The sarariman stared at the newcomer to the window ledge. [Hey!] he thought,
[This is MY time. I'm supposed to get the attention. Who's this gaijin quack?]
He was waiting, of course. Waiting for that selfsame attention to register
itself. Far, far below, the sidewalks and streets of Tokyo bustled along with
their normal mid-evening energy. No one had looked up. No one had shouted "Look!
It's a jumper!" and then called every single authority including the Coast Guard
in a pathetic attempt to save the idiot's life and prolong the inevitable until
NEXT week... when he would try again. More than likely, the cop would come out
onto the ledge and the idiot would freak out, slip and fall to his doom,
screaming either for his mommy or that he didn't want to die. Then, fully
conscious, he would hit the ground and proceed to be flung in about 360
directions at once, none of them particularly healthy. And a few passersby would
get a reason to pay their dry cleaners as much as they do.
Clearly, however, this newcomer wasn't a cop. For one, it was too early. First
there had to be a commotion down on the street level. There was certainly no
commotion. There were no sirens trying to fight through rush hour traffic to get
there. None of that had happened, yet, so there couldn't be a cop. [I want my
commotion before I get my cop!] the sarariman thought.
The fact they were up on the 270th story(1) might have had something to do with
it.
But even so, someone was up here with him. That was a BIT of attention, at
least. The other person didn't look like a police officer. For one, he wasn't
wearing a uniform. No nicely coordinated, subdued colors to put people at ease,
or the crisp lines, creases, and folds, to put people off guard. Or the cap.
There HAD to be a cap... and that hair was far to long to be regulation, wasn't
it?
And police officers didn't usually carry around mountain bikes did they?
Still, it was best to make sure. "<Umm... Excuse me. Are you a police
officer?>"(2) the sarariman asked.
The other person looked at him blankly, as if only just now noticing him.
---
Five minutes later.
"Y'know what? I've searched my ass off. I've done a better census of the female
population of Japan than the frikkin' UN could do. I have gotten lost and ended
up in Korea. Twice. I've been accosted by schoolgirls, hunted, beaten,
stripped... thank god for Chow Yun Fat. Who'da known he would be promoting 'Anna
and the King' here, right now; who'da known he was that cool in RL... I've
searched everyone, in every way, at almost every time, and you know what? No
frikkin' Phoebe. You know what this means don't you?"
The sarariman stared at the gaijin. "<She's gone home.>"
"Damn right... hey, I don't understand Japanese."(3)
IMPROFANFIC PRESENTS
in association with
WATER DRAGON PRODUCTIONS
IMPRO
A
R
SIXTEEN
Y
Zen and the Art of Footnotes(4)
or
The Making of a Whore(5)
planning by
Damien Roc
written by
Damien Roc, Phoebe, and others(6)
HTML by
The Savior of Impro
Somewhere, a Cloud died, but that's another story entirely.(7)
---
Eslington finally remembered something. "Oh, yeah! I was going to find the
controls to the house." He left the kitchen to search in parts known and
unknown.
Chris watched him go, then went back to shoveling food in his face... working
around the slightly chewed bits of the Chihuahuas' dinner.
---
(8)
Up in the attic, a confused conversation was taking place.
The subject: the naked, but for a pair of boxers and an ubernaturally(9)
attached to his person lab coat, Jonatan Streith. He was unconscious.
The speakers: Roe, Stephica, Illyria "the ImproSlut"(10),
Delfina, and Lusipher.
The topic: how to remove the aforementioned ubernaturally attached lab coat from
his person.
They tried pulling. They tried pushing. They tried bleach, turpentine, and nail
polish remover, but all to no avail.
"Okay," Roe panted, "I'm about ready to give up."
"Aww, we can't do that now," Delfina pouted. She resumed trying to beat the lab
coat off of the unconscious Swede with her mallet.
Inside Jonatan's head, no words such as "unfroody"(11) were happening during
"The Jonatan Show."(12)
"Hey! What's that?" Lus pointed at something.
"What?" Everyone else crowded close. Sure enough, one button(13) looked slightly
different... In fact, it looked just like a chibi version of a Big Red Button
(tm).(14)
"Ooh, red button," Illyria said. And pushed it.
There were no special effects. Nothing spectacular.(15) Not even the pop of air
refilling a vacuum... But Jonatan disappeared.
The lab coat did not. Neither did the boxer shorts.
"Odd," Roe said. He picked up the coat and examined it. "Hmm... nothing here."
He shrugged and turned to leave the attic. "Still, we should get Omi to continue
with the Plan."
"Hey!" Lus said, pointing at something and proving that he was only here to be
the Fuu of the scene. "What's that?"
"Clothes?" Delfina asked.
"A man's clothes," Stephica said.
"Ah, well," Illyria said. Like Roe, she left. The others soon followed after
her. Except Lus.
"Hey," he said, "Wasn't Epsilon wearing those earlier?"(16)
He stared at the discarded lab coat. [Not really my style,] he thought, [But
what the hell.]
He slipped it on.
---
Deep in the bowls of Chez Impro, something moved... It moved, it wobbled, it
wiggled, it shuffled. It was...
...a BOX, which is no surprise to anyone who's been paying attention for the
past few chapters. And most of those people who have been attention would know
what was contained in the BOX!(17)
NOTHING!(18) YOU SO STUPID!(19)
---
New Zealand is the most remote large body of land in the world. It lies
approximately 1400 miles east of Australia.(20) The country consists of two main
islands - the North Island and the South Island - as well as numerous smaller
islands. The land is generally rugged, with the Southern Alps along the western
edge of the South Island rising about 8000 feet above sea level; about 75% of
the land is above 600 feet.(21)
Damien Roc had thankfully been there before.(22) And, since the population was
only about 2% of the population of Japan,(23) he didn't have q u i t e so many
people to look though to find what he was looking for.
This is why he managed to get to NZ and back within one episode to find that
Phoebe wasn't there, but it took him forever in Japan.
He arrived at Auckland - "feels like a half-deserted YMCA"(24) - sped through
it, and down the west coast of the North Island. [Hmm... Nice beaches] he
thought. He stayed on the coast until Wellington - "boring and windy and don't
go there"(25) - hopped across the Cook Strait and then through the province of
Marlborough. [Hmm... doesn't smell like cigarettes.]
Then it was down the west coast of the South Island, taking a brief rest stop in
Christchurch... [Y'know, I can't help but think that any place that's associated
with the name Canterbury should be really frikkin' old.)... and then it was OFF
again, down the coast even further.(26) He reached Timaru and he knew his
journey was almost done.(27)
Ah, there it was. "Pleasant Oamaru, where the stench of sea tulips wafts over
the rigidly anal-retentive lawns of the senior citizens who spend their time
awaiting their deaths and harassing hardworking checkout girls in this peaceful
coastal town."(28) [Hmm... rather odd thing to put in the guidebook.] He reached
the house and raised his hand to knock...
---
(29)
John looked at his watch.
This wasn't because he was particularly impatient, but more because he was,
well, a clock-watcher,(30) and because he had nothing better to do at the
moment.
"Hey there, handsome, want to @*&$! $&@*$ my &$&!*~~?"
John looked up into the very smiling face of H.
"...um...no thanks, miss."
"'No thanks'? Come on, you don't have to be shy!"
"No, I...I already have a girlfriend, you see."(31) He took a step backward.(32)
"I don't see her around, though." H took a step forward.
"Well, she's not, at the moment...but really, I don't want to..."
"Oh, I'm sure I can change your mind." H licked her lips.
John started to sweat, just a little. "...Yeah, but I don't think I'd, well,
perform very well."
"Oh, you're not experienced? How cute!"
John paused to think. "No, what I mean is...I can't get it up."(33)
H stopped in her tracks. "What?"
"Yeah, you know, I've just had so much already today, that it's not gonna happen
any more. Sorry."(34)
"Oh. Well, why didn't you *say* so, in the first place?" H tossed her hair.
"In that case, have you seen Calculus or W4 around?"
"Yeah, I think that's Calc over there." There was a yelp from the other side of
the room, and H launched into pursuit, grinning.
John sighed, leaning back against the wall, then jumped at a tap on his
shoulder. "...Oh. It's just you, Chaos-san."
Chaos' ear twitched inquisitively. "'I've already had so much today'?"
John shrugged. "Well, sometimes you just have to tell them what they want to
hear."
---
Damien's arm swung towards the door... It was now or never, this was the
determining moment. Was he right or was he wrong? Would his Quest(35) finally
come to an end?
The door opened before his fist could rap against it.
He stared at the blond, green-eyed girl holding the door.
She stared right back.
They were silent for a while.
"Hi!" she said, finally. "You're kinda cute."(36)
His ears registered the word "cute". He paused, blinked a few times, paused some
more. His eyes tracked down below the face and saw...
"AAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!! FUKU!!!!"
---
(37)
The fridge sat there innocuously, humming softly. Its contents stirred slightly,
pondering their predicament.
Chibi-Nick thought about his situation as best he could with a superdeformed
brain. [I have to get out of this,] was pretty much all he got out. Also, [It's
cold, wet, and dark in here.]
Chibi-Blackmage was having similar thoughts, but his went more like, [i have to
get out of this] and [its cold wet and dark in here](38)
Back to the outside of the fridge. A dull whump could be heard, followed by a
creaking, then a crunching and a crash. The door flew open, spraying purple
jello everywhere.
"Mmmm. Grape," said Nick as he sampled the Jello. Standing up, he wrung as much
out of his sopping clothes as he could.
"hmm so what now?" asked Blackmage.
Nick stared down at the other formerly-chibi and formerly-set-in-jello person
and scratched his chin. "Are you really a mage, or do you just dress like a
wizard and call yourself a mage for fun?"
Frowning annoyedly, Blackmage shot a glare up at the tall, blonde, jello-soaked
man. Nick got the hint.
"So do you, y'know, know any spells to clean jello out of clothes?"
---
(39)
*gurglegurglegurglegurglegurgle*
*muttermuttermutter*
*thumpthumpthump*
*SPLASH*
"ARGGGH!!"
Damien woke up. Seconds later, a plastic bucket bounced off his head.
"That's for making fun of my clothes!" the angry girl who had thrown it told
him. She handed him a towel. "For your *information* I have just come back from
Japan, and all my clothes are getting washed! This is the only thing I've got!
Did you want me to go *naked*?"(40)
Damien's lips moved silently for a little while. Then, dismissing all lesser
questions, he grabbed the girl's arm. "Excuse me... excuse me, are you...
Phoebe?"
"Yeah. Who's asking?"
And that was it. His Quest, weeks of hard labour and diligent searching, was
finally over. Well, almost. Careful now, Damien. Don't let her get away...
"I'mDamienRocfromImprofanficandwe'rehavingabigpartyandDelfinawantsyoutocome!Shes
entmetogetyou!I'vebeensearchingforweeks!(41)Pleasepleasepleasecome?!"(42)
Phoebe blinked. "A party?"
"Yes!"
"And Del-chan is there?"
"Yes!"
"I left and they had a *party*?!!!!"
"...yes?"
"Those ingrates! I gave them the best writing of my life! Hundreds of hours I
spent, chatting and helping! And the proof-reading! Oh, God, the proof-reading!
Fighting to make sense out of the twisting plot threads and pitiful excuses for
characterization! Forcing stubborn and incompetent writers to obey the rules of
writing! How dare they? How *dare* they? Well, they can take their stupid party,
turn it sidewise, and-"
"Uh..."
"*WHAT*?"
"Uh..." Damien thought very, very fast. "Um, they had the party because... they
were so sad after you left that they had to try something to cheer themselves
up!"
Phoebe hesitated. "Really?"
"Yup! And even then the party was lifeless without you! So they sent me to get
you! Please come, Phoebe!" Damien swallowed hard. "We... we need you."
Silence.
"Um, Phoebe? Will you come?"(43)
Phoebe twirled to face him and gave him her very best Sunny Smile (tm). "Well,
of course, silly! If those poor ImproPeople need me to liven up their wee do,
who am I to refuse them and bring sadness to their lives! Let's go!"
"Great! My bike's just outside, and-"
"Hold it! I need to get some things first. Sit down! Have some Coke. I won't be
long."
---
(44)
Lady Chaos leafed idly through a number of stapled-together pages.
"Hmmm...oooh, Sephy-sama plushies! That's good...Impro character fanart, that
should be easy...a linear time...uh...hm." She folded the page over and held it
up. "Squall, do you know what this is?"
John Evans, alias Squall, looked away from Monster Rancher 2(45) for a moment.
"Oh, a linear time factorization algorithm? I got one of those." He put down
the controller, and started to rummage in his bag...then stopped.
"...Hm? Squall?"(46) Chaos blinked as John turned to glare at her.
"This is that scavenger hunt thing, isn't it?"
Chaos' ear twitched. "Well...maybe."
"...Why? Why would you want to do such a thing? What about all the hard
feelings on the part of the losers? What about all the gloating and smug self-
assurance on the part of the one sole winner?(47) How can you participate in,
nay, even condone such an activity?"
"...finished?" Chaos asked.
"...yeah. Linear-time factorization algorithm, right?"
"It's 50 points!" She beamed.
John sighed, reached into his bag, and pulled out...
...a Zip disk. "Anything else I can help with?"
The wolf-eared girl scanned the list, flipping back to the beginning. "Let's
see...bishounen, traffic signs, shrubbery...manse?" She looked up. "Do you know
what a manse is?"
"Some kind of castle, isn't it? Wait, hold on." John walked over to one of the
numerous IP computer terminals and surfed to a dictionary site. "Hm. Seems to
be a home of a clergyman or something, or just an impressive domicile of any
kind."
He blinked. Then, after a moment, John turned and looked back at Chaos. She
grinned, and he grinned back.
Then he reached into his bag and pulled out...
...a little flag, with an SD Chaos face on it. Chaos took the flag and planted
it in the floor.(48)
"Yeah, I'd say it's impressive," John noted.
"Wai! We're up to 125 already!"
---
"So, all ready go go?" Damien asked.
"Just a, oof, second." Phoebe dragged something out of her room. "We need to
bring this stuff."
Damien stared at the pile. "You realize, of course, that we're travelling on a
mountain bike?"
"Yes."
"And that they tend to be one person vehicles. Adding you is going to be
enough."
"So?"
"I can't carry all that as well... What's in it, anyway?"
"Souvenirs from Japan! Anime goodies and nummy stuff."(49)
Damien blinked. "Y'know, we're going to be not 50 miles from LA(50)... more
imported anime stuff than you can think of. I know. I've been to Books Nippan.
Twice."(51)
"But... but... I _need_ to bring these things."
Damien realized that arguing with a female was not going to be a winning
proposition... He just couldn't do it. Not face to face, anyway. "Okay... But we
can't take it on the first trip. I'll come back for it."
"Yay! And my clothes. I can't go around in a fuku all the time."
Damien nodded fervently.(52)
---
Kimberli had a plan. It was not an evil plan, however, much to the relief of the
readers who had been getting more than a few of those since, well, Chris came up
with the Impro Inquisition idea.(53)
She stared at the iceberg out on the beach, still unmelted. About 1/3 the way
up, there was a wide, level space that was almost perfectly parallel to the
ground. The light BINGed on above her head.
"Hey, everyone! Let's go ice skating!"
This suggestion probably would have gone completely unheeded, except that Lurker
had just downed a whole FMV... without burping.(54) In addition to his
intestines not feeling all that well, he tended to add words to things:
"Hey, everyone! Let's go ice skating! Kristi Yamaguchi's out there naked!"
Lurker immediately shouted, "I'll go!"
And thusly did another thing begin.
---
It is not a commonly known fact, but aircraft carriers can really MOVE if they
need to. In fact, some of them have enough engine power to make their front ends
skip out of the water. On occasion, a feisty pilot(55) will decide to have a bit
of fun and do s-curves coming out of San Diego harbor. It's all a big show, of
course, for the people out in yachts; its amazing to see a multi-thousand ton
vehicle weaving back and forth, it's front end bouncing slightly on top of the
water, and very often moving faster than they could ever get their primo piece
of marinetechnology to. See it zig and zag as it leaves the smaller boats behind
to ride up and down in its wake, and then stare dumbfounded as they float in
that oddly flat patch of sea that slowly fades away as the carrier disappears in
the distance.(56)
Of course, once you get out to sea, those Navy boys get down to the real
business of being military sailors... But we won't go into that now, because
there might be children reading. Let's just say that they don't push those
nuclear engines to the max because there's no point in showing off to the few
birds that get out that far, and by this point, the natives on any islands of
the Pacific don't care what the Americans might be doing in their huge flat-
topped ships.(57)
Yep, they get out to sea, and it's same old, same old... nothing to see, nothing
to really do... just normal, day-to-day operations.
Of course, due to a country-wide ban on the use of nuclear weapons or power of
any sort,(58) the USS Enterprise wasn't anywhere near New Zealand. The ship was
roughly 2000 miles south-east of Honolulu, 500 miles north of the equator and
1500 miles due east of Christmas Island.(59)
At those depths, even a tsunami isn't going to do much more than raise the
surface a few dozen feet; the only waves you'll get are those caused by the
wind.(60)
A 200 foot high fan-tail of water, seemingly headed straight towards them was
not, in-any-way-shape-or-form "expected."
Thankfully, it missed by about 15 feet. The crew of the Enterprise would spend
the next 6 hours trying to figure out what had happened, as well as praying, as
one, that the ship wouldn't come close to capsizing again.
"Hey!" Phoebe shouted in Damien's ear. "Did we just pass something?"(61)
[Oh, good,] Damien thought, [Something else to think about.] He was trying
really hard, honest, to focus on his pedaling... but there really was only so
many times of examining how the right and left legs went around before his mind
wandered and he realized that someone female had her arms around his neck, her
legs pinned to his sides and her chest pressed rather hard against his back.
It was expected, of course, she'd fall off otherwise... but he'd never really
been this close to a girl like this before.
Still, rather than say something to prolong the conversation(62) he answered
honestly: "I don't think so."
Realizing his error - [My God, man! TALK to the girl!] - he gritted his teeth,
hoped that Phoebe wouldn't feel cold all of the sudden,(63) and wondered if he
could strike up a conversation.
---
*FFFT* Eslington blew on what looked somewhat like a fusebox. Dust spewed forth
and, as dust usually does, immediately collected in his sinuses. This caused
problems breathing, and generally threw his sense of sight, smell, and hearing
off.
By the time they somewhat cleared, he had hyperventilated enough to be as high
as a crackhead with 14 hits of LSD. [Hmm,] he wondered, peering through tear-
blurred eyes at the thing that was not quite like a fusebox. [I wonder if these
are the controls.]
Behind him, the BOX lurched.
There was a large sign above the box saying "DANGER: DO NOT REVERSE
POLARITY,"(64) but he didn't see that. His hand wavered over the large switch
with the small label "TO REVERSE POLARITY, FLIP BACK AND FORTH A FEW TIMES".(65)
He couldn't see that one either, but he instead pushed the small off-white
button.
There was a deep rumbling...
... and part of the wall fell away to reveal the controls to the house's
VECTORED-THRUST JETS.(66)
---
"ImproSlut!"
Illyria turned towards the speaker. "ImproGigolo!"(67) she cried.
Ravi smiled and the two of them waggled eyebrows in a knowing way. Everyone else
ignored them.(68)
"Hey!" Ravi said, "We should put our amazing LoveCalculator(69) powers to the
test."
"How so?" Kirsten's curiosity was piqued.
Ravi grinned. "Three hours. We hit as many nightclubs in San Diego as we can."
"You're on! We can call a limo to come take us."
---
(70)
"...and that's when I decided to drop my history major. Oh, we're here."(71)
"WAI!" Phoebe jumped off the bike. "Thank you for bringing me, Damien-kun! And
thanks for the conversation! And the really neat bike ride! And for going back
to get my stuff like you're going to soon! And, like everything! See you round,
kay?" And she kissed him on the cheek and dashed inside the house, screaming.
"I'M HERE! I'M HERE! YOU CAN HAVE FUN NOW!!!"
Damien touched his cheek. "...wow."(72)
---
Jake Wallace, annoyed at being forgotten by the previous authors, went on a
murderous rampage.
At least, he tried to go on one, but found that his admin status didn't allow
him to possess the weapons required to do so.(73)
So he left, quickly getting beyond the radius of safety around Chez Impro, and
went on a murderous rampage amongst the people of San Diego.
Blade, hiding out in the bushes near the Chez saw him go... and got slightly
confused.
[Hmm... that half-crazed look. That aura of "I've Got Some Power".(74) That walk
of determination. Could it be Epsi...] He cringed, but no invisible hand whapped
him. [...He can't read my thoughts from this far! It _must_ be him!... In
disguise of course.]
Blade followed after Jake Wallace.
---
Damien grabbed a Mountain Dew and drained it. "Ahh... that hits the spot." He
looked around. Despite slightly more damage, it didn't seem all that different
from when he left... Still insane.(75) He watched Phoebe start talking to people
about something. He vaguely remembered hearing the words "Evil Plan (tm)" come
out of Phoebe's mouth on the ride over.(76)
"Well! Better go get her stuff." He hoisted his bike and was off.(77)
---
Aaron Shattuck always found real cars somewhat boring. They didn't make enough
sounds. So he tended to put extra sounds in himself.
Many San Diegites(78) dodged out of the way and wondered why a chauffeur was
making bloodcurdling shrieks and screeching metal noises at the top of his
lungs.
Suddenly, something broke through his pathetic attempt to be Michael
Winslow.(79) Something was ringing. It appeared to be the phone at his side.
Now, normally, when a person talks on a celphone, their chances of getting in an
accident are roughly the same as when they're inebriated.(80)
With Aaron, that probably didn't matter a whole lot.
"You've got a pickup!" the voice on the other end shouted after he figured out
which end went against his ear.
"Umm. Okay. But I thought this was a limousine."
"Nevermind that! Go to this address." And the address was given.
Aaron listened to that. "Hey. I know where that is."(81)
---
nihility grabbed Calculus. For a brief moment, the jailbait, er... youthful
admin was thankful to be dragged away from the clutches of H.(82) Then he heard
those words that caused his frozen-water-is-unnatural-I-live-in-Southern-
California-where-things-like-that-just-don't-happen(83) self to quiver with
fear:
"You need to prove your manliness, dude. Time to snowboard."
"Y'know," Calc said a few minutes later, perched atop a snowboard at the summit
of the iceberg. "I'm really not into this sort of thing."
Aaron smiled as he finished tightening the bindings. "You'll do fine."
"Yup," nihility said. "It's really simple. Just go that way, really fast," he
pointed down the sloap, "If something gets in your way, turn."(84) He patted
Calc on the back.
"I'm not so sure about thi-iiiiiiii!!!!!" Calc's sentence became a cry, as
nihility's pat on the back sent him over the edge.
It must be admitted, for the first time snowboarding, and being on what would
probably be called Double-Black-Diamond by most people(85) it wasn't that bad of
an effort. He even managed to stay upright for a few seconds.
But the fact must be faced that, well, Calc sucked at snowboarding. He was all
set to finish his first run on the slopes by doing nothing more than getting to
the bottom, skidding across the beach, and letting the sand shred the bottom of
the $400 board.(86)
He was saved from economic hardship, however, by Lurker.
Out on the relatively flat ice, Kimberli was attempting to show the entirely
pasted Lurker how to ice skate.(87) She was getting just slightly annoyed by the
difficulty of getting someone whose hand-eye coordination was going completely
down the toilet to keep balanced on two thin blades.
Lurker, his attention span becoming microscopic, forgot who Kimberli was, and
instead saw Kristi Yamaguchi dressed up like Misty from Pokemon. He leaped to
glomp...
...and proved that drunk hentai don't aim well.
At RIGHT that very moment, Calc came by at not quite breakneck speed.
Lurker ran into him. Momentum carried the two over the side of the iceberg.
"WHAAAAAAAGH!!!!"
"Ouch," nihility winced. "That's gotta hurt."
"Yup." Aaron said. "Race you to the bottom."
"You're on."
---
Roe looked at Stephica. Stephica looked at Roe. "Sooo.." they said
simultaneously.
Roe grinned. "You go first."
Stephica shook her head, "No, you."
Roe opened his mouth, closed it, coughed, scratched the back of his head, looked
away, looked at his shoes, looked back at Steph, and opened his mouth again.
"Well..." he began.
"NII-CHAAAAAAAAN!!!!!"
"Oof!" Roe grunted, propelled to the ground by a Super Special Tackle Hug. He
looked up at his attacker, who had clambered to her feet and was doing a happy
little dance. "Sis? Hey, when did you get here? This is great!"
"Yup, just now, and isn't it?" Phoebe giggled, hugging Stephica as she circled
the room like a sugar-charged superball. "Nii-chan! Is it true I can't have
weapons?"
Roe nodded. "That's Woofer's rule. We all think it's dumb, but it's his house,
so we let him get away with it. I get Hammer Space etc access though. And I have
a few special surprises tucked away there, and..." his brain caught up up with
his ears. "Wait, why do you want weapons anyway?"
Phoebe giggled again. "I got Plans! EVIL Plans! But number one..." She reached
up and whispered in Roe's ear. His face contorted with horror. "What? Phoebe-
chan, that's disgusting! It's immoral! It's inhumane! You want me to betray a
good and trustworthy friend in the service of your own twisted vengeance! How
could you possibly believe I'd have any part in this horrible scheme?"
Phoebe giggled a third time. "Cos once Damien gets back here with my luggage, I
have a nice SHINY limited edition Saber Marionette J poster to give you?"
"I'm in!"
"Coolness! Okay, now first of all I need you to talk to the rest of the Family.
Then I need another admin, say, Cal. I've got an Amelia plushie I can give him.
Illyria, Omi-chan and anyone else you think of. Evans-san and Chaos-chan would
be cool too! If they don't agree, ask them to at least be quiet about it. If
they don't agree to that, hit them on the head and lock them in a closet
somewhere. Secrecy is absolutely essential. Now, get to it!"
Roe nodded, turned on his heel and headed off. Then he paused. "And what are you
going to do while I'm doing all the hard work?"
Phoebe grinned and flourished a frost-encrusted tub. "I shall have fun eating
icecream! Wai!"(88)
---
Ravi stared at the limo that had come up to the house... almost literally. "It
seems a little the worse for wear."
"Shutup and get in," Illyria pushed at him. "It was the cheapest I could find."
"But isn't the chauffeur supposed to help us in?"
"Cheapest, remember?" Illyria tapped her foot politely.
"Right, right." Ravi held open the door for her, then followed her inside.
"Where to?" the voice up front asked.
"The hottest nightspot in town!" Illyria exclaimed.
Aaron thought for a moment. [Didn't I see a fire somewhere?](89)
And the car did leave Chez Impro.
---
Eslington's vision had begun to clear. he fumbled around in the small alcove and
pulled out... A NES Advantage joystick. He looked on both sides, but couldn't
seem to see the ignition switch, or anything that could be construed as such, so
he put that down and looked further. His ran his hand along a few switches, and
then found one slightly larger. He peered in the dim light at it.
"Aha!" he cried. "It's the ignition switch."
The BOX lurched.
Eslington FINALLY noticed it. He turned, and saw this massive... BOX f a l l
slowly towards him. He screamed.
It fell on him and his fingers caught on something.(90)
For a moment, the overturned BOX with the Englishman's body beneath it were
silent, then, a shout:
"Dear GOD! What is this thing touching me?(91)
---
A freshly cleaned up Nick made an announcement. "Hey! Let's have a Gran Turismo
tournament."
One of the gamers in front of the Playstation looked at him.(92) "Can you play
Dan in that?"
Nick sweatdropped. "Umm... No, but you can be in a Dodge Viper."
"Denied!" And the gamer went back to gaming.
Nick would have continued(93) but something interrupted him.
Save for the people who passed it off for an earthquake(94) the D E E P rumbling
had everyone's attention.
Then everything lurched slightly, and even the earthquake believers had to take
notice.(95)
---
Todd looked at Dan. "Did you hear something?"(96)
Dan shrugged. "I'll go take a look." He poked his head out the back of the
Ragnarok. "Umm..."
"What is it?" Todd asked.
"I think... you'd better come see this."
Todd ambled over and stood next to Dan. "Oh... shit.(97) Where DID our parking
space go?"
Sure enough, Chez Impro, as well as not a small portion of the surrounding
landscape was missing. The house, the foundation, a good part of the beach, the
iceberg, Fatman's amazing game complex(98) even a little bit of the road out
front. There it was, gone.(99)
This did not make Todd happy.
"Umm, Todd-kun," Dan said three minutes later as they floated above San Diego.
Todd had a dangerous look in his eyes. "What is it, dear?"
"Don't you think you might be overreacting?"
The people on the street looked up at the flying metal locust from hell. Some of
them screamed in fright. Most just had a single syllable thought in their
heads.(100) They watched it slowly float over them. It paused briefly over
Qualcomm Stadium, but only briefly, then moved on.
"Here," Todd said, pointing down. "Here is where I shall extract my revenge.
{tasogare yori mo kuraki mono / chi no nagare yori akaki mono}..."
"Er... Todd-kun, is this really necessarry?"
"{toki no nagare ni uzumore shi / idai na nanji no na ni oite / ware, koko ni
yami ni chikawan}..."
Dan realized that the loudspeakers were on. Hundreds of people had gathered and
were staring up that the sleek, red vessel.
"Hey! I can understand that," one onlooker shouted.(101)
"{warera ga mae ni tachi fusagari shi / subete no oroka naru mono ni / ware to
nanji ga chikara mote / hitoshiku horobi o ataen koto o!}..."
A tenseness settled in the air. The sort of precognition that hits you when you
know something is about to happen, and even know WHAT that something is(102)
even though you have never experienced it before.
"DRAGU SLAVE!!!!"(103)
And with that the University of California, San Diego(104) campus went up in a
bright ball of orange-white light, proving once and for all that, despite
beliefs to the otherwise, university buildings can actually burn.(106)
(107)
---
The suitcase hit the ground with a thump. "No..." The various other bags and
packages soon fell to the ground with it. "No." And then the bike. "NO!"(108)
Damien Roc fell to his knees, tears streaming from his eyes. He clawed
desperately at the sand of the beach. "I had JUST found her!"
He sniffed, blinking as if it would deny the reality, but to no avail; Chez
Impro was gone.
Off in the distance, the deep boom of an explosion sounded.
"Well," he said, rising to his feet. "There's nothing I can do about it, now.
But I swear, I did _not_ spend my time over the last 10 parts looking for Phoebe
only to lose her - and the rest of the ImproGirls, and the ImproGuys, and Chez
Impro - NOW. Somehow, someway, I will find Chez Impro and actually take part in
the party. This I do swear, because everyone, Twoflower, Woofer, Delfina, Ravi,
Phoebe, everyone should have fun at the party, and I want to take part in that
fun.
"No matter how long, how far I have to travel, I will find them. I will be
there, and I will do so before the end of the Impro Party. With God as my
witness, I will NOT be defeated."
A wave crashed behind him.(109)
(110)
Then he ripped a hole in temporal space, dumped Phoebe's gear in, and was
off.(111)
---
In Washington state, Chris Pascual(112) laughed. He was surrounded by a circle
of dark figures(113)
"Leave us, will you?" he cackled. "Leave for the warmer skies of Arizona? Is
Washington not good enough? Are we not your friends. WE ARE YOUR REAL
FRIENDS!"(114)
The figures nodded their approval.(115)
"Jeff Petersen(116), you shall continue to pay for slighting us."(117)
---
Somewhere, the God of Plot Development smiled with approval.
***
Starring:
DamienRoc looking for Chez Impro
Chris: Chez Impro
W4: Chez Impro
Iron Chef Chen Kenichi: Chez Impro
Nick: Chez Impro
Anko: Chez Impro
Yun Cheolsu: Chez Impro
BlackMage: Chez Impro
Kate Malloy: Chez Impro
Twoflower: Chez Impro
Squall: Chez Impro
Hottcoffee: Chez Impro
H (Myth): Chez Impro
Tameran: Chez Impro
Stephica: Chez Impro
Omi no Miko: Chez Impro
Delfina: Chez Impro
Phoebe: Chez Impro
Ardweden: Chez Impro
Kieth Richards: Chez Impro
Ura: Chez Impro
Roe: Chez Impro
Jess: Chez Impro
Chaos: Chez Impro
Lusipher: Chez Impro - Wearing Jonatan's Coat
Zombie Elvis: Under Chez Impro
Kimberli: Out on the Iceberg
Calculus: Outside Chez Impro
Eternal Lost Lurker: Outside Chez Impro - On top of Calc
Lawrence: still Lurking
Rain: near Chez Impro looking for slingshot
Wang Tu Chun near Chez Impro in the van
Eslington: SLID - under the BOX
Jonatan: SLID-In the BOX (nekkid)
Epsilon: SLID-In the BOX (nekkid
NeoVid: GGG
Fatman: GGG
Aaron: The beach
nihility (Eric): The beach
(118)
Illyria: In a Limo
Ravi: In a Limo
Aaron Shattuck: driving the Limo
Jake: On a rampage thru San Diego
Blade: Following Jake Wallace
Mecha Tom Green: San Diego
Todd: onboard Ragnarok - Above UCSD
Dan: onboard Ragnarok - Above UCSD
(119)
Dragon: being the Impro taxi
Random: the Impro Taxi
Katy: the Impro Taxi
(120)
***
Footnotes:
(1) storage, one below the roof
(2) Translated from Japanese.
(3) Somewhat true. Although I have written a fanfic in Japanese that should, at
some point, be posted on my website... It's not that great, IMO, but Phoebe
calls it "Totemo Kawaii".(121)
(4) If you've gotten this far you probably understand the footnote part.
(5) 20 point reference... tho if you're actually reading ahead to the notes,
you've got to finish first.
(6) John Evans, Nick Mar... dammit, I can never remember how to pronounce it.
(7) This was a line I thought up to open Ultra. Back during the time I was
annoyed with how the whole Cloud thing was going. I'm still annoyed, but I'm
shutting up about it, generally... It should be noted that I don't dislike
Cloud, just what he was doing to the Ultra story.
(8) For continuity purposes, this scene takes place before the final scene of
the previous part.
(9) Like supernatural, only a lot more so.
(10) This nickname was started by Illy, herself. This author means no slight
against this wonderful young lady by using it here.
(11) From Furniture Warriors. If you don't read it, you should... and you should
sign up, too.
(12) However, if you WOULD like to see said show, go check out ImproParty part
9: 'Things to do in Sweden When You're Nuts'.
(13) Third up from the bottom.
(14) The RUTILUS BUTONUS GIGANTICUS is the most common of these life forms, but
the RUTILUS BUTONUS CHIBIUS have been sighted at times. Common to all RUTILUS
BUTONII, the CHIBIUS has the trait of demanding to be pressed by certain females
of homo sapiens... especially cute ones.
(15) However, it should be noted that Joel Shumacher liked the effect, and
wanted to use it for the next Batman film.(122)
(16) I really hope I don't have to point out what happened.(123)
(17) Yes, I know that it was a crate before. Sue me.
(18) Untrue. Epsilon's in there... and Jonatan, actually.
(19) From UHF.(124)
(20) This is roughly the same distance as it is from Phoenix to Chicago.
(21) Petersen, K. Jeffery, "The Discovery and Initial Exploration of New
Zealand" (125)
(22) It should be mentioned that this is _not_ true in Real Life. We are only
talking about the incarnation of Damien Roc that exists in this fic. The real
one hasn't been any further south than Texas in his life.
(23) Japan has, I believe, about 150 million people. New Zealand has 3.5.(126)
(24) Morrison, Grant, "Kill Your Boyfriend" (DC Comics, 1998) p. 58(127)
(25) Unknown,(128) "The Hitchhikers Guide to New Zealand"(129)
(26) 15000 miles of coastline... thank God he isn't going along all of it, like
Cook did.
(27) The geography here is roughly accurate, actually.(130)
(28) Smith, Karen.(131) Sent in via IRC or ICQ or something.
(29) This scene was written by The Savior of Impro.
(30) Odd thing to be.
(31) He uses this excuse a lot in the chatroom.
(32) Tho he does this only in the metaphoric sense.
(33) Good dodge.
(34) ROTFL. AND he manages to make himself look good.
(35) Purposefully capitalized. Short for "Damien's Great Phoebe Quest" for
anyone who doesn't know.
(36) Technically, this is OOC for Phoebe, but she did note that she says things
on Impulse,(132) on occasion.(133)
(37) This scene written by NickM.
(38) Someone noted that this seems more like the turing machine's thought
process than BM's. I can't really tell the difference, except that the turing
machine uses z's in place of s's.
(39) This scene written by Phoebe.
(40) Phoebe... naked. H_H(134)
(41) Only in his mind, as proven elsewhere, no time passes at ImproParty.
(42) I can't really speak this fast.
(43) This sounds strangely like "Will you go out with me." At least I can hear
myself saying it in a similar tone of voice.(135)
(44) This scene written by The Savior of Impro.
(45) John is totally cool for mentioning this... he's totally cool for other
reasons, too, but this just adds to that.
(46) I don't get this nickname.
(47) Of course, in the game of ImproWriting, JE is, so far, the one sole
winner.(136)
(48) Phoebe would like to say that this is extremely kawaii, and if such a flag
exists, she wants one.
(49) I surmise that this nummy stuff is bishounen in nature(137)
(50) This geography may not be completely accurate, but the last time I was in
San Diego was probably pre-memory.
(51) LA, however, I go to once a year for Anime Expo.
(52) These last two lines added by Phoebe.
(53) Episode 4.
(54) This caused his intestines to hurt.(138)
(55) For those who don't know, pilot is also the term for a person controlling a
boat.
(56) Oddly enough, this isn't entirely inaccurate. I've got a friend who used to
be on the Enterprise, and he mentioned something very similar happening as the
boat left a harbor.(139) I think, however, that they got less powerful engines
at one point.
(57) This, however, is all from my head. Can't you tell?
(58) True, IIRC. The French blew up a Greenpeace ship in Auckland Harbor in 1986
due to this in some way... or that might have been for something else, but it
happened.(140)
(59) This geography gotten as I stared at the map inside the front cover of a
book of mine. I didn't have an accurate measure.
(60) Not technically true. Waves will happen, just not the ones with the crests
we associate with them. In deep ocean, waves usually have a rising falling
motion, but the water itself doesn't move all that much, unlike a river where
the form of the water is actually pretty constant, but it moves along that
form.(141)
(61) Technically speaking, they were below sea level at this point. The force of
air pressure created by Damien moving the bike at such a speed pushed the water
away from them. Had he really wanted, he could actually have ridden at any depth
and still been dry... he may not have been able to breathe for very long,
however.(142)
(62) For which his mother would have chastised him.
(63) For two reasons.
(64) From RETURN TO THE FORBIDDEN PLANET, a musical with lots of 50s tunes. I
saw it twice in London.
(65) Hey, it has to work on something, right?
(66) Actually not a whole lot, really. Just the ignition switch and a NES
Advantage joystick... and various other goodies that might or might not be used
in future chapters.
(67) As with the ImproSlut thing, Ravi does not have a problem with this
moniker.
(68) Because this was quite normal compared to most things at the ImproParty.
(69) The thought strikes me that I might be the OnlyOne who does this TwoWords
together, both of them capitalized thing... at least on a RegularBasis.
(70) This scene written by Phoebe.
(71) This is a complete fiction... While I do talk to everyone, at length, about
my college career, it usually only happens online. So I wouldn't REALLY be
speaking like this... I think. *sigh*
(72) It would be either this or I'd fall unconscious... since that would throw
off the plot, this is good. WAI! I'm written IC!
(73) Like the Reverse Positronic Fembleen Accellerator and other cool techie
stuff.
(74) Bonus points to anyone who can say which footage the Otakon 97/98 Music
Video to "I've Got the Power" was done to.
(75) This was Not True (tm), but I'd never get an award for my observation
skills.
(76) And, nice as those words had sounded, he had a couple of other things on
his mind that he was desperately trying to ignore at the time.
(77) Just for variety, he tried doing s-curves on the way out of San Diego, but
a bike lacks the mass of an aircraft carrier, so it's not quite so impressive.
(78) That or San Diegoites... or maybe San Diegotians.
(79) From the Police Acadamy movies. He was also in Spaceballs.
(80) True. I believe talking on a celphone increases the chances of an accident
by 400%.
(81) It could be argued that I'm writing Mr. Shattuck OOC here... I think Mr.
Shattuck was OOC from birth.
(82) Whether he wanted to be removed from said clutches is a different matter
entirely.
(83) Untrue in RL. Calc's from Minnesota, so he likes snow. I don't care.
(84) From Better Off Dead.
(85) Either that or "are you INSANE???"
(86) This would have gotten nihility on his case for the next 17 years.
Eventually, they would have married, with a pre-nup signed stating the reasons
for the marriage and that divorce was not possible until Calc paid back the
money... By the time he did, they were used to each other, and stayed
married.(143)
(87) And to dodge his glomps.
(88) HA! the Line lives on.(144)
(89) I doubt whether or not he did matters much to the plot, but I'm leaving it
to the next author to figure out.
(90) The ignition switch, if you didn't know already.
(91) To be followed up with, more quietly, "Am I naked?"
(92) 2F, but I'm not mentioning him by name.
(93) And continued to fail to convince, as his most willing partner in the
endeavor of starting a GT tournament(145) was not there.
(94) W4, Calc, Lus, BM, some other Californiates I'm forgetting.
(95) Unless they wanted to pass off a 9.5(146) on the Richter scale as normal.
(96) Note he did not say "Did you smell something" which completely destroys my
attempt to put a WWF reference in this part.
(97) And, unfortunately, I couldn't think of any way to get the Enterprise from
the mid-Pacific to San Diego, so I can't put in an El Dorado reference, either.
(98) Whatever it was called.
(99) Damn... I can't remember what I took that from. Some British cartoon I saw
as a kid. Santa(147) would have said that line.
(100) "Huh?"
(101) Then started sprinting away when he realized what was being said.
(102) It's usually a Very Bad Thing(tm)
(103) English Translation of the spell: Darkness from twilight, crimson from
blood that flows; buried in the flow of time; in Thy great name, I pledge myself
to darkness! Those who oppose us shall be destroyed by the power you and I
possess! DRAGON SLAVE!!!!(148)
(104) Todd is the method of my revenge. They rejected my application. The
bastards.
(105) Fnord.
(106) Actually, the belief doesn't extend to all university buildings. Just
dorms. Dorms are widely believed to be impervious to heat and fire(149) due to
the materials used in their construction.(150)
(107) Todd and Dan may be OOC. I make no other excuse than that.
(108) I had wanted to write up an X-Men reference here, from Annual 12(151) but
I don't have any copies available. It would have been that bit where Colossus
hears about the destruction of the Fall People.
(109) Good anime-esque effect, ne?
(110) If I'd wanted to, I could have put in "If you smellalalalala-ow! What the
ROC! is cookin'!" here, for the obligatory WWF reference. But I didn't, so
there.
(111) And thusly did Damien's Second Great Phoebe(152) Quest begin.
(112) The Living Incarnation of UY's Megane; Master of Most Things Dark, and A
Few Things That Aren't; Scholar of the God of Plot Development.
(113) The Gods of Somewhat Annoying Intent(153)
(114) Okay, I do get a WWF reference.
(115) Although they were a little worried. Chris happened to be showing them up.
(116) Damien Roc's RL name.
(117) Okay, a bit of explanation for this scene. Chris doesn't have it out for
me. I'm just writing this because it seems a slightly OOC, but Chris-y thing to
do. An homage to a great friend of mine as it were. While I don't think he'd
mind becoming an outside influence to the Party, it might throw things off. And
I'm going back home, anyway, so I'll get back in his good graces, anyway.
(118) All of the aforementioned people are on what could be called "The Chez
Impro Complex" They are all gone, as are all the related things they might have
been on top of. I conglomerated them to make it easier.
(119) All of the aforementioned people are in San Diego.
(120) Y'know... I don't know where they are. ^^;;;
(121) "Extremely Cute" for those of you uneducated ones.
(122) I cringe at the concept.
(123) But if everyone insists, Jonatan disappeared and ended up in the crate
with Epsilon.(154)
(124) The Wheel of Fish scene.
(125) This was actually the first note I thought up for this fic. I had three.
Now look at it.
(126) However, NZ has about 60 million sheep.
(127) Truth be told, Morrison was talking about New Zealand as a whole, but it
works out better this way.
(128) Unknown because I don't want to try and find the site again.
(129) Phoebe would like to point out that Wellington is in fact a fantastic city
and that Damien should have read the IceTV Guide to Life instead of that stupid
Hitchhiker thing. The IceTV Guide to Life can be purchased at most New Zealand
bookstores.(3.14)
(130) I'm assuming that, because Phoebe didn't correct me on this part, that I
am in fact correct.
(131) Phoebe.(155) I have no idea if that's really her last name.
(132) Who, it should be noted, is an incredibly cool comic book character.(156)
(133) She's also smarter than me.
(134) I assume she would hit me for that. Consider me WHOMPed.
(135) I actually had something different in mind to say for this footnote,(157)
but changed it.
(136) Phoebe knows that John is going to be modest about the previous footnote,
and so she hereby mallets him. Negative reinforcement - try it today!
(137) Phoebe would like to point out that she is not cruel, and would never cram
a whole bishounen into a suitcase. Parts of him are okay.
(138) Sluggy Freelance reference.
(139) I did embellish somewhat.
(140) Phoebe would like to say - those French bastards! The two secret agents
that did it got *medals* once they returned home! For blowing up an
international vessel in Auckland Harbour(158) and killing a man, they got
medals. And don't forget the testing on Mururoa Atoll! And, more recently, the
French rugby team beat New Zealand in the World Cup semi-final! A travesty, we
say! At least the South Africans had the decency to provide us with an excuse by
poisoning the players' food! Yay, All Blacks! Boo, France!
(141) This, roughly, taken from John Wesley Powell's THE EXPLORATION OF THE
COLORADO RIVER AND ITS CANYONS.
(142) No, this could not really happen. Neither can a guy ride a bike across
multi-thousand miles of ocean in a few hours.
(143) Calc wanted me to remove this part. I told him that I wouldn't. But I did
change it slightly.
(144) Of course, by now I'm resigned to the fact that that one line will be more
influential to Ultra than my entire part.
(145) Damien Roc
(146) The fact that that is similar to the number of that footnote is complete
coincidence.
(147) And there's your seasonal reference for this part.
(148) I've chosen to put Dragon Slave instead of Dragu Slave for the English
translation(159)
(149) They pass heat along to their occupants.(160)
(150) No, nothing mystical. Just metal and brick, usually.
(151) The Evolutionary War.
(152) And the other ImproGirls, and the ImproGuys, and Chez Impro, actually.
(153) The Gods of Evil Intent were out on vacation(161)
(154) In order to offset the transfer, Epsilon's clothes were ported back to the
attic.
(155) I'd like to say that I think Karen is an incredibly cool name.
(156) I don't think the phrase "on Impulse" is supposed to have any ecchi
connotations to it.
(157) "She wrote this, not me, so get those smiles off of your faces."
(158) With a 'u', Damien.(162)
(159) Both it and the Japanese taken from www.inverse.org
(160) The cold, as well.
(161) Or still tormenting Illmater, we're not sure which.
(162) Gomen nasai. I'm going to continue messing that up, aren't I?
(163) This is the last footnote.(163)
***
Author's Note or "How I Discovered Zen."
Whew! It's done... well, except for the formatting and spellchecking, it's done.
Apologies for the delay in getting it done. I had a ton of schoolwork this
previous week, including a paper, don't you know, that I had to footnote. ^_^
(The paper is the one listed in footnote 21.)
When I sat down to first start this, I had NO idea what to do. So I begged on
the chatroom for people to send in stuff. John Evans contributed a scene (the
second one in the progression of events) and then another. Nick also offered to
write up his idea so I didn't have to. I'm grateful. My original purpose was to
get Phoebe to the house and work with her on getting her Evil Plan in motion.
And to figure out what new "schtick" to have for my character. Somewhere along
the way, the various suggestions clicked, and I had an idea for what to do with
the rest of the part... The footnote idea just sort of popped into my head and I
ran with it. (and Oh did I run. ^_^) I guess I could chalk it up to my liking of
Terry Pratchett's footnotes in the Discworld novels.
A few of the people who read this at various stages commented "I think there's a
few too many footnotes". At the time, there were only about 40 or 50 or so. I
said my primary goal was to get people to ask "Why is he telling me this?" The
answer, of course, is that "If you've asked the question, you know the answer."
I think it was Todd who said "That's very Zen." And thus the title was born. Of
course, I had the secondary title picked out first, and it actually has to do
with the overall plot.
No, I won't tell you what it's a reference to here... I do take bribes, however.
This is the longest ImproParty piece yet. It's also my longest ImproFanfic part.
(However, if I took out the footnotes and the stuff that other people wrote, it
probably wouldn't be.)
It's been fun, but my eyes hurt. I swear my next ImproParty part (shoot, maybe
even my next Impro part of any sort) is going to be 3k long...
I fear what Ultra's going to be like.
-Damien Roc
who is very grateful to Phoebe
(3.14) That does a LOT of good to the rest of us