Ef Ephimel, while possessing many qualities that were
less than endearing to our heroes, such as for instance the
tendency of most of the populace to randomly attempt to
flambe each other or the inexplicably oddly-named temples,
to say nothing of the maddening collectible card games, did
possess one commodity that they very much appreciated.

	Like all good fantasy-RPG towns, it possessed an inn.

	It was rather late after the events of the previous
chapter, and that fact served as a convenient excuse to
spend a night in (more or less) comfort.  The decision was
both unanimous and unspoken.

	After all that excitement, any sensible person would
want a nice rest, right?

@_@

Otaku Wish-Fulfillment Theater
by Scott Schimmel

Chapter 15:  Something and Something Else... That, and...
Oops, Wait a Minute, This Was Supposed To Be a FFL Chapter
Title

@_@

	Sensible persons were in rather short supply.  Dan and
Steve sat glumly in a corner, their attempt to divest Kate
of her precious cards having failed miserably.  Ardweden sat
on the bed, tuning her lute.  Why she did this, when she
never actually played it but only hit people with it, was
not clear.  Perhaps fearing the answer, nobody asked. 
Illyria was engaged in the process of attempting to sharpen
his sword, which already held a near-monofilament edge.  His
lips were twisted into the slightest of frowns as he worked. 
Kate was counting through the thick stack of cards which Dan
and Steve had failed to divest her of.  Damien had retreated
to the closet after one too many "molting" jokes.  And Scott
was bored.

	"I'm bored," announced Scott, redundantly.

	Dan shrugged.  "Go to sleep.  We even have beds for a
change."

	"I'm not tired."

	"Read a book," Ardweden suggested.

	"We don't have any."

	"Do your laundry?" Steve suggested.  "Definitely one of
the bigger advantages of inns, having clean clothes again."

	"Don't need to.  I get a new outfit every time I
detransform."

	"Really?"

	Scott shrugged.  "I get a new costume every time, too. 
Which is a good thing, since it's apparently made of tissue
paper and can evidently be shredded by a stiff breeze," she
finished sourly.

	"I can see how that would be convenient, then."

	"How about a game?" Kate offered.

	Ardweden rolled her eyes.  "You know you're the only
one who thinks that's interes--"

	"Sure!"  Scott made an effort to break the land speed
record as she settled into a kneeling position across from
Kate.  "Set up the board."

	Dan's jaw dropped.  "You... hey, wait a minute. 
Where'd you get cards?"

	"Backstage.  There were a bunch of them lying around."

	"You *stole* them?"

	"Well, yeah.  They kidnapped me, so I figure we're more
or less even."

	"Do you know how to play?" Kate wondered.

	"I've picked up a little just from listening.  And how
hard could it be?"

@_@

	"...and a Kate card played on a Shadow square along the
player's right-hand edge of the board after sunset on an
even month adds three to the right offense unless it's
opposing a Bishounen card or the player's opponent has four
or more vowels in his or her name.  I win again!"  She
clapped happily.

	"Wai," Steve mumbled, from where he sat against the
wall.  He was the sole surviving spectator after forty-one
rounds; the others had long since been bored to-- er, that
is, gone to sleep.

	Scott stared down at the board.

	"You're getting better," Kate said encouragingly. 
"Look, you have *two* cards this time, and I only have
fourteen!"

	Scott stared at the board some more, apparently not
cheered up, for some reason.

	"Well, I guess we should call it a night," Kate said
sheepishly.  "Sorry about winning all your cards."

	"One more game."

	"What?" Steve and Kate asked simultaneously.

	"I've still got eight cards, and I am beginning to hate
this game with a passion.  If I lose, I never have to think
about it again.  If I win, I want you to promise you'll
never mention it again.  'Kay?"

	Kate stared for a second, then shook her head.  "You
are really weird."

	"Just play."

	Shrugging, Kate laid down a card in the corner.  "Steve
on a neutral square, one extra defense on all sides."

	Steve perked up, leaning forward to peer at the board. 
"I have a card?"  His face fell as he studied it. 
"Background Elemental?  Figures.  Even my card can't do
anything."

	"It could be worse," Scott said, claiming the opposite
corner with his Demota card.

	"Aww, c'mon, it can't be that bad.  You haven't even
said 'wai!' once today!"

	"I can control myself, thank you," she retorted
testily.

	"What about when you--?" began Steve.

	"Usually," Scott interrupted, scowling.

	"Serendipity Rule," Kate announced as she set down a
Yu-Mei card and captured all three of the ones Scott had
played.

	"...Damn.  Anyway... I've been thinking maybe I can
avoid some of the side effects if I interpret the archetype
a different way.  I could be an evil magical girl."

	"But you'd be on the other side," Steve reasoned.

	"Maybe not.  I could be an anti-hero."

	"But you'd have to wear a skimpy black leather bikini,"
Kate pointed out.  "Most evil magical girls do."

	"...oh.  Yeah, probably."  Scott sighed.  "Scratch that
idea.  Not a word, Steve."

	Steve, not feeling suicidal, promptly closed his mouth.

	"Inevitable Crossover Rule," Kate said, playing a Ranma
card, and claiming two more of Scott's.

	"I think you're just making these rules up."

	"You can look it up if you want," Kate offered, playing
her last card and capturing the rest of Scott's. 
"Fifteen-nothing."

	"Wow," Steve observed.  "She's really kicked your butt
tonight."

	Scott sighed, setting down her last card.  "Scott card
on a Kawaii square in the center of the board, played as the
last card when the entire board belonged to the opponent. 
Defying Overwhelming Odds Rule.  I win."

	Kate blinked.  "That... but... you..." she stuttered.

	"What rule?" Steve asked.

	Scott sighed.  "The magical girl always wins at the
last minute."  Then she perked up.  "Hey, I won!  I never
have to see this game again!  WAI!  Who's the man, huh?"

	"Not you, at the moment," Steve reminded her.

	"Gee, Steve, thanks so much for ruining my good mood."

	Kate studied the board, still in shock.

	Steve flashed a quick grin.  "So I suppose there are
advantages to being a magical girl after all."

	"Well, yeah," Scott admitted.  "I'm fine with the
'magical' part.  And the rest is controllable, as long as I
pay attention.  Mostly."

	"Dancing Scotsmen," Steve prompted.

	Scott rolled her eyes.  "I like dancing.  I was in the
dance troupe in high school.  And to address your
implication, the 'mindless mooning over some guy' aspect is
one part of the archetype I've thankfully missed out on."

	An eyebrow arched.  "Illyria?"

	Closing her eyes, Scott rubbed her forehead.  "Okay,
first of all, Illyria still looks like a girl, second of all
she really *is* one, and third of all I'm *not* in love with
her.  Got it?"

	A little half-shrug answered her.

	"I'm tired.  Time for bed."

	Steve nodded.  "It's been a long day."

	They walked out of the room, leaving Kate to her
intense study of the board.

@_@

	"So," Ardweden began when they had gathered the next
morning.  "I guess we're off to the Isle of Bishounen?"

	"No," Illyria said.  As it was the first time she'd
spoken in twelve hours or so, the others paused to stare for
a moment.

	"No?" Dan finally asked.

	"We need to get the Seals before Xelloss does," Illyria
stated.

	"Right," Steve began, "so... oh.  I see."

	"See what?" Damien squawked.

	"Tell them," Illyria said, then lapsed again into
silence, having just used up an entire day's quota of
dialogue within a minute.

	"The Seal is on the Isle," Steve explained.

	"Yeah?"

	"With Todd."

	"Yeah?"

	"Who would cheerfully blast Xelloss to atoms if he were
to show up within a hundred miles of the Isle," Steve
concluded.

	"Oh.  Yeah."

	"I guess that Seal's safe, then," Kate said.  A night's
rest had done wonders for her, and she was almost as
cheerful, energetic, and generally annoying to non-morning
people as ever.

	Steve nodded.  "So the best bet is probably to leave it
until last and get the others, which Xelloss can still
reach, first.  It does mean Illyria will have to do without
her power-up for a while, but..."  He glanced at the
bishounen, who shrugged eloquently.  "Yeah."

	"Good plan, Steve," Ardweden opined.  "There's only one
small problem."

	"Problem?"

	"Where do we find the other Seals?"

	The wind howled, punctuating the sudden silence.

@_@

	"I'm telling you, that's got to be it!"

	"'Because I say so' is not a good reason to hike out to
the middle of nowhere, Dan," Ardweden reasoned.

	Kate snapped her fingers.  "Hey, I've got an idea!  I
was just thinking, there are four gods, and we've met three
of them so far--"

	"Two, actually," Steve corrected her.  "We only met the
third one's oracle."

	"That's not the point.  The point is, they've all
helped us so far whenever we've come across them--"

	"Except for Phoebe, who also sent a pack of rabid
lizards after us because she was bored."

	Ardweden ignored the interruption.  "--so if we visit
the fourth one, maybe we'll get another clue!"

	Dan paled.  "Fourth... Stephica?"

	"Ard," began Steve, "that's absolutely--"

	"Brilliant!" Kate chirped.  "This'll be so much fun!"

	"Uh..."  Dan thought fast.  "Yeah.  Fun.  Too bad the
Dan Woods are so far away, and Damien can't fly us there. 
Oh, well, we can't afford to waste the time on a trip that
may not pan out.  Ha ha."

	"I'll handle it," Scott murmured.

	Dan blinked.  "Pardon?"

	"Teleport," she explained wearily, then scowled.  "You
didn't think blasting things was all I could do?"

	"You can teleport?" Steve asked.  Scott nodded.  "And
you didn't think to mention this *before*?  Like, oh, I
don't know, when we were STARVING TO DEATH IN THE DESERT?"

	"Wouldn't've helped."

	"What?"

	Kate nodded thoughtfully.  "Because we can only
teleport to towns we've already been to.  Of course!"

	Illyria shrugged.  "Let's go."

	"Sure.  Get into a circle and hold hands, and I'll be
right back."

	"What now?" Steve wondered.

	Scott shuddered.  "Unless a dragon lands in front of us
and starts spewing fire, I am *not* going to transform in
public.  Especially not in this city."

@_@

	With a flash of rainbow sparkles that probably alerted
every person, animal, and vaguely intelligent monster within
fifty kilometers, our heroes appeared in the village of Tae,
near the Dan Woods.

	In a fantasy role-playing game, the characters tend to
appear right at the entrance of the town, or just outside of
the town.  This must have been one of those minor details
that fantasy RPGs gloss up, because the six heroes (plus
Damien) did not appear at the entrance to Tae.  They
appeared, in fact, roughly twenty feet above the village of
Tae.

	Fortunately (as Ardweden pointed out, trying to find a
bright side) they had appeared directly over the pond, which
had broken their fall.

	For some reason this didn't seem to cheer up the cold,
dripping party.

@_@

	"Nice aim," Dan remarked as they entered the Dan Woods.

	"Lmillown."

	"Maybe next time you can get us into the well."  Dan
fiddled with his transformation button uneasily.  "I hope my
armor doesn't short-circuit..."

	"I said leave.  Me.  Alone!"

	"Dan..." Ardweden murmured.

	"Okay, fine.  First time, problems, I can understand
that.  Sorry."

	"Bite me."

	Ardweden rolled her eyes.  "Scott..."

	"Sheesh," Dan mused with a faint smile.  "Must be that
time of th--"  His face froze.  "Oh my god."

	"I was perfectly happy never having thought about that,
Dan," Steve remarked.

	"Sorry, man," Dan said, trying mightily to resist the
temptation to snicker.  "I feel your pain."

	Three seconds later, the group paused to watch Dan's
slow collapse as Scott removed her knee from a delicate
portion of his anatomy.  "You do now," she said, with a
kawaii little smile.

	"ow," Dan squeaked.

@_@

	"Do you guys notice anything weird about these woods?"
Kate asked, some time later.

	Steve frowned.  "Now that you mention it, I'm pretty
sure we've been through this clearing already."

	"Oh, great.  Magical forest you can't pass through. 
How cliche."

	"That probably means there's a mini-boss around here
somewhere," Ardweden pointed out.  The others looked at her. 
"What?  I've played RPGs, too, y'know."

	"But there was nothing here but slimes last time we
came through," Scott complained.

	Kate took this as an invitation to expound, once more,
on RPG physics.  "Well, in some games... most of them,
actually... the monsters you meet are tied to the area.  So
a level 60 hero can go back to the first town and he'll
still run into slimes.  But sometimes the monsters get
tougher according to your character level, especially in a
case where you have to go through the same dungeon more than
once.  So we don't know yet which type this is."

	With a loud crash, a tree fell across the path in front
of them.  A dozen large masses of solid muscle emerged to
surround them, roaring bestially and brandishing rough clubs
that appeared to be trees torn bodily out of the ground and
divested of their limbs.

	"Correction," Steve said sardonically, "we know this is
the second type."

	"Ogres.  Ah, man..."

	"Hey, it's less messy than slimes, right?" Kate asked.

	"Oh.  I guess that's true," Ardweden said, cheering up
slightly.

	"Yeep!"  Scott ducked a tree trunk as Illyria
effortlessly jumped, sailing above it.  The bishounen had
drawn his sword at some point, and it gleamed impressively
in the sunlight.

	"Monsters.  No respect for heroic dialogue," Steve
cracked.  Then he noticed that Kate, Ardweden, and Dan were
already moving into action.  "Hey!  Don't leave me alone out
here!"

	Illyria had already dismembered the first ogre, but
Scott was not so lucky.  She'd frantically dodged backwards,
avoiding a second swing, trying to gain enough distance to
pull off an attack.  She hadn't quite been quick enough,
though, and the edge of the club had clipped her. 
Fortunately, her motion had let her roll with the blow, so
that, whereas it otherwise might have broken major portions
of her skeletal system, it ended up not even hurting all
that much, considering.  Unfortunately (from her
perspective), her costume had all the resilience of crepe
paper, and so did not, unlike her, survive practically
unscathed.

	She pushed herself back to her feet, practically
glowing with anger.  "Damn it!  I'd like to get through ONE
lousy episode without losing most of my clothes!  Is that
too much to ask?!"

	"Apparently," said Dan.  But he said it very, very
quietly.

	"Grah," said the ogre, raising the club overhead again.

	"This," said Scott, "is a *very* *BAD* day to upset me. 
Eat cute shiny death."  She cupped her hands, thrusting them
forward.  "Gentle Hell Rhapsody!"  A gout of bilious green
fluid poured forth, washing over the ogre.  A moment later,
when it had passed, only a skeleton remained.

	"That wasn't very cute," said Steve.

	"Or shiny," said Ardweden.

	"Scott!" said Kate, as the magical girl collapsed.

	"Nine to go," said Illyria, slicing and dicing.  "Make
that eight."

@_@

Author's notes:  I'm in a weird mood this week.  Not one
that leads to mass comic insanity, it seems.  Ah, well.

Thanks to Ardweden for prereading.


Scott Schimmel            Ex ignorantia ad sapientium;
                          Ex luce ad tenebras
"You really aren't normal, are you?" - Miki Koishikawa