The world burned. Mankind had foolishly wasted its only chance at peace and gone to
war. Weapons more terrible than any conceivable today were deployed, and all life on
earth was destroyed.

It's a good job this omake takes place a few centuries before that then.

*****
Do-Gooders
The Do-Gooders World tour
An Omake Serial
This part by Eslington. [Eslington@bigfoot.com]
Part Two: A spooky mansion in a foreign country! What shall our heroines do?
*****

The Do-Gooders trudged up the winding path towards the creepy gothic mansion atop the
large hill, some of them carrying their instruments, all of them arguing about matters
such as luggage handling and proper van driving.
The group stopped as they reached a large cast iron gate. Keiko had once seen the gates
of hell, and these looked amazingly similar. Of course in hell the gates had little blood
red picket fences on either side of them, rather than tall brick walls topped with
spikes, but most of the details were the same, even the little stone gargoyles on the
gate posts. One of the posts had a doorbell intercom attached to it, Ayame pressed the button
to attract the attention of the mansion's occupants.
"Good evening, can I help you?" Said a voice with a distinct British accent.
"Yes oh occupant of this grand house, we require assistance in our mission of spreading
delight across the world as our method of transportation has tragically been rendered
inoperative and we humbly request that you offer us a roof over our heads, four walls
around us and possibly a method of telecommunication to the nearest automotive repair
and modification centre." Answered Ayame.
"Very good Miss, may I simply ask that you put that in slightly less verbose terms?"
Matsuro pushed Ayame lightly aside.
"Our van's broken down, can we stay here tonight and call a garage?"
"Yes, good sir. If you'd just wait a second..."
There was a click and the gate swung open with an agonised squeak. The Do-Gooders looked
at each other, shrugged and walked in.

*

Beneath the Mansion, someone lurked, or more accurately, fiddled with scientific equipment
whilst lurking.
An intercom panel buzzed on the wall. The scientist rushed over to it and stabbed at the
"answer" button.
"Yes, what is it?"
"Master, visitors have arrived."
"Excellent, that small cute thing I trained to jump in front of cars is working like a
charm."
"Actually sir, I chose to notify you because the gate sensors indicate the presence of
powerful magic within our female guests."
The man grinned as he heard the news.
"My day just gets better... Bring one of them to me, so I may study her energies." The
man turned off the intercom and strode away, cackling evilly.

*

The entrance hall of the mansion was, of course, extravagant. The dark oak floor was
covered in part by strips of crimson carpeting. The furnishings were made of the finest
Mahogany and on the walls were pictures of people who, by the look of them, were all related
to each other. Clearly this was a house that belonged to a family of aristocratic breeding.
"Hmm..." Hmmed Aki. "Looks like the owner of this house is a family of aristocratic
breeding."
From one of the room's many entrances, a butler walked in and stood before the band.
Th butler's employer had clearly spent a lot of time searching for a classic English
butler. If any of the band had ever read any of P.G. Wodehouse's books, they would have
found this man unusually familiar, but none of them had, so this was a moot point.
"Good evening. May I take your coats?"
"We aren't wearing coats." noted Tejina.
"Then I shall not take them. May I have your names instead?"
The group introduced themselves, though this dialogue was removed to prevent unnecessary
typing.
"And I am Plage, humble servant to this house, the manor of Wallingfourthshire."
"That sounds like somewhere in England." Noted Keiko.
"It is, the master of the house had it moved after the local coal mining industry
collapsed. I regret to inform you that our phone lines have been blown down in the storm.
I would give you a grand tour of the house but it's late, and you are probably in greater
need of some rest. I shall escort you all to your rooms. The master of the house is busy
in the wine cellar and does not wish to be disturbed but he assures me he shall see you
in the morning."
With that, Plage walked silently out of the room, followed by a slightly confused but
grateful group of teens.

*

Tejina pushed open the door to the first guest room. It was simply furnished with an
empty chest of drawers and two small brass-frame beds, each in a southern corner. Hanaki
walked in around her and collapsed onto a bed. Tejina closed the door and sat down on the
other bed.
"I'm so tired..." Began Hanaki. "I could fall asleep in these sodden clothes."
"Looks like that's the only option."
"What?"
"You left the rest of the clothes in the van didn't you?
"No."
"Han..."
"Well yes, but I'm sure you said it was Kireiko's job to bring them."
Tejina sighed. She was tired too and despite her mission for truth, justice and concert
fees, arguing over the truth with her sister could wait until next morning.
Removing enough clothing to sleep comfortably, but leaving enough to maintain the
PG rating, Hanaki and Tejina settled down to sleep.

*

Ayame had fallen asleep as soon as she got onto the bed and would have slept in a very
uncomfortable position if Becky hadn't turned her over so she wasn't sleeping on her
elbow. Becky had tried to get to sleep, but she had discovered the horrible and terrible
and horrible secret about Ayame that Tejina and Hanaki had hidden from the rest of the world...
"...nnnmmnnnn HA! I shall not allow you to nullify the Emblem! On behalf of the fourth
wall you're punished! Mmmm...."
Ayame exposited in her sleep. Just great. And to make it worse the voices in her head were
arguing again.
[Sailor Rapture must continue in her quest to spread her joyous music across the world!]
[Agent B-A3 must fulfil the objectives set by her parents. If she does not check the
locations for anomalous occurrences then the free world may be in grave danger, as her
parents ordered, she must fulfil this mission with the aid of her associates within the
two weeks allotted. Besides you got those bass lessons off me.]
[Irrelevant! Without the power of her music the world shall never know the possible
rapture that awaits it.]
[The wellbeing of the United States of America and the Earth outweighs your concerns.]
[Does not.]
[Does.]
[Does not.]
[Does.]
[Can you two keep it down? I'm trying to get some sleep!] Thought Becky.
[Sorry] Thought her personalities. Becky settled down into bed and closed her eyes and
drifted off...
[Does.]
[Does not.]
Becky sighed and spent the night arguing with her personalities.

*

Much to Keiko's disappointment, the beds in the guestroom were large enough to accommodate
one comfortably, but small enough to prevent any bed sharing. When she had complained
about this to Matsuro, he had just shrugged and slipped into bed, he hadn't even bothered
to undress. Keiko lay awake in bed, cursing that fatigue resistance spell she had cast on
herself six hours ago, in the hope that she would be able to drive for a while.
Keiko looked over at Matsuro. He was kinda cute when he was sleeping. That little ingrained
expression of annoyance on his otherwise still body... She got out of bed, pulled up a
small chair and sat by his bed. She didn't want to close her eyes; she didn't want to fall
asleep (She knew she'd find that difficult anyway) because she'd miss him. And she didn't
want to miss a thing.
It occurred to her that some might regard this as either very sweet, or mildly disturbing.
But she was all right with that, she felt both descriptions suited her well.

*

Aki settled down in her bed, smoothing the sheets out over her body. The bed was so
comfortable that sleep was so easy...
Aki sighed, a small smile of comfort on her face with the expression that come from one
who has an instinct for this sort of situation and just knows the snag was about to turn up.
There was a thump as Kireiko turned over, and then a noise akin to that thing some
really evil people occasionally do with their nails and blackboards, as the half oni's
claws dragged down the wall, leaving gashes in the wall paper. Aki looked over, her face
contorted in pain. She didn't trust those tentacles to keep themselves to themselves either.
Aki groaned, gathered up her bedclothes and went downstairs to sleep on the antique
Georgian sofa-bed.

*

In the basement, the intercom buzzed again. Fortunately, the villainous figure was
walking next to it so there was no rush to answer.
"Yes?"
"Our guests have retired to their rooms. Evidence shows that all of the females are
charged with magical energy, one even shows evidence of a sorceress' skills."
"Excellent." The shadowy man flicked on four of his security monitors grinning; he
pressed buttons five and seven on a small eight-button array by his side. "I shall
dispose of the two males with my patented Deathbeds(tm), and the you shall bring one
of the girls to me for analysis."
"Very good master, will there be anything else?"
"That will be all." The mad scientist turned off the intercom and turned to the massive
machine in the centre of his lab.
"Soon... The government will bow to may demands and I shall have enough money to retire
from Mad Science! BWA-HAHAHAHA!" Laughed the scientist, rubbing his hands in glee.

*

******************
*COMMERCIAL BREAK*
******************

Tired of eating the same old breakfast? Well why not try new Jusenky-os? Simply add cold
milk and these delicious breakfast treats become all kinds of morning delights!
"That is bowl of drowned sugar coated cornflakes! Very tragic legend of sugar frosted
cornflakes that drowned there two thousand years ago..."
"*Gasp* Not bowl of drowned chocolate flavoured cereal Os!"
"Ah, you dine from bowl of drowned puffed rice."
Breakfast time will never be the same!
Warning: Do not ingest cereal, may result in annoying but amusing curse.
"Oh no! Not bowl of drowned toast!"

*

As the night wore on, the Do-Gooders and their travelling companions dreamed... well, most of
them did anyway.

*

Tejina opened her eyes. She was on a stage, but not any like she had ever performed on.
The stage was carpeted red and had a small stairway in the back. Tejina found herself
walking up these steps and then spinning around to face the audience.
Tejina looked to either side of her. About a dozen men wearing tuxedoes walked in from
the sides of he stage, their eyes focused on her. She began to sing, for no apparent reason.
"Some boys kiss me, some boys hug me, I think they're OK..."
She continued singing as the men danced around her, all of them showing off expensive
watches and rings. To her mild surprise, she began stealing these items from right out
of their hands and pushing the men away.
[I must be dreaming] She thought accurately [But what is it symbolic of?]
The song rolled to a close, the audience applauded and cheered, and the back of the stage
lifted up again. The familiar face of Villyn grinned at her from behind a podium.
"Our contestant has successfully completed the challenge from THE WHEEL OF HUMILIATION!"
"Huh? What? AGH!"
The agh came as Tejina looked down and realised that her costume was totally unsuited to
the routine she had just done. For one thing, it featured cones as a major part of its design.
[Oh right, just this dream again.] She thought with a small measure of relief.
"Now, Tejina, will you claim your prize or SPIN THE WHEEL?" Tejina paused at this.
"I'll take my prize."
Tejina's answer was met with the sort of silence that would have normally been impossible
without a complete vacuum. The armoured host shuffled his question cards.
"Uh... You're supposed to spin the wheel."
"No, I want to take my prize and go home." The host formed a sweat drop on his right temple.
"Please? Spin the wheel one more time."
"Let me guess... The really humiliating question or challenge is next, isn't it?"
"Well... yes, but I assure you you'll get a good prize."
"No."
"Aw, you're no fun any more," whined the host. "Well, just take a seat in the audience then."
"Wait a minute, where's my prize?" Asked Tejina.
"What?" Asked the slightly disappointed host. "Oh, right. Bring it in lads!"
Two muscular stagehands brought in Tejina's prize. She stared at it, amazed that her
subconscious could come up with something THIS weird.
"Contestant number 2, you've won... ENOUGH PEANUT BUTTER TO FILL A BATHTUB!" Tejina's jaw
dropped as far as it could go without causing lasting injury.
"Doesn't it even come in jars?"
"Nope."
"But isn't it a little unsanitary?"
"Hey, don't knock it, you're getting a free bathtub as well."
Tejina sighed and walked offstage, taking a seat next to a teen who kept staring at her
coniferous costume, much to her annoyance.
The next contestant answered all the questions, performed the same challenge as Tejina
and won the star prize.
"...and tonight's star prize winner has won... A DATE WITH KIZUNA FROM THE BISHOUNEN
BOYZ!" All the fangirls in the crowd cheered the handsome bassist ran on stage and
embraced the lucky winner.
"Aw hell." Said contestant number 3, Richard, "and I wanted the peanut butter..."

*

Hanaki's badly remembered dreams were chaotic and strange. When asked about it later, all
she could remember was that it involved her dancing on stage and singing to a wild crowd,
and then her being seduced by a secret agent with a really groovy looking car. She had
to admit, it was a bit silly.

*

Ayame was dreaming of shopping, which was a regular occurrence in her nocturnal rest.
Currently she was in an electronic store, eyeing up a TV she was pretty keen on, the one
with the 30-inch screen and full satellite access to virtually every station on the
planet. She stared in glee at one of the music channels, which was showing some teen-idol
band dancing about on stage. A passing store clerk paused to take a look at the band and
then walked off muttering something about them making money for absolutely nothing. Ayame
switched over to one of the European channels.
The station was currently showing some sort of Sci-fi program, which was quite funny,
despite the fact that it was being shown in a completely different language. Fortunately
Sailor exposition's powers lay in language, so this was not a problem.
"Herr Flibble tycker inte om galna maenniskor, jag maoste tyvaerr doeda er..." Said the
cross dressing hologram sinisterly, just before it was interrupted by a sudden news
flash. A froody looking reporter appeared, holding a microphone in his hand which had
the letters YTV written on it.
"Dude... you must go to Stockholm."
"Why must I go to this great European city?" Asked Ayame, even though a simple "Eh?"
would have sufficed.
"Oops sorry, wrong dreamer." The reporter sighed. "Looks like the department of mystical
destinies has messed it up again..."
"Why has this most excellent television channel never been available to me before, despite
the fact the TV in my home has over two thousand channels? The Nakaos even have the
Czechoslovakian arts and crafts channel." Exposited Ayame curiously.
"It's a private channel," explained the European. "it's only available to one specific
person and he chooses the programs for his own enjoyment. Ayame paused while she considered
this. Though she would be the first to agree that her talents were better suited to radio
(her agreement would probably last until the final person agreed) she was also pretty keen
on television. [All Ayame! All the time!] She thought about the possibility of a 24-hour
Shakespeare marathon to watch at night.
"I desire one of the personal channels for myself please!" Declared Ayame.
"Uh, sorry babe, you can't. Now if you'll excuse me I've got to get back the Swedish branch
of the DMD and straighten this out."
"That is not fair my Scandinavian friend! I want my... I want my..." Ayame was lost for a
station name, no amusing titles presented themselves, so she settled for the unoriginal
option. "I want my Ayame TV!"
"It's only available to people with mystical destinies who're too dumb to listen to other stuff.
And I'm not a Scandinavian, I'm a pan-dimensional demi-god from dimension ZZ9 Plural Alpha!"
"Not so fast my pan-dimensional demi-god from dimension ZZ9 Plural Alpha-ian friend! I'll
get that station if it kills you!"
"Do you realise how much those things cost? I'm gone." Said the reporter, turning and
walking into the background of the picture.

*

Becky sat on the side of her bed, looking over some note books she's brought in her trench
coat, invoking Insomniac rule #214: The protagonist doesn't need sleep if her friend is
talking loudly in her sleep and she has a headache due to dual split personalities.  She
was looking through the notes she'd made on her mission. The main gig locations were all
points of definite interest, either because of strange goings on, evidence of large energy
surges or just general weirdness. Some of the happenings may just have been red herrings
but she still had to look at every single one of the cases, just to be sure.
Becky sighed and thought back to BA-3's training. The memory of the academy had mostly
been erased, for security reasons, but one thing she could still remember was the rather
odd teamwork training she had received. The memory of the choreography classes was
probably too funny to forget, especially that one where they'd been learning to "Slide"
and one of the captured aliens had joined in halfway through. She smiled at the treasured
memory and looked back at the map. She suddenly realised something that may be of grave
importance. She took out a pencil and joined up the locations of the incidents with
lines. Finishing she looked excitedly at the result. Yes, it she squinted just a bit,
it looked like...
A map with a load of lines drawn on it.
Becky sighed and went back to work on the mysterious incidents across the world.
"Come back here you Scandinavian cheapskate!" Shouted Ayame, for no obvious reason.

*

Matsuro was dreaming of his apartment, as it had been before the dwarves had moved in,
meaning it was small. You could swing a cat in it, but only if your cat didn't mind having
it's head whacked off the walls a few times. Matsuro ignored the cramped conditions and
turned his TV onto the news channel, which was showing the weather report.
"-rising, and the barometer's getting low and according to all sources, the stree-" Matsuro 
turned off the TV just then, as he had noticed something much more interesting. A man had
just fallen past his window. This wouldn't have concerned Matsuro much normally, as he knew
that Mr Wasabi, who lived on floor 25, had been a bit depressed lately, and suicides were
not uncommon in today's high-pressure society. The fact that another man, carrying an
umbrella, had closely followed him had bothered him enough to stand up and look out the
window.
Covering Tokyo as far as he could see was a large cloud, from which various muscular and
bishounen males were falling, some of them carrying umbrellas. Down on the streets, a
large percentage of Tokyo's females were rushing about, seeking the perfect man. Were it
not for the fact that the lack of a Vallhallic hall was a big enough clue, this would be
the point where Matsuro realised that this was a dream. From his lucid dream experiences
he knew that he didn't have to worry about injury or pain while dreaming, so rather than
taking the lift, he simply opened the window and leapt out.
As he passed the fifteenth floor, it occurred to him that as he did not normally have dreams
about showers of men that this dream may not follow the normal rules, and hitting the ground
may actually hurt a bit. He flipped over as he fell and kicked himself off the wall of his
building, then, after punching out a falling bishounen and nicking his umbrella, he glided
safely to the ground.
"Whoo!" Cried one of the women. "God bless Mother Nature!"
"Yeah." Agreed another. "She must be a single woman too." Matsuro thought about this for a
second. [So Earth's a bastard child? That explains a lot...]
Strolling through the streets, occasionally lightly fending off suitors he slowly made
progress to Suzuhara Park, where he found his mother dancing with four handsome men.
"Mother. There had better be a good explanation for this..." Akemi turned around, still
dancing, noticing her son for the first time.
"Hello son. Got me any grandchildren yet?"
"Never mind that, why am I dreaming this?"
"Well, as the dead don't sleep I need to use your mind for dreams, hope you don't mind."
"Actually mother, I do. Could you please stop this now so I can get back to dreaming about
the end of the world?" Matsuro's dead mother shrugged.
"You can't stop me from doing this, as part of the legacy I have a controlling interest in
your subconscious.  I'll only be another six hours." Matsuro would have shouted at her at
this point, were it not for his self-control and his reasonable attitude.
[Since this is my mind...] he thought [I must have at least some control.] Slowly, the
apocalypiticness of his dreams returned, twisting the already twisted reality to a more
comfortably realistic state. It was still raining men, but much to Akemi's annoyance, they
all splattered into the ground gorily, as real humans are wont to do. Within a minute, the
streets of Tokyo had cleared as even the most desperate of single women ran inside.
"Must you always spoil my fun?" asked Akemi, annoyed.
"Mother, either tell me something useful or go away." Akemi folded her arms.
"Hmph. Well I do have something important to tell you but since you're such a spoilsport
I'm not going to tell you." Matsuro almost sighed, but stopped himself in time.
"The dwarves are throwing a party at my place, there'll be so much alcohol in the area the
air will probably catch fire. Fun enough?" Akemi smiled gleefully.
"Right then. When you wake up, be careful not to move, or you'll be impaled by several
hideously sharp blades. It'll hurt. A lot. Good bye." And with that she disappeared in
a small burst of miscellaneous horror movie effects, because Akemi thought it looked
quite nifty. Matsuro hopped neatly to the left, avoiding an impact with a similarly
grim bishounen who hit the ground with a sickening thud. He brushed a piece of shattered
tibia off his school uniform and tried to will himself awake.
In the end he gave up and went to the little coffee shop across the road.

*

Keiko didn't know how long she had been watching Matsuro sleep, after all, she was
watching him and not the 18-century carriage clock on the mantelpiece. Seeing that he
was in a deep sleep, she decided to risk stealing a kiss while its owner slept. Leaning
over, she placed her lips on his and kissed.
At this moment, Matsuro awoke, to find this romantic theft in progress. This would have
normally caused him to flinch, but every muscle in his body remained still. That is, except
for his heart, which was racing at this not-unpleasant surprise. Keiko leaned back to a seated
position, and then she noticed Matsuro had woken up and put her fingertips to her lips,
blushing slightly. [A kiss woke him...] she thought as a mild feeling of guilt was
suppressed by her aura of evil. [This is like something out of a fairy tale... Sleeping
Bishounen perhaps?] Keiko giggled slightly at the thought. Matsuro merely turned his eyes
towards her and spoke with a careful tone of voice.
"Keiko, do you know any levitation spells?" Keiko regained her composure at this odd
question.
"Er, hai, but what do you need it for?"
"I need you to lift me off the bed, slowly."
"Why?"
"Keiko-chan, just do it." Keiko nodded and stood up. Whispering a few lines from a spell
in a tongue long forgotten by man and beast alike, she raised her hands up into the air
and then slowly brought then down with an expression of great effort, as if miming shutting
a ludicrously over packed suitcase. Matsuro floated up into the air until he was full three
metres above the floor. Reaching out, he grabbed the lighting attachment and pulled himself
into the air above the centre of the room. Keiko stopped concentrating and he swung
gracefully down and landed on his feet. Keiko looked up at him, her face a little red from
effort.
"Why couldn't you just get yourself out of bed?" Matsuro didn't answer, at least verbally.
He brought a spare dime out of his pocket and flicked it onto the bed. As soon as the edge
of the coin touched down on the mattress, a mechanism clicked and thousands of razor sharp
blades ripped through the fabric of the bed, shredding it to linen smithereens. The dime
rolled out the end, falling to the floor. Matsuro picked it up. It would be nice to say
that the blades had mangled the coin beyond recognition, but as it was only a couple of
centimetres wide and a few millimetres thick it had escaped any significant damage. Had
our bishounen hero been on the bed then he would have been mangled beyond all recognition,
but as it was the only result was 10 cents that wouldn't fit into a vending machine
anymore. Matsuro flicked the coin to Keiko, who looked mildly shocked.
"Such an evil twisted device..." she said to herself. "Wish I'd thought of it." Matsuro
grunted slightly as he drew his sword from his stomach.
"Let's go and check on the others." Said Matsuro. Translated from "Cool, moody bishounen
style of talking" into English, this means: "Let the mass destruction begin!"

*

Kireiko had fallen asleep quickly, blissfully unaware of the hideous contraption beneath
his bed. As normal he was dreaming of sexy women. Unusually, his dreams lacked fast motorcycles.
[They'll probably turn up later] he thought, though he was in no real position to complain,
what with the fashion show.
The various models were all wearing outfits that were designed to reveal a lot of flesh,
look hideously expensive, be hideously expensive and to make the wearer look rich,
fashionable and, above all else, silly. The current model was wearing something that
looked like it had been stolen from the set of a 50's B-Movie. The outfit's designer was
either mad, under the influence of hallucinogenics or, as was more likely, taking the piss.
All this was lost on Kireiko, as he was enjoying himself too much to care.
"Whoo! Such lovely design!" He shouted, focusing on every detail of the model that was
visible, except the outfit. A new model stepped onto the catwalk, and took Kireiko's breath
away.
The part about motor cycles had come into play. The model was undeniably attractive, but
she was wearing an outfit that had been beaten out of parts of a motorcycle, and repainted
chrome red with yellow flames. Kireiko was in love. He didn't know what he wanted more, the
girl or the little red number.
[She's just too funky for me...] he thought, silent and grinning like an idiot. As the
woman reach the end of the catwalk, Kireiko's head was turned 45 degrees to the right to
observe the model meaning he was able to notice something out of the corner of his eye
that alarmed him. Not one to rearrange his priorities at the drop of a hat, he waited for
the model in the motorcycle outfit to leave before he turned and said
"DAD!" The oni grinned back at Kireiko.
"Hello Kireiko." His demonic father looked up at the stage, where another badly dressed
female was strutting her stuff.
"So this is what you dream about then?"
"What did you think I dreamt about?" He responded, shrugging. "Television?"
"That's what I thought." He answered as he got out a small set of brushes and set to work
cleaning his set of pipes. Kireiko cast an eye back to the catwalk and then began talking
again.
"So what are you here about?"
"Nothing much really. I heard you were on a world tour and I thought I'd just give you
some words of advice. If you break down somewhere in California then avoid going into any
creepy mansions you see. There's all sorts of crap in those places that you do not want
to know about."
"Uh dad, you might've told me that earlier..."
"Huh?"
"I'm already in some creepy Californian mansion. It's a bit too late to tell me." The 
demon thought about this and then shrugged
"Ah well. I suppose the only advice I can give you is to try not to get killed. Now if 
you'll excuse me, I've got to go." And with that he vanished.
Kireiko turned his attention back to the catwalk. The woman sitting next to him noticed
his stares at the current model.
"Would you like me to introduce you?" Kireiko gawked at this offer and wanted to remark
how great she was for making such an offer.
"You're such a-" Kireiko was mildly lost for words. "You're such a-" Nope, he just couldn't
sum up his gratitude.
"Is that what your trying to tell me?" Asked the woman.
"YEAH! YEAH!" Shouted Kireiko, attracting the attention of a few of the fashion show's crowd.
The woman nodded towards the model.
"Go backstage, you can meet her there." Kireiko tried to jump from his seat, but for some
reason he couldn't. He roared in rage as he realised his hand was stuck in the chair. Why?
Why could he not move in this most essential of hours?
Kireiko woke up. And found one of his claws was jammed in the spring mechanism of a hideous
death-trap.

*

Aki sighed in her sleep.  The antique Georgian sofa-bed was surprisingly comfortable. She
hadn't felt this relaxed in months. Away from the cares she left in Japan. She felt an inner
peace that came from sleeping on a comfortable bed thousands of miles from the craziness
that was her father and quite a few metres away from the noise that was Kireiko sleeping.
She felt like she was on some wonderful spiritual sedation like... Aki's mind searched for
an idea... Novocaine for the soul or something. She smiled cutely in her sleep, she'd have
to mention this to Tejina, it'd be a good title for a song. She breathed out, relaxing.
Unfortunately for Aki, he feeling of Novocaine for the Soul was suddenly replaced for
Adrenaline for the ancient survival instinct and then Chloroform for the target magical girl.

*

Matsuro opened the door and stepped inside, his boots making a dramatic thumping noise as
he stood in Tejina and Hanaki's room. The synchronous sisters turned over and looked up at
the bishounen guy and then sat up, pulling the bedclothes up to cover themselves.
For most girls, having a bishounen in your bedroom is usually a good thing. But when he's
also wielding a sword, it's possibly a bad thing. As this was Matsuro, things were middled
out at reasonably OK.
"What do you want?" Asked Tejina, through a mist of post waking sleepiness but with an edge
that comes to the surprised.
"Get out of bed. Now." Commanded Matsuro. The girls were on their feet a second later.
"What's this about?" asked Hanaki.
"Someone tried to kill me; we may all be at risk."
"What makes you think someone tried to kill you?"
After giving them time to get dressed, Matsuro showed them the evidence. Keiko led Ayame
and Becky in. Becky stepped up to the bed, ran her hand over the side of one of he blades
and put her hand to her chin.
"Hmm..." Hmmed the Magic secret agent girl "It looks like someone was trying to kill you."
Everyone facefaulted.
"No crap, Cluseau." Said Keiko.
"Where's Kireiko and Aki?" Asked Hanaki.
The group all went into the last room. Where they found Kireiko struggling with his bed.
"Hey! Help me outta this thing." Said Kireiko. Becky stepped over and looked down at
Kireiko's trapped claw.
"Hmm... I think if I jam this thing we can get you out." Becky took a quarter out of her
pocket and wedged it between two cogs hidden in the mattress.
"There, now if we can just get you to transform back you should be fine."

*

Aki awoke to the sound of maniacal laughter. This was quite normal for her as she was
normally woken up each morning at 6:30 by her father's evil overlord alarm clock. (Which
he had obtained by sending in the box tops from fifty boxes of Asgard Crispies, having
given up on the swords of duality project after the minions had to be rushed to hospital
after their tenth bowl.) But this was a different kind of evil laughter. 
"Aha ha ha ha..." laughed the scientist quietly. Aki recognised the type of laughter, this
laugh was the sort used by those who had evil schemes to make themselves rich. She'd even
heard Kireiko's dad use it once.
A breeze blew though the room and Aki shivered. [That's odd. It can't be that cold down
here...] Aki looked down, and regretted it. Normally when people look down and feel regret
it's because of vertiphobia. Aki was only a metre off the ground. What made her feel regret
was the fact that she had been bound to a table by bands of steel. What made it worse was
the fact that as her clothing was in a pile in the corner, the bands of metal were the only
thing maintaining this fic's PG rating.
[Well...] Thought Aki, trying to be optimistic, as had been suggested to her at group [...at
least it covers more than the old sailor Joy costume.] Aki tried to move, but found that the
manacles made it impossible. She looked down again and noticed that connected to various
points on her body were strange electrodes that seemed to be attached by some sort of
energy field. Aki turned her head and noticed a man wearing a lab coat standing with his
back to her.
"Hey! What do you think you're doing?"

*

Becky examined the sofa-bed with a magnifying glass. Something caught her eye and she picked
it up with a pair of tweezers.
"It looks like a strand of Aki's hair... At least, it's the same colour as Aki's." Kireiko's
looked up from the bed, a puzzled expression on his face.
"Hey guys, can you smell something?" The rest of the Do-Gooders sniffed the air.
"Now that you mention it..." Began Tejina, "There is a faint-"
"-aroma of chloroform in the air." Finished Hanaki.
"Well, I think this indicates that someone, most likely our host, has kidnapped Aki"
Concluded Becky.
"Uh, actually I meant that smell of alcohol from over there."
As one, the Do-Gooders turned to look at the corner, there, hidden behind a waste paper
basket, was a small cute (If a bit mangy) black cat.
"Daisy?" asked Tejina.
"Ratsh, spotted." Cursed Daisy, staggering out from behind the basket.
"What are you doing here?" Asked Hanaki.
"Well me and the other advishors were wondering where you were, so we deshided to sherch
for you. And now that I've found you I'd better tell the othersh you're here."
Tejina thought about this for a moment, the extra food they'd need to buy, the lectures
on the crystal city and the inevitable arguments with customs, and wanted none of it.
"Daisy, we'd prefer it if you didn't tell the other advisors about this."
"Why shouldn't I?"
"Well... If you go now then there'll be no one to open that drinks cabinet over there."
"Get outta my way." Screeched the cat as it dashed over to the cabinet. Tejina spoke.
"Right, now we've got to find Aki. We'd better split up."
"Why?" asked Becky.
"To do the search quicker of course."
"Wait a minute, you want us to split up and go running around this spooky house?"
"Well, yes."
"Don't they say there's strength in numbers?
"Yeah, so if we split up we'll have two numbers rather than one."
Becky shrugged.
"Very well then."
"Right, Keiko, Hanaki and Matsuro can come with me and Kireiko, Becky and Daisy can go
with Ayame. We'll go and look in the study."
"Why, what's in the study?" asked Hanaki.
"Well, in all the mystery movies I've ever seen, there's always been clues in the study...
and the conservatory for some reason." Said Tejina, neatly skipping the bit about having
only ever seen one mystery movie.
Ayame smiled and took a deep breath, Tejina's team took this opportunity to make a quick exit.
"It's time to smite these evil do-ers!" she declared. "With a capital S!"
All those present sweatdropped, except Daisy, who was onto her fourth bottle of finely
aged port.

*

The Mad Scientist smiled and turned round to Aki.
"I see you're awake... 'tis no matter. The process works anyway." Aki snarled in anger.
"What are you doing to me?" The scientist straightened up and took in a deep breath.
Something Aki recognised as what her father normally did when he was about to exposit on
his latest scheme.
"You may well have noticed the rainy conditions outside, unusual isn't it?" Aki shrugged.
"I don't know much about Californian weather."
"Well it is. I have been using magic taken from various artifacts," The scientist gestured
to a small pile of assorted magical jewellery and weapons, "I have managed to influence the
weather so it rains almost constantly. With this rain, I have held California to ransom. I
told the Governor that unless he gave me a billion dollars I would cause a rainstorm unlike
any that California had ever seen before."
"And?"
"Don't you see? Imagine the implications! The tourism industry will collapse! Travel will
become difficult with wet roads, turbulent skies and raging seas! Cities will flood! People
will whine about the weather! Nobody will be able to hang their laundry out to dry!"
"So where do I come into this?" At this question, the scientist's smile widened. He now 
looked twice as deranged as before. He pressed a button and a map of western North America
appeared on a nearby screen.
"With you and your other magical girl friends I can now drain much more power for my rain
machine." He pressed another button and a strip of the map, inland from the coast, lit up.
"I have bought land here, and with the amount of rain I can now generate, I shall flood the
west coast, making my land waterfront property, thus boosting the value significantly!" Aki
sighed. She was almost beginning to miss the comforting familiarity of her Dad's craziness.
"Isn't there an easier way to do it?" Asked Aki.
"Like what?"
"I don't know... Like detonating nuclear device on the San Andreas fault and sinking the
west coast instead." The scientist paused, a look of consideration on his face.
"Damn." He said simply, then sighed. "Ah well, I'll just have remember that for next time.
Thanks for the suggestion, er..."
"Aki."
"Aki. Right. Thanks, that'll save me a lot of time when I try this out in Japan."
"You're welcome." She responded sarcastically. "Incidentally, is there any real need for me
to be naked for this procedure?"
"No, but as they say, all work and no play makes Jack a dull boy."
Aki facefaulted, then her face turned to the very effective portrait of anger she had
developed over the years.
"Let [me] out of [this] thing or [else!]" She screamed, shaking various test tubes with
each bracket. But he scientist was unfazed by this.
"HA! Your brackets of power are no match for THE CAPITALISATION OF THE CENTURIES!"
"But that's just shouting."

*

Upstairs, Tejina was going through the study, searching for clues. Generally studies would
include a lot of clues such as diaries, floppy disks, weapons blueprints, naval treaties
and the like. Unfortunately the search had, so far, been fruitless.
"Found anything yet?" Asked Hanaki.
"Nope." Responded Tejina. "Do any of you know how to pick locks?" Keiko looked up from a
small eldritch looking tome she'd found on the bookshelves.
"I know a bit, what do you want to unlock?"
"Just this desk drawer. Sis, Matsuro, keep looking." Keiko knelt down and looked at the
small lock. She took two small pins out of her small inventory of magical ingredients and
prodded them around the lock. After a few minutes of applying just the right amount of
pressure, one of the pins snapped. Keiko cursed, then smiled, as if remembering something.
She then reached over and touched the lock with her thumb and index finger, then tugged the
drawer open, revealing a metal box.
"What was that spell?" Asked Tejina.
"Lock to Jello." Answered Keiko. "First level, short range, uses four mana points."
"Mana points?" asked Tejina, surprised.
"Yeah, there's two mana focus points in my thumb, one in my index finger and one in the lock."
"Oh." Tejina lifted the box out and opened it. Inside was a massive collection of-
"Keys?" Asked Matsuro rhetorically, because that is what they clearly were keys, lots of keys.
Tejina turned the box upside down, spilling the keys into a small heap noisily, which meant
they missed the sound of a book case revolving behind them. Matsuro pick up a small one on a
key chain.
"BMW? Nice..." He picked up a handful more, looking at the keyrings. "Ferrari, Porsche,
another Ferrari, Ford, Chevrolet, another BMW... Wait a minute." Matsuro held one up to
the light. "This one's ours."
"Are you sure?" Asked Keiko. "Couldn't it just be one from the same brand of van?"
"No... It's that tacky Stars and stripes keyring that Kireiko bought, and there's even that
stain from when Ayame knocked her coffee onto it."
"We'd better find the others." Tejina stood up. "Hey... Where's Hanaki gone?" Keiko and
Matsuro looked around.
"Damn." Matsuro cursed. "We've lost her." Tejina sighed.
"We'd better look for her. Let's go."
The Do-Gooders turned to leave, but then Keiko noticed that she had left the book on the
floor. She picked it up and moved over to replace it. (After all, it was only polite) But
when she got there she noticed something amiss.
"Jinkies!" She cried. Matsuro and Tejina rushed back in.
"What?"
"There's an exact duplicate of this book on the shelf!"
"Hmm..." Said Matsuro. "Is it me, or does it look like something's revolved on that bit of
carpet?"
"Oh no..." Groaned Tejina. "It's one of those revolving bookcases. I don't suppose it'll
open from this side?" The swordsman, sorceress and singer pulled out each and every book,
but to no avail.
"We'd better find the others." Something occurred to Tejina. "Hey Keiko."
"Yes?"
"What does "Jinkies" mean anyway?" Keiko paused.
"I honestly couldn't tell you... Isn't it a breakfast cereal or something?" Tejina thought
about this.
"Nah. You're probably thinking of Jusenky-os or something."
"Ah well." Said Keiko. "I wonder what our host's done with Aki."
"Whatever it is." Said Matsuro "I know she won't take it lying down."

*

Kireiko (I bet you though it was going to be Aki didn't you?) grunted as he pulled the table
back into position.
"Well-" Said B-A3 Becky. "Tejina said she'd check the study and conservatory, and we've
already checked through the billiard room and this room. And as there weren't any more
clues in the hall or the lounge, so the kitchen is the next logical step."
Ayame walked over to the door opposite to him and opened it, revealing the kitchen.
The room looked similar to that of a commercial kitchen, but with older equipment, some
of which had probably been built in the 1930s. In one corner sat a large refrigerator,
roughly the size of a telephone booth. Kireiko, who had not eaten since the previous day,
chose this as the first point of investigation. Becky took out her magnifying glass and
used it to investigate the work surfaces for clues. Ayame looked through the various
implements of culinary nature. Daisy walked off to the storage room, mistaking it for the
wine cellar. Kireiko triumphantly lifted a can of Diet Pepsi out of the fridge. He ripped
off the ring pull and drank.
"Find anything?" He asked, to give the illusion he was doing something productive.
"I have found some suspicious fingerprints in this flour on the counter." Confirmed Becky.
"I am lifting them for further analysis." She said, taking out a roll of government issue
cellotape. "What about you?"
Ayame shrugged. "I have not found anything of great interest, merely a dozen knives, twelve
forks, two and ten spoons, a rusty chainsaw and a badly cleaned blender."
"Chainsaw?" Becky raised an eyebrow in surprise.
"Yes rapturous BA-3, but it is out of gas, so no enemy can turn it on us, just as we cannot
take the blade to them."

*

Meanwhile in the storage room, Daisy sat next to a locked door and looked up at a set of
shelves, or more specifically, the top shelf, where a bottle of some description rested.
[It must be alcohol,] She reasoned through the fluff of inebriation. [it's on the top shelf
to keep it away from irresponsible people.] The real and accurate possibility that it was
simply developing fluid didn't cross her mind. Slowly, she stood up and started climbing
up the shelves, using various canned goods and boxes as foot holds. After a brief moment of
terror as she nearly fell off, she reached the top and reached out for the bottle.
Unfortunately she had not taken into account the lack of a paw-friendly ring pull. Her
attempt to open the bottle knocked it off the shelf and onto the floor, where it smashed
open on a little grate.
"Whoopsh."
Daisy prepared to jump down when the door opened next to the shelves and a frightening
figure stepped out. It seemed to have no constant form, except a vaguely head shaped bit
at the top. The rest of the creature's body rippled like some sort of demonic fabric.
"Yikes! A ghosht!" Cried the cat, leaping for the kitchen door.

*

"What about you?" Asked Becky-A3 "Was there anything in the fridge?"
"Nothing really, just some cheese, lettuce, a battery... but wait!" Said Kireiko, putting
on a somewhat flawed dramatic voice, "What's this strange aquatic beast the lurks at the
back! This may be a clue! Oh wait... no, sorry, it's just a red herring." Finished Kireiko,
holding his dire visual pun up for all to see. Becky winced as she fought back an urge to
put a bullet through his head and Ayame took a threatening deep breath when Daisy dashed
in screeching like a cat in an oven.
"What is it?" Asked Becky. Daisy was in shock, making wild gesture and trying to fluff her
fur in such a way that she could appear like a ghost. This caused little comprehension, but
no end of sweatdrops.
"Hmm..." noted B-A3. "She's probably drunk something unhealthy again."
"By all the gods in the heavens!" Began Ayame, which rarely boded well "Such as Thor, Zeus,
Freya, Apollo, Eros, Mars, Belld-"
"Get to the point." Said B-A3.
"What's that over there? Be it man, monster or evil spirit from the DarkVerse?" She finished,
pointing to the cause of Daisy's fear, which appeared to float menacingly through the doorway.
"Whooo..." It said.
"It appears to be a ruse to scare us out of this room, I believe it poses no real threat but I
just to be sure we should make a pre-emptive strike."
"Meaning?" Asked Kireiko.
"After you Kireiko." Kireiko grinned and flexed his muscles, bursting the seams on his T-shirt
(Something he'd been practicing to show off in front of Hanaki) and he shifted into his oni
form in a flash of special effects stolen from Deep Space Nine.
"Ay-pi-ay-ai Motherlover!" he declared as he launched himself at the formless being.
The ghost leapt out of the way, seemed to trip on itself and collapsed to the ground. Kireiko
brought his fist up for one final punch. "Spirit Begone!" He shouted as the punch connected.
The ghost collapsed to the ground, a red stain spreading across the outer layer of the spirit.
"Huh..." Said Kireiko. "I think I've got ectoplasm on my fist..."
"That's blood Kireiko, it's just a henchman wearing a sheet." Kireiko pinned the ghost to the
ground and Ayame pulled the sheet out from under him, revealing an English butler with a
broken nose.
"What ho, Plage." Said Ayame. "It is sad to see that you serve the forces of nastiness, so
please join the force of justice and-" Ayame stopped, a shudder passing through her. Tejina,
Keiko and Matsuro came in through the door. Tejina looked to Ayame, Ayame looked back and
said simply
"You felt it too?" Tejina nodded gravely.
"Yes, and I know it too. Hanaki's in trouble."

*

"I spy..." Began Hanaki "...with my little eye... something beginning with C."
"Ceiling." Said Aki.
Hanaki sighed. "You win again, another round?"
"No."
This left a silence in the air for a while, broken only by the sound of breathing and the
blips of various pieces of equipment.
"Hanaki, are you sure there's nothing you can do?"
"I don't have my communicator so I can't summon Pep, and I can't transform without him. Besides,
I can't dance when I'm strapped to a table." Han thought for a moment. "Can't you use your
brooch?"
"And just where would I keep a brooch at this moment in time?"
"Ano..." Hanaki thought again. "Ever considered body piercing in case this happens again?"
Aki gave her a look that was somewhere near "Ew!", in the general area of "WHAT?", practically
across the street from "You're weird", but a long way from "I say Hanaki, that's a splendid
idea. Just as soon as we escape from this mad scientist's lab we'll trot along to the nearest
piercing parlour and have my brooch stuck through my nose."
"No."
"Sorry... Just thinking..."

*

******************
*COMMERCIAL BREAK*
******************

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"What if I do?"
"And do you like Do-Gooders?"
"I suppose so."
"Then have I got the perfect thing for you!"
"Yes, it's a Do-Gooders plushie isn't it?"
"...Yes. But not just any plushies! These one's talk when you pull their strings."
"Ooh, gosh, wow, geez, we're ever so impressed. That's really original that is. Truly you are
like a god amongst men when it comes to surprises."
"Quiet. Why not buy a Kireiko! Pull his string and hear his repertoire of badass catchphrases!"
*"<LET'S ROCK!>"*
*"Hello Cthulu must die, all else is irrelevant."*
*"It's not a girl's name!"*
Villyn! Hear the voice of evil!
*"BWA-HAHAHAHAHA!"*
*"Charge, my minions!"*
*"Feel the wrath of Villyn!"*
And the well used voice of Ayame!
*"Tremble in fear evil-doers for the warrior of justice, good and extremely long sentences is
here to save the day by preventing criminals like you from who seek to cause pain, misery and
the non buying of Do-Gooders plushies which are incidentally very good and worth buying and I
shall stop you in the name of the crystal cit-"*
"GAH! How do you switch this thing off?"
"Well according to the manual you're supposed to smash it into silence with the supplied
baseball bat."
*"-through means of long speeches on the joys of truth, love and p-"*
*SMASH!*
"Phew... Also available from plushcorp, Magical Girl Hunter plushies! Including the new
limited edition Itami plushie!"
*"..."*
*"..."*
*"..."*

*

Plage struggled with the knot, but it was no good, the more he moved, the tighter it got.
"Why did you do that?" Asked Keiko.
"Well none of us had any string, and I learnt the "Human knot" restraint technique in my
training so..."
"Are you sure his arm should bend that way?" asked Kireiko.
"If it didn't before, it does now." Answered Becky. Tejina looked down at the painfully
restrained butler.
"Right. So you're an evil henchman then?"
"Yes, there is a certain henching element to my job..."
"Uh-huh. And who do you hench to?"
"The master." Tejina rolled her eyes.
"You're going to keep referring to him as that aren't you?"
"Yes."
"All right... can you at least tell us where your evil master has taken Han and Aki?"
"My master's not evil!" Protested the butler. "He's an honest man!" Tejina sighed.
"Whatever. Where have you taken Aki and Hanaki?"
"To the master's lab, but you'll never get them back."
"We'll see about that." Said Kireiko, cracking his knuckles. "Where's his lab?"
"That..." Began the butler, "...is a secret." Becky blinked twice.
"Is there anything to drink around here?" She said.
"Never mind, but how can we possibly get the answer out of him?" asked Ayame.
"Hmm..." hmmed Becky, something she seemed to be doing a lot lately. "Plage, are you sure you
won't confess?"
"Yes."
"Very well... Kireiko... Get... THE COMFY CHAIR!"
"..." Said Tejina.
"..." Said Matsuro.
"..." Said Kireiko.
"..." Said Keiko.
"..." Said Daisy.
"Eh?" Said Ayame.
"Just do it." Said Becky
Kireiko complied, bringing in a large armchair that looked very comfortable indeed. He handed
it to Becky.
"Now... Are you sure you won't tell us?"
"Yes." Confirmed Plage.
*WHACK* Becky dealt Plage a blow to the head with the back of the chair.
"Now?"
"No. And I'll have you know that's a valuable an-"
*WHACKWHACKWHACK*
"Rapturous Agent Becky, isn't this interrogation method a little... unorthodox?" Asked Ayame.
"Standard government practice." Assured Becky, proceeding with her interrogation. "Give up yet?"
"Nev-" Said Plage, before he was interrupted.
"Aren't you supposed to be shining a light in his eyes while he sits in the chair?" Asked
Tejina.
"Light bulbs burn out. Chairs don't." Noted B-A3. "Had enough?"
"No. I shall never tell you."
"Kireiko. Bring him... A CUP OF TEA!" Kireiko facefaulted.
"I suppose you mean a REALLY hot cup of tea?" asked Matsuro.
"Yes, scalding."

*

Miles away, in Los Angeles, in an airport, by... a tent?
"Ha! Look at them! All them unaware of the hideous plans of Villyn!" declared the Blank Psychic,
drawing a few stares from travellers.
The Quake Camper twitched the flaps of his tent aside and peeked outside.
"Remember Master Villyn's orders, Blank Psychic," Squeaked the Camper. "We must find and recruit
supporters to his cause."
"Yes Camper, but our primary task is to await the arrival of Aki-sama!"
"Surely we can recruit some people while we wait."
"Hmm... Perhaps you're right..."
Five minutes later, someone had set up a small tent next to gate five and a man in a fencing
mask was handing out leaflets to French tourists.

*

Ayame pulled on the stairpost and the door swung open.
"I'm surprised I didn't guess that one." Said Becky, nodding at the new found lab entrance.
"Funny isn't it?" Noted Tejina.
"What is?" Asked Kireiko.
"How Plage stood up to all of Becky's interrogation, but gave up when Keiko did that laugh..."
"Yeah." Confirmed Becky. "Y'know what's also funny?"
"What?" Asked Tejina again.
"How we're all talking like this when we all know what happened."
"Yes... Weird isn't it?" Agreed Keiko.
The Do-Gooders shared a shrug and stepped through the door, which led to set of steps. At the
bottom of these steps was a large room which seemed to stretch out for miles, filled with
enough scientific equipment to re-create seventy 50's B-movies. Tejina took stock of the
situation and asked:
"So... What now?"
"EEEEEK!" Came a scream from the right side of the lab.
"That was Hanaki!" declared Kireiko, before running off.
The Do-Gooders followed him into the lab.

*

"EEEEEK!" Repeated Hanaki.
"Hmm..." Considered Aki. "Is it... Psycho?"
Hanaki nodded. "Your turn." Aki thought for a moment.
"Okay... Ahem... "We now end our elf broadcasting day." and it's from a TV series."
Hanaki sighed. "Damn, you're good at this... I'll take a clue."
"Right, it's got th-"
"Pipe down you two." Demanded the scientist, bringing out a large piece of machinery that
looked suspiciously like some sort of shredding device. Aki and Hanaki looked over this device
with sweat drops dripping off their foreheads.
"Er...This is probably a stupid question..." began Hanaki. "...but what are you going to do
with that?"
"Huh? This? Oh I'm just going to mince you so I can extract the magic from you more efficiently,
nothing for you to worry about."
"Aw hell. This looks like the end." said Aki.
"Don't worry. I sense my sisters are close."
Less than a moment later, Kireiko ran in.

*

Kireiko snarled at the scientist. How dare he do this to Aki and Hanaki! He cast a glance at
the victims before looking squarely at the scientist, his eyes alight with a glow of vengeance.
Then he looked back.
"Gee..." He said, blushing.
"Stay back!" Warned the scientist, drawing a pistol.
"Gee..." Repeated Kireiko, a little blood dripping out of his nose.
"Prepare to die!" Kireiko looked up just in time to jump out of the way as the bullet hit the
ground behind him. The rest of the scientist's "Guests" ran in, Becky had a pistol in each hand.
"Oh no!" declared the scientist, looking straight at the new arrivals. "It's her!"
"Stop, or I'll shoot!" Becky's target stopped staring at the group and drew another pistol.
"Ha! Now the odds are evened!" Declared the scientist, his hand shaking in fear. "Now, be a
good girl an-" He was cut off as his guns were shot out of his hand. The scientist cursed and
jumped behind a piece of machinery, one of Becky's bullets grazing his arm.
"Damn." cursed Becky before setting off in pursuit with Tejina and Matsuro closely following.
"When are you three going to get us out of these things?" Asked Aki.
"Gee..." Responded the half oni, standing in a small pool of his own blood.
"Not much of an original speaker is he?" noted Keiko.
"Correct dear friend Keiko, his repetitive manner of speech is of great amusement to me."
Exposited Ayame. Hanaki rolled her eyes.
"Then again there are worse speakers."

*

Becky fired off several more shots from her guns as the scientist fled. Becky was faced with a
moral dilemma, normally, when faced with a fleeing target, and a human target as well, she
would shoot to disable, rather than kill. But the target was proving to be strangely elusive
and she had only hit him once. She was worried she'd be forced to kill him.
[One last chance...] She thought, raising her gun and aiming at the back of his right knee. She
pulled the trigger...
*click*
"GAH!" Said Becky simply, she'd run out of bullets, and Hanaki had left her spare clips in the 
van.
"He's gone into that corridor!" Called Tejina, pointing towards the scientist.
The corridor ended at a solid wall, but on both sides there were four doors, the scientist
escaped into the third one on the right.
"GET HIM!" Shouted Tejina, rushing to follow the scientist, closely followed by Matsuro and
Becky. The Scientist ran back into the corridor from the fourth door on the right and dashed
through the door on the opposite side of the corridor, with the Do-Gooders mere seconds behind
him. The scientist dashed out of the first door on the left, rushing towards the fourth door
on the right. Matsuro leapt out from the third door on the left, surprising the scientist, who
was forced to go through the second door on the right, Matsuro ran after him. Tejina stepped
out of the second door on the left and bumped into Becky who had emerged from the door facing
her. Matsuro ran out of the third door on the right, being chased by the scientist, he ducked
into the fourth door on the left. Becky and Tejina looked at each other, and then shrugged,
leaving through the second door on the left and right respectively. The scientist slipped out
of the fourth door on the right and tried to sneak out of the corridor, but was surprised as
Becky jumped out from the first door on the right, forcing him to run into the third door on
the right, closely followed by Becky. Matsuro stepped out from the third door on the right,
closed the door and waited for someone to come out of the one of the other doors. He was hit
in the face by the fourth door on the right as the Scientist shoved it open and ran across the
corridor to the fourth door on the left, closely pursued by Tejina. Rubbing his nose a bit,
Matsuro followed Tejina. Becky rushed out of the second door on the left, followed by Tejina,
both leaving through the first door on the right. The scientist stepped out of the fist door
on the left, only to collide with General Vuudu who had stepped out of the first door on the
right. Vuudu apologised and disappeared in a burst of fortune cookies. Becky, Matsuro and
Tejina stepped out of the fourth, third and second door on the right respectively and looked
down to the Scientist, who then rushed though the first door on the right, followed by Tejina,
Matsuro and Becky. The fourth door on the right opened and Becky, the scientist and Matsuro
ran out, being chased by Tejina as they all ran through the second door on the right. Matsuro
rushed into the corridor from the fourth door on the right, Tejina from the first door on the
left, Becky from the first door on the right, the Scientist from the third door on the right
and Tejina from the fourth door on the left. The Do-Gooders rushed at the scientist, who leapt
through the second door on the left. The Scientist dashed through the third door on the right,
towards the third on the left, closely followed by Becky, Matsuro and Tejina. Tejina stopped
in the middle of the corridor, and spend a few seconds looking thoughtful. Something was
bothering her... This train of thought was diverted when the Scientist ran straight past her
from the second door on the right to the second on the left, she ran after him. Becky jumped
out from the fourth door on the left, brandishing her gun, after she remembered her ammoless
situation she ran up to the third door on the left. A young man wearing a backpack with an
umbrella on top stepped out of the second door on the right. He looked around quizzically,
consulted his map and opened the first door on the left. After allowing the Scientist, Becky
and Matsuro to dash past him into the first door on the right, he left through the door. Becky
ran out of the second door on the left, carrying Tejina on her back, closely followed by the
Scientist. Becky turned around and looked at the scientist, looking a bit puzzled. Matsuro ran
in behind the scientist, knocking them all into the second door on the right. Tejina stepped
out from the fourth door on the right, Matsuro from the third on the left, the Scientist from
the second on the right and Becky from the first on the left. Everyone ran for the opposite
ends of the corridor, resulting in an almighty collision in the centre of the room. After the
dust had settled, the Scientist was lying on his back with Matsuro's sword across his neck.
"Urk." Said the scientist.
"So, what now?" Asked Tejina.
"We should call the police of course." Stated Becky.
"But how?" Asked Matsuro. "The phone lines are down."

*

About 20 metres down the road from the house was a public telephone.
"Now how could we have missed that?" Asked Keiko rhetorically. Hanaki shrugged.
"This sort of thing happens. When ever you need it lightning dramatically silhouettes creepy
mansions, but it never seems to dramatically silhouette phone boxes." She noted, turning to
the camera, "But then if it did it wouldn't be as much fun for them."
[Let it slide] Thought Tejina. [You can ignore it this time...]

*

"Well kids..." Began the police officer, shading his eyes from the early morning sunlight,
"...you certainly did well capturing this mad scientist." Concluded the policeman, looking
over to the tied up criminal on the ground next to him.
"But who is he?" asked Keiko.
"That's easy to find out." Tejina reached over, grabbed the top of the scientist's head and
pulled. Everyone gasped as a mask was removed from his head.
"It's..." began Hanaki, who stopped. "Er... who are you?"
"Don't you remember?" asked the unmasked man. "It's me! Jack, The used car salesman!"
"What are you doing here?" asked Kireiko.
"Of course!" Said Tejina, realisation dawning on her face. "By setting up this mansion in the
middle of nowhere next to a treacherous road, Jack could cause several car crashes and sell
the cars to people in San Francisco! That explains the keys we found in the drawer."
"Ahem." said Aki.
"Oh yeah," Admitted Tejina "and there was the whole rain machine thing, but we put a stop to
that." Jack scowled.
"And I would've gotten away with it if it weren't for you blasted meddling kids! And your
drunken cat!"
"Wait a minute... That lab must have cost a fortune!" noted Keiko.
"Your point being?"
"Well you must have had plenty of money to begin with, why spend it on the lab just for your
mad scheme?"
"Er... I'm sure there was a good reason..."
"Yeesh! You must have no grasp of basic economics!"
"Ah yes, that was it!"
What followed was a facefault that could've sunk the west coast below the sea.
"Say, has anyone seen Becky?"

*

Becky stood back, watching as a policeman went off to find towing service to remove the van
from the ditch. BA-3 picked up the receiver from the pay phone and dialled a secret code into
it.
"Camelot? This is the Spanish inquisition; the parrot is dead, proceeding to cheese shop." said
Becky.
"Good work, was there much resistance here?"
"No once expected me."
"Spanish Inquisition, has there been any evidence of your detection?"
"Relax. Nobody knows I'm here." Said Becky, before she hung up.
"KA-BOOM!" said the van, as it was blown up.
"Damn." said Becky, after the dust settled.

*

"Did you hear something?" asked Kireiko.
"Methinks t'was probably just merely the climatic movement of air."
"Probably. By the way that's a rather neat Ayame impersonation."
"Thanks." said Hanaki, turning back to Tejina's conversation.
"So do we get any sort of reward for this?" asked Tejina excitedly.
"Well let's see..." Began Officer Dabble, "...you went through his stuff, stole food from his
fridge, turned his drawer lock to jello, beat up his butler and broke into his lab... You're
looking at a long time in prison..." Tejina sweatdropped, as Becky stepped up behind the
officer and tapped him on the shoulder.
"Excuse me sir, could you look at this pen please?"
*FLASH*

*

The problems had started early in the design process. Balin had wanted a simple rectangular
swimming pool, Bjorn had wanted a circular one, Gimlat had wanted a one shaped like a guitar
and Bomur had wanted a simple rectangular one... With pink and orange tiles. A compromise had
been reached, and there was a strangely shaped depression taking shape in the corner.
Apart from those not watching in a state of immense amusement, there were about eighty other
dwarves engaged in various acts around Matsuro's apartment, mostly involving drinking, and
the occasional brawl. The noise was horrendous to someone who wasn't accustomed to such parties.
Some of Matsuro's neighbours had come round to complain, but had somehow been drawn into the
strangely mesmerising conga line that extended through the party. Over in the corner, some
dwarves and one middle aged human were watching a video Gimlat had brought round.
"I have a cunning plan!" declared the character on screen as he unveiled his latest invention.
"And it involves the red button of Mass Destruction!"
The dwarves cheered and took four sips from their ale. Akemi smiled with glee.
"When's that pool going to be finished?" she shouted across the room.
"When it's done!" Came the answer. One of the dwarves nudged Akemi.
"So how's your son?"
"Oh he's probably in LA now. He'll be ok."
On screen, a song and dance routine began.
And there was much rejoicing.

*

"Where are they?" growled Aki, scanning the crowds for signs of her live-in protectors, as did
the rest of her group.
"There they are." said Hanaki, pointing over to one of the gates, to which the travellers
proceeded.
"BE SAVED FROM VILLYN'S WRATH!" boomed the Blank Psychic. "TAKE A LEAFLET AND JOIN THE RANKS
OF HIS ARMY!" Unsurprisingly enough the minion hadn't had much success, he had only managed
to give leaflets to a few origami enthusiasts and one person who the Blank Psychic thought
looked a bit crazy.
"AKI-SAMA!" he shouted in joy as he saw Aki and stood to attention in her presence.
"Er, right." said Aki, drawing a few stares from people. "Could you wait outside?"
"At once!" He declared, speeding off in the direction of the exit.
"What about him?" asked Keiko, referring to the tent. Aki sighed and leaned down to speak
into the fabric.
"Camper?"
"Aki-sama?"
"Yes, it's me."
"Really?" The Quake Camper opened the end of his tent and stuck his head out, a smile on his
face.
"Could you come out of there so you can protect me?"
The Quake Camper hesitated, Los Angeles was known for it's catastrophic earthquakes and he
didn't want to get caught in one... but Aki's safety was at stake.
"Hai Aki-sama." The Quake Camper collapsed his tent and packed away his stuff, seeming to put
ten times as much stuff in there as it could possibly hold. This show of unexplainable powers
earned a round of applause from a crowd of passing travellers. The Quake Camper bowed, almost
falling over from the weight of his pack.
"I'm ready." stated the loyal minion.
"Right, lets go!" Declared Tejina.

WHAT WILL OUR HEROES DO IN L.A.? WHERE ELSE WILL THEY GO? WHAT WILL HAPPEN AT THE PARTY? JUST
HOW BADLY WRITTEN WAS THIS? WHAT ELSE WILL HAPPEN IN THE NEXT EPISODE OF:
***THE DO-GOODERS WORLD TOUR***?

Author's notes:
It's finished! Finally. Sorry this took so long but at least it's done eh?
Send your C&C to Eslington@bigfoot.com
Did you guess that the Scientist was Jack? If you read through this again you might be able to
spot the hints scattered throughout this fic. 

Anyway, I'd like to thank the Roe and Delfina for encouragement, small bits of proof reading
and some genuinely good ideas:

I'd also like to give a little credit to the folks on the DGML who inspired the whole World Tour
idea, and the following people for proof reading the final version:
Philip "This fic lends itself well to lemon adaptation." Barkow
Jonatan "Too much H annoys me" Streith.
Omi "Did somebody say jello?" No Miko

And another BIG "thank you" to Omi No Miko for agreeing to write the next part!

Matsuro: Help...