So, you've returned from a battle to save the universe and your mother's suddenly turned into a teenager. What will you do when your adoptive parents return from their business trip and demand an explanation? Well fortunately, there are people to help. From the people who brought you: ***AMUSING VILLAN DEATH TRAPS*** "Ha ha my pretty! Unless the UN give in and make me ruler of the Earth, I shall throw this switch and the room shall slowly fill with maple syrup! BWAHAHA!" ***CAPTAIN HENTAI, GUARDIAN OF THE UNIVERSE*** "Look! Up in the sky!" "Is it's a bird?" "Is it a plane?" "No it's... It's obscene!" And the million selling epic: ***RETURN OF THE REVENGE OF THE NEW ALL ACTION TEAM RIDES AGAIN 2*** "But Nigel! We can't fit the plane through that window!" "We don't need the whole plane!" Yes, from those loveable folks on the Do-Gooders Mailing List, It's: ******************************************************************************* THE DGML GUIDE TO EXPLAINING THE APPEARANCE OF ANOTHER FUKU'D SISTER. ******************************************************************************* Featuring advice from: Eslington, hear him quip: "Why's everyone looking at me? Just 'cos I started the damn thing..." Laughing in the face of parental anger, Jonatan Streith cries: "Don't worry, I have a clever plan!" Philip Vincent Barkow, watch as he mocks maternal malice with his witty catchphrase: "That disturbs you? Darn, and I thought I kept it tame." Lawrence Chu mumbles out his witty one-line: "mmmgmrumph, mmgmphmmwmm!" Deftly explaining a sudden sibling, Yasha cries: "I shall pillage, loot and burn! I shall NOT rule the world -- I WILL CRUSH IT UNDER THE HEEL OF MY SNEAKERS!!!" David Menendez and Nicholas Eckert also helped a bit, but didn't supply any quotes for themselves. List compiled by Eslington So when your parents are standing in the hall, gawping at your new sister, you'll be able to counter their horror with one of these simple explanations: 1:"It's a science project mom. I'm doing it on amazingly realistic androids, honest." 2:"Well, Han bought this book about hypnotism..." 3:"Clever isn't it dad? It's all done with mirrors you know..." 4:"Well... remember those big pods in the garden?" 5:"Actually, you're in a VR simulation and we're three parts of a virus... We have to go now. We've arranged to meet our father in this café downtown." 6:"Well, we were working on cloning technology for a science project." 7:"Wait a minute, my REAL adoptive parents have brown eyes!" 8:"Musical duos are old fashioned. Trios are the in thing right now." 9:"The big secret is this special makeup... and the wig, of course." 10:"At any given moment, one of us is made out of paper mache." 11:"It's a future version of myself, mom." 12:"Mom, have you been drinking?" 13:"Actually, she's just a rental." 14:"She's inflatable." 15:"We found this store down town... they have literally EVERYTHING..." 16:"Don't worry about it, I'm going through a narcissistic phase." 17:"It said on the box to just add water..." 18:"I was trying out that new 3D imaging software..." 19:"Actually, mom, you're just dreaming. You're having one of those epoxylyptical dreams again." 20:"It's a project for Home Ec. We're supposed to make cakes that look like us." 21:"It's just a large picture. Really!" 22:"Why are you asking me? I would think Dad would be the one to talk to about another daughter suddenly appearing out of nowhere." 23:"Well mom, you know that cellar door that I'm not allowed to open?" 24:"She was the prize in the bottom of a box of Cracker Jacks." 25:"I remember clearly that I asked for one with blue hair..." 26:"Mom, did you take LSD when you were younger? I think you might be having an acid flashback..." 27:"See, you wind her up in the back..." 28:"Actually, we're being made a large amount of money to fulfil an eccentric billionaire's fantasy..." 29:"I couldn't believe it! I was, like, messing around with our old family heirloom, and there was a bright light, and, well..." 30:"We're starring in the new Triple-Mint commercial." 31:"Mom, you can't mean that you've gone and forgotten one of your daughters!" 32:"I'm learning to be in two places at once." 33:"Actually, I'm not Tejina... she is! Me, I'm just passing by." 34:"That's the last time I call the Goddess Relief Office..." 35:"We've found out that the Government put strange chemicals in the water supply... uh, maybe you should take a look in a mirror, mom... and sit down first." 36:"She's made out of wood, actually. Do you remember the story of Pinocchio?" 37:"Various parts of my personality have taken physical form." 38:"She's a version of me from a parallel universe." 39:"She's the new maid... yes, I know she looks just like me, but that's probably just a coincidence." 40:"That's just one of Eiji's more ambitious meccanno projects." 41:"Well, I had to find a way to date all the cute male characters." 42:"She's my stunt double." 43:"She's our real mom, caught in a magical... what, you don't believe me?" 44:"Did you ever see the movie 'Single White Female'?" 45:"She's not real! We purchased a life-size Tejina model from Gainax and painted the hair green! Isn't it cute?" 46:"Apparently Kireiko rented some weird video, and she just popped out of the screen..." 47:"Some weird pink-haired scientist combined Tej's DNA with something called the Mass... Just don't startle her!" 48:"It's just one of the new sailors using a Disguise Pen!" 49:"If you think this decoy sailor disguise is good, you should see the one we did for Kireiko..." 50:"While you were away, Eiji developed a unique medical condition..." 51:"All shall be revealed when I pour this hot water on her..." 52:"Must you be so cynical Mom? I mean, most parents would love to get another daughter without being pregnant for 9 months." 53:"We found her in the attic..." 54:"Apparently I reproduce by binary fission." 55:"Er, she says she was sent from the future to kill a...John Connor?" 56:"I'm just standing beside myself with joy!" (On second thoughts no, that'll just make them angrier.) 57:"Well, this one's actually a Tejina clone. We're supposed to bring her to Death Peak and use her with the Chrono Trigger to..." 58:"Put on your glasses mom." 59:"Relax mother, it's just another sign that you have entered... The Twilight Zone!" o/~ Deedleedledeedleedle o/~ 60:"It's of my Sailor Powers, watch..." "DEUX POUR UNIA!" 61:"She just crawled out of the woodwork." 62:"I'm going to let Han explain this..." 63:"She's just a bunch of rogue mutant mitochondria trying to take over the world... the resemblance is just superficial." 64:"As part of my payment for modelling for the design of the new life-size Barbie-doll, I get one free of charge." 65:"She actually my identical cousin! The funny thing is that she's named Tejina, too!" 66:"She's not real. She's just a pre-recording I made while wearing a wig." 67:"Hey! What do you mean that chimpanzee looks like me?!" 68:"She's just a bystander. Ignore her." 69:"She's a cousin visiting from India. Really." 70:"She's animatronic. We're planning to use her as a decoy in case that laughing guy shows up at our next gig." 71:"This is what you looked like at age 17, mom." 72:"Now Hanaki, all we have to do is make sure our parents never see more than two of us at once." 73:"Eiji's started cross-dressing." 74:"Well, we were hiking across this place in China, and Kireiko accidentally fell into one of the springs..." 75:"Wait a minute! That's not Hanaki! That's..." "Old Man Gordley from the Old Folks Home?!?!???" "And I would've gotten away with if it weren't for you short-skirted girls, your hallucinating friend, and your half-oni too!" Send Comments, Criticism and chocolate to Eslington@bigfoot.com or alternatively, send them to the Do-Gooders Mailing list: dgml@onelist.com Suggestions for future updates will be welcome!