Otaku Wish-Fulfillment Theater
Started by Scott Schimmel

Chapter 13:

Boybands and Pop Music... That, And I'm Still Not Giving Up The H!flash
Titling Trend, Jesse!

;_;

	Orange fighter needs food badly.

	Ardweden clutched at her stomach and moaned.  It wasn't that she
didn't enjoy tromping through endless miles of sun-cracked mud and grit
blowing on a sere wind, although she didn't.  It was more a matter of
moving past moderately peeved to somewhat pissed off at their total and
utter lack of food and the situations that had brought them there.  Yes,
Ardweden was mad.

	This was not a good sign.

	"I think I see it," Kate said hopefully.

	Steve and Scott looked flatly over at the ninja, who was shading her
eyes and peering into the distance.  "Really?" Scott asked, just a
small, teensy hint of sarcasm in her voice.

	"Well..." Kate drew out, "It COULD be the tower..."  She sighed.
"We're never going to catch up with that thing.  Aren't you recharged
yet, Dan?"

	"I can't recharge until I get something to eat," he muttered.  A
whistling of metal next to his ear halted him in his tracks, and he
blinked at the small desert rat that suddenly was brought in front of
his face, skewered for his convience.

	"You could cook that if you're really hungry," Illyria said, nodding
towards the flamethrower on Dan's arm.

	"...I don't think I'm to that point QUITE yet," Dan eww'd, more from
the realization that he was indeed heading to that point than the rat
itself.  Illyria shrugged and let the rat fall back to the ground, while
the rest of the party tried not to look at the little hunk of meat.  Bad
trails of thought hovered menacingly around that action, after all.

	The whole group being in such a miserable state, it therefore came
as a bit of a surprise when the train arrived.

	They all blinked; everyone but Illyria blinked twice.  They then
checked to verify that no, there were no train tracks and yes, that was
a conductor getting out of the nearest car.

	"If you'd accompany me, please, the Goddess wishes to relay a
message to you."

	Scott eyed him suspiciously.  "Okay, which Goddess?  And trains are
bad... is this a train like Doomtrain, or a train like the Phantom
Train, or is there a massive undead monster masquerading as a president
inside?  You know, like Gore?"

	The conductor smiled thinly.  "It's a train that, if you don't board
quickly, the Goddess will smite you for."

	"...Okay, then!" Dan merrily said as he motioned everyone on the
train.  "As our leader, I think we should take his word for it!"
Everyone but himself having passed through the door, he then flashed a
nervous smile at the conductor.  "Uh... all aboard?"

	"Very good, sir."

	It's a bit hard to know what to expect for the interior of a
floating magic desert-traversing train in the middle of an RPG fantasy
world.  None of them, though, had been expecting the sheep.  Ardweden
and Scott looked at each other and nodded.  "Phoebe."

	"You called?"  The Goddess of Whimsy looked up from her seat at the
bar, grinning widely.  "I've been hearing about your adventures.  And
how, well, you all are about as successful as Cloud as a motivational
speaker."  She motioned at them with her swizzle straw, jabbing
pointedly at the air.  "You need my help."

	Ardweden rolled her eyes.  "Come on, Phoebe.  We've already run into
half the people of impro.  They all -- well, the ones who didn't try to
kill us, that is -- helped us.  That's how we ended up like this."

	The blonde girl preened, looking altogether pleased with herself and
her lot in life.  "Yes, but they didn't end up as a goddess.  And the
four of us have been waiting ever since the second episode to be called
upon, and here you just go and ignore us.  Kind of like how you ignored
that new information you could get when you reached higher levels."

	There was a soft noise as twelve eyes were blinked in unison.  "Oh
yeah... we DID forget that, didn't we?" asked Scott, scratching her
head.

	Phoebe smiled the smile of the knowing.  It was combined with the
smile of the cheerfully capricious, and therefore looked somewhat
frightening.  "Well, lucky for you I decided to help you out!  I did it
on a whim, you know."

	"Yes, we know.  Goddess of Whimsy.  Nice way to carry through the
theme."

	Phoebe quirked an eyebrow, an amused smile starting to spread across
her face.  "Do you find something funny, Scott?"

	The magical girl started to snap back, then sighed in realization.
"Yes.  I'm a girl.  I wear a short little skirt, have a transformation
sequence, I giggle and get big starry eyes, and I WHINE.  Wah wah wah."

	"Hahahahahaha!"

	Scott glowered.  "Well, then nice to know YOU find something funny.
Why aren't you making fun of Illyria?"

	The grin on the goddess' face grew as she eyed the bishounen, and
she shrugged.  "Hey, I won't complain.  Oh, stop giving me that look,
everyone.  I'll smite you all, I swear."  She took another sip of her
drink, then favored them with another amused look.  "So, would you like
the information you're allowed, now?"

	"Hit us!" Dan gleefully replied, then cowering under the glares of
his party as he realized that no, that probably hadn't been the wisest
way to phrase it.

	With a blinding (and cheap to render) flash of white light, the
group found themselves in a rather Eisenhower Era-esque schoolroom,
Phoebe standing at the lecturn and waving a ruler threateningly at them.

	"I'm getting horrible flashbacks to that summary sequence," Steve
groaned.  "Being super-deformed gave me a headache for hours."

	"Too bad," Phoebe crisply replied, "because it's time for another
one before I tell you what to do next.  Want to make sure we're on the
same page, after all."

	POOF, went the group as they suddenly found themselves sprite-based.
They sighed and let out a collective "...wai."

	"At least we're not in script format!" Kate optimized, smiling
brightly.

SD Scott: Great going, Kate.

SD Kate: (drops her head) Sorry, sorry.

SD Ardweden: You all are WEIRD, you know that?  Anyways, we fought a
	giant mechanized Mokona and defeated it.  Yay us!

SD Dan: We rule!

SD Steve: Once again, I did absolutely nothing to help.  At least I'm
	still getting paid.

SD Scott: We're not getting a salary for appearing in this series,
Steve.

SD Steve: DAMMIT!

SD Ardweden: But then Xelloss stole the Seal that had been held within
	the Mokona, and we were all terribly, terribly sad.  See?

SD Illyria: (stands there silently for a long moment, then finally
	offers Scott a rose)

SD Ardweden: ...Right, anyways, like I was saying.  We've been trying to
	track down the darned seals now forever.  But we got some great
	upgrades along the way!

SD Kate: Great?

SD Scott: (muttering while absently putting the rose in her hair) A nice
	pair of sweatpants and a t-shirt is the upgrade I want...

SD Dan: So we've been tracking that down, and have been to all sorts of
	places since then.  And we have two modes of travel now... I turn
	into an SUV, which means I'm what every American wants and dreams
	of! (grins hopefully at Ardweden)

SD Ardweden: No, Dan.

SD Dan: Dang.

SD Steve: We also have this bird-guy.

SD Damien: Who's been conspicously absent up until now.  It's almost
	like the author forgot about me until this point.  And I'm NOT
	MOLTING, you two, so stop laughing!

SD Kate and SD Scott: Sorry!

SD Dan: Annnnnyways, we're currently chasing after this tower to try and
	get back the seal that was stolen.  The tower is big, and fast, and
	we're not entirely sure what we'd do if we caught up with it, but...
	uh... yeah.  Go us!  We're the heroes!

Everyone but Illyria: WE RULE!

SD Phoebe: (pops onto the screen, dressed like a cute lil' SD Urd) And
	that about sums it up!  There really wasn't THAT much, but since Our
	Heroes are about to get an entirely different outlook on their
	quest, I figured it was a good idea to make sure they knew what had
	happened so far!

SD Kate: Yes, that is a good ide... huh?

	Phoebe grinned as the six suddenly popped back to normal size,
though she stayed super-deformed.  "Well, you see, you would have
already known this if you'd come back to the Oracle like you should
have.  But since you're a bunch of SLACKERS..."  She waved her hand in
vague circles.  "Too bad for you!"

	Scott sighed.  "Just tell us already, so we can get going and find
something to eat."

	"Aww, Scott, you're so cute when you pout!  Anyways, here's the
deal.  Let's look at the sitation critically, shall we?  How many seals
are there?"

	"...Seven," Ard finally said after they realized that Phoebe was
actually waiting for an answer.

	"And how many of you are there?"

	"Six," Scott tiredly replied.  "So?"

	"And how many big supervillians are there for you to face?"

	"Well..." Kate frowned.  "We don't know for sure, but tradition
would say one, right?"  She blinked.  "So, the seven seals are us and
the villian?"

	Phoebe nodded.  "Of course, the readers probably figured that out a
while ago, but you guys seem to be quite a bit slower than them.
Anyways, the seals ARE what you need to find, but not quite for the
reason you're thinking of.  They won't open up any portal back home as
soon as you collect them all."

	"...They won't?"  The sounds of a half-dozen set of expectations
being crushed echoed through the train car.

	"Nope!  But finding 'em will make you strong enough to face the last
villian.  Just find six seals, and you're good to go!  So, Kate... how
long has it been since you've fallen on your face?"

	The ninja blinked, scratched her head, and smiled.  "Hey, it has
been a while!  Ha!  Great, I'm not clumsy any mo-OW."

	Phoebe winced as Kate picked herself up off the floor, sitting on
the chair that had collapsed under her.  "Well, I didn't say they'd make
you PERFECT.  Anyways, Kate and Steve have received their powerups, so
the rest of you all have that to look forward to."

	"...I've been powered up?"  Steve dropped his face into his palm.
"Scott, do you wanna switch powers?  At least I'd be able to DO
something."

	"Believe me, I would if I could."

	Dan frowned.  "So, the tower we're chasing... should we just go
after the next seals, then, and try to get them before he can?"  A
fanfare sounded, and Dan suddenly found himself looking like the star of
an Imperial margarine commercial.  He poked at his crown.  "I'm taking
that as a yes.  So where do we look?"

	A map blinked into existence, hanging in thin air.  Phoebe WHAPPED a
pointer against it, motioning to a huge red dot.  "You are not here."

	"...Uh... thanks..."

	She pointed then to a small blinking blue dot.  "You ARE here.  You
need to be there," she explained, pointing back to the red dot.  "This
is the largest city in the world.  Atop the hill in its center sits a
temple, where priestesses guard a seal.  It is the Temple of the Four-"

	"Goddesses?" asked Kate.

	"Winds?" guessed Scott.

	"Seasons?" hmm'd Steve.

	"Weasels," replied Phoebe, scowling at being interrupted.  "It's
tradition, all right?  The Temple of the Four Weasels lies atop the
central hill of the city of Ef Ephimel."

	The six paused, rolling that name over their tongues.  They then
looked at Phoebe suspiciously; she simply continued on, ignoring their
expressions.  "It can be a dangerous place, so be prepared.  A favorite
game of the citizens is to chase after each other with giant pieces of
sharpened wood which they've lit on fire."

	"They WHAT?" Ard asked, eyes huge.

	Phoebe shrugged.  "Flame wars."

	There was a short pause as they all considered this; finally, Steve
spoke up.  "So, we don't have to keep the seals, then?  We just have to
get them, and then whoever it's aligned with gets their powerup, and
then we can move on to the next one?"

	The goddess blinked.  "Well no, you don't have to keep them if you
don't want to, so long as the right person has come in contact with
them... why?"

	Steve grinned.  "Just wondermfhinglph," he mumbled through a
mouthful of Pocky.

	The five stared at him.  "Hey, no fair!" Kate shouted, grabbing for
the box.  "Share!"  Ard and Scott made a grab for the box, too, and Dan
circled around, looking for a spot to jump in.  The squabbling was
brought to a sudden halt by a shiny piece of steel sailing through the
empty space between the "warriors," landing a perfect hit on the box of
otaku-favored goodies.

	Illyria plucked the Pocky off the end of his sword, frowning
slightly.  "You're going about this the wrong way."

	Dan began to storm over.  "Hey, you can't just take the foo-"

	Illyria handed him the box.  "If Dan is allowed to recharge, we'll
be able to find travel more quickly."

	Holding the box over his head with a look of triumph, Dan chortled,
"Well, I'm glad SOMEONE in this group has some sense!"

	"No faiiiiiiir!" Kate, Ard, Scott, and Steve whined.

	Dan looked at them all flatly.  "You're just jealous because you
don't have a crown," he smirked as he munched on the Pocky.

	"Well then," the still-SD-goddess chirped, "Looks like my job is
done!  Oh, and before I go, Kate thinks Illyria is cute.  Good luck,
everyone!"

	There was a pause as Phoebe poofed out of existence in a cloud of
smoke and fanfare of boy band music.  Even Dan stopped chewing on his
snack, and everyone turned at looked at Kate.  She looked at them all
with huge eyes, face turning crimson.  "Uh... uh... hey, where's
Damien?"

	Damien waved from over in a corner, since the author had apparently
forgotten about him again.  "That's me, the perfect distraction."

	Kate gave him a thumbs-up.  "That you are!  Thanks!"

	That settled, or at least tabled for the moment, Our Heroes went on
their merry way.

@_@

	An hour later, they learned the downside of fueling their
transportation with month-old Pocky.  A few kicks in the gearshift
quieted Dan up nicely, though.

h_h

	Heroes in RPGs always look freakishly large compared to towns and
cities on the overworld map (Which leads to interesting images of
Squallzilla going, "...growl," but I digress).  Ef Ephimel still looked
big as Our Heroes approached it.

	"Wow," Kate boggled as she looked at the massive city, spiraling up
the hill to the golden-roofed temple at its crown.  "Why, that looks big
enough to take a whole episode to climb!"

	A rumbling from the city gates drew their attention, and they
blinked as a huge mass of robed people suddenly poured from the gates,
surrounding them.  Pitchforks were waved, torches were lit, and scowls
were seen a'plenty.  "Are you esai?" one of the robed-figured demanded,
waving his torch at the group.

	"Esai?" the seven repeated, confused.  They scratched their head for
a second, then the proverbial lightbulb went off.

	"Oh, S.I.!" Scott laughed.  "Actually, we are-"

	The pitchforks were leveled at the party.

	"-n't," finished Scott, eyes huge.  "Nope!  Not at all, you can go
away now, ha ha ha!  Erm... all hail Ranma shortfics?"

	"She knows the password!"

	"The password!  The password!" cheered the group, instantly turning
on their heels and passing through the gates.

	Scott swallowed, breathing a sigh of relief.  "This place is WEIRD.
Uh... maybe just some of us should go.  You know, like Ard and Dan!
People who don't get scary stories written about their archetypes all
the time!"

	Kate moved behind Scott, pushing on her shoulders to force her
forward.  "But that's exactly why YOU need to go, Scott!  We may need a
magical girl in the group to get information from people!"

	Scott winced, thinking of some of the more embarassing, scary,
and/or dangerous stories she'd read involving magical girls.  "Send
Illyria, instead!  Work with the badly-plotted shounen ai and yaoi
authorship!"

	Illyria GLARED at Scott.  She winced.  "Um... I tease because I
love?"

	Ard and Kate both pushed on the duo's shoulders, forcing them
towards the gates.  "C'mon, c'mon!  We've gotta get as many seals as we
can before the big villian can!  Time's a'wasting!"

	Dan looked over at Steve.  "Betcha wish Scott hadn't said that,
huh?"

	Steve nodded.  "Oh yeah."  Shaking their heads, they made their way
towards the gate, and the next seal.

	Damien sighed.  "This is getting ridiculous," he muttered as he
trailed after the six, entering the city.

x_x

Author's notes:
Well, I COULD have had a busier week to write this in, but I'm at a loss
to say how, exactly.  I wasn't going to skip, though, and so basically
ended up doing what a lot of people had commented to me about:
streamlining things a little and helping set some direction.  NeoVid did
a good job of that in his chapter, so I tried to just continue with it.
So, it ended up being a little drier and shorter than I would have
liked, but I tried to get all that done, and at least work in SOME
jokes.  Thanks to Scott Schimmel for prereading and Ardweden for helping
spark the whole Ef Ephimel idea.

Now, back to my research paper on Northern Humanist painters, written
entirely in German.  x.x

-Illyria