improparty:
what is this thing called?

by the black wyvern of armorica
and unfortunately neovid

The world swam blearily back into view as the monster opened its eyes again,
growling darkly in the back of its throat as it realized that, yes, reality
was still firmly in place around it. Its skin felt tight and scummy from a
layer of congealed sweat, but that couldn’t be helped until the shower could
be located. Wherever it was. Stuff tended to change around a bunch due to the
Wyvern’s unhealthy psychic aura, which continually played havoc with the
environment--the piled-up hate mail from Greenpeace was enough to make even
Nakago get guilt complexes.
Scratching lazily at the firm muscles of its abdomen, the once-great Dark
Beast pushed itself upright and blinked several times. It was sprawled across
its small, low bed, stripped to the waist and probably looking like hell. It
didn’t particularly care how long it had slept--its time wasn’t exactly in
high demand anymore. Glancing across the room, it noticed that its partner was
also lying casually on his bed, legs crossed at the ankle and an abandoned
Mild Seven smoking forlornly in a nearby ashtray. He was reading the latest
issue of Shonen Jump, predictably enough.
"Hoi, Yuu-kun," the ex-god grunted. "Did you keep track of where I left off,
by any chance?"
A page turned, though the only thing easily visible of the other’s head was a
disarrayed mass of shining black hair. "Four bottles of Everclear," Yuusuke
replied.
The Wyvern’s eyebrow went up. "Four bottles of Everclear?" it repeated in
amazement. Another lengthy series of blinks ensued. "Hm. Guess it’s time for a
chaser, then."
"BW?"
"Hm?"
"Can you make the wall over there not alive anymore? It’s kind of
distracting."
Now on its feet, the Dark Beast turned and looked over its shoulder at the
wall behind its bed. What had previously been plaster over cinder blocks had
gained a grab-bag skeletal structure, several stringy clusters of
unidentifiable organs (still the same grey as the original stone), and
something that looked like a giant cybernetic heart/spleen made of brass and
polished gems. Scratching meditatively at the thick backward sweep of its
charcoal-grey mane, the Wyvern said, "Oh. Lemme fix that." It ripped one steel
leg off of its bed and immediately went to work. In a few seconds, every bone
was shattered into several pieces, all the organs were beaten into paste, and
the cybernetic... thing... had been reduced to scrap. Unmentionable fluids
slowly leaked across the floor in a disgusting lake of composite goosh.
Tossing its instrument of destruction onto its rumpled mattress, the divinity
headed for the small ‘fridge. "All done."
Yuu lowered the magazine just a bit and glanced over at the carnage, the
slightest hint of surprise in his dark brown eyes. "Ano... That wasn’t quite
what I meant..."
Half-buried in the overstuffed refrigerator, the Wyvern waved one
long-fingered hand dismissively over its shoulder. "Don’t worry, I’ll put it
back to normal after I finish this and get a shower." It tossed a cupful of
bright green stuff into a plastic gallon jug filled with clear liquid, and
prepared to chug it most heartily.
"Hey, hang on! The storebought bottled water is mine!" exclaimed the
PsychoShonen.
"It’s not bottled water, sir," the Wyvern said seriously, poised for the drink
and looking at its associate out of the corner of one bright-silver eye. "It’s
three shots of Mudori in a gallon of vodka." The quick observer might have
caught Yuusuke rolling his eyes a split second before the mag covered his face
again. Shrugging, B.W.A. fell to.
...glugglugglugglug...
"Oh, one other thing," Yuu commented from behind his daily dose of J-culture.
"That guy with the glasses and the jacket with stars in it..."
...glugglugglugglug...
"He keeps asking after you. Something about how you read his stuff and he
wants to talk to you about it."
...glugglugglugglug...
"He says that if you kill any more random bystanders with your aura, then he’s
going to tear your head off and start a kickball game with the locals."
...glugglugglugglug...
"Then he said he'll think of something painful."
...glugglugglugglug...
"Uh, BW?"
...glugglugglugglug...
"Um…hey, come up for air before you pass out, man."
...glugglugglugglugG-LUCK. "...Aaaah. Damn, that hits the spot just right."
"I’d hope so."
Falling to its knees and leaning back to stare serenely at the ceiling, the
Wyvern commented, "You know, if I could change one thing about my pathetically
human body, I’d give myself a real human’s metabolic structure.
That way, I could take advantage of all those great mood-altering drugs that
they have out there..."
Yuusuke chuckled and swung his legs over the side of his bed, closing his
magazine and laying on the neatly-folded blanket. "Heh. I can just imagine you
on Prozac." There was a loud thunk as the other’s skull hit the stone floor.
"It’s one of the scariest things I’ve ever pictured in my life."
"Ghinty-hine vthottles uth fvbeer onna hall...," the ex-deity sang, a small
puddle of its own drool pasting its head to the concrete.
Yuu looked down on it in scorn. "Man, quit doing that. You’re reminding me of
my goddamn ex-roommate."
With a swift shake of its mane, the Dark One was competely back to normal(?),
looking up at Yuu with contrite eyes. "Ugh, I never thought of it like that.
Sorry. I’ll swear off the booze from now on."
"I can’t believe that you just started drinking yesterday."
A shrug. "Hey, it’s not like it really has any effect on me." Noticing the
non-open state of the shonen’s reading material, it asked, "Anything good in
this issue?"
"Oh yeah," Yuu replied, his face showing no real emotion. "This new manga
company just created an alternate version of X, based on the American dub."
"No shit? What are they calling it?"
"X Flash!."
"..."
"There’s a yaoi scene between two or more of the Dragons of Earth about every
ten pages or so," the angry young boy deadpanned blandly. "And it kind of ends
like the Disney version of Hunchback of Notre Dame--you know, everyone is all
happy and nobody dies." He paused for a second. "I’ve seen better typesetting,
but the inking was actually very nice."
"Uh huh. So at the end, when the one guy kills the other guy who’s his best
friend, what happens in this version?"
A minute twitch developed at one corner of Yuusuke’s mouth. He coughed
shallowly once, then gasped, "Y... y... ya... yao..."
Realizing quickly that the pulsing veins in the warrior’s temples and the
deadly red light in his eyes meant that Yuu was gearing up for either a
homicidal episode or another suicide attempt, the Wyvern snapped its
suddenly-taloned fingers and manifested a giant steel drum nearby, which had
YUU’S BIG TANK O’ SOUJUU written on it with black felt pen. It extended its
other hand towards its partner, offering a nice, shiny shot glass. "Think
happy thoughts, compadre. And while you’re at it, down some of this."
Weeping wholeheartedly over the loss of X’s dignity, Yuusuke threw himself at
the massive container of life-restoring nectar and began to do that thing.
Sighing sadly, the Wyvern walked over to the door of their little adjoining
room (which was the designated computer-and-game lair), prepared to hit the
Internet. Just as it reached the threshold, the creature turned back and
intoned grimly, "Yuu... no matter how bad it was for you, I somehow feel that
I cannot relate... because nothing on this earth can be as pathetic and
generally shitty as The Predator Vs. The Brady Bunch. Nothing, sir.
Nevertheless, I’m here to support you in your time of grief; come to me
anytime you feel like talking." With that, it disappeared into the small room
and closed the door behind it.
As it crossed over to the beefed-up terminal that they shared, the Wyvern
shook its head and said, "I’m glad that I never explained the plot of Ai no
Kusabi to him. Much less the idea about the secrets that it reveals regarding
King of Fighters."
"Huh? Wait, how do you figure that?" asked the spectral manifestation of the
PBA[S] Wyvern, who was leaning up against the wall behind the door. Parts of
it phased in and out as it crossed over several realities at once.
Turning to the semi-version of itself, the Wyvern replied, "Well, if you think
about AnK a certain way, it’s kind of like it’s a love triangle involving Andy
Bogard and Kyo Kusanagi. And Iori Yagami is Andy’s little castrated slave boy,
and Terry Bogard keeps trying to convince his big brother not to compromise
his status by doinking Kyo."
"...You’re a sick little bitch now that you’ve gone funny in the head, other
me."
"Gosh, thank you."
"So who gets to be Guy?"
Scratching the back of its neck, the Wyvern shrugged, then offered, "Kim
Kaphwan?"
The other Wyvern made a gratuitous puking noise, despite its current lack of
any visible head. "I take back the sick bitch comment. You should be dragged
into the street and shot."
"You’re right. Kim doesn’t have a ponytail. How stupid of me to miss that one
vital fact! So, I dunno... Ralf?"
"Just drop the subject, you."
The original Wyvern took out a steel toothpick and grinned evilly as it picked
its fangs. "How ‘bout Rugal?"
"Shut up. Hey, and gimme back my toothpick, bastard!"
"Manifest and take it from me, Captain Gimperus. Now go away--I have to do
some research."
"I’ve got to tell Yuu about that love triangle thing. If he snapped and beat
you to death with an empty beer bottle, I’d laugh my ass off."
"In that case, I’m going to tell Keori that your magnum shoots blanks."
"W-whattheFU--!?!"
"Ah-ah-ah... shoo. I need to work now."
>From the other room, a wavery voice sang, with great passion, "SseVERed
HEAd~!"
"Eh?" grunted the Guyvern.
"Looks like Yuu’s gone over his eight-shot limit," chuckled the original.
"T-they CuT offf HiSS HEAd...," crooned the traumatized PShonen.
"Dare I ask?" queried the Point-Blank Beastie, sweatdropping most
dramatically.
"Nah," the other reassured him. "He’s just drowning his sorrow... He’ll be
doing more of the same once he finds out about that new version of Eva."
"The tentacle porn one? I’m glad that I’m dead already so I don’t have to deal
with him that day that comes out..."
"’Comes out’ is right," grinned the original.
"SEVERED HEEEEAD~~!!" Yuu caterwauled with impressive feeling, so badly
off-key that the computer screen cracked slightly.
"Lay off the hard stuff, compadre!" yelled Wyvern Neo. "We’re taking
structural damage here!"
"I’ll go get him presentable," the PBA[S] Wyvern offered, heading towards the
door.
"Good luck, dead guy. It’s not like anyone else can see you."
"Yeah, well... You keep yourself aboveboard online, other me. Quit looking up
pr0n release dates."
"Hey, you heard about the newest stab at an Urotsukidoji sequel?"
"Unwholesome Curse of the Emergence of Satan’s Somewhat Offensive Personal
Region?" asked the phantom with a smile, only a split second before it slapped
itself smartly across the snout and declared, "I have heard absolutely nothing
about it whatsoever!!"
A steel-fanged grin and a wink. "Sinner."
"Go to hell!" the dead Wyvern blustered before stepping through the closed
door. Snickering nastily, Wyvern Neo sat down and booted up the comp.

***

For the past forty-five minutes or so, Yuusuke had been lying happily on the
floor of the room, boozed to the gills and busily trying to sing every last
X-Japan song that he could remember, making up lyrics for any of the (rather
large) parts that his addled brain refused to recall. "Eeeendless... THING...
fall on my... something something something..."
Due to the extremely high alcohol content of his bloodstream, he kept right on
going even after the Wyvern ripped the adjoining door off of its hinges with
eight huge, spider-like limbs, crumpled it into a tiny ball, and threw it into
one corner with an incoherant psychotic scream. Its horrifically warped body
quickly shrunk back down to its normal appearance as the Dark Beast advanced
and prepared to lunge into Ultimate Rant Mode... but then it noticed that its
audience was nearly comatose and currently employed in a fascinating study of
the ceiling tiles.
"Damn," said the fallen god.
"He’s quite lovely, isn’t he?" asked the flickering manifestation of Nigel,
which hovered in the air over Yuu, looking down at the PShonen.
The Wyvern reached into one pocket, pulled out a quarter, and tossed it at the
demonic vampire with a quick, practiced motion. "Here you go."
Nigel smiled sweetly. "And what am I to buy with your bright, shiny quarter,
beautiful one?"
"Nothing. Jam it sideways up your ass and then leave me alone."
The Lasombra’s expression graduated to a clever little grin. "Would my master
care to watch?"
Rolling its eyes and putting an iron clamp on its patience, the Wyvern said,
"Nigel, I charge you with the mission of finding Saulot himself--"
"Saulot?"
"--And screwing him senseless. Does that sound interesting?"
"...Beloved, Saulot is dead."
"AND SO ARE YOU!" roared the Dark Beast as it concentrated its aura and ripped
the ghost to shreds. Then it knelt down next to its partner and spent the next
several minutes slapping his cheeks and jolting him with the occasinal boost
of unreality, until the schoolboy was finally soujuu-free and slightly dazed.
"Yuu, guess what I found online," the Wyvern began the second that Yuu’s
vision seemed remotely lucid.
"Splah?" asked the second Reissfangzahner.
"Not quite. I found out that a Mario clone was foolish enough to actually
REFER TO ME in an episode of the ImproParty. What shall I do to him to make
him learn?"
"Give him a hangover like I’ve got," Yuu replied as he crawled over to one
corner and ralphed up some takeout chow mein. The floor, which had been
somewhat animated by the Wyvern’s madly churning aura, happily ate the
predigested Chinese and returned a contented burp. "Dammit, BW, the room’s
alive again..."
Ignoring him, the Wyvern sat down on the concrete and tapped its chin in
thought. "No, no, a hangover isn’t quite good enough... Painful and
humiliating, yes, but it doesn’t quite communicate the reason why I am never
to be mentioned..."
"Goddammit, the doorstop just ate my shoelaces... Eh? Teki-chan?"
"Wai?" asked the doorstop, still munching.
"Shit, I think I’m having a nervous breakdown," murmured Yuusuke, unable to
tear his eyes away.
Still quite self-absorbed, the Wyvern finally stood up and stretched its lean
muscles, smiling most evilly. "Ah, I know just the thing..."
"Make the bad things go away before I start putting holes in you," gritted the
suddenly gun-wielding Yuu as the doorstop continued to mutate before his very
eyes.
"No, not that. I’m going to go to the party myself... and show that little
powergamer who’s the [G_O_D] in this federation! Bwahahahahaa!!"

***

It was the ImproParty, and stuff was happening. Stuff that... can’t be easily
described, given the cast size and the fact that I haven’t actually been
keeping up on it recently. But it was out in California, somewhere. And
presumably some people were there catching nookie (if they were lucky), and
some admins were malleting people for being naughty (and possibly
defenestrating one or two), and various persons were being insidious and
vaguely evil, and some people were hanging around getting drunk, and there was
a giant dragon parked on the front lawn (which the authorities had somehow not
noticed even after all this time) and probably people like Elvis and Leonardo
DiCaprio and the Iron Chef wandering about doing whatever they did. Needless
to say, there were a lot of ImproPersons at the ImproParty. But there was no
Black Wyvern of Armorica, and nor was there a Yuusuke or any creature that
could easily be comparable to them. This was a Good Thing, however, since most
of the partiers weren’t quite ready to die yet (except for Woofer-san,
apparently).
However, this changed on the day that the Wyvern arrived for just a short
while to seek [REVENGE] in the name of its reputation as a shamelessly violent
sunuvabitch. And for backup, it brought some of Yuu’s mecha, since all of its
own were long since crispified by the Guardians of Order. But they were there
in spirit... literally.
"If I don’t get to kill at least a dozen humans with my bare hands, I’m
considering this a waste of my time," snarled the spectral Kaze.
"Shut up, Kommissar," sneered Wyvern Neo as it lifted one booted foot and
casually kicked the door in. As per the Nonviolence Coincidental Effect that
permeated the ImproParty, nobody was standing near enough to get brained or
otherwise mauled by the flying piece of wood. Saddened somewhat by this, the
Wyvern walked in and looked around, decked out in its Power Pinstripe fighting
clothes that fit it juuust right.
And at that point, everyone turned to look at the new arrival. Time stood
still, and a feeling of dread seemed to electrify the air. Then, in one
maniacal chorus, all the eligible bachelor ImproGuys in the room yelped,
"BABY, I LOVE YOU!" and all the unattached kawaii ImproLadies in the room
squealed, "WAI! BISHONEN!!" Then, in horrifyingly dramatic slow motion, every
last one of them charged in for The Glomp.
The camera had enough time to catch the glint of despairing horror in the
Wyvern’s eyes before it was utterly obliterated by the stampeding masses. Some
say that the Dark Beast screamed in anguish when it finally went down, while
others say that it faced the gleefully smiling ImproPersons with grim and
stolid silence, which may or may not have been brought about by having several
people attached to its lips at the time. The world will never know.
It took slightly over a minute for the ex-god to drag itself out from under
the forest of ImproFeet, losing itself in the crowd and somehow managing to
escape without causing too much excessive property damage. Staggering up
against a wall, it stopped to gasp for breath and try to regenerate the huge
bruises and fractures that it had sustained while struggling free. Because it
was the proper edged-anime thing to do at the time, it also bent over and
coughed up a thick stream of bright red blood, which included two or three of
its razor-edged steel teeth. 'Damn it all, I’ll inflict the violence on MYSELF
if I have to,' it snarled to itself as it absently chewed off a couple of its
own fingers.
"Hey, there, ‘Vern-chan!" said a cheery voice nearby. "So that’s your gimmick,
huh? Love the new look. I mean, REALLY love the new look." NeoVid gave the
god-beast a thumbs-up as he leered appreciatively.
The Wyvern’s eyes were blood-red as it glared at the Chaos creature through
blackened lids. "Do NOT call me ‘Vern-chan,’ you wretched little fu--" The
next sound was that of the monster fainting facefirst into the heavily-spiked
punchbowl, taking the card table (which was under the punchbowl at the time)
and about half of the entire bar (which was nowhere nearby--just one of those
weird things, I guess) down with it in a sudden cloud of dust and flying
Hi-C/ginger ale.
Still smiling, NeoVid reached down and picked the Wyvern's head up out of the
wreckage. "OK, 'Vern, last thing you said about it was that you weren't gonna
come here. So what's going on?"
It glared at the ignorant Chaos critter again. "The third Mario brother DARED
to mention me. This is a homicidal revenge run."
NeoVid dropped it back into the remains of the table and stood up. "Oh. So...
why are you here? (\/)ajin only appeared once, and never got near Chez
Impro..."
"He what?"
"You haven't been paying attention, have ya?"
The former cosmic being shook splinters out of its hair, and replied in a
dangerously quiet tone. "I got sick of trying to keep track of everyone." At
his reaction, it narrowed its eyes. "What are you staring at? WHAT!?"
"Da- aamn. You tried to keep track of everyone? The writers don't do that."
Somewhere far away, there was a loud rumble and crash, and the sound of an
admin yelling, "You can't keep breaking the Fourth Wall, people!" NeoVid's
disbelief, and dislike of shutting up, kept him talking. "Whoa. I kinda
suspected you were a masochist, but even I didn-"
"SILENCE! If you don't have any idea where to find him, you're just wasting my
time."
NeoVid, predicably, smiled. "There were some people who did see him... lessee,
there was Epsil-"
The Wyvern cracked its knuckles. "Epsilon! He'll be begging to let me know
where (\/)ajin is before too long!" Visions of bloody vengeance running
through its head, the Dark Beast went to the door.
*click*
"WAI! BISHO-"
"BABY, I LO-"
*SLAM*
Bracing its back against the door, it weakly asked, "Any idea how I can find
him and keep them off of me? Vid-sama?"

***

"'S with me, everyone," NeoVid told all the questioners on the way upstairs.
This resulted in a lot of people saying, "Hey, since when does NeoVid get
women?" which were silenced by glares from the Wyvern, or "Ano... since when
does NeoVid get men?" which were probably traumatizing it even more.
The second they were alone in a room, the Wyvern said, "NeoVid... I've had it
with humiliation. You will PAY." and grabbed him by the front of the shirt.
Two seconds afterward, the ex-god was on the floor wondering how it hadn't
noticed a large mallet heading straight for its face. Twoflower pointed down
at it. "And that's only a sample of what you'll get if you try to break the No
Fighting rule again. Keep it up and I'll establish your character as such a
jabroni that pacifists will be lining up to kick your butt!" Lightning
flashed. "Don't try to defy the admins."
After 2f left, the Wyvern pounded its head against the wall in frustration.
"Don't I get to kill ANYTHING? Dammit, I don't care anymore... just tell me,
where. Is. Epsilon!"
NeoVid pointed at a large hole in one wall. "You can get into all sorta of
weird places thanks to these passages in the walls... Epsi should be in the
basement. Probably." From the hole came a faint echo of "Thou shalt not call
me Epsi!"
The Wyvern smiled with an almost NeoVidy level of abnormality. As it looked
into the hole, NeoVid muttered something like "...scared of getting glomped...
what a wuss..."
Since the Dark Beast's looks COULD kill, anyone besides NeoVid who got the one
it gave him would have ended up as red paste at that moment. "Go ahead... Just
keep giving me excuses..."
NeoVid smiled yet again. "Nah. It's not so much fun to make twisted remarks
now. You were hotter before, after all." Vid paused. "...What?"
"...I'm coming back to kill you later. Don't forget it."
"OK. I'll be looking forward to it! Hope you don't run into a Cthonic entity
in there!"

***

There was no Chthonic entity to be found. Instead, the Wyvern had to deal with
things that were far, far worse...
"C'mon, try some squirrel head with ketchup! It's great! I even left the face
on!" Aaron Shattuck said, as Rain held up an unrecognizable red glob skewered
on a coathanger.
After about a quarter-second of careful consideration, the Wyvern performed a
version of its [Breath of the Hive] move, grabbing the squirrel head with a
second, slime-dripping mouth at near-invisible speed. Then it grabbed Aaron by
the front of the shirt and lip-locked him, cramming the squirrel head down his
throat in the process. It followed up with a casual one-handed toss of the
warped little Partier, sending him straight into one of the tunnel walls,
where he started gagging on the nasty little treat, and trying to Heimlich
himself.
The Dark Beast looked languidly back over one shoulder while delicately wiping
the remaining gore onto the back of its hand. "I don't like men who are that
forward, you know. But the fresh rodent head was actually quite touching...
Work on the manners a little bit; maybe someday you'll get lucky."
"Wow! That was cool!" Rain exclaimed.
The Wyvern quirked an eyebrow. "Cool. Right. Why exactly are you two in here?"
"We just thought that it would be fun to go into dank creepy places, so-"
"You see," the Wyvern interrupted, "even though I asked, I don't really CARE.
Just stay out of my way. I have to beat Epsilon to within an inch of his
life," the Wyvern snarled at the two psychos.
With a loud *sput*, the flying squirrel head hit the floor at Aaron's feet.
"...Can we come too?"
"Eh. Why not."

***

"Sir? Siiiiir?" Epsilon's flunky whined as he flapped through the dark
basement. "I know that having a whole lot of light isn't good for the
ambience, but I can't see where..." Blade smacked facefirst into someone.
Someone puny and slender. After hitting the ground headfirst, Blade said to
himself, "All right, that's it..." and flicked on a lighter. Looking up at who
he had run into, he blinkblinked. "Wow. She's hot." Then he noticed Aaron and
Rain. Then he got his wings tied in a square knot.
"Well well. Epsilon's batboy. I'm on the right track." B.W.A. tossed Blade
over its shoulder, and went deeper into the gloom.
Blade, having been caught by Aaron, wasn't going to be doing anything besides
yelling "MOMMY!" for a while.
"EPSILON!! I KNOW YOU'RE DOWN HERE!!" it roared into the dark.
"For once, you're correct," an arrogant voice responded. The light flared up
in an appropriately hellish way. "What do you know," Epsilon went on, "it's
the Penultimate Prude of the Multiverse. I was hoping I'd be lucky enough to
never see you again."
Something shifted in the burning wreckage where the Dark Beast's mind used to
be. "Don't worry. You won't be seeing ANYTHING after I'm done."
Epsilon smirked at it. "You're quite intimidating. Really." Then he noticed
the bigass blades the Wyvern's arms had transformed into. "Uh. I didn't know
you could-"

***

The next few minutes had been filled with nothing except the sound of concrete
and bone being crushed, and Aaron and Rain making suggestions. A little ways
into the process, the ex-god had remembered to get Epsilon to tell it where he
had seen the (\/)ajin. Then it had kept beating the hell out of him for the
fun of it.
Blade, fortunately, had managed to convince the two homicidal wackos that he
didn't have any internal organs, and had gotten away with being wrapped in
electrician's tape. After hiding in a corner and waiting for the three
psychotic maniacs he didn't work for to leave, he cautiously looked into the
room again. "Sir?" he asked nervously.
"Blade," Epsilon began from where he had been pressed into the ceiling, "be uh
good flungky ad call 911. Then come bag ad helb me pull my arm oud of my
nose."

***

Outside, the ground started to buckle. An explosion scattered dirt and broke
windows for two hundred yards around. After the smoke cleared, the Wyvern
could be seen where the twenty feet of rock and soil between the Chez Impro
basement and the outside world had been. "Back outside, and I didn't even have
to go through the..." it surpressed a shudder. "...crowd."
A moment later, its aura, which had been supressed due to its being inside
Chez Impro, let loose and smeared all the people in the house next door on
their walls. Of course, since they were the Evil Neighbors From Hell, no one
noticed or cared. "Now to get that Luigi lookalike... hiding in a castle in
the middle of nowhere is way more intelligent than I thought he'd be, but I'll
still get him." Tearing into the fabric of reality, the Dark Beast pulled open
a ragged portal to... wherever it was (\/)ajin's castle had been. It was never
made clear in his episode, so I can't nail it down here, sorry.
Moments after B.W.A. had gone through to put inhuman amounts of Vengeance down
on (\/)ajin, Aaron Shattuck and Rain clambered out of the tunnel. "Hey... a
mysterious portal to some weird place! Wanna go?"
"Hell yeah!"
"What do you say, Chippy?" the twisted maniac asked the duct tape-wrapped
gnome.
"I say I'm glad I killed all of you when I had the chance."
"Whatever, Chippy." Aaron knocked the gnome's head against the ground to quiet
him down, then they followed after the Wyvern.

***

The portal led to... someplace that wasn't very well described. There
definitely weren't any people living anywhere near (\/)ajin's tower, though.
By the time the freak brothers got there, there was already a shouting match
going on.
"NO ONE MENTIONS ME IN IMPROPARTY AND LIVES!" B.W.A. proclaimed at impossible
volume.
"THINK YOU COULD HAVE _TOLD_ SOMEONE THAT?" boomed out of the tower.
"YOU MERE MORTALS ARE NOT ALLOWED TO SPEAK OF ME!"
"QUIT RIPPING OFF THE KING IN YELLOW, [{JERK}]! JUST BECAUSE I HID MY IDENTITY
BY CALLING MYSELF 'WYVERN' ONCE D-"
The Wyvern actually managed to outyell the tower's soundsystem. "You...
PRETENDED TO BE ME? And RIPPED OFF MY CURLY BRACKETS!??! THAT'S [IT]!
SURRENDER AND FACE MY WRATH!!!"
Aaron and Rain looked at each other.
The lifelike-looking PBA[S] Wyvern snickered. "Gonna put that line in your
manifesto? It's supposed to go 'surrender OR face my wrath'."
The formerly- Black- but- now- of- indeterminate- nationality- and- gender
Wyvern shot its almost-counterpart a Look. "I don't want to waste time on you
right now, dumbass. I'm THIS CLOSE to wreaking unspeakable revenge..."
Rain tapped it on the shoulder, and didn't end up losing a hand. "Who are you
talking to?"
It spun to face the maniac. "THE DEAD OTHER ME, DAMMIT!"
Rain turned around and smacked Aaron. "See, told you!"
The Guyvern shook its head, which was still on its shoulders for the moment.
"I didn't think it was possible, but you really did get dumber after you
snapped."
B.W.A. just sneered, "Keori's twice the man you are."
"Y- da- g- ...f-" was the eloquent reply.
The Wyvern smiled nastily. "I've been saving that one for days."
"HELLO? ANYONE STILL PAYING ATTENTION HERE?"
"Oh, right." The Wyvern took a deep breath. "I'M COMING AFTER YOU, (\/)AJIN
MARIO!"
"GO AHEAD AND TRY, YOU FORMERLY SLITHERY WEENIE!" The doors to the tower
slowly creaked open. Rain, not being the type to think ahead, cheerfully went
inside.
After watching Rain step in a bear trap and be held down long enough for a
stone pillar to fall on him, the Wyvern decided, "I'll have to do this the
easy way... Shattuck, you go in next."
Aaron stuck his head in the doorway. At that moment, a boulder rolled down the
stairs and exploded after hitting Rain, who was still face down on the carpet.
"Ow," Rain said, appropriately enough.
"Uhh..." something that very closely resembled common sense took control of
Aaron's mind, before dying horribly. "...make me."

***

Miles away, one of the local residents pointed, and shouted to a friend, "Wow!
Look at that thing!" He had said 'thing' due to the fact that his language
didn't have a term for 'mushroom cloud'.

***

"Idiot. *sigh* If you want something done right..." the Dark Beast said to
itself. Incidentally stepping on Rain's back, it started on its way up the
tower.

***

Second Floor: As the Wyvern crossed the main room, a bucket full of gasoline
dropped from the ceiling onto its head. After it threw the bucket off, a
spring-loaded section of floor threw B.W.A. into a fireplace.

***

Third Floor: This floor turned out to be one large bridge over a huge pool.
The instant the Wyvern stepped onto the bridge, it dropped straight into the
water, taking the Wyvern with it. It then discovered there just happened to be
a lightning rod in the pool.

***

Fourth Floor: Since there were pits all over the ground, the Wyvern watched
carefully for boobytrapped floors. Because it was watching the ground, it
failed to notice a section of wall that was moving... at least until it had
jumped out and shoved B.W.A. into one of the holes. Seeing red, the Dark Beast
clambered out of the pit.
Then a giant iron ball fell on it.

***

Fifth Floor: It had caught on. Staying away from the walls, and managing to
watch the floor and ceiling at once, it got to the door to Floor Six without
being hit with anything horrible.
When it sighed and started to turn the knob, a buzzsaw shot out of the wall,
hit it in the side and sent it flying. It landed on a spring floor, which
launched it into a corner. Inevitably, as it pulled itself to its feet, a
giant iron ball fell on it.

***

Sixth Floor: It went straight across the room this time, knowing it had better
be ready for anything. A section of wall ground out... and the Wyvern caught
it with its bare hands.
Because of that, it wasn't able to do anything about the giant hammer swinging
down from the ceiling, and ended up being hurled into a fountain. Which had a
lightning rod in it. As the Wyvern was being fried, guess what?
A giant iron ball fell on it.

***
Final Floor: The door to (\/)ajin's room was smashed open by a burning
boulder. The Wyvern, raging, threw the remains of a pendulum and guillotine in
after it. "(\/)ajin! Show your damn face so I can shove it up yo-"
(\/)ajin's laugh echoed, in a pretty impressive bit of theatrics. "So you got
this far. Now do you really think you can find me?"
B.W.A. swept its glare across the room. "Gee, I don't know, maybe you're
behind the suspicious-looking curtain?"
"...um... no! I'm not!"
"Right." The Wyvern ripped the curtain off its track. The
(\/)ajin was sitting at a console with his back to the room.
"Uh... that's not really me..." (\/)ajin said as the Wyvern spun his chair
around, suddenly-appearing claws at the ready. It froze and twitched once at
seeing the note taped to the decoy (\/)ajin's face: "'Vern-chan, you sucker, I
said this wasn't really me. Even I'm not dumb enough to stay here while you're
out to get me. Try and find me now. Nyah nyah nyah nyah nyah nyah nyah nyah.
-ex animo,
-the (\/)ajin

PS: You're toast"

The note ignited in the Dark Beast's hand. Then it noticed how wobbly the
tower had become all of a sudden.

***

Under several hundred tons of rubble, the Wyvern reaffirmed its resolve.
"(\/)ajin, I will have my bloody, grisly revenge for this... if I ever wake
up..."

It didn't dig itself out for a month.


____________________________________________

(one) Author's notes: Well, the first ever ImproParty omake... I now know why
there aren't any others. If the queue was still open this could be an actual
episode. OK, if you're wondering how this whole thing came about, BWA had an
omake idea, and only time to do half of it. Then Bwah let me see it, and I
suddenly got a flood of ideas for the second half. I asked, and it turned out
I could finish it myself if I wanted... it's just not the official version.
The amount of fun I had with this took me by surprise. And yes, many people
were OOC... but so was NeoVid. And it's a CHIBI OMAKE!
So plot and characterization are DOUBLY meaningless! BTW, the ideas for the
boobytrapped tower came from Deception 3... evilly fun game!

I guess you might have C&C... I'm still at neovid@hotmail.com.
_____________________________________________


WYVERN NEO: Author Wyvern...what did you just write me in as doing?
AUTHOR WYVERN: ...Nothing.
WYVERN NEO: Better tell me now, gemstone...or I will SHOOT THIS BUNNY!! {pulls
out an animated South Park bunny and an M-16}
AUTHOR WYVERN: Um... you Frenched a depraved lunatic.
WYVERN NEO: ...Did it involve any dead animal parts, perchance?
AUTHOR WYVERN: Yeah. Squirrel head on a stick.
WYVERN NEO: Eh. He lacks class. ;P Tell me when he works his way up to a pile
of snake entrails on a bed of parsley.
AUTHOR WYVERN: Will do. XP