kate, "is to challenge him.  Once he's received our 
challenge and we're fighting him, the fact that all we have to stand on is a 
boat won't matter.  Well known rule of RPG combat."

"I hope you're right," said Dan.  "If I fall in with my suit on, I'd probably 
sink."

And lo, the group did board the small and rickety boat, and pushed off, Inu and 
Dave waving in the background.  Jonatan was busy taking notes.

"That's a remarkably small and rickety boat," Inu said.

"Gosh, you really think so?" asked Dave, rolling his eyes.

"Yes," Inu said honestly.

"It's only small considering the large size of the crew," said Jonatan.  "It's 
large enough, say, for a couple... especially one that really likes each other."  
He winked, making the audience wonder if he was the Hentai of the Lake they'd 
heard about.

"Never mind," sighed Dave, "I forgot who I was talking to for a moment."

"Me and Jonatan, of course," said Inu.  "How could you forget that?"

"Never mind," said Dave, and looked back over Lake Didge.  The heroes had pulled 
away with Impressive Speed and were a mere speck on the water now.  "A pity that 
was the last boat we had."

There was a gigantic blast of water, sending the speck high into the sky.

"Now we've got no boats," observed Inu.

"Figures," said Dave.

"I'll design a new and improved model," said Jonatan, and flipped to a new page.  
"I'll need a lot of duct tape."

^_^  -_-  >_<

"This is stupid," said Dan, five minutes ago.

"Keep rowing," grunted Steve, heaving on his oar.

"Why can't any of the others row?"

"What?" asked Kate.  "Ask us girls to row when there are perfectly able men to 
do it?"

"Men," muttered Ardweden.

"Definitely," murmured Illyria, conveniently ignoring the fact that he was 
currently one of the men he was badmouthing.

"Scott's not really a girl and Illyria's currently a he," said Dan.

"Illyria's a special case and doesn't count," said Kate.  "And Scott's just 
being lazy."

"Having two people on one side and one on the other will just send us around in 
circles," said Scott, lazily opening an eye.  "Dan *could* activate his mecha 
and let his enhanced strength do the work of two people, but then he'd exhaust 
its one hour limit."

"The most annoying thing," complained Dan, "is not being able to face forwards."

There was a great impact, sending the boat high into the air, and all around 
them was the roar of rushing water and the sound of cracking and splintering 
wood.  They recovered from the shock just in time for a secondary splash of 
water to scatter them far and wide over the lake.

^_^  -_-  >_<

"Ouch," said Steve as he regained consciousness.

"You said it," said Scott.

"How long was I unconscious?"

"A few minutes more than me," said Scott, and grinned.  "Really.  Letting the 
girl wake up before you?  How callous and unchivalrous of you."

"I'm just the comic relief sidekick," Steve responded.  "And you're the heavy 
hitting magical girl."

"Don't call me that."

"You didn't mind calling yourself the girl just then," Steve informed her, 
grinning.

"That was different," said Scott, lightly bapping Steve on the head, then 
realised what she'd just done.  "...oh dear.  Did I just lightly bap you on the 
head?"

"Yes," said Steve, grinning wider.  "Quite girl-like, you know."

Scott shuddered.  "This is just getting worse and worse."

"Concentrate on something else.  Like how to get out of here."

"Right.  Now... we seem to be in an underground tunnel.  Probably under the 
lake, considering the humidity and water around the place.  Any ideas on which 
way to go?"

Steve looked thoughtful for a moment.  "If it worked for a Sana plushie, then 
maybe..."  He rummaged through his pockets, finally producing a keyring adorned 
with a small bandanaed black pag.  He concentrated for a moment, and then the 
kanji for "directionless idiot" appeared on his bandana.

Scott stared.  "A P-Chan dolly on your keyring?"

"Tell anyone and you're a dead man.  Er, girl.  Um.  Dead girl?  That makes me 
sound too violent."

"It does, at that.  Harm a poor little girl like me?  You monster."  Despite her 
words, Scott was grinning good-naturedly.

"So."  Steve concentrated all his powers of direction, trying to work out which 
way to go, and the answer became clear in his mind.  He pointed one way down the 
tunnel.  "We have to go that way."

"Right," said Scott, and started walking the other way.  Steve took a moment to 
change himself back to relative normal, and followed her.

^_^  -_-  >_<

"Ouch," said Kate as she regained consciousness.

"..." Illyria responded.

"How long was I unconscious?" asked Kate.

"A little while," said Illyria, and resumed brooding.

Kate sat up and looked around.  She and Illyria were in a long low tunnel, dimly 
lit.  There was the sound of dripping water, and the air was heavy and wet.  "I 
guess this is a dungeon bit, under the lake," she said.  "But how'd we get under 
the lake?"

"No idea," said Illyria, shrugging.  "I woke up, we were down here."

"Oh."

Illyria went back to brooding.  He was very good at that.

"I'll just check the place out," said Kate.  She pulled the half-mask over the 
bottom of her face, and her garb instantly shifted to her black ninja costume.  
In the dark depths of the tunnel, she was practically invisible.  This was a 
shame as it meant the expensive special effect of her blurring away was 
completely wasted.

Illyria started counting under his breath.  He got to three seconds when Kate's 
voice spoke again.  "It's a *long* tunnel.  But there's definite activity in one 
particular direction.  Come on, let's go."

Illyria raised an eyebrow.  "You going to stay like that?"

"Like what?"

"In the costume," Illyria clarified.

"Well, why not?  I have to be ready for anything that we might face."

"Hardly the best thing to wear when going up against a hentai, though."

"Oh," said Kate.  "That's right."  She pulled the half-mask down and shifted 
back to her normal clothes.  She could always just pull the half-mask back up if 
they got into a fight.

^_^  -_-  >_<

"Ouch," said Dan as he regained consciousness.

"That's a nasty bump you have there," said Ardweden.

Groaning, Dan rubbed at his head as he sat up and looked around.  They were in a 
long low tunnel.  As per standards, it was low, humid, and there was the sound 
of dripping water.  There was also no sign of which way they should go - the 
tunnel was completely straight and so long it  disappeared into the gloomy 
distance.

"Looks like a standard dungeon tunnel," he commented.  "Any idea where we should 
go?"

"Um... no," Ardweden admitted.  "My martial arts senses aren't picking up 
anything, but then I don't think they were designed for working out which way to 
go in a dungeon.  But your Mecha stuff might."

Dan thought about that for a moment.  "Actually, yeah, there is a Plot Compass 
attachment somewhere."  He pressed the button on his belt buckle and posed, 
shouting, "VICTOLY!"  There was a flash of red light and he emerged from it 
wearing his Mecha Battlesuit.  "Now, where is that compass..."

A few minutes passed, during which Dan pressed many buttons and slid many 
compartments open.  Guns fired (conveniently not at himself nor Ardweden), an 
energy sword activated and sliced a stalagmite in two, and at one point a 
startled pigeon flew out from underneath his shoulder guard.  But finally he 
found a small piece of clear plastic in a compartment in a compartment under his 
left forearm, which was opened by a button hidden underneath the boot on his 
left foot.  Upon the piece of clear plastic was an arrow, pointing one way down 
the tunnel.  Underneath the arrow were the words "Your next major encounter is 
this way."

"Guess we go this way then," he said.  "I just hope we get there before my one 
hour limit is up."

"Switch the suit off then."

"Well, I would, but I can't," said Dan sheepishly.  "There's no off button."

"Hmm," pondered Ardweden, for all of two seconds.  "I know!  My enhanced speed 
should overcome this problem."  Using her enhanced Martial Artist strength, she 
lifted the suddenly protesting Dan and raced down the tunnel.

^_^  -_-  >_<

"They have recovered and are now traversing the tunnels," reported a minion.

Philip arched an eyebrow.  "What have I told you about following the correct 
reporting procedures?"

The minion sighed, and performed the courier dance, finishing in the standard "I 
am a humble servant reporting news to my master" kneeling position, already seen 
in this chapter.  As before, she was leaning forwards and had a low cut shirt.  
Philip, predictably, kept an eye on her.  "As I said," said the minion, "the 
victims have recovered and are now traversing the tunnels in their pairs."

"Excellent," said Philip.  "Are the defenses ready?"

"Yes," said the minion.

Philip grinned.  "This will be very very fun and interesting indeed."

^_^  -_-  >_<

The tunnel was long and featureless.  Strangely, there were no random monster 
attacks, no boulders, no deathtraps, and no intricate puzzles to block the way 
down it.  It was, basically, even more boring than constant easily-won random 
encounter battles.

"Do you get the feeling that life is saving up for something extremely nasty to 
happen to us?" asked Steve.

"No," said Scott.  "It's already aiming gusts of wind up my legs and across my 
upper body, and I'm very cold.  And I've nearly ripped my clothing on jagged 
edges twenty times already."

"Small stuff," said Steve.

"To you, maybe," said Scott.  "But I'd rather keep warm, all the same."

"Alright then, it's just saving it up for me," grumbled Steve.

"Yes," said Scott.  "I'll just make sure to hide behind you when it happens."

"Hey," said Steve, annoyed.  "If anything, I should be hiding behind you, 
because I'm the Sidekick."

"If you're like all sidekicks everywhere," Scott started, "you can't actually be 
killed.  Unless it's the proper dramatic moment, of course.  As none of the 
others are with us and we've only got one Maguffin so far, I'd say it's not that 
proper dramatic moment."

"I'm so reassured," grumbled Steve.

"So I'll just hide behind you, if it's all the same," said Scott, sticking her 
tongue out, and then going completely contrary to everything she'd just said and 
ran ahead.  Which was really quite a silly thing to do, as just a few yards down 
the next turn there was a large cavern in which there were many scantily clad 
women, all of them wielding nasty-looking weapons.  Scott skidded to a halt, 
trying to look everywhere at once.

"It was too good to last," she sighed.  "The universe hates me."  All the 
enemies stood around and watched Scott spin around a few times, as per standard 
incompetent minion behaviour when faced by a transforming magical girl.

"I'd better change too - oh crap," said Steve, who had just realised that the 
nearby archetypes consisted of Cute Mascot, Directionless Idiot, Hyperactive 
Child Star, Incompetent Minion, and Magical Girl.  And those first four wouldn't 
be that effective against a horde of incompetent minions.  He swallowed, and 
concentrated on emulating Scott.

There was a moment of disorientation, and then Steve was a magical girl, dressed 
in an armoured leotard and a short skirt.  Her hair was still a wild purple 
mess, but slightly less so.  The first thing Steve noticed about being a Magical 
Girl was that yes, the skirt was ridiculously short, and her legs were already 
feeling cold.  The second thing she noticed was a large group of the scantily 
clad minions rushing at her.

"Help!  Perfect Waiful Affectionate Circle!" she shouted, and then realised just 
how stupid that sounded.  But it was mildly effective - there was a piffle and a 
small torus of pink motes radiated out from her, and the minions that got hit 
said "OW!!" and fell over.  The others stopped running and started sidling 
towards her instead.  Steve wondered whether to feel better or worse about that.

"Wai wai cute destructive yummy light!" shouted Magical Pretty Princess Scott-
Chan, and there was a bright flash of light. "Argh, my eyes," she complained, 
two seconds later.

"My eyes too," said Steve.  He tried taking a step, and a combination of her 
female body's different balances, a magical girl's natural ditziness, and 
tripping over something caused her to fall flat on her face.  "Ow," she 
commented.

The light slowly faded back to normal, and Steve could see that she'd just 
tripped over one of the minions, who was lying unconscious on the floor.  The 
light faded some more, and they saw that the entire cavern floor was covered 
with similarly unconscious bodies.

"That seems to be over," said Steve with relief, and concentrated on changing 
back to normal.  There was another moment of disorientation, and then she was a 
he again.

"No fair, you can easily change back," complained Scott.

"That was distinctly weird," said Steve.  "Remind me to make sure there's always 
someone besides you to mimic when we get into fights."

They went another six steps, and a large red beam, as wide as they were tall, 
swept over the two, leaving the two completely unscathed.  Well, mostly 
unscathed.  It didn't harm them, but it did cause Scott's magical girl costume 
to vanish.

"An anti-clothing laser type thing?  It *must* be Philip," Steve failed to say.  
Instead, he developed a minor nosebleed, said "gurk".

"Eek," said Scott, feeling extremely cold and exposed, and then silly for saying 
"eek."

With a heroic effort, Steve managed to take his shirt off and give it to Scott.  
Only then did he give in to the Comic Sidekick instincts coursing through his 
brain and fall over and faint.

There was another swarm of incompetent minions.  This time, as Steve was 
unconscious and Scott was feeling extremely embarrassed and not completely up to 
fighting, the minions were successful in capturing the two.

"Anybody got something I can wear?" asked Scott as she was carried off, then 
considered what the incompetent minions were wearing.  "No, I suppose not."

^_^  -_-  >_<

Kate and Illyria walked into a large cavern.  Contrary to the readers' 
expectations, there weren't large numbers of scantily clad incompetent minions.  
There were no weapons of mass destruction, and there were no amusing and complex 
deathtraps.  All there was a metal chair in the middle of the room.  There was a 
dial nearby, which ranged from 'cool' to 'very warm'.  It was currently set to 
'cool'.

"At least it's not the comfy chair," said Illyria.

"But what's it for?" wondered Kate.

Illyria prodded it with her sword.  An exciting and fever-pitched battle 
completely failed to happen.

"Are we supposed to sit in it?" asked Kate.

"I wouldn't be sitting in any chairs that can have their temperature changed to 
'very warm'," advised Illyria.

"True," said Kate.

They looked around some more, and absolutely nothing happened.

"This is boring!" complained Kate.  "I want a random encounter!"

"Better this way, though," commented Illyria.

"I thought there'd be random encounters for sure, and plenty of money to get 
from them, but no," said Kate.  She sighed.  Life wasn't being terribly fair at 
the moment.  She only hoped that once the Hentai was defeated, De Gemmel really 
would become a bustling town where they could get stuff, including a night in a 
nice bed.

There was a slight noise behind them.  Illyria raised his sword and started 
turning, but wasn't quick enough to get away from the cloud of knockout gas that 
enveloped his head.

"Illyria?" asked Kate.

"Curse... them," managed Illyria, a hint of plaid creeping into his trenchcoat's 
lapels, and then he collapsed.  Kate looked up to see a crowd of scantily clad 
female minions surrounding her, one of them holding a spraycan of EZ-Nokout.

"Illyria!" shouted Kate.  "I shall avenge you!"  So saying, she raised the half-
mask, transformed into her ninja garb, and blurred into invisibility.

"The Hentai Reference Machine, the Hentai Reference Machine!" shouted the 
slightly less incompetent minion.  "Turn it ON!"

"Oh yeah," said one of the minions.  She pulled a device, all winking lights and 
shiny buttons, from the sack she was carrying, and pressed a button.

Kate suddenly found herself wearing a ninja costume reminescent of Taki, Seung 
Mina, and Mai Shiranui.  For those amongst the audience not familiar with 
fighting games, this equates to "extremely ridiculous and even more scantily-
clad than the scantily-clad incompetent minions".  Kate, understandably, 
screamed "EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK!"

The minions, unintelligent as they were, could still find her after her 
incredibly loud scream.  Kate was too embarrassed to put up much of a fight, and 
the plot demanded it, so she was caught quickly.

^_^  -_-  >_<

Fifty minutes after Ardweden started running, she and Dan finally found 
something.  It was a large cavern, in which there were many enemies, of the 
incompetent minion variety.  For those who have read the narration, it came as 
no surprise that the minions were all female and weren't wearing very much, but 
it did surprise Ardweden and Dan.  But only a little bit.  This was the lair of 
the Hentai of the Lake, after all, and such scantily clothed female minions were 
only to be expected.

"Time to fight," said Dan.  "And not a moment too soon, I've only got a few 
minutes left."  He waded into the fray with abandon, making sure his weapons 
were set to stun levels.  Screams and moans of pain were heard shortly after 
that - the minions' weapons, generally of the close range variety, were no match 
for Dan's big guns.  Dan felt kind of bad about beating up the female minions, 
and then one almost took his head off with a wooden spoon.  He felt rather less 
bad about fighting them after that.

Ardweden hung back, feeling nervous about getting into yet another fight.  But 
she had no choice.  In mere seconds she was surrounded by the minions, and one 
of them was coming at her with an oversized fork.  She easily danced around the 
strike, and lunged forwards.  The minion tried to get her fork back up and 
around into a threatening pose, but Ardweden was too fast; with a quick pair of 
kicks the minion went down.  "Sorry," called Ardweden.

As if in response, ten minions stepped forward to replace the fallen one.

"Eep," said Ardweden.

"Power - low," said a rough computerised voice.  "Please recharge."

"Oh damn," said Dan, firing an energy weapon at a group of the minions.  Purple 
energy crackled over them, and they fell over, snoring even before they hit the 
ground.

"Power - dangerously low," said the voice.  "Recharging would be a very good 
idea."

"Whose idea was it to make these things so smartmouthed?" asked Dan, firing the 
Annoying Perfume gun.

"Power about to cut out," said the voice.  "Please have a backup plan, and have 
a good day."

"Bugger," said Dan, as his suit suddenly disappeared.  The minions had him 
caught and trussed up in a sack in just ten seconds.

"Dan?" asked Ardweden.

"Mrpwhnl?" said the sack.

"I'll get you out of there, I promise!" she swore.

And then she saw the opening.  It was small, but there was a way through the 
minions surrounding her.  And, miracle of miracles, it was roughly in Dan's 
direction.  She feinted one way, then doubled back and through the opening and 
fell right into a thick creamy substance, which for the sake of the plot held 
her fast, despite her mighty struggles.

"Ewww," she said.  "What IS this?"

"The peanut butter trap," said one of the minions.

"Peanut butter?"  Ardweden cautiously sniffed at the stuff she was stuck in.  
"What do you know, it is."

The minions lifted the oversized peanut butter jar from the hole in the ground, 
and screwed the top into place.  Thankfully for her, there were some airholes.

^_^  -_-  >_<

The minion entered the room and performed the courier dance - you can probably 
guess what Philip's reaction was by now.  "Your Hentainess," said the minion, 
"the six newcomers have been captured."

"Send them in," said Philip.

"Including the males?"

"Sure, why not," answered Philip.  "I actually have no interest in them, but as 
per standard procedure, I'll have them around to gloat at as I subject the 
females to my mad hentai schemes.  Just make sure to keep them to the side.  
Now, send in the captives."

At the minion's signal, more minions entered the great hall, from three 
different tunnels, carrying our valiant heroes with them.  Weep in despair, 
mighty heroes, for you have been caught!  You are to be held at the mercy of the 
dreaded Hentai of the Lake!  Truly this is a dire situation that you now find 
yourselves in!  Tremble, tremble and fear!

"Oh, it's you," said Philip.  "Hi guys.  How come you're invading my lair?"

"It *is* Philip," said Steve, who was being careful not to look at Scott, who 
still wasn't wearing very much.  That is, nothing except her ring, tiara, boots, 
and gloves, and Steve's shirt.  Which was quite a lot, really.  But she was 
missing the leotard and skirt, which some people might say were the more 
important parts of her costume, and the constant winds were almost but not quite 
blowing the shirt to hentai levels.

Kate tried not to stare.  "Um... Scott?  What happened?"

"Anti-clothing laser," explained Scott.  "And this is very embarrassing.  Not to 
mention chilly."

"I *am* here, you know," said Philip.

Because the plot now allowed it, Ardweden smashed out of the peanut butter jar, 
sending plastic shards everywhere.  One of the shards conveniently sliced 
through Dan's sack, just below the knot.  The sack fell and Dan tumbled free.  
He got up and massaged his aching joints.

"Hi Ardweden," said Philip.  "I love your look."

Ardweden's eyebrow twitched, and she stomped towards him.  "Are *you* the one 
who came with the incredibly silly idea of a peanut butter trap?"

"Actually, I prefer it when the victim isn't wearing any clothes, but her 
wearing clothes will do in a pinch," said Philip.

"And are you the one who decided to gas me from behind?" asked Illyria.

"Well," said Philip, pointing towards Kate, "she didn't sit in the Hot Chair, so 
I had to go with the backup plan."

"You wanted Kate to sit in a hot chair?" asked Scott dangerously.  "That does 
it.  Eat cute shiny death."  She struck a pose, and in response to Magical Girl 
instincts she really wished she didn't have, made a speech.  "Doing hentai 
things to perfectly innocent people for your own twisted amusement is evil and 
wrong!  I, Magical Pretty Princess Scott-chan, shall punish you in the name of 
cute!  And did I really just say all that?"

"Yes 'Scott-chan', you did," grinned Ardweden.

"Hey look," said Dan, "a conveniently placed recharge station."

"Yeah," said Philip, "I use it for my inventions.  They're always running out of 
power at the most inopportune times."

"Less talk," said Illyria, "and more kicking of Philip's tail."  He drew his 
sword as his trenchcoat turned plaid, and charged into the fray.  Minions 
charged right back, but with a single deft stroke per attacker, Illyria knocked 
them all out with the flat of the blade.

"Great idea," said Ardweden, striking a battle stance.  Once again, the minions 
took the fight to her.  But this was okay, as Ardweden easily gave it right 
back, in spades, usually with at least three strikes per minion.

"Power restored," said the computerised voice of Dan's mecha.  "You may now kick 
butt."  Dan proceeded to do so, firing many stunning energy blasts into the 
fray.  Large swathes of the opposing force fell down, asleep before they hit the 
ground.  Those that remained ran at him before he could fire again.  He 
activated the energy sword, making sure it was set to "lightly concuss" instead 
of "messily kill", and fought back against their charge.

Kate, for once, didn't have anything to say.  She just raised her mask to cover 
her face and transformed into her ninja garb, which was thankfully back to its 
old form.  She blurred into action, becoming an indistinct figure at the center 
of a storm of shuriken and nasty sounding thwacks.

"Super wai wai thunderous love of god and mother!" shouted Scott.  A spray of 
needle sharp pink hearts emanated from her, each one taking down at least one 
minion.  "This is getting utterly ridiculous," she muttered.  "Just how stupid 
can these names get?"

"I hope I don't embarrass myself this time," muttered Steve, and started 
emulating Ardweden's Martial Arts.  He hoped that his earlier skill with martial 
arts would help him out, perhaps giving him a better insight of how to use his 
mimiced skills.  He almost instantly found out that this was an unfounded hope.

The beatdown had well and truly commenced.

"This is where I lose, isn't it?" asked Philip.

Yes, Philip, it is.

"Darn," said Philip, demonstrating once again, the non-protagonist-ability to 
break the fourth wall.

The rest of the fight scene shall be glossed over as the chapter's action scene 
quota has been reached.  However, Illyria slashed at minions and Philip (when he 
became available) at high speed with the sword, Dan fired many energy guns, and 
Ardweden demonstrated 101 ways to knock someone out.  Scott shouted things like 
"Pretty in pink blossom lunar eclipse action" and "Cosmic wai of love and 
divinity" and Kate leaped into the air and threw shuriken from great heights and 
was generally very hard to hit.  For his part, Steve took out a few minions 
before attempting a flying kick, slipping as he landed, and fell on Philip's 
head, promptly knocking Philip out.  As is the way of these things, the minions 
instantly stopped fighting and surrendered when they saw their leader fall.

"Well, I suppose that's it," said Illyria, as she looked upon what she and the 
others had wrought, and saw that it was good.  "Time to go take him back to De 
Gemmel for trial."

"...how?" asked Steve, rubbing his head.  Landing on Philip's head had hurt.  
"Our boat got destroyed."

"I'm sure there's a way," said Ardweden.  "After all, if Philip terrorised and 
raided De Gemmel, he must have some way of getting there."

"Hey, you there!" said Dan.

One of the minions stepped forwards.  "Yes?"

"How does Philip get to De Gemmel for his raids?"

^_^  -_-  >_<

Here there would be a joke about the Author not wanting to write the return trip 
because it's too boring, but he got tired.  You'll just have to imagine that he 
made one.

^_^  -_-  >_<

"Well, it's great to back in the town of De Gemmel again," said Ardweden, 
stretching.  "And it's nice to see everybody returning, now that the Hentai of 
the Lake isn't a threat anymore."

"We'll keep him under lock and key," promised Dave.

"What do you know, it IS a little lovely and picturesque town," said Steve.  
"Once people are actually milling around."

"Stand still," ordered Jonatan, pointing an unfathomable device at the six.

"Excuse me?" asked Kate.

Jonatan pressed a button, and suddenly there was a picture of the six, looking 
quite surprised, filling the sky.  "It takes a picture and projects it, see?" he 
explained.  "This way we'll always remember the destined heroes when they saved 
De Gemmel from the Hentai of the Lake!"

Dave stared up at the picture.  "Wonderful.  Now, what about the people who use 
the stars for navigation?"

Jonatan made a pfft noise.  "Feh.  I can design a new and improved compass for 
them."

The box sputtered and threw sparks, and the picture changed to that of some 
roses.

"Ooo, pretty," said Ardweden.

"Actually, I would have preferred a picture of when she was naked, she was 
covered in peanut butter, and she was wearing that hentai ninja costume," said 
Philip, indicating the three girls of the group.  Well, the two girls and one 
current-but-not-very-happy-about-it-girl.  "Think you could do that?"

Ardweden, Kate, Illyria, and Scott hit him again.

"Ouch," said Philip.  "I guess not.  A shame."

^_^  -_-  >_<

"Say," said Dave, "I never did hear what you came here for."

"We're looking for some sort of muffin," said Steve.

"A *Maguffin*," clarified Kate.  "One of the legendary Seven Seals of Maguffin.  
Honestly, Steve, we can't take you anywhere."

Dave looked thoughtful for a moment.  "You know, I think I know just the thing."  
He put down the sack he was carrying and rummaged through it.  "Mayor Yasha said 
to give you all this stuff before you left, in thanks for defeating the Hentai 
of the Lake.  She also said to try and offload this useless paperweight."  He 
finally found what he was searching for, and tossed it over to Kate.

Kate looked at the dull grey metal cube, set on a wooden base, quizzically.  
"What's this?"

"Check the bottom."

Kate turned it over.  On the bottom was an inscription that read "This is just 
one of the Seven Seals of Maguffin!  Collect the whole set today!"

"Wai!" she cheered.  "Another of the Seals!"

A fanfare played, out of the blue.  Everybody ignored it.

"Onwards, on to the next one!" Kate proclaimed, and then remembered it was 
evening.  "But not before spending the night here."

"And don't forget all this cool stuff first," Dave suggested.


(To be continued)


 Author's Notes and Stuff
--------------------------
Wai!  That was fun.  ^_^  Hope you enjoyed reading this as much as I enjoyed 
writing it.

Thanks must go to David Menendez, Lady Chaos, Jonatan Streith, and Philip Barkow 
(who was so disappointed about being defeated without an exciting action scene, 
I decided to write some of one) for letting me insert them.  Thanks also go to 
Jonatan Streith, Philip Barkow, Lady Chaos and Illyria for prereading.

And thanks for reading this far.

Steven Scougall
http://www.crosswinds.net/~sscougall/
17th Septemeber 2000