Improfanfic party Started by W4 Part 9 Things to do in Sweden when you're nuts By Jonatan Streith, living proof that you CAN survive on only Coke and chili nuts Scene guiders courtesy of the X-Files Background music courtesy of the Cereal Killer Symphony Kabuki lawyers courtesy of David Menendez Ixupi courtesy of Xibalba, Guardian of the Portal to the Underworld Names have not been altered to protect the innocent. Do Not Trust The Giant Chicken. --------------------------------------------------------------------------- Several weeks ago, early afternoon Skovde College of Computer Science, Sweden Room E214, computer lab ----- Jonatan was desperate. Jonatan was livid. Jonatan was... trying to finish up an extremely late report. The droning teacher hanging over his shoulder didn't help any. "Excuse me, but this room is booked," the annoying man said. "You have to leave so that someone else can use the computer." Jonatan glared up at the nasal man. "I AM in this class. I have every right to be here." "Please, you must leave," the teacher said, clearly not having heard him at all. "We don't have enough computers to suit more than the ones in this class." He frowned. "I'll call security..." [Whoop-de-freakin'-joy,] Jonatan thought. [This is just prime...] He quickly assumed a look of shocked surprise and pointed at the window behind the man. "My GOD! Someone's trying to haul one of the computers out the window!" The change was obvious on the mild-mannered but delusional little man. Turning around with a demon-head face worthy of Soun Tendo, he proceeded to chew out the perpetrators... "You inbred thieving little bastards, how dare you--" *KICK!* "AAAAAAAAHHH!" *THUMP* Having temporarily gotten rid of the annoyance (he had no doubts that the man would soon be up again), Jonatan turned back to his work. In short order, the report was finished and printed out. He was just about to log off when it hit him... he hadn't visited the Improfanfic homepage today. While it loaded up, a HUGE hand tapped him on the shoulder. Turning his head, Jonatan looked up at a HUGE man clad in simple clothes, his blonde hair cut into a simple crewcut. "Did you just kick the teacher out the window?" Jonatan grinned widely, flashing two rows of sharp teeth. "Why, yes I did." The HUGE Swede nodded in a Yarslov-like fashion. "Cool. That's cool." He then lumbered off to another computer. "Now what was I thinking of, before I was interrupted?" Jonatan asked out loud, as insane people are wont to do. "Lunch? Hmm... pizza..." He noticed the screen in front of him. "D'oh! Hmm... what, no new fanfics today? Shame, shame... wonder what's up on the 'board? Maybe they're having another flamewar... I do so enjoy watching people make fools of themselves." A few clicks later, the message board appeared before him, the messy and unorderly threads reminding him why he usually avoided the place. However, like ants to sugar, like Pokémaniacs to colorful cards, like Kenneth Starr to scandals, there was something drawing him here, pulling his attention across n/t threads, across unjustified flames, to one very SPECIAL thread... The word "PARTY" stood out like a sore thumb, its meaning burnt into his mind (along with the letters JS, which some bozo had left there last time he had a lobotomy). He clicked on the link, and absorbed the words appearing before him like a dry sponge. "A party. A HUGE party. For all the Impro people. For all the COOL people at Impro. And also Epsilon." He rose from the rickety chair he sat on, and struck a pose. The light in the room dimmed, a pillar of iridecent light descended on Jonatan, and an angelic choir began singing in the background. The other people in the room, being used to his antics, didn't even look up. "YES! On my honor as a writer, and as one of the Semi-Divinities of Improfanfic (official!) I swear that I will attend this party!" Thunder crashed outside, smiting a small group of blue-clad Economics. And there was much rejoicing. Yaay. The lightshow ended, and normal illumination returned to the room (much to the relief of the other students). Jonatan continued to read the message. "Cool, they've included an invitation list! I wonder who else is invited..." He read through the list. Then he read through the list again. And again. And again. His smile fell. Jonatan fumed, threatening to set off the fire alarms. "They didn't invite *ME*? They've invited everyone who's ever dropped by Impro for a microscopic part, but they didn't invite... me?" A look of depression played over his face, but as he leapt to his feet, it was replaced with a maniacal grin. "Their loss! I've sworn to attend this party, and I WILL!" Another thunderstrike echoed outside. He quickly grabed his trusty labcoat off the back of the chair, and as he strode towards the door, he turned and flashed a smile at his classmates. "See ya, guys and girls... I'm off to a party. Back in a few weeks or so!" He ran off down the stairs, muttering about "preparations" and "cool stuff" as he trampled a few unfortunate students barring his way. Back in the computer lab, the crewcutted student stared after the departured maniac. He turned to the girl sitting next to him. "Is it just me, or did he..." The girl shrugged. "He's said repeatedly that he's nuts... guess this just confirms it." She stared at the monitor in front of her. "I wonder what this 'party' is, though..." "Yes. I know one thing, though... there will be Coke there." The girl proceeded to give him a "you're weird" look. * * * A few days later, 11:00 Lindesberg Stables and Hatchery Main office The girl put down the report she had been reading and locked her gaze on the bandanna'ed visitor. "No." Jonatan sighed in exasperation. "Please? I need it! I mean, how else am I supposed to cross the entire ATLANTIC?!" He looked at the woman pleadingly. "Gee, I dunno." She pushed a lock of blue hair out of her face. "Why don't you get a boat?" "Oh, PLEASE." The young man rolled his eyes. "And when I reach the coast, then what am I going to do? I need something that gets me there fast." The odd-haired girl leaned forward over the desk. "Let me level things with you, kid. It's high mating season right now. And we'll need as many healthy hatchlings as possible, or we'll be bankrupt before the end of the year." He shook his head. "No you won't. All outstanding loans are paid, all the equipment belongs to the company, and you can always catch some wild ones if you need." The girl bit her lip in annoyance. "Well yeah, but we still need to make a profit..." Jonatan grinned and did his best Xelloss impression. "Tell you what... you let me have one of your older ones, ANYONE at all... and I won't set you up with any more blind dates." The girl blinked twice, and replied "Deal!" very rapidly. Jonatan promptly grabbed her in a crushing hug. "Thanks, sis." * * * Tuesday morning Somewhere in Texas Rocket Town^H^H^HJust outside Texas A&M Yun looked up at the HUGE cannon and swallowed slightly. "Are you sure about this, Neon?" Neon no Kishi rolled his eyes (and got a double six! Yaay!). "Relax, Yun. It's aimed and charged and everything. I've calculated your landing spot to the inch." Give or take ten feet, Neon added to himself. "What could go wrong?" *OMINOUS FORESHADOWING* Yun continued to ponder the cannon. Just an hour ago he had found out that the Impro community were holding a party in California, and hadn't invited him. True to his Cajun nature, he wasn't about to be stopped by such pesky details, and decided to crash it instead. Unfortunately, he mentioned this to his engineering student friend and roommate Neon no Kishi. Upon hearing this, Neon had excitedly offered to help, and proceeded to lead Yun through a confusing trail across, over and around campus, until they had ended up... here. In a small lot somewhere right outside of the university, containing a HUGE cannon. You learn something new everyday. Snapping out of the recap, he realized that Neon was saying something. "What?" "I said, you have to go now before the wind changes." "Right." Yun looked ahead. "I'll go." "Great!" Neon said. "Got your guitar?" Yun gripped tightly around his guitar. "Check." "Got the keg o' gumbo?" He tightened the straps holding the keg in place. "Check." He then climbed the handholds leading to the nozzle of the cannon, all the while muttering "I sure hope this party will be worth it..." Hearing a slight thump as Yun reached the bottom of the cannon, Neon grinned. "Well, here goes nothing! FORE!" He pulled the lever, and with a loud BOOM, Yun shot off high into the air. "MANSE!!!" * * * Tuesday afternoon The alien spaceship hovering over the Bermuda Triangle Captain's quarters Jonatan sipped his tea carefully. "So, Captain... is my offer satisfactory?" The alien captain, who looked remarkably like the late Jim Morrison, hair, glasses and clothes all, shook the small items in his cupped hand carefully. "Well now. You're saying you want to loan one of the E-series subjects for an indeterminable time..." Jonatan nodded. Jim Morrison nodded slightly in response. "...and in exchange you will give us..." he held up the items, "...these shiny glass beads?" Jonatan nodded again. "I see." Jim Morrison took a sip from his own teacup. "Well, it seems that we have an agreement then." He pushed the guitar-shaped pin on his tie-dyed shirt. "Number one, take subject E-36201 out of cryostasis and send him to the launchpad." Jonatan smiled as he rose from the chair. "You have made an excellent decision, Captain. And while I still have some time..." He reached into his coat and took out a small notepad. "...can I get your autograph?" * * * Several days and pitstops later, a few hours before lunchtime The ImproParty Beach House (tm) The basement/torture chamber "AHAHAHAAHAAAA! At last, we will have an Author Avatar as a servant of the Impro Inquisition!" "Lemme get this straight," said NeoVid, who was in extreme smug mode, with his shirt now reading 'You can't have fun without F U!' "I'm unkillable and ridiculously powerful, and you're trying to intimidate me into working for you?" "...Um, basically, yes. Is it working?" High Commander Torquemada (mentioned in hushed whispers, in secret, lonely places, to be Chris Nichols) peered at the captive avatar, and tried not to look annoyed over the fact that his Sub-Commander was STILL out looking for a spatula. NeoVid grunted and shrugged (TM Itami Daikoku). "I've got nothing better to do." "SUCCESS!!" * * * Meanwhile, at the Fort of Despair^H^H^HEpsilon's house... "I don't think this is a good idea..." Blade complained. "Pshah! It's my greatest plan yet! Unseen, I will be able to infiltrate those goody-two-shoes writers' party, and destroy the very CORE of good and fun fanfiction! It cannot fail!" Epsilon adjusted his black Kabuki outfit, put on the mask and turned towards Blade. "Well, how do I look?" Blade looked around in confusion. "Where did you go, boss?" "Mwahahahaha..." the unseen evil presence that was Epsilon laughed, as he strode towards the door. "Yes, it's good to be bad..." * * * Twoflower stared at the letter in his hands. "'we WilL REveal OURsELVES in exChAnGE FoR aN AuTOGrapHed phoTO OF JESUS! sIGNed, NV'. The hell?" * * * Meanwhile in Kansas, John Biles wondered who was singing BGC music. * * * NeoVid, attention span quickly drained by writing The Mysterious Note for the Impro Inquisition, (you DID catch that, didn't you?) was obsessively trying to master using Dan Hibiki in Power Stone. On the screen, Dan grabbed Gunrock and exploded. "YES! The Once In A Lifetime Path Of Man Power Fusion! Only someone with my skill could win with a move that does 99% damage to himself!" Elsewhere, Lusipher and W4 (now with a clean shirt) had just finished setting up the Paranoia-Matic Security Scanner ('Paranoia-Matic. When you honestly don't want anyone to get killed.'). "If anyone did manage to sneak something deadly in here, this'll tell us AND point out who it is! Push the button, Lusipher!" The instant the alarm was turned on, a neon arrow dropped out of the ceiling and pointed straight at NeoVid, along with the helpful alarm. *BRRRRREEEEEEEEEEEEEEPPPPPPPPP!!!!!!!!!!* "WTF?" Vid actually said that. "That's our security. You have leave any weapons outside," W4 told him, motioning to the door. "We had to put it in case anyone comes gunning for Epsilon." "Oh... kay. If I gotta." Walking out, he reached into his jacket and took out a gatling gun, tossing it on the ground in front of the house. It was followed by a battleaxe, a proton cannon labeled "Property of Tony Stark", and a steel I-beam. "This is going to take a while." * * * "TAKE THAT, CLOD!" Lady Chaos laughed as she pushed the controller's buttons mercilessly. The screen showed a standard battle scene from FF7, with the odd notion that Tifa was in the middle of performing Final Heaven (with other accompanying Limit Breaks) on Cloud. "Isn't Cloud the hero?" Squall (or John Evans if you prefer) asked, eyeing the exctatic Canadian warily. "Hero, shmero!" Lady C replied offhandedly. "He's still a wuss. Now if Sephy was the hero..." Her eyes turned all sparkly. "Or Squall! Hey, why am I playing this when--" A loud, inhuman squeal was heard, cutting her off. The other people in the room looked up. "Do you hear... wing beating?" Squall asked. * * * Dropping a handful of shuriken, an Enemy Skill materia and a white phosphorus grenade on top of the gigantic pile of destructive implements, NeoVid dusted off his hands. "Well, that's all of 'em." He stepped in slowly, watching the alarms supiciously. They didn't even go *bing*. "Much better," he stated, heading straight at the food. NeoVid's mind picked that moment to swing onto a totally different subject, his expression changing to a Predatory Leer (TM Henchi Hakuchi) "You think Stephica's doing anything important right now?" "Give up right now. You know Avatars can't get women without using their powers." "Why must you crush my dreams? I did give you those ideas for Unnoticeable Jack, remember." He quickly brightened up. "On a totally different subject, I brought food! And before you say anything, the reason I didn't bring it out until now was... actually I can't tell you without breaking the fourth wall. Which I'd normally be glad to do, but... anyway, even though I'm not big on rules, I'm following all the ones about food. First, something for all the dips at this party..." Reaching inside his eye-hurting, perspective-fracturing jacket, he got out a fifty pound bag of pretzel sticks. "Wait a second!" 2F yelled as he appeared out of nowhere. "Only staff can have access to Hammer/FurnitureSpace!" NeoVid managed not to look more arrogant than usual. "I don't." He held his jacket open so everyone could see the swirling grey stuff inside. "This is a portal to the Realm of Chaos, and as one of her agents (well, ex-agents) I have to have it. It won't cause any trouble, since I already left my many implements of destruction outside, and no one else can use it." "Well, I suppose we can let it go... as long as nothing horrible happens." "Great. Anyway, I've got more food. Lessee, there's my mesquite garlic dip (homemade)," setting a bucket of what looked like pink sour cream on the table, "salsa," -four green jars labeled 'Controversial Jack Salsa: one taste and your hair will look like his'- "and pie! Lemon meringue... mmm, lemon... peach, and pecan!" He set them all down, then blinkblinked when he looked up at everyone. "Why is everybody looking at them that way?" W4 took a veeerry close look at the peach pie. "You put nails in them, right? Or LSD, or a body?" "Why are you so suspicious?" "I've met you before and I know what you're like." "OK, good reason. If you're going to get like that, I'll list the ingredients." He got out a list about four feet long. * * * Out on the deck, Roe, Eslington and Twoflower reclined, relaxing during the early hours of the College Student's Morning. It would have been nice to say that the sunrise was spectacular, but very few (and very strange) people were up at that time. Surprisingly, the three were alone on the deck, taking a moment to soak up some photons before returning to the madness inside. The hoverjets that Chrystal from Culture Shock had installed around the base of the house hummed softly, making the house hover a feet over the ground like few houses outside of anime did. Later Eslington would go and find the joystick controlling the jets' systems and take the house for a ride across the landscape. But for now, there were just... Roe lifted his head. "Hey, do you hear... wing beating?" Eslington looked up from his crisps (which the rest of the world calls chips. And what the Britons call chips, we call fries. Strange people, Britons.). "Yes, big wings. And--" *THOOM* The house shook slightly. "--obviously it's this dragon that just landed," he finished. Everyone looked up at the... THING that suddenly blocked out the sun. The big, red, scaly body towered over them, the sun behind it making a Really Cool Effect. "Ookay," Twoflower said, reaching into Hammerspace. "I think this calls for--" "MWA-HA-HA! So, you thought you could hold a party without me?" A voice boomed out. The dragon leaned down to reveal... "Who are you?" Twoflower asked. The yellow-and-white-clad man promptly fell off the dragon and landed with his face against the ground. He got up and dusted himself off. "Don't you recognize me? I am..." He struck a pose, and a drumroll cued up... "Hi, Jonatan!" Eslington said, heading off the cheesy scene at the pass. "What took you so long to get here?" Jonatan shot him a Deadly Glare (-3 save against death) and composed himself. "Correct, it is I... and the reason why I didn't arrive sooner is this: I wasn't invited!" He struck an impressive Naga-esque pose (although Naga herself did a better job, what with her having the right figure and all) and pointed at the trio. "But you won't be able to keep me out! In fact, I shall--" "We didn't invite anyone in particular, you know," Twoflower helpfully commented. "You didn't? But what about..." Counting on his fingers, Jonatan put together two and two, divided by zero, and got a very large number. "I see. Looks like I messed up a bit, no?" Jonatan would have looked embarrassed, had he been the sort of person to look embarrassed at all. "Anyway, I suppose I can go in, then? Nice to meet you guys, by the way!" He shook everyone's hand with enough force to tear a normal human's arm from the socket. "So, 2f-sama, is this the part where I throw myself to the ground and scream 'I'm not worty, I'm not worthy'?" Twoflower smirked a bit. "No, this is the part where you tell us why you brought a dragon to the party." Jonatan shrugged. "I like dragons. My sister breeds 'em. Anyway, I figured we'll have a barbecue!" Silence fell like a rock, penetrated only by Roe and Twoflower blinking audably, anime-style. Eslington, being a bit more familiar with Jonatan's antics, just smirked. "Barbecue, Jonatan?" "Oh yes." Jonatan licked his lips. "Dragons are nummy." He shrugged. "But we can talk about that later. I'll just tie it down somewhere. Now where's the food and women?" "Did you bring any?" Roe asked. "Any women?" Jonatan grinned. "Gosh, I was hoping you'd have some... I brought SOMETHING, though." He turned around. "Hey, King! Come out and meet the guys!" There was a thump as something landed behind the dragon, and then into the group strolled... "Thank you. Thank you very much. Great to be here," Elvis said. "You brought ELVIS?" Twoflower asked, as the King of Rock'n'Roll shook the hand of the King of Fanfiction. "As you can see, I did." Jonatan gave him a funny look. "You're not going to say something about fictional characters, are you?" "No, but he's supposed to be dead." "I sure don't hope so... I paid a lot for him." He turned to Elvis. "You go inside and try to find someplace to play, okay?" "Uhuhuh," Elvis confirmed and wandered off, humming a catching tune. "Now that the entertainment bit is done, let's go on to food!" Reaching into his coat, Jonatan took out... "*A-HEM!*" Twoflower a-hemmed. "Wait a sec," Roe said. "You can't access Hammerspace, Jonatan." "I don't access Hammerspace," Jonatan said with a shrug. Roe's eyes glazed over. "You don't access Hammerspace. These are not the rebels we're looking for. You can.." "..." Jonatan lightly rapped Roe on the forehead with a knuckle to snap him out of his condition. "Sorry about that." Roe blinked. "What happened? Anyway, like I said, you can't access Hammerspace, so if you think that you can pull out things from there, you're sadly mistaken." "No problem," Jonatan responded, and then struck Roe on the head with a giant inflatable hammer, making a *SQUEAK!* noise. "Not that this isn't fun and all..." Twoflower said. "...but if you don't have access to Hammerspace, then where did you get that thing?" "Wouldn't you like to know? It's from my VERY roomy, very cool coat I have." He reached into the coat and pulled out a vaulting pole, just to demonstrate. "See?" "Coatspace?" Roe suggested. "Get real, admin-boy. Like I'd use something ordinary like that? Shyeah, right." Jonatan took out a can of Coke and took a sip. "It's just that it contains quite a lot of stuff in a way that is, in actuality, impossible (not that such things ever stopped me before), but it does NOT use pocket dimensions in any fashion whatsoever." He clutched the sides tightly. "And anyone who tries to take it will suffer a nasty surprise." "So you're sneaking your way around the Rules then," Eslington, who so far had observed the exchange with amusement, commented. "Is better than breaking then, no?" Jonatan replied. A frown of un-Ikea-like proportions appeared on Twoflowers forehead. "So you can bring in weapons." Twoflower did not look happy. "Hmm?" Jonatan asked. "That means you can bring in weapons." "Weapons?" Jonatan adapted a look of curiosity. "Yeah, weapons. Hey, I can bring weapons. Yay, weapons." A low chuckle started building in his throat, growing louder. "Ha... ha... ha... hahahahahaHAHAHAHAHA!" Stopping abruptly, he locked a megawatt stare on Twoflower. "Weapons. WHY on Kasumi's--" "Jack's," Roe helpfully filled in. "--KASUMI'S green Earth would I bring WEAPONS to a PARTY?! I mean seriously, I've been to parties where you bring fancy clothing, I've been to parties where you bring farm machinery, I've even been to a party where I had Kanji written over my body, but I've NEVER been to a party where you bring WEAPONS." "So do you have any weapons or not?" "No. Definitely no. I left everything and anything that could be considered to be a weapon at home. Like I said, this is a party." He thought for a moment. "It's of course a question of definition; what is considered to be a weapon. But I digress. I've got two promises for you." "Yes?" "I swear on my very own life that I will not use a weapon to seriously hurt or harm anyone present at this party, now or ever. And I swear that if anyone tries to deprive me of my stuff 'just to make sure I don't use a weapon', then I WILL hurt that person. WITHOUT a weapon." Roe blinked. "Is it just me, or did we suddenly turn violent?" "I suspect it's OW!!-deprivation," Eslington theorized. "You know what's coming up." "Oh yes. Hmm... I wonder when Phoebe will show up?" Jonatan stopped in mid-'violently righteous, Ryouga-style'-pose and allowed a look of euphoria to play over his face. "Phoebe? Is Phoebe-chan here? Wait, you said she hasn't showed up yet. Damnation. Oh well... so can I go in now?" "I suppose. Only..." Roe pointed at Jonatan's outfit. "Why are you wearing... THAT?" "This?" Jonatan opened his coat to reveal the lemon-yellow jumpsuit he wore; it was covered with handwriting, pins, badges, chains, padlocks, a very small doomsday device and one eviction note. Several parts of it seemed to have been cut off and replaced with parts of different colors. "This is the official party outfit of my club! Cool, ne? I figured that since I was going to a BIG party, I'd dress properly. Catch you later!" He promptly turned and walked inside. "So when Phoebe shows up, this place is going to explode or something, right?" Roe theorized. "My money is on 'or something'," Eslington replied. "Is this something I should know?" Twoflower asked. * * * Meanwhile, somewhere else outside Chez Impro, a van pulled up behind a group of conveniently-planted trees. It was a rather normal-looking green van, looking as inconspicious as a van bearing a striking resemblance to the Mystery Machine can. At least it wasn't covered with pictures of flowers. A group of street artists then spontaneously appeared, painted flowers on the van, and then vanished off looking for the next target of their terror. All this was lost on the van's inhabitant, who was sitting in the back of the van, pounding (lightly) on a static-filled screen, trying to get it in working order. Wang_Tu_Chung had arrived at the party, and he would... spy on it from afar. Yeah, that was cool. He performed a skilled palm strike on the side of the screen, and it flared to life. "Hail to the king, baby!" he cheered as the screen focussed to reveal... ...people going around, eating and talking. Wang grinned proudly. For now, this would do. * * * "Sugar, peaches, pecans..." NeoVid read. Amazingly enough he was at the end of the list, and W4 hadn't found a single illegal or harmful ingredient. Well, unless you consider the dangers of having a truckload of canned peaches fall on you, but that's not really relevant, now is it? "How about glass? Any glass in those pies?" MEANWHILE, SOMEWHERE ELSE... Few people know that the government routinely bugs every large gathering of fanfic writers. The Impro Party was exactly what they had been dreading since that order went out. "He's saying it's just pie, sir," the tech manning the monitor stated. "We can't take that chance. Order an orbital strike." BACK AT THE RANCH... "...and caramel coloring," NeoVid finished. "Happy now?" Before W4 had a chance to reply, NeoVid got a distant look on his face. "Whoa... my spidey sense is tingling..." The door was flung open, and Jonatan strode in. He raised a megaphone to his lips and yelled... *BOOM!* The megaphone went up in a fireball. Remember kids, don't use the Farvergnugen setting unless you're going to whisper. "YOU!" NeoVid yelled, pointing at Jonatan. "YOU!" Jonatan yelled, pointing at NeoVid. The light dimmed, and a wind picked up, throwing crisp packets and old newspapers around. Ominous music started playing in the background as the two... "STOP MESSING WITH THE LIGHTING!" W4 yelled. The room returned to normal. "Soree," Jonatan replied, and then turned to NeoVid. "Hiya, Vid! What's up?" NeoVid cracked a grin. "Well, we're having a party." "Really? Gosh, I thought you were having a bible study session." "Nothing so fancy." Jonatan shrugged. "I suppose it'll get a bit more exciting later on." He turned to W4. "Hey boss-man! Where's the things happening?" W4 took a step back from the man, feeling another attack coming. "It's... around. Are you always this excited?" "Sorry, it's party feeling. I'll probably have calmed in a few hours or days or so." He grinned psychotically. "I'll just go and have a lookaround, unload the chow and stuff. See ya, Vid! We'll have to discuss MiSTing later, kay?" "Sure," NeoVid said, waving him off. He turned to W4. "Get a grip on yourself, will you?" "He's worse than Puu on a sugar spree." * * * Twoflower shivered. "I feel the chill of the grave..." "Sorry," Eslington said apologetically, "I'm not used to the Californian heat, so I cast a cooling spell." Twoflower shrugged. "Whatever." He moved his chair away a bit from Eslington and held out his drink. "Could you hold this for a while? It's gone cold." * * * Jonatan walked into the den, and then leapt back to avoid three Implements of Doom (tm) with a move that would have put Indiana Jones to shame. Okay, not really. "Heeey!" Ardweden complained. "You're not supposed to dodge!" "Yeah!" Delfina said. "Rule 52 clearly says that-- Jon-kun!" She glomped him. "You finally decided to show up?" "Jonatan?" Omi asked. "Damn, then our plan-- I mean, hihi!" Jonatan lit up. "Delfina! Omi!" He looked at Ardweden. "Girl in funny outfit! How nice to see you!" "Friend of yours, Delfina?" Ardweden asked. "Yeah!" Delfina replied. "This is Jonatan from the DGML. He prereads for me and stuff. Jonatan, this is my twin Ardweden!" "Charmed, I'm sure," he said, taking her hand and kissing it. "So what are you ladies up to?" "Well, we're going on a chibifying spree to cheer up Ardweden after... well, after something depressing happened to her. Speaking of which..." She un-glomped and swung her Mallet of Kawaii at Jonatan, who dodged. "Stop dodging! Haven't you ever heard of Rule 52?" "Rule 52: Nothing can stand against a vengeful girl with a mallet or other heavy implement." He poked his nose at her. "You're not vengeful." "Is that a fact?" Ardweden asked. Omi shrugged. "Doesn't really matter... Delfina's going to be pretty vengeful if he keeps that up." "Is that so?" Jonatan asked, making a look that would have put certain Xelloss-hating party-goers into hissy fits. "Then I'd better... exit, stage right!" said the empty spot of air. The three girls stared. Then Delfina gathered her resolve. "Well, what are we waiting for?" The hunt was on. * * * Myth, having stunned (not literally!) her audience yet again, lowered the microphone and paged through the register. So many choices and so little time! Hmm, maybe 'Moonlight river' would be a good one... A shadow fell over her, and she turned around... and gasped. "Elvis?" "Hello there, missus. Fancy a duet?" the white-clad legend said, introducing himself. Myth *blink**blink*ed. "Um, aren't you dead?" "Fraid I can't tell you that, pretty thang." He grinned. "So how 'bout it?" "Sure, sure!" She nodded enthusiastically. Within moments, she had plugged in a second mike and adapted the karaoke machine for two. She handed the mike to him. "Ready?" The song began. And it was GOOD. * * * Over the hills and over the land, the wild hunt would not stop for any man. But since this wasn't The Summer People by John Biles, this hunt only consisted of Jonatan and three somewhat angry girls. The worst thing was that he was enjoying it. Jonatan skidded around a corner and sneaked into the shadows. Reaching into his bottomless coat, he put on a pair of nose glasses, a Beefeater hat and held up a sign reading 'He went thataway' followed by an arrow. Delfina rounded the corner and stared at him. "Jonatan, that has got to be the third worst disguise I've ever seen." Then she malleted him, rendering him chibi. And there was much rejoicing. Yaay. Ardweden and Omi showed up next. "Del-chan, I wanted to hit him!" Ardweden pouted, like only cute girls in aardwark outfits can. "Hmm, I didn't consider this..." Jonatan mused, rearranging his hair that got mussed up by the mallet. He looked up. "I see London, I see--" *WHAM!* "--a freakin' big lute..." A Lumi plushie, bulbs alight, suddenly appeared over his head. "An idea! Let's... oh, wait." A look of intense (or as intense you can get when you're SD) concentration played over his face, and he suddenly bounced back into his full-sized, anatomically-correct self, to the surprise of the ladies. "What would you three say about having a scavenger hunt?" Omi's eyes lit up. "Sugoi! Then we can steal fun stuff and things and..." Ardweden smiled happily. "Fun! Can I team up with Delfina?" "Great!" Jonatan grinned in a fashion that made saner people head for the hills. "Then consider yourselves drafted for service, ladies." "Work?" Ardweden tried to back away. "I never volunteered for any work..." Jonatan quickly moved to block her escape route. "Sorry cutie, but it's too late to back out now." He gave them an incredulous look. "What, you thought I was going to do all the planning by myself? Get real. Where's the fun in that?" Delfina nudged her twin. "Hey, how hard can it be? We make a list of a lot of fun stuff to gather, make up some teams, and presto! We have a scavenger hunt. It's easy!" Jonatan reached into his coat and took out a PADD (which is just like a pad except it carries the D of Domination, and you have to yell it), scribbling away. "Okay, let's see now... they should be able to pick their teams if they want to, nothing forced... maximum of three members in each team... so what particular items should we have?" "Bishounens?" Delfina suggested. "How very Omi of you, Del-chan," Jonatan replied, scribbling. "HEY! I'm offended!" Omi replied. "Actually, I'm not. Wai!" "Traffic signs is a good one," Jonatan offered. Ardweden frowned. "But wouldn't that be dangerous?" "Don't see why, I've gathered lots without getting a scratch," the Swede replied. "A shrubbery?" "Nice one. And a--" "MANSE!!!" "--a manse? What's that?" Ardweden asked, cutely confused á la Phoebe. [author pauses to sigh happily] There was a terrible, horrible silence. There was a terrible, horrible noise. There was a terrible, horrible silence. Omi inspected the feet sticking out of the hole in front of them. "Oh, it's Yun Cheolsu." "How can you be so sure?" Jonatan asked. "Says so here on the tag," Omi replied. "See?" Sure enough, a small tag was attached to the Cajun writer's leg, enscribbled with his name, blood type, measurements and fave food, but none present was really interested in that. "Should we check if he's hurt?" "Good point," Jonatan said, putting on a stethoscope. "Anyone want to play doctor?" After dodging a few Implements of Doom (tm), he added, "I meant, anyone want to help me examine him?" After using the first-aid skills he got many, many years ago in Elementary school, and with some nursing courtesy of Delfina, Jonatan came to the conclusion that Yun was miraculously undamaged except for unconsciousness and a few bruises (and his left arm stood out whenever anyone poked him on the forehead, something everyone found hilarious). Truly a miracle. Or a plot contrivance of miraculous proportions, whichever came closest. "Well, we can't leave him here," Jonatan said, "so let's introduce him to the others." He took out a foldable gurney (you know, those stretchers on wheels), unfolded it, and then tried to drag the unconscious Yun onto it. A task that was met with no ease. "Kasumi-kami, he's heavy." "Maybe you should remove the keg on his back?" Delfina unlatched the straps, and the keg landed on Jonatan's foot. "Oh, sorry!" Jonatan dropped a much lighter Yun onto the gurney. "Oh, that? No probs. So what's in the keg?" "No idea... let's take it to the kitchen or something." She picked up the heavy keg and placed it on top of the gurney (and Yun). "Okay, let's go." * * * In case the reader hasn't noticed yet, a large portion of the party-goers at Chez Impro were fanfic writers. Those writers write stories. Put down that axe, please. Many of the attendees at the party had been working on their stories when the call for arms, I mean party, reached them, and, sensing an opportunity to get some assistance/feedback/extensions, they had brought their works with them in easy-handle, paper version script forms. By unspoken consensus the less paranoid writers had all left their scripts on a conveniently placed table, so anyone could stop by and read some of it. This, of course, would only work in a friendly atmosphere where everyone had only the utmost benevolent intentions. *OMINOUS SUNSHINE* From his hiding place by the wall, Epsilon began to gloat, "It's brilliant! If they leave their scripts unattended for a moment, I will... CORRECT them! If that doesn't put an end to creativity, nothing will! AHAAHAAAHAAAA!!" Nearby, BlackMage wondered why the wall was laughing, then figured it was one of those things that always happens but he had never been told about. * * * Jonatan, followed by Delfina, Ardweden and Omi (because ye humble writer doesn't feel like referring to them as 'the girls', despite feeling like Charlie from 'Charlie's Angels' at the moment) wheeled the unconscious Yun into the livingroom, where computers lined the walls, food decked the tables, and a demon lord appeared before them. Scratch that, there was no demon lord. It wouldn't be allowed in. Notably there were a few more guests present than last time, and Ravi had taken position behind the bar. He had his hood down, so he was only Ravi, not a member of a secret organization planning to usurp the entire party and take over the world! Or something. The girls took the opportunity to plot their secret plans and other stuff men are never told about. Stephica looked up from her contemplation of the item in her hands, noticed Jonatan and bounded over. "Jon-kun, you finally showed up!" "My god, my hair is talking to me," Jonatan said in mock astonishment, looking around in a arc a feet above Stephica's height. Then he looked down. "Well, well... hi there, Steph-chan. What's a nice girl like you doing at a place like this?" Stephica grinned seductively. "I'm not a nice girl, you know." "Yes, but the corollary wouldn't be as flattering." He noted the item she was holding. "What's with the chess game?" She smiled even wider. "Oh, I'm hoping to have a nice game of strip chess with someone... you wouldn't want to play, would you?" "I suck at chess," he evaded. "Hey, last I saw Roe he was out on the deck..." Stephica smiled and vanished, in a much more enticing imitation of the Cheshire Cat. Jonatan walked over to the bar. "Barkeep, a drink!" Ravi handed him a drink which may or may not be alcoholic in content, although it probably was. Being behind the bar gave Ravi 'Mad Bartending Skeelz'. "So you're Ravi, then?" "Yes," Ravi said, as he had little need to keep his current identity secret. "And you're Streith? THE Jonatan Streith?" "No, just one of them. Don't you know I come in six-pack?" Jonatan replied, emptying the glass and holding it out for more. "That would explain it," Ravi said. He took out a large glass and poured up a large measure of Spirit, followed by some water. "So what's with your friend?" "He's Yun Cheolsu," Jonatan stated matter-of-factly, as Ravi added a few glittering ice cubes and a small bottle of gas to the drink. "I can see that. Terminal, right?" Ravi added a measure of what looked like sugar, followed by a jagged tooth. They both vanished into the drink. "Yes, I fear that we won't be able to save him. Terrible, no? What are you mixing, anyway?" Ravi grinned enigmatically as he sprinkled something blue into the drink. "If you can drink it all, I'll tell you what it is." He added an olive. "Enjoy." "Thanks!" Jonatan picked up the glass and brought it to his lips, tilting it... and put it down. "I almost forgot, I was going to announce the scavenging hunt I was preparing!" Not noticing the look of disappointment that flew over Ravi's face, he turned to the crowd. "Hey, people! Anyone wanna have a scavenging hunt?" Anko looked up from the computer he had spent several days hiding behind (not intentionally). "A scavenger hunt? Isn't that for little kids?" Jonatan scooted over. "Ah, but we're not hunting for everyday stuff... and we're altering the rules too." Anko pondered it for a moment. "Hmm... okay, I'm in." There was a general chorus of agreement. Not exactly the rousing cheer Jonatan had hoped for, but the day was still young. "Great! I'll just put up a board here..." He took out a nail and an iron-bound book (because hammers could be considered to be weapons) and hammered the nail into the wall, then hung the board on it. He resisted the urge to scratch his nails across the board, then scribbled the words "TEAMS" and "SCORE" on it. Finally, he placed a stack of lists containing all the items that needed to be hunted down on a chair in front of the board. "Now to pick my own teammember..." He walked over to NeoVid, who was lying on the couch with a bottle of 7up in his hand. "Hey Vid, wanna team up?" NeoVid grinned but didn't respond. "NeoVid?" Nothing. Jonatan prodded the avatar, and the bottle fell from his lifeless hands. "Hey Ravi, how much has he had?" Ravi thought for a moment. "A bottle of 7up..." "That's not much." "...mixed with gin, vodka and... a lot of sake." Jonatan sweatdropped. "Oookay, that explains it... guess I'll have to find another partner." "Aren't you going to finish your drink?" Ravi asked, indicating the still bubbling drink. "Oh, I almost forgot. Well, cheers!" He lifted the drink, took a mouthful, and swallowed. "Mmm, nice. Good body, and--" *WHAM!!!* "--the after-effect is quite impressive," Jonatan finished, fighting to remain upright despite the way his legs tried to bend in all the wrong directions. "I'll have another one... next week." Ravi grinned. "The Pan-Galactic Gargle Blaster IS rather potent." * * * -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Summary: ][ JONATAN def. TEACHER, NOW AT 1W/0L ][ YUN CHEOLSU JOINED THE PARTY AS CRASHER ][ NEOVID JOINED THE IMPRO INQUISITION ][ NEOVID IS DISARMED ][ JONATAN JOINED THE PARTY AS GUEST/CRASHER ][ JONATAN STEALS THE SPOTLIGHT ][ PHOEBE MENTIONED ][ WANG TU CHUNG JOINED THE PARTY AS PSEUDO ASOCIAL PSYCHOTIC PARTY CRASHER ][ ELVIS JOINED THE PARTY AS SINGER ][ RULE 52 EXPLAINED ][ SCAVENGER HUNT PLANNED ][ 7UP def. NEOVID, NOW AT 1W/0L ][ JONATAN DRINKS A PAN-GALACTIC GARGLE BLASTER ][ Next scheduled author: NeoVid Locations, or YOU ARE HERE: Person Location Twoflower: On the deck Roe: On the deck W4: In the livingroom Lusipher: Chez Impro Calculus: Chez Impro NeoVid: In the livingroom Omi no Miko: In the livingroom Delfina: In the livingroom Ardweden: In the livingroom Stephica: On the deck, or heading there Eslington: On the deck Aaron: In the ocean nihility (Eric): In the ocean Dan Wood: Chez Impro Dan Hibiki: In every fighting game worth its salt Chris Nichols: The basement Todd: Home for now Lawrence: Lurking Anko: Chez Impro Damien Roc: On the way to Japan Myth: At the stage Nick: Chez Impro Ravi: At the bar Jake: Chez Impro Hottcoffee: Chez Impro Cthulhu: Ry'leth BlackMage: Chez Impro Fatman: Late for the party Epsilon: Chez Impro (hiding) Blade: Possibly at Chez Impro, or Epsilon's house Eternal Lost Lurker: Lurking Rain: On his way to the party Chaos: Chez Impro Squall: Chez Impro Iron Chef Chen Kenichi: The kitchen Mecha Tom Green: Epsilon's house Bishounen chauffeur: Chained in front of Chez Impro Leonardo DiCaprio: Stuck in an iceberg Dragon: Tied in the back of Chez Impro Jess: The laundry room Elvis: At the stage Author's disjointed notes: Insert "Song of the sirens" here. Then pound the writer for making an OCR. Well, wasn't that fun? It was at least fun to write, and I hope you all enjoyed reading it. Terribly sorry if I seemed to take the spotlight too often... but I enjoy being in focus, is all. Big thanks to Yun Cheolsu, NeoVid and Eslington for prereading. Also big (in some cases additional) thanks to NeoVid, Eslington, Yun Cheolsu, Squall, and Delfina for suggestions and funny scenes. Um... if I've missed anyone, then thanks to you too! Note on the scavenger hunt: The list is LONG, and the reason I only specified a few... well, I'm positive you can figure it out yourselves. In other words, let your imagination run wild. Also, the hunt isn't restricted to just the house, so GET OUT AND DO STUFF! This was written all the while listening to Giant Robo .au's. Really great anime. Yes, I actually own an outfit like the one described, and yes, it looks just as garish as you think it does, and yes, I'm very proud of it. The Economics club is the scourge of mankind on my school. Think of them as mimes. Manse: Korean equivalent of "Banzai". It has the same Kanji. See you all in the next installment of ImproParty! Yay! * * * Original soundtrack not available on CD, LP and tape. Original soundtrack available only if you have a paper and comb handy.