[Valdez, Alaska] 

A brown sedan skidded across the rain-slicked lot at the Valdez Port
Authority.  A figure in a black leather trenchcoat and a gray fedora stepped
from the car and entered a small building near the edge of the lot after
carefully removing a briefcase from the trunk of the car.  

A second man, similarly dressed, was waiting inside.  Looking up, he studied
the newcomer carefully.  "Would you like to inspect the merchandise?" he
asked the first man, in thickly accented English.  

The first man shook his head.  "No, I took a look at it on the way in.  I'm
quite impressed." 

The second man beamed widely.  "Thank you, thank you.  We pride ourselves
on...  unique wares for our customers.  And you must agree, the price is more
than reasonable, no?" 

"Certainly, it is.  Will you take a check?" 

"I will need to see some ID." 

The first figure frowned.  "Very well.  I have cash."  He placed the briefcase
on the table.  

The second man stood and smiled, extending his arm to shake hands with the
other.  "Eet is good to do business with you, Comrade." 

- = - 

Improfanfic Party, part 4 
"The More, The Merrier, no da." 
by Ravi Duvvuri 
started by W4 

- = - 

[San Diego -- Chez Impro] 

Roe, NeoVid, Stephica, and Lusipher looked down at the unconscious forms of
Anko and W4.  Roe dusted his hands and smiled.  

"Well, that takes care of that." Turning to NeoVid, he continued, "You up for
a quick game of Rival Schools?" 

NeoVid shook his head.  "Do I look like an idiot? Make it King of Fighters
and you've got a deal." 

The two rushed off, arguing as to who got first controller.  

Lusipher looked up at Stephica.  "I'll get it," he told her.  

Stephica answered by raising a single eyebrow.  

The doorbell rang.  

"Don't ask," Lusipher preempted, already halfway out the door.  

"I...  won't," Stephica muttered.  Deciding to freshen up a bit, she made her
way to the bathroom.  Noticing a slight draft, she looked up to see a hole in
the ceiling.  "What the he--" she started, as she realized she was standing
on something rather softer than the expected tile.  

Stepping off the prone male figure on the floor, Stephica knelt at his side,
checking to make sure he was all right.  

"Hey, wake up!" she shouted, as she slapped him repeatedly in the face.  

He sputtered and sat up.  "Buh?" he asked groggily.  Shaking his head, he
slowly stood up, leaning against the counter for support.  "I'm Damien Roc.
Where am I?" 

Stephica chuckled slightly and answered, "You're at the Impro Party.  How
exactly did you get here?" 

"I haven't the foggiest idea," he answered before promptly passing out.  

- = - 

[San Diego -- somewhere] 

Omi looked out the window, allowing herself to frown slightly.  Turning to
face the chauffeur, she asked, "You do know where you're going, right?" 

The bishounen blinked cutely, smiled brightly, and shook his head.  

"Oh great.  Hey Cal, I thought you told him where to go?" Delfina said.  

Calculus shrugged.  "Hey, how'm I supposed to know?  It's not like I drive or
anything.  Besides, I'm sure it's just right up the road." 

"Let's stop and get directions, then," Omi suggested.  

Twoflower nixed that idea.  "No, we'll get there...  It's just a little
further." 

Delfina and Omi groaned in unison.  "Shall I?" Delfina asked Omi.  

"Be my guest," Omi replied graciously.  

"BAKA!" exclaimed Delfina as she malleted most furiously.  

For their part, Todd and Dan just kept quiet.  

Omi tapped the driver on the shoulder.  "Pull over at the next gas station,
okay?" 

- = - 

[Chez Impro]

Lusipher paused in front of the door, peering out the spyhole.  Satisfied
that the people outside weren't actually alien facehuggers in disguise, he
swung the door open.  

"Hiiii!" exclaimed the black-haired girl waiting on the front porch.  Leaning
against her, rambling incoherently, was a tall, heavyset guy.  

"Hsien-Ko! Glad you could make it," Lusipher greeted her.  "Ummm, is that
Nick?" 

"I think so.  He was wandering in circles out in the front yard, talking to
himself." 

Nick looked up into Lusipher's face.  "Zweee bop ziboww?" 

"Sweet merciful crap, he's speaking in Dylanese.  Let's get him over to the
couch," Lusipher said, as he tried to drag Nick into the living room.
"Could, uh, someone give me a hand here?" 

- = - 

[The Mall] 

The shopping mall was large.  The shopping mall was trendy.  The shopping mall
was...  full of senior citizens.  

But our intrepid shoppers were not phased in the slightest by this, instead
marveling at the large selection (and exorbitant prices) only available at
large shopping facilities.  

"Wai! Wai! Wai!" exclaimed Omi as she dragged Delfina and Twoflower behind
her.  Todd and Dan shrugged and followed the receding trio, all oblivious to
Calculus sneaking off behind them.  

- = - 

[Chez Impro] 

Anko slowly drifted into consciousness, the smell of cherries curiously
strong.  Grudgingly opening his eyes, he found Stephica kneeling beside him.
He tried in vain to bring his hands around in front of him.  Snapping awake,
he realized that Steph was busily tying W4, Damien, and himself together.  

With red rope licorice.  

"Gyah!" he exclaimed.  "What do you think you're doing?" 

His shouting awoke Damien and W4, who both began tugging at their bonds.  

Stephica stood up, and pouted cutely (causing W4 to pass out again).  "Oh
darn.  I was hoping to surprise you.  Oh well." And with that she strutted out
of the room, in search of entertainment of the Roe variety.  

Anko shook his head sadly.  "So what do we do now?" 

Damien sighed.  "First, we wake Woofer.  Then, we eat our way to freedom." 

- = - 

[The Mall] 

The group stood in the middle of the mall, staring at the map.  

"So where do we go first?" asked Dan, who was really hoping he'd have a
chance to hit Electronics Boutique while they were there.  Unfortunately, it
didn't seem likely.  

They were interrupted when a pair of mall cops tapped Delfina on the
shoulder.  "Excuse me, Miss." 

Delfina turned to face the cops, nearly whacking one in the face with her
mallet.  "Yes, Officer?" she answered politely.  

"I'm afraid we're going to have to ask you and your friends to leave.  You
are...  frightening the other mall patrons." 

"S- sonna!" exclaimed Delfina.  

"Huh?" asked the second cop.  

"I mean, no way!" Delfina corrected herself.  

The first cop nodded slowly, and gestured to the exit.  "I'm sorry, but the
rules are the rules." 

Dejected, the party made its way outside, heading for the limo.  Calculus slipped
in behind them, furtively clutching a package behind his back.  

"You know, Del," Twoflower said, breaking the silence.  "You probably should
have changed before we came here.  The Skuld costume _is_ a bit much." 

Delfina sighed.  "I forgot.  You know, it would be awfully convenient if I
could just change outfits by shouting out 'DEL-CHAN KAWAII HENSHIN
THINGAMAJIGGY!' or something, and-" 

Delfina stopped in mid-sentence, her jaw dropping in surprise as a trail of
lavender sparkles issued from her fingertips.  A breeze suddenly sprung up
and started carrying them about her, until she was surrounded by a whirlwind
of lavender light.  With a flash, the lavender dust turned into kawaii
mini-mallets and swept about her with increasing rapidity.  Twoflower tried
to peek into the maelstrom to see what was happening, and was promptly
bonked by a dozen mallets.  

Then, as quickly as it started, the mallets disappeared and Delfina was
revealed once more, standing in a pink dress with a red vest.  

Omi was the first to react.  "Del-chan, that was _SO_ cool!" 

- = - 

[Chez Impro]

Eric and Aaron stood on the deck, looking out at the beachfront.  Behind them
was erected a wall of speakers, and all around them were various implements
of sonic mayhem.  In front, was their adoring audience.  

Only one thing was missing...  

"What's up, boys?" Steph asked, as she stepped out through the sliding door.

Eric and Aaron looked up and replied in unison, "No singer." 

"They all went shopping," added NeoVid.  

"You know," Chris said, "what would make this a proper party?" 

"Um, no.  What?" asked Roe.  

"Karaoke.  Karaoke, and sushi." 

Roe sweatdropped, but there were general murmurs of agreement from the
unruly mob.  Eric and Aaron looked at each other and shrugged.  

"So how do we hook it up?" asked an undetermined someone.  

At once, every male within a ten meter radius was converging upon the
speaker stack, offering advice on where to plug what in.  Violent action
seemed eminent, when...  

"Ta-da!" Hsien-ko announced, swinging the microphone in a small circle.  "So
who's first?" 

- = - 

Stephica lowered the mic amid great applause after her rendition of "Gold
Dust Woman" (the Fleetwood Mac version, of course).  Smiling widely, she
handed it over to Aaron, who hadn't revealed what he was going to sing.

Stephica gave Roe a Look, and was about to go torment him, when the house 
was blanketed in darkness.

"What the hell?!"

Everyone simultaneously looked up to see the sun blocked out by what
appeared to be a floating island of... ice?  The minor eclipse passed, and
the island revealed itself to be a huge chunk of ice being carried by cargo
helicopters, which lowered the iceberg to the sand a short distance away.

While most everyone sat and stared, Roe, W4, and Lusipher took off down the
beach, hoping to find out who was responsible.

As they got closer, they caught sight of an Indian guy watching one of the
helicopters slowly lower a car next to the iceberg.  Turning around, he
waved.

"Heya guys!" Ravi greeted them.

Slightly out of breath, W4 asked the question they all wanted to.  "What the
hell is that?"

Ravi looked puzzled.  "I said I was bringing the ice... didn't Lus pass on
my message?"

Lusipher laughed nervously.  "Heh.  I guess I forgot.  But I didn't think
you'd be bringing... _this_."

Ravi glanced over his shoulder and nodded.  "Yep.  I got a deal that was too
good to pass up.  This is the actual iceberg that sunk the Titanic!"

"You have got to be kidding," said Roe.

"Nope," answered Ravi.  "I got it on Ebay.  I got a certificate of
authenticity and all!"

Roe, W4, and Lusipher all sweatdropped.  "Ummm... so how much did you get it
for, or do I not want to know?" asked W4.

"You know how people start no reserve auctions at one dollar?  Well, I was
the only one to bid on it.  And the seller had some real hangup about
negative feedback.  So, I got it for one dollar, and he even threw in 
shipping!" Ravi explained.  "Although, I had to convert it to lira, first."

"Well, welcome to the Party, then," Roe clapped Ravi on the back.

"Yep.  Here, could you give me a hand?  I want to get some of this ice back
so I can mix up some daiquiris."  Ravi pulled a mini-Prog Knife from his 
backpack and began slicing off chunks of ice.  

"And what, exactly, is that?" W4 asked, pointing at the glowing blade.  

"It's a Prog Knife.  I got at the army surplus store," answered Ravi.  

"Need I remind you of Rule Number 2?" W4 said, with a nervous twitch of his
eye.  

"Which one?" 

"Guests are restricted to Nerf weapons," Roe told him.  

"I thought you said _NERV_ weapons.  My mistake." Ravi shrugged.  

"Nerf weapons.  _Nerf_.  Nerf or nothing," Roe corrected.  

"You do know what this means, don't you, Ravi?" W4 asked threateningly.  

"Hey, it was an honest mistake! Here, I'll put it away, and we'll never see
it again, okay?" Ravi popped open the trunk and tossed the blade into the
dark recesses.  W4 nodded, and he and Lusipher picked up a chunk of ice and
started carrying it back to the house.

Roe shook his head sadly.  "I'm afraid that's not good enough." 

"Ummm...  hold on, then," Ravi said, as he rummaged through his trunk.
"Here!" he exclaimed as he pressed a package into Roe's hands.  

Roe carefully studied the package of Puu-shaped marshmallows and smiled.
"It's a start.  Tell you what, I'll just open up NilSpace, and tell you
when."

Ravi sweatdropped.  "You're the boss, Boss."

- = - 

Again, the doorbell rang, and W4 opened the door.  "H-" 

"IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT YOU THINK!" Jake shouted at him.  

W4 slammed the door shut, locking it behind him.  Looking up, he saw everyone
staring at him.  "Insurance salesman," he managed to mumble before wandering
off in search of a glass of water.  

NeoVid looked up from the songlist, to peek out the window.  Seeing it was
Jake, he unlocked and opened the door.  "What the hell was that about?" 

Jake merely shrugged in response.  

"Here," NeoVid said, pressing the microphone into Jake's hands.  "You're up."

Jake sweatdropped.  

- = - 

The limo pulled up in front of the house, and the mall refugees filed in the
front door (although Omi stopped to chain the bishounen to a post out
front).  Inside, they were greeted by the party-goers who had stayed behind, 
and the new arrivals.

Delfina started toward the kitchen, but paused in front of the mirror.
Studying herself carefully, she smoothed out her dress.  Marvelling at her
new-found ability, she did a slight pirouette, and was annoyed to find her 
reflection refusing to do so as well.

Leaning in closer to inspect the mirror, Delfina was surprised to find her
reflection falling out on top of her.  She scrambled back in surprise,
instinctively forming a mallet from her Aura of Kawaii, and shrieked as she
Pounded the girl in front of her.

Ardweden scowled as she stood up, and tried to look as menacing as she could
after being chibified by Delfina's aura mallet.

"Delfi, that _hurt_!" she exclaimed as she formed her aura lute and brought 
it down solidly on Delfina's skull.

"Oooouch!" Chibi-Delfina cried, tears running down her face.  "I want ice
cream!" 

Ardweden joined her in crying, the volume drowning out Ravi's rendition of
The Moon Seven Times' "Her House" (which, the audience would agree, was for
the best). 

The sliding door slammed open, and Ravi stomped over and stared at the
bawling Chibi Twins, sprawled out on the floor in a tangle.

"Two Dels?  Isn't one enough?" Ravi asked.  The gathering crowd of party-
goers behind him nodded their agreement.

Delfina scowled and gestured menacingly with the Mallet of Doom (tm).

"You shouldn't try to mallet me, Del.  My grandmother malleted me once.
ONCE," Ravi warned Delfina.  "Besides, _I've_ got the ice cream."  He held
out a five-gallon tub of Edy's Cookie Dough, which was promptly snatched by
Delfina and Ardweden, who then began fighting over who got the first
spoonful.

- = - 

W4 finally wandered downstairs after taking a megadose of Tylenol and
repeating "There's no place like home" two-hundred-thirty-five times.
Noticing the new faces, he hailed them in customary fashion.

"G'morning, everyone," he greeted them.  Noticing a particular person was 
present, he exclaimed "Omi!" 

Omi looked up from browsing the cd collection.  "Woofer!" 

"SHINYPANTS!" 

"No." 

"Please?" 

"No!" 

"Please?" 

"No!" 

"Please?" 

*wham*

"No." 

"Mmph." 

"I don't even _own_ a pair of shiny pants, okay?" Omi retorted.  Pausing for
a moment, she helped the chibified W4 up to his feet.  

W4 glared at Delfina (whom he hadn't quite noticed before, but was now
seeing in stereo), and then turned back to Omi. "That's okay, I got some for
you." 

He snapped his fingers (as well as one could while forcefully super-deformed), 
and in one fluid motion caught the bag that Calculus tossed to him and pulled 
out a pair of gold shinypants. 

Omi thought about it for a moment, opened her mouth as if to answer, and
then thought about it a little while longer.  Finally, she replied "I'll
consider it, but only if you wear them first.  AND.." she trailed off,
whispering the rest into his ear.  

W4 blushed.  "You can't be serious?" 

Omi nodded.  

"I'll...  think about it, then.  Hey Del-chan, could you undo this, please?" 

- = - 

Roe strode purposefully out onto the beach, a small metallic can in one
hand, a largish package in the other.  Passing a small group of volleyball
players, he was himself passed by Eric and Aaron running towards the
iceberg, snowboards tucked under their arms.  

Stopping at a conveniently located pile of driftwood, he emptied out the
bottle of lighter fluid and lit up a match.  Dropping the match onto the
wood, he was rewarded with an eyebrow-singeing rush of flames.  

Pulling a perfectly-shaped stick from FurnitureSpace (the housewares
department, naturally), Roe grabbed one of the coconut-sized Puu
marshmallows out of the bag and loaded it on.  Grinning, he lowered it into
the flames, reveling in the gradual charring of the fluffy, white flesh.  

"TWOFLOWER FLAMING DEATH RETRIBUTION SPIKE!" came a cry from the beach.  

Roe looked up to see some of the Party guests playing volleyball with the
locals, and scaring them only slightly.  Roe whistled in awe as Eslington
actually blocked Stefan's wicked spike, and returned it for the score.  

Briefly distracted by the sight of Stephica in a bikini, Roe remembered his
marshmallow far too late to save it.  

"Damn." He reached into the bag to pull out another.  

- = - 

Ravi flicked on the basement light, peering into the cellar in search of a
corkscrew.  "Damn that Roe," he mumbled.  "He said it was down here
somewhere..."

Suddenly, he heard the door slam shut and felt a cloth pressed to his mouth.
His vision slowly faded out...

When he came to, he found himself in a chair.  A very nice chair, a comfy
chair, even.  So comfy that he couldn't even think of escaping.  There was a 
single light focused on him, keeping him from making out the details of the 
figure standing just behind it.

"Who are you?" Ravi demanded.

"That is of no concern," replied the man, stepping to the side and revealing
that he was cloaked in an all-concealing robe.  "Prepare yourself... for the
Impro Inquisition!"

Ravi could have sworn he heard lightning crash in the background.

"Mention Monty Python, and I will be forced to break your fingers," the
cloaked figure added.

"Well, okay.  But I do have to say, I wasn't expecting the Impro
Inquisition," Ravi unintentionally quipped.

*snap* 

"Ow!" Pause.  "Hey wait, that didn't hurt." 

"Yeah, I know.  I can't bring myself to actually do it, so just pretend these
carrots are your fingers, okay?" the cloaked figure requested, as he broke
another in half.  

"Sure.  Oh, OW!  The AGONY!  The PAIN!  Please, stop!  I'll do anything!" 
Ravi shrieked.  "Um, is that better?" 

"Yep." 

"Don't take this the wrong way, but an Inquisition with only one person?
That's kinda lame, you know?" 

"Hey, we have to start somewhere..." 

"Can I sign up?" 

"I don't know.  What are your qualifications?" 

"My Powers are Beyond Your Understanding." 

"And?" 

"Umm... I make a devastating pad thai?"

"Sold.  Welcome to the Inquisition," the cloaked figure said, pulling back
the hood to reveal his identity.

"Chris?  Why am I not surprised?" Ravi chuckled to himself.

"No, no, no.  When I am in traditional garb, you are to refer to me as High
Commander Torquemada."

"Coo'.  Where's my robe?" Ravi asked.  

"Turn around," Chris commanded.

Ravi did so, and Chris reached into his box of goodies.  Pulling out a robe,
he draped it over Ravi's shoulder.

Ravi held the robe out at arms' length and studied it appraisingly.  "Oh, 
while I remember, here is my Trump," Ravi said, pulling a card out of his 
pocket.  "You can use it to contact me, in times of need.  Anyway, I gotta 
get going.  They're going to wonder why it's taken twenty minutes to find a
damn corkscrew."

- = -

Nick looked at the bottle in his hand and reread the label for the seventh
time -- "307 Ale".  Ravi had given it to him, and insisted he give it a try.
Said something about being a mighty potent potable.

He twisted off the cap, and took a tentative sip.  He bolted upright as the
strange brew shot him right past drunkenness straight into sobriety.

With a renewed sense of reality, Nick decided to search out those pesky
fire trucks that were making such a racket.  Narrowing it down to the
upstairs bedrooms, Nick trudged up the stairs and listened again,
determining which room the noise was coming from.  

He stood in front of the door and gathered his resolve.  After a second sip,
Nick threw open the door and stumbled into the room.

"Hey, I'm naked in here!" came a startled voice.


FIN (chapter 4)

- = - 
Summary

New Arrivals:  

Damien Roc, NickM, Hsien-Ko, Ravi, Jake, Ardweden

Current Locations:

[Chez Impro]
Anko 
Ardweden
Calculus
Chris
Damien Roc
Dan
Delfina
Eslington
Hsien-Ko
Lawrence
NeoVid
Nick
Omi
Ravi
Roe
Stephica
Todd
Twoflower
W4

[iceberg]
Aaron
Eric

- = -

AUTHOR'S NOTES:
[or, In Which Ravi Makes _NO_ Apologies]

Thanks to everyone who looked over this chapter, made suggestions, or was 
otherwise helpful, especially Delfina, Chris, and Todd.  If I wasn't able to
work a scene that you wanted in, I'll pass them on to Chris and see if he
can work them in.

And so ends the first Impro of this week of Hell.

If anyone is interested, I might be able to provide an mp3 of "Her House".  
It really is a nifty song.

-r