Every car has a driver. Every team has a leader. Every ship has a captain. In the first year of the 21st century, there was but one great hope for mankind. One last chance for freedom. One last chance to exist. One last chance to... party. This is the story of Starship Impro, and her Captain and Crew. Captain... "Twoflower's log. Stardate... ... ... Computer, pause entry. Anyone know the Stardate?" "Nope!" Jake shrugged slightly while trying to decode the controls on the communication panel once more. Roe woke up briefly in the seat next to Twoflower, and peered around as if in a daze. "Huh? Eh? Stardate?" "Nada." Dan shrugged from his post at the weapon's station and continued to flip through a magazine he pulled from the bridge magazine rack next to his chair which looked suspiciously like the living room Laz-E-Boy. "...It's Tuesday?" Roe offered. ".... Computer, resume log. Stardate ...Tuesday. *sigh*" "Hey! I figured out the helm controls!" */ \* */ \* */ \* */ \* */ \* */ \* */ \* */ \* */ \* */ \* */ \* */ \* */ \* THIS IS THE UNTRUE STORY ABOUT WHAT HAPPENS WHEN FANFICTION AUTHORS STOP BEING NICE AND START BEING SUPER-DEFORMED. IMPROFANFIC PARTY #42 "Where No Party has Gone Before.." Original Idea by Ryuuen Stolen... er.... Adapted by Roe, Twoflower and W4 This Finale Chapter brought to you by: ColdFury */ \* */ \* */ \* */ \* */ \* */ \* */ \* */ \* */ \* */ \* */ \* */ \* */ \* There are battles that go down in legend. Waterloo. The Alamo. Thermopylae. Battles that are studied by young soldiers, battles that are the cornerstones of a nation's identity. The fierce conflict currently centered on deck nine of Starship Impro would be one of these battles. According to one of the participants, anyways. "Doshita doshita!" Roll to the left, brush back the hair, taunt again. "Oosha!" Roll forward, rise with hand in an ever-MANLY fist, and shout, "OYAJIIII!" Dan Hibiki, otherwise known as ColdFury when he wasn't suffering from a case of misplaced identity that would send Nancy Drew running terrified back to her daddy, flashed a glinty smile at his opponent. Surely, the victory would soon be his, for he was Dan, and Dan Is Mighty! "Whuffle," replied 'Dan's' fearsome opponent. "Indeed, whuffle!" ColdFury nodded sagely. "You are certainly a worthy opponent, Quistis! If not for my unbeatable skills and manly muscle, you certainly would have had this day!" The aardvark looked up at him and blinked. She then turned around and waddled back towards the bar, hoping to get something at least mildly alcoholic after dealing with that strange fellow who was wearing far too much pink. ColdFury laughed, planting his fists on his hips as he watched her go. "Yes, the day is mine! Hahahaha-" The deck suddenly tilted 35 degrees. "-I tink I brode by node," he wailed as he pulled himself away from the bulkhead. * * * * * "Jane! Stop this crazy thing!" "Angelcat's off joyriding, Twoflower." Clutching desperately to his chair, Twoflower replied, "Then Delfina! Kate! Someone who won't end up killing us all!" Looking far less frightened at the concept of making a perfect swan dive into a red giant than he should, Jake dryly noted, "Funny. Before you stuck her in the pilot's seat, would you have included Illyria in that list?" "If I'd stopped to think about what she'd be like with all of our lives in her hands? No." Twoflower wrenched another spare (hopefully) part off his chair and chucked it at the back of Illyria's head. "STOP!" "HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA*bonk*owHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA," was her reply. "Look," Dan replied quite reasonably. "You can't go insane and take the ship on a suicidal joyride. Look at where you're sitting and what role you're filling. Would HE do that?" There was a short pause as Illyria processed this. "I'm in the same chair as... WESLEY!" Her hands darted for the controls, and the ship's arc towards the star accelerated. Jake, Roe, and Twoflower glared at Dan. He swallowed. "Uh... well... what I meant was... look, you can't be Wesley. We'd have to have the young boy genius who cleans up everyone else's messes to be Wesley, right?" There was another short pause as they all processed this. Twoflower reached out and tapped his comm panel. "Hey Calc, are you sure you don't wanna pilot the ship? You sound perfect for the role, really." A series of sounds entirely inappropriate for anything on Improfanfic, save the books-on-tape version of H!flash (starring James van der Beek as Henchi and Cybil Shepherd as Nami; pick yours up today!), was his reply. There was yet another short pause as everyone on the bridge reconciled what they were hearing with who was involved in producing the noises. "He's DEAD!" came Illyria's response as she stormed off the bridge, slamming her hand against the console before she went to activate the autopilot. The four remaining bridge occupants watched her go, then turned to the screen to see the ship make a nice recovery from its trajectory towards the star. "Well," Twoflower cheerfully said as he sank back into his chair. "One crisis averted. Dan, make me a drink." * * * * * "Did you hear something? Like something was coming?" Angelcat asked as she stirred her (virgin) margarita. Katy shrugged. "Sure, but it has to come from inside the ship, right? Sound can't travel through the vacuum of space. Must just be something lose in the air vents." "But wouldn't that only be true if the normal laws of physics applied?" Chris reasonably asked as he retrieved another cold beer from the minibar of the group's current joyriding vehicle. "And how often have they been adhered to 'round here?" This question was rolled around the minds of the people present, leading to one inevitable response. They all raced to the viewscreen and let out one solid, terrified scream as they saw the Starship Impro barrelling towards them, on autopilot and with its bridge crew currently exploring the many wonders of fermentation. * * * * * "Ain't no party like an Impro party cuz an Impro party can't STOOOOPPP!" Jesse sung violently into the karaoke mic, much to the dismay of many of those present in the lounge aptly dubbed Twelve-Forward by Illyria. Being the largest trekkie on board, she had quickly run around, naming parts of the ship before anyone else had a chance to argue. The sounds of slightly more terrified shrieks than normal broke Jesse out of his rhythm. He was used to screams of fear upon his approach to the microphone, not in the middle of the song. He looked out the glass of Twelve Forward and whimpered. "Mommy." * * * * * Given no time to react, the minivan promptly smashed into the nose of the starship. This had two effects: one, it dumped them all unceremoniously into the ship's Twelve Forward as the two hulls decided that rending into teeny tiny bits would be a wise move. Two, it snapped them out of the needlessly formal and expository tone they'd been using before. C'est la vie. "Aww man," said a figure at the bar. "I was just trying to get me a peanut butter n' nanner sammich when y'all came busting in here." Kate flashed an annoyed look over at Young Elvis before running over to make sure everyone was all right. "Are you all right?" she asked, in a stunning display of narrative redundancy. "I think so," Kimberli groaned, clutching at her head as she stumbled over the wreckage. She blinked. "Is SCOTT all right, is the question?" Kate sighed. "They just didn't have a good alcohol supply in the rec room. Did you know that they didn't have a single tang driver in the minibar?" "Tang's good drinkin'," Elvis agreed before leaving on a search for bananas. "I jusht luv all you guysh sho much!" Kate gave Scott a pat on the cheek. "We know, Scott. Have another glass." Jesse pried himself loose from a large piece of hull that had been tossed his direction in the collision. "Don't worry everyone, I'm okay." He paused and blinked at the lack of anyone coming his way to confirm. "I said... I'm okay!" LIIIICK. "Whuffle." Quistis licked Jesse across the face happily. "...Sadly, the most action I've gotten at party." Jesse muttered. * * * * * Twoflower looked at Dan. Dan looked at Roe. Roe looked at Jake. Jake did not look at the pilot's seat, and neither did anyone else on the bridge. The admins had more pressing matters on their minds, and they showed their typical focus of attention in a crisis, near-crisis, or moderately unsettling situation. "Dan..." Twoflower slowly began, his voice weighty, "I have to say that I'm.... sorrrrrry!" A mad giggle escaped his lips as he swiped Dan's little plastic peg off the game board, sending it clattering to the desk below. "Bastard," Dan groused. * * * * * "BASTARD!" Illyria screamed at she stormed into Engineering. "Yoooooou bastard!" "Um," Calculus explained as he pushed H away. "I can explain?" "No you can't!" "Oh, go away," H pouted as she waved Illyria back towards the door. "You're ruining all our fun." A catfight ensued. Yes, that's all you're getting for description, boyos. Ha ha. * * * * * "Wow, I didn't even know we carried lime jello on the ship," Dan mused as he received the report from Engineering. "Hey, where'd you find that?" he asked Illyria as she stormed back onto the bridge. "Omi. And shut up." "Finally! Illyria! Take us out! Find us a planet! High sea and adventure here we come!" Twoflower pointed to the viewscreen dramatically while standing on his chair. "High 'space' and adventure, would be more correct I think." Dan noted. "Nogetat." Twoflower flopped in his chair with a small pout. * * * * * "Oosha!" "Yes, we know, Fury." "Fury? Who is this Fury of which you speak, unless it is the fury of DAN'S mighty fists!" Delfina conked her head against the coffee table. Actually, she was aiming for the coffee table, but ended up doing a headplant right into a bowl of popcorn, instead. "...That's it," she grumbled as she started picking pieces of popcorn out of her hair. Neovid stood beside the couch and eyed Fury nervously. "Can we do something about him?" "Oraoraoraora!!!" Neovid sweatdropped. Pulling out a Nerf sword, Rain drawled. "I say we beat him on the head till he gets back to normal." "Oooh! Good idea!" Delfina jumped up and pulled out a heavy Nerf mallet. "But why stop there? Let's make him better than normal!" A malicious grin spread over Neovid's face. "This could be... interesting." "Uh. Um. Oosha?" ColdFury made the wisest tactical move a would be Saikyo master could make. He rolled at top speed in a retreating direction. * * * * * A planet hung low and heavy on the viewscreen, blue and green and pink. Twoflower sat back in his chair and, after a moment of thought, said, "Open a channel to the planet." Jake blinked, and turned to him. "Uh, to WHO on the planet?" "I don't care, anyone. Send a message and see who responds. There's gotta be a adventure around here somewhere." There was a short pause as Jake figured out how to send the message. There was a longer one as they waited to see if anyone had heard them saying their electronic howdy. Then, suddenly, without warning, a massive, hulking figure filled the viewscreen, filling their hearts with dread! How frumulous were the gnish-gnashing of the teeth as the vorpal blade went snicker-snack! How... well... Actually, the figure cutely chirped, "PUU!" There was another short pause as the bridge crew processed this. "...I believe we shall try another planet for our adventures." "Great idea!" * * * * * "Myaa?" "No." * * * * * "Kupo!" "Make them stop dancing. It frightens me." * * * * * "[Whuffle.]" "...Nah, we'll save aardvarks of the [VOID] for another day." * * * * * Twoflower taptaptapped his fingers on the armrest in irritation. If this was a Star Trek episode, the writers would have been fired by now. There was a distinct lack of action and a distinct glopping sugary abundance of cute. "Try the last planet there. If it's full of romping piglets, just blow it up. I want explosions, dammit!" Approximately 2.4 seconds after Jake sent out yet another request, the viewscreen flashed back to life. There was no face; rather, the wall-sized screen was filled with two objects. Two bouncing objects, to be specific. As soon as the males (most of them, anyways) processed what they were looking at, one noise filled the bridge. The sound of nasal blood erupting in several spectacular roostertails is a distinct one. Illyria and Dan looked at each other in momentary annoyance, then turned back to the screen. "Hi," Illyria tersely said. "Hiiiii!" chirped the too-cheery catgirl. "Did you know that your chest is much smaller than mine?" "..." Narrowly avoiding a Bad Situation, Dan jumped in with, "Can we talk to someone in charge?" "Oh, sure!" she giggled, putting her paw cutely in front of her mouth. "Be right back!" "I think we should blow up the planet," came the voice from the helm. "NO!" came three very weak voices of three men recovering from blood loss. "We... need to resupply. Maybe they have soda?" Twoflower nodded convincingly. "Definitely have to stay and check out the... sodas. "And the chips!" Roe added. "They might have chips, and other food!" "Screw that, I'm gonna check out their breasts." Jake shrugged. "I don't know why you two are suddenly so gung-ho about supplies." "..." Twoflower MALLETED Jake with a 'Party Approved' AdminSpace mallet. "Did I say breasts? I meant their breaaadloaves. We can never have too much fresh, bouncy bread." Jake rubbed the rapidly growing knot on his skull. "Look. We're ambassadors for a race that no longer has a home. We are the only humans this race will ever meet, and we need to exude an aura of professionalism and competence in order to impress them." Illyria kept an icy gaze on the viewscreen to avoid glaring at one of the offending males on the bridge. "Just because she was an attractive alien by your standards, doesn't mean you can just drool... all... over..." "Illyria?" Twoflower walked up to the helmswoman and waved his arm in front of her face. "She's... drooling." Roe walked up behind Twoflower, and inspected Dan. "Odd. He is too. Perhaps there's something in the atmospheric controls slowly inducing a comatose state amongst the crew." "Perhaps the replicators malfunctioned, and our food is slowly poisoning us." Twoflower stroked his chin thoughtfully. "This could be serious, we should--" Twoflower was cut off by Jake clearing his throat. "Or maybe they're both looking at him." Jake pointed at the viewscreen. Both the Captain and his first mate turned to see a catguy on the viewscreen with shoulder length blue floofy hair. Roe blinked twice before voicing the thought going through everyone's minds. "James from Pokemon?" "James-sama!" Illyria drooled at the image of the embarassed catguy on the monitor. "You're married. He's mine." Dan elbowed her, only to receive a patented deathglare. "... Oooor we can share." The catguy scratched the back of his head sheepishly and sweatdropped slightly. "My name is Derek, actually. I am the leader of this planet. How can I assist you?" Twoflower quickly regained his composure and stood up straight. "Greetings, my name is Captain Twoflower, of the Starship Impro, the last survivors from Planet Earth. We come to you--" "Are there lots of people who look like you and the other girl who greeted us on that planet?" Roe asked quickly, ignoring the dark look Twoflower shot him. "Why, of course. This is our home planet, there are over 2 billion men, and 5 billion females on this planet." James smiled at them. "You are, of course, free to visit. Tourism is one of our most lucrative industries." "Shore leave! Whoo!" The entire bridge crew made a dash for the exit, only to wrestle each other for the privilege to get out of it. Twoflower stood behind the crew and tapped Jake on the shoulder. "Mr. Wallace, you have the conn." Jake stopped shoving to exit and blinked as Twoflower shot past him and through the exit doors with the rest of the crew. "Awww nuts." Roe waved as the exit doors shut. "We'll bring you back a souvenir!" Jake sat alone in the bridge, in the Captain's chair. He looked around the empty room, and at the now blank view screen. He sighed quietly, then glanced around one last time before he started spinning in circles in Twoflower's swiveling chair. * * * * * "WHAASSSSUPPPP!!!" Lawrence popped out of a doorway and joined the growing party of people headed for the transporter room. Jesse shook his head. "It's not 'Whasup'. Aren't you paying attention, Chu?" "Really?" Lawrence cocked his head slightly to the left and peered at Lawerence. "What is it?" "KWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEHHHHHHHH!!!" Lurker jumped in between the two as he shouted. "KWWWWWWWWEEEEHHHH!" Jesse nodded while exclaiming his version. "Kweh?" Lawerence asked. "Kweh!" Ladybrick kweh'd cutely. Neovid's shirt spelled out 'KWEH!' as he walked by. "Kweh." Lawerence repeated the saying to himself. "Kweh!" Ardweden shook her head at Delfina. "Aren't in-jokes horrible?" Delfina nodded her head in agreement. * * * * * "Okay! Everyone, we come back in 5 hours, so behave and don't be late!" Twoflower stood on a soapbox as everyone filed into the transporter room to transport to the planet below. "There will be a tour, but if you want, you can just wander around the city we're beaming down into and look around. This is our first alien race, so be gentle with them. We don't want a reputation!" Shattuck looked up at Twoflower with puppy dog eyes. "Does this mean no killing?" "No killing Aaron. Maybe the next alien race." Twoflower shook his head sympathetically. "Hell." Aaron snapped his fingers disappointedly. "Come on Rain, let's leave the katanas in your room." "HELL!" Rain exclaimed loudly. "HELL!" Roe leaned over and whispered into Twoflower's ear. "He does that a lot. Ignore him." "Riiiight." Twoflower shook his head. "So remember, no trying local foods or water, and I don't care how far it follows you on the way home, NO you can't keep it!" Ardweden moped quietly in her spot in the crowd. "Okay, let's have fun!" Twoflower hopped off the soapbox and gestured to Illyria. "Start beaming them down." "I get to be O'Brien! And Scotty! I'm O'Brien and Scotty all in one!" Illyria exclaimed gleefully at once. Damien Phoenix eyed Illyria carefully. "If you're a 300 pound Scot crossed with a 50 yearold Irishman, I think a few men in this room are going to have to rethink their sexual preferences." "..." Illyria tapped the controls threateningly after leveling an annoyed glance at Damien. "If you don't want to be Damien Chihuahua when you materialize on the planet, I would just walk along Dame." "This is me, walking along..." Damien quickly scurried off toward the transporter pad. * * * * * John peered at the board carefully. "Interesting. So you're saying that the... cat over here can only move in the shape of a ball of yarn?" The catgirl nodded kawaiily while she demonstrated the movement of a cat shaped piece on what appeared to be a chessboard. "That's right! You're so smart!" Her face lit up in a cheerful smile. John blushed slightly, and quickly moved away. "So, did you figure out how to play their chess?" Lady Chaos asked him. "...No." John shrugged. "But I thought you understood how all the pieces moved?" His friend poked him in the arm playfully. "Yes, but the best I can figure is that they circle each other the entire time." John sweatdropped. "They never move forward, and she made no mention of capturing other pieces." Lady Chaos sweatdropped slightly, and called over to the catgirl carefully examining the board for her next move. "Ano... has anyone ever finished a game of your chess?" "Finished? Well, I guess not... but it's SO much fun!" The catgirl mew'd happily after her statement. "...If this is their logical thinking at its peak, I'd hate to see their math and sciences." Lady Chaos sweatdropped profusely at the catgirl in question. "Math is hard! Let's go shopping!" "..." "..." * * * * * Rain looked at the mystic catgirl with wide eyes. "What else do you see?" "Miss Neko sees all... for the right price!" A catgirl with mystical looking robes and a turban style headress resting on her ears waved her hands over a ball of yarn she had just thrown down on the table. "The string of pentacles be saying that you are a lonely soul, who only be findin companionship in the group tasks of chaos." Fatman gasped in complete shock. "She sees all!" "It's true!" Rain sobbed loudly and tears rolled down his cheeks as he clutched Miss Neko's hands. "I'm only really complete when I'm maiming and pillaging with Shattuck and the others! It's so true!" Miss Neko nodded wisely. "There, there child. The knot of the southern winds be saying that change is coming, and soon you will find your purpose... your calling. Embrace your destiny, my child!" "Thank you, Miss Neko! Thank you!" Rain stood, and turned to leave with Fatman. "That be $39.95, my child. And I know where you be living so don't try to be skipping the check on Miss Neko, son." * * * * * Wandering down the streets of the town that the Party crew had disembarked on, Rutt silently wondered if going off alone was a wise idea. Slowly but surely the busy streets of the capitol city of the Planet of the Cat People had degraded into a slummy, downtrodden area where a few homeless cat-people sat on the curb and no one dared make eye contact with each other. Considering going back from where he came crossed his mind, but only for a second as he saw something that totally dominated his brain from that point on. A bar with a neon sign of a cattail, with the name 'Le Kitty' under it in pink neon lights. "... Go back, or go to Le Kitty? Hrm. Go back and possibly get killed again, and/or worse... or go to Le Kitty and..." Little 'h's appeared in Rutt's eyes as he quickly scurried over to the bar. Once inside, he found a quaint crowd of cat-people inside, and a few cat- girls wearing only fur and a smile dancing on stage. Entranced, Rutt walked over to the bar. After the show was over, he clapped and whistled loudly. "You're new here." The barcat, a pantherish catguy walked over to Rutt, and started cleaning a glass. "Yup! Just in for the night. We're refugees from the Planet Earth!" Rutt watched the showcat walk offstage. "So, aside from the show, what else is there to try around here?" "Well, we serve a mean glass of milk." "... anything else?" The barcat paused thoughtfully. "Weell, it's not quite legal, but we do partake in a little of the... nip round these parts... for a price." He lowered his voice as he conferred the last part to Rutt. "The nip?" Rutt leaned in closer to listen to him. "You know... catnip. Not that crummy stuff you had on Earth though, this is the REAL deal." "Real deal, huh? Hey wait, how do you know about stuff on Earth?" "Where did you think those TV signals of yours went when you were done with them? I grew up on the Meowmix commercials." The barcat looked sentamental for a moment. "But look, since you're a visitor, I'll give you a free sample. Enough for some of your friends. Anyone wants some more, you send them my way and we can make a deal, ne?" Rutt nodded. "Sounds like fun! I mean, it's just catnip, how bad it could be?" Somewhere, ominous thunder sounded. "Here you go! Don't sniff too much at once, just dip a finger in and then sniff the nip off of it." The barcat handed a small pouch the size of a dice bag to Rutt, full of a gray-ish teal powder. "Gotcha!" Rutt dipped his finger in, but paused before bringing it out. "What's this stuff DO anyway?" "To humans? I dunno. Never tried it out on one before. Maybe nothing. Maybe it makes them really have to pee. Who knows?" The barcat shrugged. "Fair enough!" Rutt, not having a very high survival or dramatic instinct, sniffed the catnip off of his finger. The world immediately went cockeyed from his point of view. * * * * * "OOOSHA! Your feline skills are strong indeed! But they are nothing compared to the mighty taunting fists of Stone Cold Dan Hibiki!" ColdFury flexed a forearm in a manly manner at his opponent. "MEEOOOOOW! Your human fighting style is unknown and frightening to me, but my iron strength and cat agility will prevail in this fight." Lion-O, lord of the Thundercats, the local bowling team, flexed his mighty forearm in return. "It is to laugh, to think that one such as you could defeat the mighty Dan Hibiki!" "It isn't a laughing matter when I have... this! Ball of Omens, come to my hand!" Lion-O reached out and a silver bowling ball flew out of nowhere and slid easily into his grip. "Thunder... Thunder... THUNDER... Thundercats... BOOOOOOOOWWWLL!!" Lion-O swung the bowling ball around and it grew into a larger size ball with every swing. By the final chant it was a 16 pound ball pointed skyward, and a burst of light shone forth from the thumbhole as an image of the Thundercat bowling jersey lit the sky. "Soon, my comrades will be here to help me triumph over you!" "Uh... um... Oosha?" ColdFury blinked. "I suddenly remember that my deceased Oyaji requires my prayer and remembrance at exactly this time, I shall return to pummel you with my mighty fists... uh... later!" "BOOOOOOOOWWWL!" "Meep!" ColdFury ran off faster as a bolt of energy lanced out of the Ball of Omens. * * * * * "And this is our Mystical Spring of Nekodonia." Derek the leader of the Cat People continued the tour of the local attractions. "As you may know, our people are not very fond of water, and have sought alternate methods of bathing and relaxing. The mystical gasses found in the Spring of Nekodonia are imported from the farthest regions of our planet, and pumped into what you humans would call a Sauna. There our people go to relax and rejuvenate." "And this gets you clean?" Kimberli asked curiously. "I prefer Jell-o for alternate bathing." Omi smiled. "Did you say Sauna? Todd, would you care to join me?" Phoebe suddenly snapped to attention. "Go off and try out a mystical Sauna that the locals can't figure out and thus describe as mystic and rejuvenating on a strange alien planet in the middle of the galaxy?" Todd paused. "Oh hell, I've been bored since the Ragnorak blew up. Let's do it!" "Yay!!" The two quickly headed into the building. * * * * * "Destruction is fun! Wai!" Shattuck happily beat up a few random cat people. "Yeah, it's lucky these bowling guys showed up looking for a fight!" Rain beat a Thundercat over the head with a Kendo stick. "I could do without their disco theme music, though." Delfina watched the proceeding destruction bemusedly. "I hope this doesn't go on some sort of group tab." She flinched as Rain destroyed the stereo system said theme music was coming from. "I really hope not." A few feet away, Ardweden was arguing with a merchant. "Please! I have cash! I loooove that Plushie!" The plushie in question was sitting on the counter with a 'Tuxedo Penguin' sign in front of it's face. It seemed to be posing dramatically as well... as well as a penguin CAN pose dramatically at least. "No! I no want no foriegn money at my cart!" The merchant-cat shook his head, his whiskers bristling at the suggestion. "Here, sir. Perhaps this well help. Just put it on my card." Lurker plopped a credit card down on the counter. The merchant examined it. "Hrm, this good. I will take this." He swiped the card through, and handed Ardweden the plushie. "But... how?" Ardweden peered at Lurker questioningly. "There are some things money can't buy. For everything else, there's MasterArd." Lurker smiled. "..." "MY EYES!" All present swiveled to look to see who was causing the screaming. The source of the screaming was Shattuck, which was odd for one major reason. Usually he was the CAUSE of many terrifed shrieks. Not the source of them. Delfina blinked. "What could be terrifying Shattuck??" Shattuck, covered his eyes, still screaming. "My eyes! My eyes! It burned an image in my retinas! Oh god! I can still see it with my eyes closed!" Rain turned to see what Shattuck was screaming about, and promptly dropped his kendo stick. "...hell." Delfina, Ardweden, and Lurker turned to see the disturbance, and promptly each of them sweatdropped profusely. "I feeeel PRETTY!" Rutt stood before them in a thong bikini and with a fruit headdress on his head, a strange pouch in his hand. "Wheee!" "Rutt? What happened to you?" Delfina approached him cautiously, trying not to look directly at his... tan lines. "This!" Rutt handed Delfina the pouch. And promptly collapsed. Lurker kicked him a couple of times, and Shattuck stopped screaming, mostly. "He's out." Lurker eyed the pouch in Delfina's hand. "What IS that stuff?" Delfina peered into the pouch. "I dunno, it's kinda gray." She peered closer into the back, sticking her nose in the pouch in the process of trying to get her eyes as close to it as possible. "Looks like a powder of some kind. Smells kind of... Piiiiiink." "...Pink?" Ardweden blinked. "Pink... and pretty... and floooooofy." Delfina tied the pouch up and handed it to Ardweden. "I feel tired now. Ploof!" Delfina, having enhaled a much too large dose of the catnip, promptly joined Rutt on the floor. Ardweden sweatdropped. "Okay." * * * * * Twoflower shook his head. "Where is everyone? We're still missing a few, and we need to beam up out of here in a few minutes." "We all go home, or nobody goes home!" Neovid's T-shirt read 'G.I. Joe 4Eva!' as he shouted. "... right." Twoflower looked around a bit more. "Ooh! There's Ard, Lurker, and a few others... carrying Rutt & Delf." Ardweden and Lurker put down Delf as Rain and a blindfolded Shattuck put down Rutt next to the assembled group of partygoers. Ardweden caught the accusing glare Twoflower shot at them, and managed to hide behind Lurker. "They're just tired. Really!" Sighing, Twoflower looked at his watch again. "I... don't want to know. Just so long as they don't mutate... into... cat people..." Phoebe and Todd walked up together, looking refreshed and happy. And particularly cat-ish. Phoebe blinked at all the stares. "Whaaat?" She purred softly to herself from all the attention. Todd's whiskers flickered nervously. "What're you staring at?" "Don't you guys... notice something different about each other?" Twoflower boggled at the pair. "Well, my clothes seem to itch. But I feel fine, and Phoebe.." Todd looked at Phoebe, and Phoebe looked at Todd. Both of them jumped back and said. "You're a cat!" Then both of them blinked and looked down. "I'M A CAT!" "Yes, yes you are." Jesse sidled up to Phoebe. "I've got some Friskies back in my quarters, maybe we can try getting Frisky over dinner?" Phoebe utilized the power of the cutegirl slap effect (enhanced by catgirl strength!) and promptly knocked Jesse over with a clear smack to the cheek. "Okay, we'll get to the bottom of this. We'll go to Der-" "Jake to Twoflower! Jake to Twoflower!!!" Twoflower paused and tapped on his commbadge shaped as a rubber ducky insignia on his chest. "Twoflower here." "GET. UP. HERE. NOW!" Twoflower blinked. "Uh, okay. Beam us up, the bridge crew directly to the bridge." * * * * * The bridge crew materialized on the bridge, of all places, and quickly manned their post. Illyria reported first. "Helm status okay, sensors indicate ship approaching us." Dan read his console. "Weapons on stand by. Sensors... cannot find the other vessel's weapon systems." Roe tapped the panel in his first officer's seat. "Everyone's on board." Calc worked the computers. "Engines at 110% normal efficiency. Shields at 102% power status, ready to activate on command." Twoflower nodded at his crew, then turned to Jake who still sat in his chair. "Okay Jake, what's so scary that you had to--" Jake pointed. "Oh dear god." Twoflower paled. "It... it looks like a G4." Illyria stared at the screen. "Borg. They hailed us. Star Trek got one right. Who knew?" Jake shrugged. "'We are Borg. Resistance is mostly futile. Surrender is emminent.'" "That's... borg?" Roe stared at the screen in horror. "But it's..." Dan began. "A giant Nintendo GameCube." Twoflower nodded in affirmation. They must've assimilated it's specs from the Earth floatasms. "And it was such a superior machine... that they incorporated it." Illyria shook her head. "Scary." Roe turned his head skyward and flexed his forearm in a way that would've made ColdFury proud. "DAMN YOU BORG! YOU RUINED A HOLY RELIC FROM A RUINED CIVILIZATION! BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORRRRRRGGG!!" Just then, a Borg materialized on the bridge next to Roe. "You rang?" Roe only just had time to register the arrival of his cursed foe before he got launched over the bridge railing with a hard punch. Twoflower valiantly tried to reach into AdminSpace while shouting commands. "Red Alert! Shields up! All hands, prepare to be boarded!" His hand clamped down on something solid that was in the AdminSpace weapon locker. Before he could pull it out though, the blackness of a borg phaser stun over took him. "Stefan! NOOOOOOO!!" Calc leapt over the railing at Twoflower's assailant but was backhanded to the floor. The Borg quickly grabbed hold of Twoflower, and transported away. Silence filled the bridge. Then slowly... alarms began to sound, as deck by deck, Starship Impro was flooded... with the Borg. * * * * * "N'Sync is like, so totally cool!" Aaron Shattuck chirped as he fired up his E-Kara and started singing along with "Bye Bye Bye." "But not as cool as watching spectator sports in our living rooms while consuming large quantities of fried items!" Kate agreed. "Hey guys! We just found a copy of the Adam Sandler movie that was never released before the Earth blew up! Wanna go pop it in and catch some quality cinema?" "SURE!" * * * * * "The hell?" Jake asked as he stared at the viewscreen. "What is with everyone?" "I think they're being assimilated!" Roe said with horror. "They're moving towards thinking with one mind! There's no more individuality!" "Hey," Illyria said as she watched several Improers run towards a pile of hiphugger jeans that had appeared out of nowhere. The distant sound of singing belly buttons began to spread through the ship. "Just how did we get off the bridge and away from all those Borg?" "..." was the response from the rest of the bridge crew/former bridge crew who was now cowering in a bridge closet off the side of the bridge which, convienently, had a viewscreen. "Plot contrivance. Got it." "Heeeey," Jake said appreciatively. "I think H got obessed with Sex and the City after she got assimilated." As the straight males in the room gathered around to make general noises of appreciation, Illyria stormed out. Did that girl have no shame? Did she have no shame at ALL? Wasn't she the least bit- "Tonight, on part seventeen of this season's 'Friends' opener: Rachel paints the walls, but she and Joey can't decide on a color! Don't miss this Very Special episode!" Illyria slowly turned around as an Enya song began to be hummed behind her. A Borg waved at her. "It'll be Must-See TV!" "Aww, crap." * * * * * "DAN DAN BOOT TO THE HEAD!" Dan flew through the bridge entrance and kicked a Borg's head off. Calculus and Roe stormed into the bridge and fired two fisted phaser action at the other Borg in the room. Within seconds, all five Borg holding the Bridge were downed. Angelcat ran into the room with a bullet proof vest on. "I'm right behind you guys! Go team!." She quickly counted the Borg bodies. "Yay!" Angel waved little bridge crew flags. "Jane!! Modulate the shields or something! Keep the Borg out of the ship!" Roe dove into the Captain's chair. "Dan! Ready all weapons! Calc, we need the genius boy at the helm luck right now. Oh, and Jane, don't worry, if JAKE could operate those controls, you'll be fine." The remaining bridge crew scattered into position and all tasks were done within a few mere moments. Angel saluted smartly at Roe. "Shields modulating, borg transporters are no longer penetrating the ship. I also turned off the elevator music on the bridge." Dan whistle. "Thank GOD for that." Roe grinned, "See? Watching Star Trek two parters DID pay off!" "We're being hailed again!" Angel tapped the controls. "They're on screen!" "I am Twocutus of Borg. I am the speaker for the Borg collective. Resistance is pretty much futile guys. Oh, hold on... the group marketing mind just sent out a motto... supposed to make this a bit more cheerful and easier on you... here it is." Twoflower smiled and straightened his posture. "Where do you want to assimilate today?" "No!" Angelcat gasped. "MicroBorg! Noooo!!" Calculus nearly fell out of his chair. "2F! NOOOOO!" Roe flexed his forearm and gave another manly cry to the heavens. Dan snorted and shook his head. "...You idiots are SURPRISED? I saw this coming from a mile away. Next, Roe'll go kamikazi on us and..." "Calc! Set the ship on a collision course! We're going to need all the power we've got! Dan.. arm all weapons! Let's go out with a bang people!" Roe shook his head. "I'm sorry Twoflower... my friend... my mentor. My comrade. My amigo!" "Hey Calc, do you notice something funny about the borg in the background?" Dan leaned over and whispered to the young helmsman while Roe pontificated on his angst. "If you mean that they're sitting down and playing cards, yes." Calc watched the viewscreen. "I think those two over there... are watching Eva?" "Of course. They've assimilated our thinking, and thus they're getting easily distracted by our hobbies and culture!!" Dan slammed his fist into his palm. Calc stroked his goatee. "Perhaps one more push would break the collective of even caring. One last person to assimilate that's so distracted that..." "That's it!" Dan started punching buttons on his console. "I would consider you my oyaji... you are like my only oyaji now that everyone else on Earth is dead!" Roe was crying manly tears now. "Aha! There he is! Jane, beam this person to Twoflower!" Dan punched buttons, transfering coordinates to Angelcat. * * * * * "THE BORG," chirped the computer, "are highly dangerous enemies. If you're in the Star Trek universe. Because really, it'd be a pretty blatant rip- off if they showed up anywhere else, right? So you can be pretty safe in the knowledge that you won't have to face them!" "Stupid smug computer," Ardweden muttered. She glanced over her shoulder at the people running behind her, all of them shrieking something about how everyone else WAS the weakest link, goodbye! "I don't want to be assimilated!" she cried. "I like my orange soda and DDR!" "Whuffle," Quistis said comfortingly. Ard sighed and let her chin sink into her hand. This was just perfect. The earth was gone, and the way things looked, the last parts of its population were going to fall sway to a sort of horrible marketing groupthink that would strip them of anything but the most distant aspects of their humanity. All that remained now was to wait. At least she could be secure in the fact that she wasn't going to get pulled into some horrible parody of a television show, like everyone else here, until the Borg finally came for her and she didn't have a choice about it. "Hey Ard, wanna go off with me on a suicide run towards the Borg?" She glanced over to Illyria, who had somehow found a leather duster between the last time she'd seen her and now. "Uh, as fun as that sounds, I think I'll pass." "You'll totally be missing out, I'm telling you." Illyria flipped her hair over her shoulder. "Illy the Borg Slayer's gonna toast 'em." "Oh no." Ard bonked her head against the desk, then looked up. "Wait. You're trying to kill them?" "Yup! S'what I do best!" "How ironic," Ard mused to herself. "Is this their weakness? By turning people into reflections of icons of pop culture, they'll also unlock the stronger aspects of those icons?" "And hell-OH, Miss Exposition." "...Yeah. Sure, why not? I'm up for it! Let's go!" Illyria flipped her hair over her shoulder again. "Just gotta round up the rest of the Scoobies. And get you into some decent slaying clothes. Say, does this ship have a stylist?" *bonkbonkbonk* "Hey, Ard, that can't be good for our productivity." * * * * * "I'm sorry to say that you've been voted off the island." "That's an airlock, you idioooooooooooooooooooooooooooooots!" Blade and Epsilon looked at each other as the doors rolled closed on Young Elvis, then ran away snickering. It was good to kill the King. * * * * * "I'm a Scooby! That's so cool," Jesse enthused. "I could do without the Hawaiian shirt, though." "Zip it, Xander," Illyria commanded as she took the shuttle out of the docking bay. "So here's the plan. We zoom over to the Game Cube, say some quips, fire some shots, save the day, and try not to break out into song." Ardweden, Jesse, and Phoebe exchanged glances. "Ohhhh," Phoebe said as they entered the grips of deep space. "She wasn't being ironic when she asked me if I'd ever felt like slaying some bad guys." "It might have been good if we tried to get someone else assimilated," Jesse mused. "Then we could have had some kick-ass vampires or witches or something. I mean, besides our kick-ass catgirl, who I'm sure could beat me in a fight any day of the week," he added as Phoebe shot him a dark glance and examined her claws. "Or we could have wound up with urbanites who make 'witty' quips at each other trying to face down the Borg," Ard pointed out. "Hey, that could have worked! Think..." Jesse trailed off, then brought his hands around in a sudden motion to frame his face. "The Borg could face down... Just Jesse!" "... ... ... Never do that again," Ard and Phoebe said as they shuddered in unison. "Okay, guys! We're approaching that cube thingy! Prepare the STAKE!" "Uhhh... Illy... sweetie... you do realize that we can't actually take down a Borg cube by hitting it with a piece of wood, right?" She turned around and rolled her eyes. "Strategic Targetting Alignment for Killing Enemies. You know, our cutely-named weapons system. Bang bang, you're dead?" A moment paused. The three sane people in the cabin turned around and looked at each other. "Why on earth do we have all these things at a party?" Ard finally asked. "Otaku really do have more fun," Jesse said sagely as he nodded his head. Then he said "ow" as Phoebe thwapped him. * * * * * "ONE-EIGHT-HUNDRED-CALL-ATT!" Rutt yelled as he screamed at Rags through his makeup. "ONE-EIGHT-HUNDRED-COLLECT!" Rags screamed back at him. "Did you know you can get a twenty minute phone call for only a dollar?" Chen Kenichi asked from the side of the room. * * * * * In every generation, there is a Slayer, told of in legend. Most of them die before they turn eighteen. There's a reason for this. "Come! *BANG* On! *BANG* I don't think they're even *BANG noticing *BANG* us!" Illyria scowled, then launched another volley of attacks at the cube. They bounced harmlessly off the shields, sending them right back at the shuttle. "Grrrr!" she growled as she took the ship into evasive maneuvers to avoid the return shots. "You are SO going down!" A lot of the Slayers just plain aren't very smart. "Jocularity. Two double word scores and a triple. That puts me at... seven hundred and fifty-two points!" "I think we should bar the English major from our next game," Phoebe griped as she looked through her Scrabble tiles. "Or try and steal some of her luck." "C...a...t...g...i...r...l," Jesse spelled out as he laid his tiles on the board. "What can I say, you inspired me, Pheebs. Ow!" He rubbed the spot on his head where Phoebe had thrown a tile at it. "Will you stop hitting me?" "Then don't call me Pheebs!" Phoebe stared at her tiles again: X U F W Z B C. She looked at the board. She looked back at her tiles. Then the three Scrabble players looked over to the cube just in time to see yet another of Illyria's volleys headed right back towards them. Then, very calmly, Phoebe took her F, U, and C tiles and laid them at a perpendicular to the word "kitsch." As the shuttle ducked and rolled yet again, Ard and Jesse looked over the Scrabble board at her. Phoebe shrugged. "It seemed appropriate." "...Can't argue with that, I suppose," they both agreed. * * * * * Lurker wasn't doing so well. People had started acting funny, and instead of trying to save them, his self preservation instinct had kicked in. He currently was hiding under the counter in Twelve Forward listening for any sounds of anyone else still resisting or being assimilated. Suddenly, a tingly sensation surrounded him. Everything blurred around him, and when it cleared, he was elsewhere. He looked up to see Twoflower, covered in Borg technology, looking down at him. "No..." He looked around for a place to run, a place to escape to. He didn't know how they had found him like that, but there had to be.... "Hey! You might like this..." Twocutus dropped a book in Lurker's lap. Slowly, the siren call of curiosity turned Lurker's head. His eyes read the cover and slowly glazed over as he picked up the book and started to open it. * * * * * "Harry Potter. Those BASTARDS." Dan swore. "Even Lurk didn't deserve that." "I will avenge you my friend, my comrade, my Twoflower!" Roe stood on the Captain's chair and pointed forward. "Ramming speed, my men!" "Shut UP you fool! Look!" Dan gestured toward the screen also. The Borg gathered around behind Twocutus had stopped doing anything useful, and seemed to be gathering around kiosks. "What're they doing?" Angelcat whispered quietly, as if the Borg's spell might be broken if they heard her. Calculus tapped a few buttons and sweatdropped. "They're websearching cheesecake and porn." "..." Twocutus just kinda of stared off into space, as if he had forgotten what he was doing. "VICTOLY!" Angel jumped up and shouted for joy, making a little V-sign with her fingers. She then quickly realized what she had done and sat back down, her cheeks a strong shade of red. "Er... right then! Beam everyone over there to the ship and set course for away from here at top speed!" Roe gestured quickly. "Come on! Today!!" Calculus frantically tapped some keys. "Course laid in!" Dan punched buttons on his end, "Got a lock on everyone!" Angel sat back in her chair and said, "Computer, beam back all crew members that Dan locked onto as quickly and efficiently as possible." Roe stared at Angel, and then turned to Calc. "Aren't you supposed to be the genius here?" "Linux doesn't have voice activation software! When I panic, I think in command line!" Calculus protested. The computer responded with a voice that sounded suspiciously like H's. "All targets aboard Starship Impro." "..." Dan stared at Calculus this time. "She did it! I hadn't had time to fix it yet! Honest!" Calculus punched another button on his console. "Course engaged..." Dan watched the monitors on his panel closely. "They're... NOT pursuing! We're clear!" "VICTOLY!" Roe jumped in his chair and held his hand out in a V-symbol. "A winner is us!" Angel cheered happily. "All your Borg are--" Dan started. "[Don't]." Calculus finished. "Sorry." * * * * * "We didn't get to do ANYTHING!" Illyria wailed as Starship Impro took off without them, free of pursuing Borg. "We played a fun game of Scrabble," Jesse corrected her. "Two million and thirty-seven points!" crowed Ard's triumphant voice. "Definitely barring the English major next time," Pheobe griped. "So..." the four of them said. "What now?" They sat in silence for a while. Finally, Jesse spoke up. "Wander around the galaxy, solving crimes?" "YEAH!" they all cheered. "And then I can find my Watcher!" Illyria added. The other three shared a look, but said nothing. "Okay!" Jesse said as he took the helm. "The Scoobies are gonna go live up to their names! Come on, let's go!" "R'okay!" said Quistis, who'd mysteriously shown up out of nowhere. As the shuttle took off in the opposite direction of Starship Impro, headed into the inky blackness of space towards parts unknown, a lone voice could be heard inside. "Uh... one problem. I'm still a catgirl." "Quistis is talking, Illyria thinks she's Buffy, and we just formed a crimefighting group, and you say ONE problem?" "Point. Let's go!" * * * * * "And so, it appears that the entire party has recovered, and is back in full swing. We received a message from Ard that they were okay, but out... fighting crime." Calculus pointed at the screen of statistics on the crew. "Enh.... okay. Overall, good job. And now I have this neat-o eye plating! Well, I think this wraps up this little escapade." Twoflower nodded. "It feels as if we're forgetting something." Roe blinked. "Hey... you're right. This is the end of Party.... what can we be forgetting?" Jake shrugged. "Sex?" Twoflower shook his head, "No, that's still coming." He flipped throught he script. "Hrmmm." "OH MY LINA!" Calculus gasped. "What's up Calc?" Twoflower peered over at the young boy. "This... this can't be right!" Calculus promptly started typing on the console. Twoflower sweatdropped. "Anooo... this can't be good." Dan leafed through his copy of the script. "Hey.. the pages are fading out?" Roe glanced down at his own copy. "Even the cover page is fading... what the?" "Oh no." Twoflower closed his eyes. "I hate when there's..." "TEMPORAL PARADOX! Computer! Take the design I've just made, and implement, and raise shields! NOW!" Calculus stopped typing and closed his eyes. "Brace yourselves!" "For wha--?" The entire ship rocked back and forth suddenly, knocking everyone to their feet. That was normal for a Star Trek parody. A console exploded, a party-goer in a red shirt who never got introduced but turned in a profile died in a shower glitter of flame and light. Again, normal for this sorta thing. That is... until the energy wave hit them. Every fibre of their being, every atom of their existence, was pulled. Strained. And for a moment, their entire reality threatened to blink out of existence. "... What the HELL was that?" Jake stopped puking long enough to ask. "I'll... I'll show you." * * * * * In the beginning, there was nothing. Okay, that's a lie. There was something, but it defies all but the most simplistic attempts to define or describe it. It was BIG, okay? Gaseous beings collided together, as the Big Bang occurred, and the Cosmos was born. Nothing could exist there under normal circumstances. Nothing SHOULD have existed. Unfortunately for one Kiernan McWatson, he existed there due to a fluke in the space time continuum. "..." was all he could say before he popped out of existence as the reality was formed. * * * * * "Is there anything these viewscreens CAN'T show you?" Jake's mouth was agape as he stared at the screen. "So? Kiernan died. Big deal." Twoflower shrugged. "Your point?" "Kerinan McWatson never married. Thus never had children." Calculus explained while he typed furiously onto his console. "... and thus Scott Watson was never born." Angelcat, Illyria's impromptu replacement finished. "And all of Party..." Roe blinked. "...Never existed." Twoflower finished. "This canNOT stand! We'll have to find a way to reverse this, and..." "According to every simulation we've run... the Earth died because of something that happened at Party." Dan shook his head. "If we CAN reverse this, maybe we shouldn't. The Earth could be saved." "..." Twoflower responded. "Daaamn." Roe sighed. "What does it matter? The Party's still going in this little bubble. It keeps the temporal stuff at bay, right?" Jake grinned. "Earth lives, we party on. Yay!" "Computer, how long can we maintain these shields?" Angelcat asked. "Thirty minutes, you Calculus stealing TRAMP." The H Computer simulation responded. "..." The Bridge crew responded. "I guess her wiring got crossed since I replaced Illyria." Angelcat blushed and fell back in her chair. Calculus blushed, but continued typing, for a few more keystrokes. "Okay, I've got it." "... Calc you RULE." Twoflower sat back in his chair. "Problem solved by the Calc-meister." "Yeah Calc!" Jake gave a thumbs up. "How?" Dan asked. Calculus stood and pulled a diagram up onto the screen. "Simple. I've configured a temporal slider. Enough power for one person to make a few jumps through time by leaping into people's bodies. Temporal sensors will indicate the critical moment that decided the Earth's fate, and eventually leap that person back there. Then, after that's done, leap to the point where Kiernan was in the time machine, and fix it so he doesn't die. And when history realigns itself, the shields will be modulated to eject us into the timestream at the right point, on Earth, memories intact." Calculus finished, took a breath, and sat down. "...." "...." "...." "All in favor of nominating Calc?" Twoflower asked. "AYE!" "It's unanimous. Calc, you're the only one who could fix that thing on the fly. Are the shields modulated properly?" Twoflower put his hand on Calculus' shoulder and gave his friend a supportive smile. "..." Calculus stood thinking for a moment, and sighed. "Yes, they are. You're right. Blargh." "You can do it Calc-sama!" Angelcat pulled out Calculus flags and waved them wildly. "I believe in you!" Jake clapped. "You can do it, Calc." Dan stood and nodded. "I'm behind you if you need me." Roe gave Calculus a thumbs up. "Calcu-Wan Kenobi... you're our only hope." Twoflower nodded. "Get to it!" Calculus sighed, and stood once more. "Computer, replicate and transport the specs on my console into my hand." A small device appeared in his hand. "Ready... ENGAGE." A flash of light blinded everyone in the room, and then Calculus was gone. * * * * * Calculus' head felt a little foggy as he attempted to deduce where he was. The temporal slider was still in his hand, and that was good. He might jump into people's bodies, but at least he had one bit of reality from his real life. He was... sitting... in a comfy chair. He had a suit on.. and a top hat. He was in a balcony... and a stage was spread out before him. A man came out on stage to applause, and quietly gestured for silence. "Hello, my name is Mr. John Wilkes Booth. You might remember me from such productions as 'Bang Bang, now you're Dead', and 'The North Stinks and I hope they Die'. I'd just like to say on behalf of the cast, that we're very proud to have President Lincoln in our audience today." Applause rang throughout the theatre. Calculus blanched as he realized it was all direct at him. "Too far back..." He tapped the device, it searched for a closer temporal coordinate, and with another flash, he was off again. * * * * * "o/~ nozomu no nara, oikakete kite ano kuchidzuke wa akai tattoo; sadame no yokoku kizamu tattoo watashi ni nara, hitome de wakaru kuchibiru-gata ni itamu tattoo; kakusenai wa anata It's Moon Revenge, wooo... o/~" Ladybrick finished her song with pride. Applause range throught Twelve- Forward, and a slight blush rose to her cheeks. "Thank you ever--" Suddenly pushed out of the way by an upset Lawrence, Ladybrick found herself on the floor unceremoniously. "That was nothing! This is my tribute to a lost comrade! Jesse! I'll filksing in your place, man!" " o/~ Hate is very very bad! You sho-- o/~ " Ladybrick quietly MALLETED Lawrence and picked up the Karaoke mic. "And for my next number..." * * * * * Another flash, and Calculus found himself about to be hit by a Roe swinging a War Hammer. He jumped back into the street, and saw a MiniVan speeding towards him. "The Champagne Minivan! So... I'm closer!" "Tom Green! DIIIIE!" Roe charged at him. "... crap." Calculus hit a button on the slider, and was gone yet again. * * * * * "Owie. My head still hurts." ColdFury moped at the bar. "Assimilation was tough." Delfina nodded. "No, I was talking about the times I got beat up while I was thinking I was Dan. I'm STILL sore. Thank god the anti-assimilation classes straighted my head out fully." ColdFury rubbed a knot on his forehead. Delfina sweatdropped. * * * * * Calculus quickly tried to discern his surroundings this time. "Wh-- OOOOH!" He quickly stopped talking as he realized someone was with him. And under him. 'Oh my.' he thought. 'This feels odd...' "Mooo!" *crunch* *thump* *whack* "ooooooh" *thump* "Unf!" "MOOOOO!" And then Calculus realized who he was, was appalled, but decided to do what she would in this situation. "[THRUST]" "Oof!" Calculus quickly pressed a button on the temporal slider. * * * * * "My name was Brian McGee! I stayed up all night listening to Queen! When I was seventeen!!" Lawrence poured his soul into the karaoke microphone once more, as Ladybrick had taken a break to water her throat. Scott and Ladybrick watched on slackjawed. "I didn't know you could karaoke to the Simpsons." Ladybrick's eyes narrowed, and her jaw set in determination. "He's getting in the way of the real singing." "He's not THAT bad." Scott shrugged. "And now, a special treat in honor of our manly pink former Dan wannabe!" Lawrence cleared his throat and flexed his free forearm. "~/o TAUNT LIKE A MAN! WALK LIKE A MAN! ROLL LIKE A MAAAN OOOYAAAAAJJJIIIIIII!!! ~/o" "Okay, NOW you can kill him." Scott sweatdropped. "Wai!" Ladybrick pulled a frying pan out of mallet space and charged forward. "Die filksinger!!!" "WAAAH!" * * * * * Calculus materialized again. He was holding something in his hand in addition to the temporal slider. A remote. With a button. And he felt pretty. He was bishounen. Taking into account that last fact, he did some calculations. "Likely... this is what causes the destruction. If I was a bishounen... I'd..." He thought. Would pressing the button destroy the world, or would destroying it send everyone to doom? "...If I was Omi's bishounen I'd press it a lot and cry that nothing came out." Calculus nodded. He pointed the Temporal Slider at the remote, and a phaser beam shot out of the Temporal Slider and disintegrated the remote. The Temporal Slider beeped, indicating that goal one was accomplished. "Easy as pie! And yummy too!" Calc rubbed his tummy, then pressed the button. * * * * * "..And after that, it was a cinch to save Kiernan and send him back to his proper time." Calculus finished. All of party that was left assembled before him, and started cheering his name. "CALC-SAMA!" "CALC 3:16 says I programmed j00!" "I want you Calc!" "...Delf?" "YAAAYYY!" Twoflower raised his hands for quiet. "Okay folks... I think this is it. After ALL of this... it's time to..." Lawrence screamed at the top of his substite filk singer lungs. "Party like it's not 1999!!!" "YEAAAH!" "They want..." Roe started. "To keep..." Jake continued. "PARTYING?" Dan finished. "I QUIT." All three former admins stalked off. "..." Twoflower shrugged slightly. "Okay... uh... Todd? Chu? You're in charge. I'm gonna go take a nap." Todd blinked as Twoflower handed him the keys. He fought down an urge to purr quietly from his newfound power. "Exxcelllent." Twoflower turned to go, but a hand on his shoulder stopped him. "Stefan..." "You?!" Twoflower gasped. "We have never settled our score! A Dan champion must be declared!" ColdFury flexed his forearm. "If you don't unplug the controller again!" Montae appeared from nowhere using his MAD SKEELZ, and promptly vanished again. "You're so on! Let's PARTY!" Twoflower pumped his fist in the air, and the party began... once more. ***fin*** Author's Notes: Wow! What a wait! Hope it was partly worth it! I'd like to thank Todd for being understanding (mostly ^_^;;) down to the wire, and I'd like to marry Illyria if marrying was what one did for someone else who TOTALLY SAVED YOUR BACON with this thing, but it's not so I'll settle for expressing my *ETERNAL* gratitude. Illyria wrote big chunks of this, so KUDOS SUPREME go out to her. Plus lots of the overall planning came from her when we were preparing it. I hope I offended no one, most of the funny stuff I approved before hand. Yay! Sign up for Impros! Save the Whales! Thank you a LOT to Illyria & Todd & Jesse and everyone else who helped inspire and write this series. Gotta run! And with all the author nicks and weird anime words, a spell check was impossible. I apologize :P 11/18/01 v1.1 - Fixed the 'cloned jesse' bug ^_- * * * * * "Dan?" "Yes Roe?" "Where did you learn 'Dan Dan Boot To the Head'?" "...ColdFury made me learn it." "..." * * * * * "Hey Ard, can I see that catnip?" "Yeah?" "Oooooh Phoebe...." "Catnip? What's it do... ME-OW." "... Phoebe? What're you doing to Xander back there?!"