Requiem For The Soul By Phoebe ImproParty created by whatever Woofer wants to call himself today ^_^ "Oh when we're dancing- I catch my breath, I catch my breath In the middle of a dance with you." - Naked Flame, Dave Dobbyn. "So just kiss me and let my hair messy itself in your fingers" - So Just Kiss Me, Jewel Kilcher. "You are my soul, soul! Itsumo sugu soba ni aru!" - Arashi, Arashi. Chez Impro is normally a noisy place. With over 40 otaku, not to mention the various animals, celebrities and undead, making the place their (now mobile!) home, it could hardly be avoided. Today, it was... well, not silent. Still rather noisy, actually. But the cheesy fighting game music had been replaced by the sober sound of church bells, voices usually raised in taunting or manic laughter were restricted to sobs and occasional screams of "Why, Woofer, why?" and the constant low drone of various technological devices had been substituted for the low drone of Twoflower delivering a eulogy. "... and so we await the day when superior technology will return you to us," he concluded, surveying the otaku crowded onto the low plateau of the iceberg. "Failing this, old friend, we are comforted in the knowledge that you, of all people, have surely achieved entrance into Otakuland, for your unfailing devotion to spreading creamy otaku goodness everywhere." The undisputed Master of Impro nodded at Kimberli, encased in the head of her recently acquired mecha. Kimberli nodded back and thanked her lucky stars that she'd finally worked out the controls for what she was about to do. Moving with extreme care, she pushed the final button and waited. The mecha knelt and placed one hand parallel to the ice. What resembled a large corkscrew descended from its palm and bored into the iceberg. Within seconds a hole, six feet deep had been excised. Kimberli breathed a sigh of relief and moved her mecha away from the hole, paying particular attention to where she placed its feet. Roe, Calculus, Dan and Twoflower approached the mini-crevice, bearing a coffin between them. They gently lowered it into the hole and stood proudly as the opening chords of 'Hill of the Rainbow and the Sun' rang out. As the final notes died into the stillness, the otaku began to disperse. Twoflower sighed and turned to Coldfury. "Another game of Marvel versus Street Fighter?" he suggested. "This time, I'll kick your ass. In Woofer's memory, of course." ColdFury posed... furiously. "The legend that is Taunting Godhead Stone ColdFury will not be beaten by the number two Dan Fan, which is yourself!" he declared, manly forearm shaking in manly outrage. "No, he shall fight! He shall kick! He shall punch! He shall taunt! And he shall TRI- hey, wait!" Phoebe watched the pair go with thoughtful eyes, then turned to face Delfina and Ardweden, standing beside her. "Well, Itoko-chan-tachi, are we ready to go?" she asked. Ardweden frowned. "Are we still going ahead with the EVIL plan?" she asked. "After you ki- I mean after Woofer died and everything?" Phoebe nodded and wiped a suspicious patch of moisture from her eye. "Yes,' she replied. "I think it's the least I can do. After all, it's what Woofer would have wanted." There wasn't much to say to that, so Delfina and Ardweden just nodded and walked into the house. Phoebe followed them, then paused. "Steph-chan," she called, running after the older girl. "Wait up! Steph-chan, can you help me out with something?" Stephica turned around. "Why?" she asked bluntly. "You haven't spoken to me since you got here. And because of your stupid plan, Roe won't even talk to me, and I was forced to try and make him jealous!" She glanced at the admin, who was still standing by the grave. Phoebe nodded. "I know. I'm really sorry, and I'll make it up to you! Honest!" she apologised sincerely. "But will you help? Please?" Stephica glanced at Roe again and smiled. It wasn't a very nice smile. "Of course, Phoebe-chan," she purred. "But I will require a substantial fee for my... services." * * * * * For a brief second, Calculus was able to shut out the increasingly louder taunting coming from the Dan Fan pair behind him, his attention taken up by the large screen in front of him. A Clone-O-Matic 3000. Guaranteed to replicate your nearest and dearest. Sure, it hadn't been tested on the recently deceased yet, but Calculus was sure that could be worked out. There was only one catch... Dan (Wood) walked by, obviously intent on some nefarious deed, when Calculus reached out and caught him by the leg. "Why, Cal, this is all so sudden!" Dan grinned. Calculus pointed at the TV. "Look," he requested. Dan frowned. "Wheel of Fortune. So?" "Look at that prize. If we win that, we can bring Woofer back!" Dan's eyes gleamed as he realised the possibilities inherent in this idea. "Yes... Woofer..." he replied thoughtfully. "So! Let's go now!" Calculus cast a reluctant glance over his shoulder. "I'm kind of involved in something else right now," he explained. "But you should go, yeah. You and Todd, maybe?" Dan pouted. "Todd's still mad at me for messing with the controls. So is almost everyone else. But I'll find someone... Hey, Delfina!" The girl looked up from her spot by a computer. "Huh?" "You and me and the Ragnorak are going to the Wheel of Fortune set! Now!" Delfina looked at Calculus uncertainly. "Um... I was kinda busy..." "No excuses!" Dan scolded, grabbing her arm. "This is for Woofer, after all!" Delfina shrugged, resigned. "Whatever." "Wai!" Dan cheered. "But you are *not* driving. Todd would flay me." Calculus watched them go. "Oh shit... Phoebe's going to be annoyed," he predicted. * * * * * "Phoebe's going to be annoyed," Damien Roc predicted, gloomily throwing pebbles into the ocean. The intrepid duo had decided to take a little break from their Quest on a small Pacific island "Why?" Steve asked, unsucessfully trying to brush his hair into some semblance of order. "I've got all her clothes." Had the Australian a normal sex drive, this would have no doubt provoked a hentai remark. Since he didn't, he merely nodded. "Yep. She'll be pissed." Damien threw a pebble extra viciously. "Where the hell can they be anyway?" Steve shrugged. "I don't know. Why don't we call them and find out?" "..." "What, you never thought of that?" "..." "I mean, sure, they might not be in the Southern California district anymore, but somebody's got to have a mobile, right?" "..." Steve sighed and held out a tin full of baked goods. "Here, have a biscuit." * * * * * Phoebe paused, glue-laden brush half-way to the wall. "Strange," she mused. "I suddenly had the weirdest craving for Anzacs." She shrugged cheerfully. "Oh well!" Omi no Miko looked down at her from a ladder. "I don't mind helping you re-decorate," she half-complained. "But can we turn the music off?" Phoebe smiled sweetly. "But it helps me think, Omi-chan!" Omi opened her mouth, no doubt readying a withering reply, when she was interrupted by the dramatic entrance of a scantily clad figure. "Darling!" she squealed delightedly. "I *knew* I'd seen you go in here! And in that adorable little fuku too! Just like on the set of 'Hot Schoolgirls Take Their Clothes Off And Have Sex With Each Other'!" Phoebe's expression turned slightly panicky. "Uh... hi, H," she acknowledged. H draped herself over the girl, pouting seductively. "Oh, *you're* in charge, aren't you? Let Heidi out for a while. We want to play!" Phoebe shuddered. "No way." H snuggled up to her. "And your cute little friend too, of course" she giggled. "I-" *BONK* "Thanks, Omi!" Phoebe smiled gratefully as her persecutor sagged to the floor. Omi grinned, and set the ladder down. "No problem. What are we going to do with her?" "Closet," Phoebe said decisively. "We can't let her tell anyone what she saw, after all." She took one last look around the room and grinned nastily. "Okay, I think we're done here. Let's get rid of her, then move onto Stage Two." Omi grinned as well. "We agreed on a Weiss Kreuz artbook, right?" she asked. Phoebe nodded. "As soon as Damien gets here with my stuff, it's yours," she promised. "Wai!" "Wai!" "Wai!" "Wai!" * * * * * "WHEEL! OF! FORTUNE!!!!" the crowd cheered, giving the fans of the Ultradome a run for their money. "Welcome, welcome, welcome!" smiled Pat Sajak. "And welcome to our competitors tonight! Why don't you tell us a little bit about yourselves?" He thrust the microphone into Delfina's face. "Um, hi," Delfina said, peeking over the presenter's shoulder at the cue cards in his hand. "My name is... Mary Sue Illingworth, and I'm a 40 year old dietician from New Jersey." "Hi, Mary Sue! And this gentleman here is...?" "I'm Jeff Andrews," Dan smiled toothily. "I'm 26 and a cost accountant." "Nice to meet you, Jeff. And this little fella is...?" "My name is Orion Wells," a small voice piped up. "And I thought this was Wheel O Fortuna! Teehee!" Delfina's hand reached for where her mallet should be. Only at the last minute did she realise it was locked in the Ragnorak along with three security guards, two competitors, and a hapless hedgehog she'd picked up on the way. (Live hedgehog, 4 pts! Every little bit helped, after all.) "Now that we've met our lovely contestants, let's move right along!" The man postively skipped back to his place, and Delfina shot Dan one of her best black looks. "This had better work," she muttered angrily. "Relax, Del-chan! It's what Woofer would have wanted." * * * * * "Oh, my head... ooh, I do like it when they play rough!" "Hi!" "Why, *hello*! Who would you be, cutie? And would you like to $%$&^ my $@*&^ ?" "I'm Aaron Shattuck. I kill things good. Are you a woman?" "Can a man do *this*?" "Uh... no?" * * * * * Jake gave Blade his third Evil Glare (tm) in ten minutes and explained again. "I... am... not... Epsilon," he stated with exquisite enunciation. "I have never been Epsilon. I do not *want* to be Epsilon. I do not want to have you as my lackey, and evil plans, although possibly rewarding, sound too much like hard work. Go. AWAY!" Blade fluttered up and looked into his eyes. "Are you sure you're okay, Epsi?" he worried. "I think you musta hit your head too hard after the house came back." "Thou shalt *NOT* call me Epsi!" Jake screamed, picking up a handy piece of four-by-two and whacking the deluded lackey to the ground. "Boss, come on! It's me, Blade!" Jake gritted his teeth. There was only one thing to do... "Fine. Let's go find Epsilon," he snarled, stalking into the house, Blade fluttering in his wake. * * * * * There was no escape. They were surrounding her. She could ask for and expect no help. It was just her and her wits against a gossip-hungry group of ImproGirls. FanTAStic. "Soooo..." Katy began. "Tell us EVERYTHING!" Illyria flushed. "There's nothing to tell. We were in the car, we thought we were going to die and we wanted to go out with a bang. That's it." "Oh *really*?" HottCoffee asked, one eyebrow curved archly. "Yes! We thought we were going to *die*! What would *you* have done?" "Tried to find a way out?" "... shut up!" "So, Ravi, huh?" Kate Malloy asked, winking. "I mean, after that LoveCalculator thing you guys started, we figured there must be *something* going on.... although we didn't expect to be proved right so... uh... graphically." "Shut up!" "And with Aaron Shattuck in the front seat too! Must have been- Oh, hiiiii Ravi!" Ravi grinned broadly. "Hi, Kimberli," he acknowledged. "Now why don't you four get out of here so I can talk to Illyria?" HottCoffee pouted. "Why would we do that when we were having so much fun?" she asked. "Because if you don't, I'll refuse to serve behind the bar again," he replied. "And I'll tell all the ImproDenizens who are forced to mix their own sad inventions just who to blame." "Nice talking to you, Illyria!" "See you, Ravi!" Ravi closed the door behind them. "Hi," he said. "Um... hi..." Illyria said, staring at her feet. "Have you been getting it too?" Ravi shrugged. "Well, most of the guys here see me as a god now," he mused. "And the girls keep giving me these speculative looks and murmuring, 'Damn, why are the good ones always taken?' So I guess, yeah, I have." "What? That's so not fair!" "I know. Um, Illyria?" "Yeah?" "Now that we've kinda got the name for it anyway... do you think we could carry on with the game?" Illyria locked the door. "Why not?" she replied, getting to work on his shirt. "It's what Woofer would have wanted." * * * * * Stephica walked into the Globe of Gaming Goodness and posed in front of the two Dan Fans, still continuing their hopeless quest for superiority. "Hey, get out of the way!" Twoflower said impatiently, not really paying any attention to just *who* was blocking his view. "Why, Stefan!" Stephica pouted. "And after I wore this *just* for you!" Twoflower looked at her. He looked at a lot of her. "...gleep?"he squeaked, looking at ColdFury for support. Since the man in the gi was unconscious in a small puddle of his own blood, no help was forthcoming. Stephica gave the Master of Impro her most seductive smile and pulled him to his feet. "But... Roe?" he asked numbly as she led him down the hall. Stephica pouted again, flaring her Aura. "Roe left me all alone," she replied. "Woofer left me all alone. Oh, Twoflower-sama, I'm so *lonely*!" She pulled him into a bedroom at the end of the hallway and locked the door behind her with a definite *snikt*. For a moment, Twoflower managed to shake off his stupor and the effects of Stephica's Aura enough to take in the room's decor. Posters of pretty young men in groups of four and five covered the room. On in each group wore visible piercings and a scowl. Twoflower recognised them. "Hey," he began, frowning. "What-" Then a lute and a ladder descended on his head and he knew no more. He woke up a few minutes later, tied to a swivel chair. "Hihi!" Phoebe greeted him cheerfully. "Hope your head's okay!" Twoflower looked at her with annoyance. "Whatever you're doing, Phoebe, it won't work," he warned. "Just untie me now and let me get back to my game, and we'll say no more about it." "Oh, *no*, Twoflower-sama," Phoebe smiled, eyes wide. "I *couldn't* do that. Not after your many crimes!" "Crimes?" Phoebe nodded, still smiling. "Oh yes," she replied. "Twoflower-sama, for far too long have you continued your unopposed torment of my beloved boy bands!" Twoflower would have facefaulted, but he was too busy trying to access Hammer Sapce. Furniture Space. Any pocket dimension at all... What the hell was wrong with him! It was as if he was... shut off from them. With growing horror he looked at the blonde girl. "You *couldn't* have!" "Oh, but I did!" She swivelled the chair round. "Twoflower-sama, meet my co-conspirators." Twoflower stared. "Hola bossman," Roe grinned, an evil gleam in his eyes. "Roe? Why did you... I mean, I thought you had *taste*!" "Oh, you know. Family is family." Roe nodded at Ardweden. "Right, cuz?" "Right," the girl nodded. "Yes, but... Calculus? WHY?" "Amelia-sama plushie! Waiwaiwaiwaiwai!" "Calculus, please! Stop blocking me off from the pocket dimensions for just a second, and I'll give you a *hundred* pl- mmmph!" "That's enough of that!" Phoebe chided, swinging him round to face her again. "It's time for you to be punished like a bad Admin should be!" "Oooh, sounds fun,"Omi chuckled from behind him. "Now, you *know* you can't beat us," Phoebe explained. "So we're going to make sure you join us! Omi-chan, the headphones, please!" "Mmmph! Mmm mmmm mmm MMMPH!" "He says you'll pay for this," Calculus advised the blonde girl as she selected her first CD and placed it in the stereo. "Feh," she shrugged. "The evil villain *always* says that, and it *never* happens." "Actually, sis, it's the *hero* that says it, and it *always* happens." "Details, details. There we are, Twoflower-sama! Enjoy!" As the first notes of Phoebe's favourite Backstreet Boys bootleg reverberated through the admin's head, the conspirators slipped out, except Cal, who had first guard duty. Twoflower didn't notice. He was too busy screaming into his gag. * * * * * "Two hundred dollars, Orion!" "Yay! I'd like to make a guess, please Pat?" "And Orion makes a guess at our final phrase," Pat enthused. "This is an exciting moment for us all!" Delfina stared at the ten year old in disbelief. Then she raised her glare to the bright and shiny numbers above his head. There were a lot of them. Dan looked at her nervously and coughed. He'd somehow managed to go into negative numbers at one point, Delfina remembered. She glared back at him. Cute girl slap effect, she promised silently. The timer dinged, indicating that the kid had finished his 'thinking time' "Well, Orion?" "The quote is... 'She's a slice of heaven'!" "YES!!! Orion, you are absolutely right!" Vanna White smiled and turned over the remaining tiles as Delfina seethed silently. Still, once this game was over they could always ambush the next couple of contestants and return. After all, what would the kid want with a cloning machine? "...yay!" Orion cheered, hugging his brand new Clone-O-Matic 3000. "Now I can make a friend for my bunny rabbit!" Delfina would have sweatdropped, but she was far too angry for that. As they were led off set, she grabbed Dan's arm and pulled him into a quiet corner. "You said this would be easy!" she hissed. "Now we have to hunt the kid down and get the thing off him!" Dan looked at her in surprise. "We can't do that, Del-chan!" He posed heroically. "Orion worked long and hard to win that prize and provide a friend for his bunny rabbit! We can't take that away from him. It wouldn't be simply underhanded and nasty. It would be a violation of the American Dream itself, our country's greatest gift to those within its borders! No, we must simply swallow our pride - and our sorrow in the fact that now we can never get Woofer-chan back - and, holding our heads high, march on!" Delfina just stared. "That said," he added, dropping out of his pose, "It would be a shame if someone was to fiddle with the controls so that it replicated the brat's rabbit non-stop, wouldn't it?" A slow grin spread across Delfina's face, "That would be a shame," she said,her voice dripping with sincerity. Dan grinned back. "Let's back to Chez Impro and talk to Cal, then." He paused. "First one to the Ragnorak is driving!" "What the... wait!" * * * * * "So, after kidnapping John Evans, for nefarious purposes too lengthy to go into, we crash the next Bond movie set and introduce you to the world as wealthy socialite Aphrodite Fairweather, making us enough money for the next stage, which is..." Omi flicked a page. "...taking over the world, oooh-hohohohooooo. Is that right?" "Yep!" Phoebe smiled. "Okay!" Omi hopped off her ladder. She was beginning to get quite attached to it. "Well, I guess the meeting's over then." As the conspirators filed out, Phoebe grabbed Roe's arm. "Wait a second, nii-chan," she requested. Roe hugged his sister affectionately. "What's up, sis?" "Did your Coke taste funny?" Roe frowned. "Well, now that you mentioned it, there was a slight aftertaste, but- what the HELL!" The room blurred around him and he felt his knees weaken. "Phoebe! What did you put in the Coke?! Phoebe!" He woke up not long after, completely naked except for a red and green bow around his neck. "Hihi!" "Phoebe, what the hell are you doing? And for god's sake, look away or something!" "Oh, tish," Phoebe dismissed. "What about all the times we bathed together as children?" "We were separated at birth," Roe pointed out. "Details, details! Oh, Steph-chaaaaan! He's awake!" Roe heard the door open and close behind him, and with a sudden presentiment, looked up. There was a large, mistletoe-shaped neon sign hanging above his head. "Oh my," he breathed, wondering whether he should be terrified or - and this was a growing temptation - intrigued. Phoebe jumped to her feet. "Well, I got EVIL to do," she grinned over his shoulder, presumably at Stephica. She paused. "Have fun... nee-chan!" Stephica chuckled. "Oh, I *will*... imouto-chan." * * * * * Dan stared at the note. It was quite brief. 'Dan, I took back the Ragnorak and intend to set up a harem of bishounens. I hate you and hope you die, you non- apologising, running away with girls, Woofer-murdering bastard. Love, Todd.' Delfina stared at the space where the Ragnorak had been. "Hey!" she yelled suddenly. "He's got my hedgehog!" * * * * * "Oooh! My Chaos-sense tell me Sephy-sama plushies are in that basement!" John Evans resisted the urge to sweatdrop. "You just read the sign on the door, Chaos," he pointed out. Sure enough, the basement door had been decorated with a large, colourful sign reading 'FREE SEPHIROTH PLUSHIES IN HERE. ABSOLUTELY NOT THE HOME OF A VILLAINY CONTEST.' "I have a bad feeling about this," John warned as the wolf-eared girl pulled him down the steps. "Stop worrying," she chided. "They're worth 50 points each! Plus, they're nummy!" She jumped down the last two steps and switched on the lights. "No Sephiroth plushies," John noted dryly. "How unexpected." "But not as unexpected as the Impro Inquisition!" A robed figure leapt out of the shadows, posing dramatically. He pointed at John. "I shall prove my villainy is supreme, as I force you heretics to confess to writing... bad... fanfiction... Um. Hi, John." Another robed figure laughed sarcastically. "Sucks to be you," he sneered at the Impro Inquisition Commander. "Silence! This is not a set-back but a boon! If I can force a confession from the Impro Saviour, I shall be acclaimed as the most villainous villain of all time! Fetch... the Comfy Chair!" * * * * * Eslington was shocked. Eslington was dismayed. Eslington was aware of a horrible fact. Eslington was reeling from the discovery that there were no chocolate fingers at the buffet. "WHY?!" he screamed, drawing the attention of a few partygoers. "What's up?" asked Lurker. "Why aren't there any Cadbury's chocolate fingers on the table?" asked Eslington, his eyes darting about the table feverishly. "Chocolate fingers? I don't think anyone sells them here..." "Oh no..." the colour drained from Eslington's face, but then returned quickly as the answer occurred to him. "I must return to England, where chocolate fingers are freely available to the public!" Eslington held his staff over his head, chanted a few occult words and- "Hey!" shouted Lawrence, suddenly appearing and cutting off the last line of Eslington's spell, "What are you doing?" Eslington lowered his staff and turned to face the author. "I'm going to England to get some stuff for the buffet, why?" "Remember rule two?" asked Lawrence, "Party guests are required to travel in groups of at least two." "Oh, well I suppose I can take someone with me..." Eslington looked around for a travelling companion, his eyes coming to rest on Omi no Miko. "Hey Omi!" he called, drawing her attention away from the other partygoers. "How would you like to go to England?" "England?" she responded, her eyes lighting up (not literally, she's not a robot or nothin'), "Sure!" "Great!" responded Eslington. "Hmm, maybe I should pick up some fish 'n' chips as well..." "Remember rule 1b," reminded Lawrence. "Any party guest who brings food, drink, alcohol or cigarettes must bring enough for everyone currently at the party." "...okay," responded Eslington, attempting to work out the cost of buying enough junk food for 70 people. "Could someone lend me a little money?" Everyone else chose that particular moment to become interested in other things, like the ceiling, the floor and many other things. "Oh well." Eslington sighed "I'll just go now then." He held out his staff towards Omi No Miko. "Hold on, Omi," he instructed. Omi hoisted her handy ladder under one arm and did as she was asked as Eslington began to chant the lines of the spell. There was a small flash of dark blue light and Eslington and Omi disappeared in a rush of cool air. * * * * * End! My, my, that was satisfying. Happy New Year, Twoflower! ^_^ Thanks to everybody who can keep a secret. Special thanks to Eslington, who wrote the last scene, and to my pre-readers of which there were many. If I try to list them all, I'm sure to miss someone else, and they'll feel bad, so I won't but thanks to all of you! And okay, special thanks to Woofer, who fixed up my commas in the first half. Blame the second half on me. Public Service Announcement: (sponsored by Illyria Wai-Goddess Art Ltd) If you wish to swap body fluids with a person with alternative genitals (or the same - hey, I'm not here to limit you) be careful! Sex is fun-fun. Any number of yucky diseases are *not*. Follow the example of our very own Party SexFiends, Illyria and Ravi, and play *safe*! But there's no need to play '2 Become 1' in the background, that's just wrong. And Now, The Fun Part; Steve Scougall: Ocean DamienRoc: Ocean ColdFury: GGG, out cold. Chris: Basement W4: Dead - sniff Encased in ice. Iron Chef Chen Kenichi: Kitchen Nick: Living Room Anko: Living Room Yun Cheolsu: Out Cold - Game Room BlackMage: living room Kate Malloy: Chez impro somewhere Twoflower: Out Cold - Living Room Squall: Basement Hottcoffee: Chez impro somewhere H (Myth): Closet - with Aaron Shattuck Tameran: Living Room Stephica: Bedroom - with Roe Omi no Miko: England Delfina: Wheel of Fortune Parking Lot Phoebe: Chez impro somewhere Ardweden: Chez impro somewhere Keith Richards: Dead - Bar Ura: Living Room Roe: Bedroom - with Stephica Jess: Chez impro somewhere Chaos: Basement Lusipher: Chez impro somewhere Zombie Elvis: Still Dead - Bar Kimberli: Chez impro somewhere Calculus: Chez impro somewhere Eternal Lost Lurker: Bar Lawrence: Bar Rain: Outside Chez Impro Wang Tu Chun Out Cold - Bedroom Eslington: England Jonatan: Chez impro somewhere Epsilon: Basement NeoVid: Chez impro somewhere Fatman: Chez impro somewhere Aaron: The beach ? nihility (Eric): The beach ? Illyria: Bedroom - with Ravi ^_^ Ravi: Bedroom - with Illyria ^_^ Aaron Shattuck Closet - with H Jake: Chez impro somewhere Blade: Chez impro somewhere Mecha Tom Green: San Diego ? Todd: Hunting down bishounens Dan: Wheel of Fortune Parking Lot Dragon: Front Yard Random: GGG Katy: Chez impro somewhere Ragnorak: With Todd, hunting down bishounens. Leonardo DiCaprio: Dead??? Please.