Kate and Kimberli sat on the front steps of Chez Impro. "They're gone..." Kate sobbed. "They're all gone..." "No, it's okay. Everyone got revived!" Kimberli exclaimed, attempting to console her distraught Team K-mate. "Oh, I'm not talking about the partygoers," Kate corrected. "We're all out of Hershey Cookies and Mint Mini-Size candy bars!" She held up the empty bag. Kimberli facefaulted. *+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+* Once again, it's time for... ImproParty!!!! Wai! Wai! Part the Thirtieth: The Chrono Trigger Effect Written by Kate Malloy ImproParty begun by W4, the Mad Author *+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+* All over Chez Impro, the victims of the Mad Slasher (aka Chippy the Transvestite Gnome) were waking up. Pretty much each person's thought upon regaining consciousness was that they were certain that they were about to die. In fact, they were almost 100% sure that they really *had* died. Obviously, however, that was not the case, as they were still here and completely intact. It must have been something they ate or drank. Of course, those who had managed to live through the reign of terror knew the truth, but they were busy trying to forget it as quickly as possible. This explained why the bar was now very crowded. Ravi sighed as he poured yet another drink. He helped save the ImproParty from death and destruction, and what did he get? Stuck behind the bar, while Myth and Eslington and Phoebe got to go off and...where were they, anyway? Oh, right, Myth had said something about a cosplay-fest and dragged Eslington off. Funny, Eslington hadn't looked all that happy. He still wasn't sure about Phoebe, though. She seemed to be acting kind of strangely. ***** Kimberli and Illyria were trying to ignore Kate, who was following them around while babbling on and on about the lack of chocolate at the party. They nearly ran into Phoebe. "You," Illyria said coldly. Phoebe smiled. "Yes, me." "You're still wearing our uniform," Illyria observed. "Oh, am I? Silly me." Phoebe did a quick change and tossed the Team K uniform at Illyria. "There. Is that better?" Illyria caught the uniform and glared at Phoebe. "You need to learn to treat people with respect," she said. "Do I?" Phoebe asked airily. "That's funny, because Ravi certainly seemed to think..." "Leave Ravi out of this..." Illyria hissed. "Umm...I have to go polish my mecha..." Kimberli muttered, pointing in the direction of the iceberg before she skated away. Kate just stared at the two. "Um...guys? Surely there's no need to..." "Oh, shut up!" Phoebe said. "What would you know about things like this, anyway? All you do is sit around and drool over some guy who doesn't really exist, and he wouldn't notice you even if he did!" Kate blinked, tears coming to her eyes. "That was really low..." she said quietly. "If you have nothing better to do than to pick on people who never did anything to you," Illyria said with barely controlled anger, "maybe you'd better leave." Phoebe shrugged. "Well, dear, just remember who saw Ravi last, hmm? Ta!" She sauntered off. Kate sat down on the floor, sighing. "Man...what got into her?" Illyria glared. "I don't know. I don't really care, either." "I really need some chocolate," Kate admitted. "Let's get out of here and get some then," Illyria suggested. The Mistress of Instantaneous Caffeine-and-Sugar-Induced Mood Swings jumped up eagerly. "Wai!" Kate wai'ed. "How many of those chocolate mint bar things did you eat, anyway?" Illyria asked. "Not too many," Kate said, thinking. "Just maybe five..." "That doesn't sound too bad," Illyria mused. "...bags," Kate finished. "And you want more," Illyria sighed, exasperated. Before Illyria could lecture her teammate on the evils of eating a ton of chocolate (and not sharing it with your friends) they were interrupted by Greg. "Hey, I've been looking all over for you two!" he exclaimed. "Hiya, cutie!" Kate greeted him with a grin. "What's up?" "Well, I was wondering..." Greg began. "Could I somehow join Team K? I mean, I think Irvine's cool - obviously not in the way that you do, of course - and I *was* the one who introduced 'Double Trouble' to the Impro community at large, so...What do you think?" "Hmm..." Illyria considered it. "Well...normally we'd say no, but we just got an opening today...all right. Congratulations. You're the Official Team K mascot. Which means you get to wear this." She handed Greg a set of Meowth ears, whiskers, and a tail. Greg looked dubious. "Are you sure about this?" "Yep," Illyria said. "Well, all right, then..." Greg put the Meowth accessories on. "Aww, you look so cute!" Kate said enthusiastically. "All right. Your first official mascot duty is to come with me and Illyria while we go chocolate shopping!" Greg paled. "You mean...I have to go out in public like this?" "Hey, we are," Illyria stated. Greg muttered something about "it's different for you," then shrugged and followed Kate and Illyria outside. "We'll take my car," Kate informed them. "Um...wasn't your car in pieces inside the living room?" Illyria asked. "What else was I supposed to do in between Triple Triad matches and Irvine- worship sessions?" Kate said with a shrug as she led the two to her pretty green Honda Civic. "Hop in." And lo, the threesome set off on a fantastic adventure. Of course, they just didn't know about it yet. ***** Steve was irritated. First he'd fallen for the old 'grease the stairs and watch the idiots fall down the staircase and into your waiting clutches' trick. Then he'd been captured by the Impro Inquisition and very quickly put in the Comfy Chair. He'd desperately tried to escape, but the chair was too comfy, and he just couldn't rouse himself enough to get out of it. Then a maniac in a cloak and a white mask had stormed the basement. Steve desperately asked for help in getting out of the chair, and the only response had been a hideous laugh that chilled the Mad Australian author to his very bones with its madness and dementia. This had been followed with a lot of injuries that Steve didn't particularly want to think about at the moment. Steve wasn't quite sure what had happened after that. He'd woken up with nary a scar nor blemish upon his body, which was quite a surprise. Given the extent of the injuries, he might have even died and been resurrected. Nah. Things might be weird around here, but they weren't *that* weird. Though there had been some people pointing a strange looking device at him and someone had muttered something about the Resurrector making funny noises, but that had to just be his imagination. And then, much to his consternation and surprise, the people left. He was once again trapped in the Comfy Chair. And to top it all off, he still hadn't found where his spare Anzac biscuits had disappeared to. This just would not do. He had to do *something*. But what? It was moments like this when his Mad Wind Tae Kwon Do Skeelz came in handy. He took a deep breath, readied himself - And started meditating. What? Did you think he'd do something else? He meditated some more, driving all cares and worries from his mind, which was quite difficult when he was facing Certain Death for the third time in just two days. But he managed it, entering a trancelike state as he sought his inner balance. He dove deeper and deeper into his self, seeking the elusive center of his being... ...and found it. Readying it, harnessing it to his will, he snapped his eyes open, took a deep breath - And, in a shout designed to reach people as far away as the next state, yelled, "SOMEONE HELP ME OUT OF THIS CHAIR RIGHT NOW!" ***** Ardweden blinked. "Did you just hear something?" she asked Delfina. "Yeah, I thought I did," Delfina stated. "It sounded like it came from the basement. Should we check it out?" "I don't really want to," Ard replied, shaking her head. "It's probably just the Impro Inquisition torturing somebody. I don't want to get mixed up in that again." "Oh, okay," Delfina agreed. ***** Meanwhile, somewhere in San Diego, two-thirds of Team K and its new mascot continued their quest to find chocolate. The fact that none of them knew their way around San Diego and thus had no idea where they were was only a minor setback. Pulled over onto a small side street, the group pored over a map. "I'm pretty sure we left from here, right?" Kate asked, pointing at a location on the map. "You were the one driving," Illyria noted. "Well, I was concentrating on making sure I didn't hit anything," Kate answered. >From the back seat, Greg sweatdropped. Kate looked up from the map for a moment and noticed a man standing on the street corner, posing dramatically. He wore a color-shifting cape which swirled from his shoulders in an impressive fashion, despite the fact that there was no wind, over a rather ordinary T-shirt and jeans. He was blond and rather attractive, albeit a little androgynous-looking. "Hey, I know him!" Kate exclaimed. "Scott Schimmel!" "Steve Scougall?" Greg asked. "Isn't he already at the party?" Kate rolled down the window, leaned out, and waved. "Hi Scott!" Scott blinked and looked at her. "Kate?" he asked in bewilderment. She nodded. "Hop in!" she invited. Scott did just that. "Illyria, Greg, this is Scott." Kate performed the introductions. "Scott, this is Illyria and Greg." "Aren't you all supposed to be at the Impro Party?" Scott asked. "Yeah, we're just making an emergency chocolate run," Illyria said. "Ah, I see..." Scott looked at Greg's outfit, blinked once, then shrugged. "Onward!" Kate proclaimed, gunning it for the nearest supermarket, wherever it may be. ***** Steve's shouting had disrupted Jonatan's game of Jenga. Peeved, he and NeoVid searched for the offending shouter. They entered the Chez Impro basement to find a messy-haired young man seated in the Comfy Chair. "Oh, thank goodness you found me!" Steve exclaimed. "I didn't think anybody would be able to help me!" "Who are you again?" NeoVid asked. Steve facefaulted as best he could, considering he was trapped in a Comfy Chair. "I'm Steven Scougall! You know, the guy who showed up at GMCA for a while?" "You? You skipped out." Uninterested, NeoVid turned away to leave. "Wait!" Steve begged. "Help me out of this Comfy Chair! Please! The Impro Inquisition has trapped me in it and I can't get out as the chair is too comfy!" NeoVid sighed. "Look, if you can do things such as run across the surface of the ocean and amplify your voice to incredible levels, can't you just use your Mad Skeelz to force yourself out of the Chair?" Steve facefaulted again, looking sheepish. "I never thought of that." He closed his eyes, quickly going into a trancelike state, seemingly unaware of his surroundings. Jonatan took the opportunity to pull out a black marker and draw funny faces upon the semi-unconscious Australian. Suddenly his eyes snapped open and his body straightened, causing the marker to draw a long straight line from his cheek to his shirt. With an earsplitting yell Steve *hurtled* from the Chair so fast he ended up thudding into the wall at High Speed. He promptly fell down, unconscious again. "Well, so much for that," NeoVid noted. "*Now* do you want to play cards?" "Okay," Jonatan said, but not before taking the opportunity to finish doodling on Steve. ***** Kate finished loading the last of the chocolate bars into her trunk. "That's that," she stated, rubbing her hands together happily. "Let's get back to the party!" "You sure that's enough?" Scott asked. "We must have a ton of chocolate in there!" Greg exclaimed. "Yeah, but I just thought that maybe some of the people at the party would like some, too," Scott noted. "Good point," Kate mused. The supermarket that they had finally managed to arrive at just happened to be across the street from a donut shop. Two cops were sitting at a table near the window, munching on donuts and sipping coffee. "Hey, Josh," one cop said to his partner. "That guy across the street...the one wearing the cat outfit...wasn't he wanted for something?" (Remember back in Chapter 2, when Greg-as-Lusipher made a rather...spectacular entrance? No? Then it was a good thing I reminded you, wasn't it?) "Yeah, Joe," Josh said. "Gregory Hoogendam. Led police on a three state chase." "Think we should go after them?" Joe asked. Josh watched as the foursome got in the car and drove off. "Let me finish this cruller first," he answered. A few minutes later, the cops were hot on the tail of our protagonists. ***** Scott looked out the back window of the car. "There appears to be a police car behind us," he stated calmly. Greg glanced out, nervously. "Oh, man! They must still be after me!" "What did you *do*?" Illyria asked, with a wide-eyed stare at Greg. Greg shrugged. "Just led the police on a three state chase on my bike. That's all." "I'd better pull over," Kate said. "No way! Keep going!" Greg exclaimed. "Um...isn't that just going to get us in *more* trouble?" Scott asked. Kate reached the highway on-ramp. "Well, if we lose them somehow..." she mused. "Eh, why not? Let's live a little!" She raced onto the highway. "I'd like to *stay* alive, thank you!" Illyria exclaimed. "And they're still behind us!" "And they probably have your license plate number by now," Scott pointed out. Kate continued onward, occasionally shooting a nervous look at her rear-view mirror. "How fast are we going?" Illyria inquired. Kate glanced at the speedometer. "75...76...77...78...79...oh crap," she realized. "We have to slow down!" "No, they're gaining on us!" Greg yelled back. "This has Bad Idea written all over it," Scott stated, though no one was really paying attention to him. "Illyria! The flux capacitor! Try to disconnect it!" Kate cried. "Which part do I unhook?" Illyria asked frantically. "85...86..." Kate continued. "87...too late..." The car disappeared in a flash of light and flame. The cops blinked. "I thought that only happened in movies," Joe noted, before nearly driving into the fiery tracks. "Can we arrest people for illegal time-travel?" Josh asked. ***** In the mists of time and space, a lone voice spoke. "I *knew* I should have just let Myth and HottCoffee keep the damned flux capacitor!" ***** The three parts of the mysterious entity known as FaLChaMlink sat in the Chez Impro living room. "You know what would make this party absolutely great?" Cham asked. Falcon and Mechalink shook their heads. "Cheese!" Cham exclaimed. "We could hold a cheese-tasting fest!" "A cheese-tasting party?" Falcon asked incredulously. "Are you crazy?" "But I *love* cheese!" Cham cried, attempting to defend his idea. "C'mon! I can get The Ghetto Fabulous to go and get all sorts of different types! Brie, Cheddar, Monterey Jack..." Mechalink turned to Falcon. "He isn't going to start singing the Pinky and the Brain song now, is he?" Mechalink asked. Falcon just shrugged. "Come on guys! Back me up here!" Cham pleaded. "It'll be fun!" "If we don't agree, he's just going to keep pestering us about this all afternoon, isn't he?" Falcon said to Mechalink. Mechalink nodded. "Okay, we'll help you out," he told Cham. "Great!" Cham jumped up and rubbed his hands together. "I'll go get my robot and set everything up. You go invite everybody!" Mechalink and Falcon exchanged glances, then sighed and went off to extend the invitation to the rest of the party. ***** The beach was empty in the dawn light. All was still and quiet. With a burst of fire and light, the time machine appeared on the sands. Kate quickly brought it to a halt. The group got out and surveyed their surroundings. "Okay, where are we?" Illyria asked. "More to the point, *when* are we?" Kate shrugged. "Could be any time. I don't think I set it for any particular date, and I don't remember what the default is." She sighed. "Remind me to dismantle the time-travel capabilities when we get back." A voice suddenly cried out, "All hail!" "All hail!" chorused a group of voices. "What the..." Greg began as a group of people clad in Scottish garb ran out from behind a nearby dune. "What would a bunch of Scottish warriors be doing on a beach in what will one day be California?" he wondered. Scott shook his head. "You're thinking logically. That's your first mistake." The group was led by an elderly man in a burgundy robe, who hobbled along with the aid of a gnarled staff. "All hail the great warriors who have come to aid us in our time of need!" he proclaimed. "Us?!" Kate cried, pointing to herself, and then her friends. "Indeed," the old man replied. "For it was prophesied that on this blackest of days, a group of heroes would arrive in a flash of fire and light. And here you are." He smiled. "Holy Lina," Illyria said incredulously. "We're in an RPG." "I think you've made some sort of mistake..." Scott said uncertainly. "You see we're really just..." The old man looked like he was about to cry. "You mean," he whimpered, "you're just going to leave and let us keep on being oppressed and tormented? You'll allow the whole world to fall into darkness because you don't feel like helping out?" Scott shrugged. "Well, something like th-" "Yeah, how could you?" Kate interrupted him. "Letting all these nice people be conquered by the forces of evil! Honestly! Hmph." She crossed her arms and glared at him. "These nice people who're trying to draft us into being their cannon fodder in some fight against some Dark Lord we've never heard of but who is almost certainly ridiculously powerful, you mean?" Scott asked. "You're right. I can't imagine why I wouldn't agree to help." "Oh, so you *do* understand!" Kate cried happily. Scott promptly facefaulted. "So, um, exactly what do you want us to do?" Greg asked. The old man stepped aside to allow a man and a woman who were carrying a large chest to pass by. Bowing low before the time travelers, they set down their burden. The old man reverently walked in front of the chest, and then whacked it hard with his staff, opening the lid. "For generations we have preserved these sacred objects," the old man explained. "Each of you is to be given a gift." He motioned to Kate. Slowly, she stepped forward. The old man bent over, reached into the trunk, and produced a shining sword with a single emerald set into the pommel. He held it out to her. "For you, the Sword of Zephyros. It shall always strike true. Guard it, and use it well." Reverently, Kate accepted the sword. Then she turned back to her friends, and jumped up and down with delight. "Wai! Shiny sword! Nifty shiny sword!" The entire assembly facefaulted. Quickly recovering his dignity, the mysterious old man got back up and motioned to Illyria. He presented her with a pair of crimson gauntlets. "For you, the Gloves of Borealis. These will magnify your strength tenfold." Illyria donned the gauntlets and made a few experimental punches. "Hey, these are cool! I feel like Tifa!" She grinned. The old man then pulled an ancient-looking tome out of the chest and pointed at Greg. "And you shall be given our most potent book of spells!" Greg took the book from the old man, then stared at the title. "Magick for Dummiese?" he asked incredulously. The old man just shrugged. Sighing, Greg flipped through the spellbook. "Summon Jellyfish...Create Chocolate...Animate Shadow Puppets...Aren't there any *useful* spells in here?" he asked in exasperation. "Hey, Create Chocolate sounds pretty darn good to me!" Kate enthused. The old man closed the lid on the chest, then looked at the group. "What about Scott?" Illyria asked. The old man grinned nervously. "Well, um...it's a funny story, really. You'll laugh when you hear this...ahem...the prophecies only mentioned three of you. Not four." "Typical," Scott murmured. "Wait!" a young man cried, stepping from the crowd. "Take this!" He ran up to Scott and offered him... "A harp," Scott stated calmly, looking at the object. "You're the resident bard, I take it?" "It's not just any harp!" the bard said proudly. "It's the Harp of...um...uh...oh, dangit. Look, it's just an ordinary harp, and yes, I'm supposed to tag along with your group and watch your great climactic battle and compose wondrous ballads about your deeds, but frankly, the thought of all of this just scares the heck out of me, and you've got that gleeman's cloak and all, so surely you're better qualified than me, right?" He shoved the harp into Scott's hands and ran off. "Um, actually..." Scott began, but it was too late. "That guy related to Ayame?" Kate whispered to Illyria. Illyria shrugged. "...I don't really have any musical talent," Scott continued. "Oh bugger. I'm stuck now, aren't I?" Greg nodded. "Um...excuse me?" he asked the old man. "Exactly what are we supposed to do here? That guy mentioned 'great climactic battles.' What do you want us for?" The old man looked even more nervous. "Ah, yes...we hadn't gotten to that part, had we?" The four simultaneously shook their heads. "Well, it's quite simple, really," the old man explained. "Yonder lies the Dark, Ominous, and Imposing Fortress of Phineas McWatson who once ruled over all of England with an iron fist. He was finally deposed by a group of brave warriors, who, unfortunately, gave their lives in the battle. They did, however, succeed in driving him to this land. Keeping in mind the prophecies of your arrival, we followed." "Okay. Who's in favor of going back now?" Kate asked. The other three raised their hands. "I'm afraid we can't let you do that..." the old man said. "You see...Phineas' nephew Kieran has already gone to the Dark, Ominous, and Imposing Fortress in hopes of defeating his evil uncle. And I do have the ability to see into the future. I know where you came from, and I know how you met. One of Kieran's descendents is the one you call W4. If you leave, Kieran will surely perish. Thus, your friend W4 will never be born. If he does not exist, there will be no Party. If there is no Party, you will never meet. And if you do not meet in your future, then you will cease to exist here in the past." "You know, I don't quite follow you on that last part," Scott began. "You see, Kieran couldn't have died, because then we never *would* have met in the first place, and..." He was silenced by glares from the rest of his companions. "All right, we'll do it," Illyria agreed. She turned to face her companions and posed dramatically. "Hark! We go to end the terrible reign of Phineas McWatson! We shall show no fear! We shall be brave and strong! For we are from...THE FUTURE!" "THE FUTURE!" Greg and Kate chorused. Scott just blinked and shrugged. And lo, our heroes didst continue on their fantastic adventure. Little did they suspect what awaited them ahead, however... ***** In the dining room, Cham rubbed his hands together gleefully as he surveyed the buffet tables full of cheese. Wonderful cheese. Glorious cheese. It was taking all his willpower not to dive right in. That would be rude, though. As the host, he should at least wait until the guests arrived. He tapped his foot impatiently. What was taking Falcon and Mechalink so long? Didn't they know that they were putting him through absolute *torture* here? Just then, Falcon stepped in. "Where are they?!" Cham exclaimed. Falcon blinked and sighed. "I only found one interested guy, and he's-" "OOOSHA!" Taunting Godhead Legend DanFan Stone ColdFury entered in all his glory, flexing a mighty forearm. "Nothing can withstand the might that is DANFAN ColdFury!" "Oh yeah?" Cham asked. "Well, behold the power of *cheese*!" Falcon shook his head. "That was really lame," he muttered. Mechalink entered the dining room with Montae in tow. Montae took one look at the tables of cheese, then glared at Mechalink. "You told me that I could get new batteries for my Neo-Geo Pocket Color here," he stated. "You didn't say anything about cheese." Mechalink just shrugged. "Look," he murmured. "Just humor Cham a little. All right? I'll get you some batteries later." "All right," Montae answered. Gingerly, he stepped up to one of the tables. "Don't be shy!" Cham invited. "Go ahead and try some!" Montae slowly reached out and picked up a rather unassuming-looking piece. Carefully, he popped it into his mouth, chewed a few times, and swallowed. His eyes lit up. "Hey, this is *good*!" he exclaimed in surprise. "What was it?" "Oh, that's a very rare variety made from goat's milk and extremely hot chili peppers," Cham explained. "It's got quite a kick to it." Montae gulped. A few seconds passed. "I'M ON FIRE!" he screamed, running straight for the kitchen, where he proceeded to drink several gallons of water. Cham downed several pieces of the same cheese. "Ahh...good," he said blissfully. ***** In one of the labyrinthine hallways of Chez Impro, a lone individual began to execute an evil plot. Phoebe adjusted the paintbucket over the doorway to one of the bedrooms. "There we go," she stated. "Just perfect. As soon as they come running through that door, it'll be all over them." She was interrupted by a whuffling sound near her shoes. She looked down and saw Quistis sniffing at her feet. "Oh yes, you're Ardweden's little pet, aren't you?" she remarked. "Well, it's not really fair for her to have all the fun things. I think I'll borrow you for a while." Scooping the aardvark up, she went to find a safe place to hide and wait for her quarry. A few moments later, Ardweden and Delfina entered the hallway. "Quistis!" Ard called. "Where are you? Why'd you run away like that? Quistis?" "Ano, Tsuin-chan," Delfina pointed out. "Maybe she got in here. Look, the door's partway open." "Oh," Ard remarked. "Quistis?" She and Delfina pushed the door open and simultaneously got a Paint Bucket to the Head. "Itai!" Delfina cried as the bucket bounced off her head. "Yuck! My clothes are all ruined!" "That was mean and nasty!" Ard exclaimed. "Who would have done such a thing?" Sinister laughter echoed from up the hallway. Delfina and Ard raced out of the bedroom, dripping paint all the way. "Who's there?" Delfina demanded. Nobody stepped out to answer her, of course. "This is great," Ard groaned. "And we didn't even find Quistis." Delfina frowned. "Ard, didn't that laughter sound a bit familiar to you?" Ardweden thought for a moment. "It wasn't the same person doing all that shouting earlier, was it?" "No," Delfina answered, shaking her head. "If I didn't know better, I'd say it was..." She turned and whispered something in her twin's ear. Ard paled. "No..." she said quietly. "That can't be possible...can it? But why?" "I don't know why," Delfina replied. "But this means WAR!" ***** Jeff, Samantha, and Angelcat returned from their trip to Baskin-Robbins. "That place only had twenty-nine flavors of ice cream!" Angelcat exclaimed disappointedly as the three walked into the living room. "Think I should sue?" Samantha looked around. "Well, it looks like they've cleaned up," she remarked. "Do you think it's safe?" Jeff asked. Loud laughter came from the dining room. "I would assume that it is," Samantha guessed. The three entered the dining room to find the cheese tasting party in full swing. Various people had dropped in just out of curiosity, then decided to stick around. Now, the vast population of the Party was clustered in the dining room, tasting various types of cheese and having a blast. Cham beamed. "See!" he told Falcon and Mechalink. "Cheese brings people together! Mechalink blinked in disbelief. "Man, when you first told us about this idea, we thought you were crazy," he stated. "We still think you're crazy," Falcon added. "But it looks like everybody's having fun!" Of course, not everyone at the cheese-tasting fest was actually in the dining room. Two partygoers watched from outside the window. "A cheese party..." Epsilon mused. "It might be the perfect opportunity to unleash the Second Deadly Pun." "But puns about that?" Blade asked incredulously. "Epsi, that's so...cheesy?" THWACK! "Thou shalt [NOT] call me Epsi! And really, Blade, even *I* wouldn't have stooped so low as make that particular pun." "Sorry, Boss," Blade apologized. "Now quiet!" Epsilon ordered his lackey. "We must make our plans." ***** Unbeknownst to Epsilon, another one of the Seven Deadly Puns had already been released. He was currently in hiding in the basement. Yes, I said "he." The incarnation of the Deadly Pun was none other than Clone Woofer, aka WoofTwo. It yet remained to be seen what WoofTwo's true powers or intentions were, however... ***** Steve groaned and woke up again for the second time in as many half-hours. His head was throbbing where it had smacked into the wall, but at least he was out of that damn chair. Now, to finally finish what he had started when he came to this basement - the Great Missing Anzac Biscuits Quest. He searched high. He searched low. He even searched the Comfy Chair, carefully dismantling it first so he would not fall victim to it ever again. He finally found the glass jar of crunchy oatmealy treats, along with a lot of other snacks, hidden in a dark box in a dark cupboard in a particularly dark corner of the basement. He immediately ate a few and felt a lot better. The others must be wondering where the snacks were, he thought. So reasoning, he picked up the box and carried them back out to the living and dining rooms. He was almost trampled and crushed in the ensuing rush for the tables, but that was okay. At least he was doing something useful to the ImproCommunity. So what if a couple of ribs got broken? Holding his side gingerly with one hand and the jar of Anzacs in the other, he wandered off into the sunset. Well, not really. But he did head off on a search of a familiar face or some Coca-Cola, whichever was nearest. He found Jonatan tormenting Mark and amusing NeoVid at a game of Two of Clubs and settled down to watch. ***** After quite a bit of walking, Greg, Kate, Illyria, and Scott reached the Dark, Ominous, and Imposing Lair of Phineas McWatson. "I suppose it would be silly of me to ask why there's a huge Scottish castle on the California coast, wouldn't it?" Greg said. The others nodded. As they drew closer to the Dark, Ominous, and Imposing Lair, they noticed a person standing just outside the gate. He appeared to be waiting for them. Kate looked at him and did a double-take. "Woofer?" she asked. "Woofer wearing a *kilt*..." Illyria amended. "I think I'm scarred for life now..." Greg stated. Scott just rolled his eyes. Kieran McWatson looked at them. "Ach, and who might ye be?" he demanded. "Good Lina, he even *sounds* like Woofer with a bad Scottish accent," Greg muttered. Kate and Illyria looked at each other and grinned. They both struck simultaneous Dramatic Poses. "Prepare for trouble!" Illyria exclaimed. "And make it double!" Kate replied. "To share our enlightenment and elation!" "To spread fangirlism throughout the nation!" "To promote the joys of fanart and fics!" "To shoot off Pulse Ammo, just for kicks!" "Illyria!" "Kate!" "Team K, let's glomp at the speed of light!" "Surrender now, or prepare to fight!" "Meowth! That's right!" Greg added, popping up behind them. (Of course, the fact that he was a good seven inches taller than Kate and a whole foot taller than Illyria made it more of a comedic-looking looming over them.) Scott shrugged. "Don't mind me. I'm just the bard." Kieran blinked in confusion. "I am Kieran McWatson," he stated solemnly. "And ye be the great and legendary warriors who are supposed to help defeat me uncle?" "Yep!" Kate replied enthusiastically. "That's us!" She flourished the Sword of Zephyros and accidentally stabbed Scott. "Whoopsie..." "Aaagh! Cure spell! Cure spell!" Greg cried, frantically flipping through the pages of Magick for Dummiese. "Hurry up or we're going to be needing a revive spell!" Illyria yelled. Kieran sweatdropped. "Okay, I found it!" Greg exclaimed. "Soul of the living world, aid your fallen child! Cure!" Green motes of light covered Scott, and in a minute he was completely recovered. "Nice to see that some things are standard," he noted. "I guess we should go in, shouldn't we?" Illyria asked, looking up at the Dark, Ominous, and Imposing Lair. Normally, in an RPG, you have to go through a whole dungeon full of monsters, guardians, traps, treasures, mazes, and other fun things to get to the Evil Overlord waiting at the end. But either Phineas was a very impatient Overlord, or the narrator was feeling very lazy, for as soon as the group entered the Dark, Ominous, and Imposing Lair, they found him waiting for them in the foyer. In the grand tradition of Evil Overlords everywhere, Phineas wore a full-body suit of pitch-black armor. In one hand he held an ebony turkey baster, sharpened to a nasty-looking point. "So," he sneered, "my pathetic nephew and the so-called legendary warriors have come to face me at last. Prepare yourselves, fools!" Kieran drew his claymore. "No, Uncle, today is the day you fall!" he cried. "Yaah!" He charged at Phineas. Phineas idly stepped aside and whacked Kieran in the shoulder with the baster. "Agh!" Kieran cried in pain, collapsing. "O! I am slain!" He fainted. "Greg, get over there!" Illyria ordered. Greg immediately ran over to where Kieran lay and felt for his pulse. "He's still alive," he declared. "But not for long!" Phineas gloated. "So, o mighty heroes, who will be the next to try their worth against me?" Kate looked at Illyria. "I say we double team him," Kate said. Illyria nodded. "Team K Strike!" she cried. Kate rushed at Phineas. Phineas struck at her with his baster, but she miraculously managed to parry it several times. Meanwhile, Illyria snuck up behind Phineas, grabbed his leg, and pulled. He toppled over as she rolled out of the way. Kate pointed the sword at Phineas' throat. "Any last words?" she asked. "You shall never truly defeat me!" Phineas cried. "My spirit shall live on and haunt you through the centuries...yadda yadda yadda. Okay, you can go ahead now." Kate noticed everyone looking at her. "What?" she asked. "You're supposed to slay him now," Scott pointed out. "Who, me?" She looked around in confusion. "I don't wanna do it. I'd feel really bad." "Umm...you're the one with the pointy weapon," Illyria noted. "But I don't *want* to!" Kate insisted. "Hah! Ye be chicken!" Phineas cried. "Chicken chicken chicken! Nyaaah nyaaah!" Kate sniffled. "You're being mean to me!" she cried. "Don't make fun of me!" "Oh, for crying out loud," Scott muttered. He walked over to Phineas and smacked him over the head with his harp. Phineas fell silent. After a few moments, Illyria nudged Phineas with her toe. "I think you did it," she told Scott. "Wai!" Kate exclaimed. She hugged Scott. "Thank you!" "Ahhh...sure," he said. "Any time." "Is it over?" Greg asked, helping Kieran up. The other three nodded. "Dangit. I got stuck with healer duty. I didn't even get a chance to throw around any nifty spells!" Greg cried. "Let's go home," Illyria said. ***** And that is how Phineas McWatson was ultimately defeated. Okay, so history would go on to say that the Illuminati did it because that sounds much more dramatic and mysterious then saying that a group of klutzy warriors accidentally offed him. So sue me. Not literally, you fools. I have very little money and a lot of lawyers in my family. Oh, story, right. Sorry, I tend to get carried away... OW! There was no need for that. Okay, okay, here we go... ***** "I'm bored," NeoVid said, tossing his cards down onto the table. "You don't want to play Two of Clubs anymore?" Jonatan asked. "We could play Three of Spades instead," Mark suggested. "How do you play that?" Steve inquired. "Well, it's just like Two of Clubs, only you use the Three of Spades instead," Mark explained. Jonatan shook his head. "Nah. We need something different." NeoVid got up and sauntered over to the TV. He turned it on then flopped down onto the couch. "Anything good on?" Mark called. NeoVid shrugged and flipped through several channels. Mark and Steve joined him on the couch while Jonatan examined the cards. "Two of Clubs, Ace of Hearts, Tonberry - aaagh!" Jonatan hurled the offending card away. "How'd *that* get in there?" NeoVid finally settled on some strange cable channel with a number in the upper 350's. It was showing some sort of sci-fi flick that involved bug-eyed aliens, cheap sets, and lots and lots of green slime. "This is a *bad* movie," Mark noted after a few minutes. "A *really* bad movie." Jonatan looked over at the TV and grinned maniacally. "Gentlemen," he said, vaulting onto the couch and neatly landing on Steve, "prepare to MST." ***** Finally, High Inquisitor Torquemada had returned to the basement. Surveying his Impro Inquisition headquarters, he immediately noticed something amiss. "This...cannot...be..." Chris said, devastated. "My Comfy Chair..." He walked over to the dismantled chair and picked up several of the pieces, tears coming to his eyes. "How could someone be so cruel as to do something this evil? Truly, such a madman should be punished!" He began to glow with a very impressive aura of rage. "Whoever did this shall [pay]! I shall have my [revenge]! They shall...hello, what have we here?" He bent over and picked up an Anzac biscuit. Blinking at it, he considered it for a few minutes. Then he grinned evilly. "Ah, I know who you are now. Just you wait - oh yes, when I get my hands on you, you'll only *wish* you could still have the option of the Comfy Chair!" And lo, High Inquisitor Torquemada began his jihad against the destroyer of the Comfy Chair - one Steven Scougall. ***** A little while later, Twoflower, Calculus, and Jake were considering a serious problem. What were they going to do with all the clones? While they'd already decided to let Quistis and Ura return to their owners, the rest needed some consideration. "Okay," 2f began, "the bimbos and the catguys we can probably just let loose outside. The dragon belongs to Jonatan; we'll park it on the front lawn again." Calculus flipped switches and turned dials, directing the clones to their proper locations. "Keith Richards, Mecha Tom Green, and Leonardo diCaprio..." 2f considered thoughtfully. "Calc? Can we teleport them to Abu Dhabi?" Calc flipped a few more switches and the three in question vanished. "Done, fearless leader." "Mysterious guy..." Twoflower mused. "Let's just leave him for a while. Iron Chef Kenichi? *Definitely* let him out." "What about Woofer's love interest?" Jake inquired. Twoflower shrugged. "Yeah, why not." Calculus opened Jess' clone cylinder. She rushed out and grabbed Jake by the arm. "Scott!" she cried. "I saw him! Back there!" She pointed. Behind the cloning cylinders, WoofTwo cringed and hid even further back. "Um...right," Jake said nervously. "Could you maybe stop cutting off the circulation to my arm now?" Jess let go. "You don't believe me!" she wailed. "Nobody believes me! I must keep vigil at his grave!" She ran out of the basement. Calculus sweatdropped. "Okay, now for the neighbors..." He released Cousin Pete, Hardhead Fred, and the rest of the Evil Neighbors from hell. Pete looked at Fred. Fred looked at Pete. "Let's get the heck out of here!" they chorused before racing away with the rest of the Evil Neighbors, leaving only a dust cloud behind. "I believe they just set the land speed record for rednecks," 2f noted dryly. "How about the guy in the funky armor?" Jake asked. "He kinda looks like Woofer, come to think about it." He reached for the dial on the cloning tank. "Jake! No!" Calculus cried. But it was too late. Jake had already turned the dial. The liquid inside the tank began to bubble and glow. Then... Phineas McWatson stepped from the tank. "I live again!" he cried. "And now I shall have my revenge!" "Nice going," Twoflower muttered as he reached for FurnitureSpace. ***** Greg, Kate, Illyria, Scott, and Kieran returned to the beach, where the old man and the rest of his group were waiting. Kieran solemnly bowed to the old man. "It is done," he stated. "The warriors of legend were just as great as the tales said they would be." The old man turned to the group. "Brave warriors, how can we ever repay you?" he asked. "Gold would be nice-Oww!" Greg rubbed the spot where Illyria had elbowed him. "Yes, you have truly proven your worth," the old man continued on, obliviously. "And thus, when you next face Phineas..." The four STARED at him. "Next?" Scott asked. "Oh, did I forget to tell you that he revives in your time at the party and you have to defeat him again?" the old man replied. The four glared at the old man. "No, I do believe you neglected to tell us that," Illyria said, flexing her fists menacingly. "Oh, silly me," the old man answered. "Yep, he comes back somehow and you get to take care of him before he destroys all your friends." Kieran, meanwhile, was studying Kate. "Fair warrior maiden," he said to her, dropping to one knee, "I wish to have the honor of-" Illyria grabbed Kate and dragged her back to the time machine. "But he was just about to-" Kate began. "No," Illyria said. "But he-" "No." "But-" "No. You're the only one who knows how to drive this thing. You're getting us back home." "All right, all right. Let's go." Kate shrugged and got into the car. "Next stop, ImproParty!" ***** "This isn't ImproParty," Scott observed calmly. "Are we too late?" Greg asked. Certainly, they were in the right place. The parking lot still bore the marks of the various vehicles that had conveyed people to the party. The iceberg sat out in the ocean. But Chez Impro was nowhere to be found. Kate looked back at the time display in her car. "Oh, guys, I'm sorry! According to this, it's next Tuesday. The party's probably over by now." "Wait, who's that?" Scott questioned, pointing to a lone figure sitting forlornly on the beach. "Isn't that Jesse?" Illyria inquired. "But...he's a mime!" Greg flipped through his spellbook. "Hang on. I think I saw a 'De-Mime' spell in here somewhere. Ah, here we go!" He pointed a finger at Jesse. "Forgotten child of Marcel Marceau, recover what was lost to you! De-Mime!" Instantly, Jesse turned back to normal. "Thank you!" he cried gleefully. Illyria motioned to the time machine. "Hurry up and get in, for we must save...oh, dangit. We're *in* the future. Somehow, 'THE PAST' just doesn't have the same ring to it." And lo, our heroes raced towards their final confrontation. ***** Twoflower, Calculus, and Jake had used their combined Mad Admin Skillz to force Phineas down to the sub-basement. "Ha! Where are the great and legendary warriors now?" Phineas demanded. "They are two cowardly to face me!" "Who the hell are these 'great and legendary warriors' he keeps babbling on about?!" Twoflower asked. "Right here!" called a voice. The Admins looked back to see Illyria, Greg, and Scott posing dramatically in the doorway. (Meanwhile, Kate was upstairs having a discussion with Roe about the "No Weapons" rule at the party. The discussion ended with her having to leave the Sword of Zephyros in the trunk and take the Nerf Masamune instead.) "Ah, so there you are!" Phineas cried gleefully. "I shall take great pleasure in destroying you. You shall find that I am not so easy to defeat this time." The Admins shrugged and got out of the way. Greg pointed a finger at Phineas. "Fireball!" he exclaimed. A bolt of lightning shot from his finger and missed Phineas. "Okay, so I'm still getting the hang of this," Greg admitted. Phineas laughed. "You have no hope of winning this battle. Surrender now, and perhaps I won't destroy you...yet." "I'm heeeeere!" Kate called, brandishing her Nerf Masamune. "And I brought help, too!" She stepped aside to reveal a figure behind her. "Destruction?" the mysterious figure asked. "You want destruction? I'm a GODDESS of destruction, baby!" Todd Harper walked into the sub-basement. Phineas laughed. "And what do you think *you* can do?" he asked mockingly. Todd closed his eyes and began chanting. "Darkness from twilight, crimson from blood that flows..." The others suddenly realized that they should probably be somewhere else, so they ran for the stairs as quickly as possible. "...buried in the flow of time; in Thy great name, I pledge myself to darkness! Those who oppose us shall be destroyed by the power you and I possess! DRAGU SLAVE!!" Things went boom real good. A few minutes later, Twoflower and the four warriors returned to the remains of the sub-basement. Todd grinned at them. "Well, guess it's really over now," Kate stated. The others nodded. Twoflower pointed at Greg, Kate, Illyria, Scott, and Todd. "Cleanup duty!" he barked. The group sweatdropped. FIN ***** Author's Notes: Wow. I think I got a little carried away there. What started as a fun idea one night grew into this *epic* monster of a chapter. I mean, this is one of the largest things I've ever written! I had the greatest time writing it, too. I can't remember the last time I had so much fun. Here's the long and obligatory list of thank yous. Economy-size thanks go to: * Illyria and Greg Hoogendam, for going along with these insane plans of mine. Especially Greg, who now will be forever known as the Team K Mascot. ^_~ * Scott Schimmel, for allowing me to introduce him, agreeing with my insane plans, and providing quite a few funny bits of dialogue. * Steve Scougall, for providing his scenes. Hey, it was the least I could do after he generously included a few things of mine way back in chapter 20. ^_^ * Phoebe, Cham, Mark Poa, and Todd Harper for contributing ideas for their various scenes. I hope I did you guys justice. ^_~ * Jonatan Streith, Myth, and Ravi for indirectly setting this up in their previous chapters. I'll bet you all had no idea this was coming, eh? ^_~ * W4, Ye Officale Grammare Nit-Pickere and Catcher of Rogue Commas. ^_^ I really, really hope you guys enjoyed reading this as much as I did writing it. It was truly a labor of love. You all are the best! ^_^ Kate ***** Dramatis Personae: Aaron Pinnick: Chez Impro - Cheese Fest Aaron Shattuck: Chez Impro - current location unknown Angelcat: Chez Impro - Cheese Fest Anko: Chez Impro - Cheese Fest Ardweden: Chez Impro - covered in paint BlackMage: Chez Impro - Cheese Fest Blade: Chez Impro - outside the Cheese Fest Calculus: Chez Impro - Basement Cham: Chez Impro - hosting the Cheese Fest Chris: Chez Impro - hunting Steve ColdFury: Chez Impro - Cheese Fest Coyote: Chez Impro - Cheese Fest Damien Roc: Chez Impro - Cheese Fest Dan: Chez Impro - Cheese Fest Delfina: Chez Impro - covered in paint Epsilon: Chez Impro - outside the Cheese Fest Eslington: Chez Impro - cosplaying with Myth Eternal Lost Lurker: Chez Impro - Cheese Fest Falcon: Chez Impro - Cheese Fest Fatman: Chez Impro - Cheese Fest Greg: Chez Impro - Basement H: Chez Impro - current location unknown HottCoffee: Chez Impro - Cheese Fest Jake: Chez Impro - Basement Jeff: Chez Impro - Cheese Fest Jesse: Chez Impro - de-mimed Jonatan: Chez Impro - watching TV Kate Malloy: Chez Impro - Basement Katy: Chez Impro - Cheese Fest Kimberli: Chez Impro - Iceberg Illyria: Chez Impro - Basement Lady Chaos: Chez Impro - Cheese Fest Lawrence: Chez Impro - Cheese Fest Mark Poa: Chez Impro - watching TV Mechalink: Chez Impro - Cheese Fest Montae: Chez Impro - Cheese Fest Myth: Chez Impro - cosplaying with Eslington NeoVid: Chez Impro - watching TV Nick: Chez Impro - Cheese Fest nihility (Eric): Chez Impro - Cheese Fest Omi no Miko: Chez Impro - Cheese Fest Phoebe: Chez Impro - making evil plans Rain: Chez Impro - current location unknown Rags: Chez Impro - Cheese Fest Random: Chez Impro - Cheese Fest Ravi: Chez Impro - Bar Robin: Chez Impro - Cheese Fest Roe: Chez Impro - Living Room Samantha: Chez Impro - Cheese Fest Scott Schimmel: Chez Impro - Basement Squall (John Evans): Chez Impro - Cheese Fest Stephica: Chez Impro - Cheese Fest Steve Scougall: Chez Impro - watching TV Tameran: Chez Impro - Cheese Fest Todd: Chez Impro - Basement Twoflower: Chez Impro - Basement VVerevvolf: Chez Impro - Cheese Fest Wang Tu Chung Chez Impro - Cheese Fest W4: Dead (waaaah! *sniffle*) Yun Cheolsu: Chez Impro - Cheese Fest Bimbos: Loose in California Catguys: Loose in California Chippy: BBQ Clone Woofer: Basement - Clone tanks Cousin Pete: Moving away Dragon: Chez Impro - Front yard Evil Neighbors From Hell: Moving away Hardhead Fred: Moving away Iron Chef Chen Kenichi: Chez Impro - Kitchen Jess: Chez Impro - Iceberg Keith Richards: Abu Dhabi Kieran McWatson: The Past Kimberli's Mecha: Chez Impro - Iceberg Leonardo DiCaprio: Abu Dhabi Mysterious Man: Clone tanks Mecha Tom Green: Abu Dhabi Old Man: The Past Phineas McWatson: Dead - Past and Present Quistis: Chez Impro - Held hostage by Phoebe Ragnarok: Chez Impro - Parking lot Ura: Chez Impro - Iceberg Zombie Elvis: Clone tanks