DO-GOODERS Original Concept by Stefan Gagne Episode 7 - Violence! Who Will Be Left Standing? by David Siegel [dhs28@columbia.edu] When we last saw our heroes, they had just arranged for some sort of organization in the fight that they were about to launch into. The mundane gangsters would have it out with Agent V, his assistant, and his wife Agent Anderson of the CIA. The indignant Valkyries, out to reclaim one of the legendary swords of duality (only obtainable by gathering 200 boxtops from "Asgard Crispies"), would battle its holder, Matsuro, who may or may not be the destined savior/destroyer of the world. The Cthulhu cultists would attempt to claim the body of Kireiko as the host for their dark, octopoid master. And the valley- demon summoned by Keiko would face off against the might of Sailor Delight. A large group of people filed out of the Auxiliary Meeting room of the Tokyo Legitimate Businessman's Club, leaving three within it. "Ok!", Tejina shouted perkily. "Me and the demon will fight on stage, the firefight can use the seating area, and Matsuro and his lady friends can go outside! Everyone ok with that?" The "Legitimate Businessmen" all nodded, the Valkyries thrust their mighty spears into the air, giving shouts of assent, and the fearsome hell-demon brought forth by the arcane (alright, almost arcane) powers of Keiko tossed her hair and squeaked out "Like, uh-huh!" As Matsuro headed for the window and Tejina for the stage, Kireiko came out of the auxiliary room himself, pulling on a T-shirt. Seeing that everyone was just about to embark on their respective fights, he just waved to Tejina and hung back, leaning against the wall. His fight, he felt, had gone rather well. /\\//\\//\\//\\//\\//\\//\\//\\//\\//\\//\\//\\//\\//\\//\\//\\//\\//\\//\ When the head of the local Cthulhu cult had explained that anyone witnessing the powers he would unleash to enslave the half-oni might very well be driven insane, everyone had happily agreed to leave the cultists and Kireiko in the room alone. As soon as everyone had left, the leader had laughed a stereotypical insane cultist laugh and placed his hand on Brother Maynard's head. "FOOL!" he proclaimed, "You have resisted our Great Master long enough! I will now turn this pathetic worm of a man into a Champion of Darkness, and he will defeat you so that you may serve as the earthly shell for Great Cthulhu himself!" "Sir?" Brother Maynard squeaked out as the dark priest went into another fit of laughter. [NOTE: The text of the Cultist's incantation has been censored, in order to preserve your sanity. You should thank me for this.] "*****" The cultist shouted in a harsh and disgusting language, causing Brother Maynard's eyes to glow red and his body to stiffen. "*****! ****** **** ** ***********! ***** URK!" This unexpected termination was due to Kireiko grabbing the cultist by the throat and casually tossing him out the window. While the cultist had been laughing and pronouncing Kireiko's doom, he had calmly removed his jacket and shirt, changing from a mildly menacing human guitarist into an extremely menacing Half-Oni guitarist. Brother Maynard just wet himself and slumped to the floor. His eyes, however, remained an inhuman red. Kireiko shrugged and dug a new T-shirt and Ofuda out of his bag. /\\//\\//\\//\\//\\//\\//\\//\\//\\//\\//\\//\\//\\//\\//\\//\\//\\//\\//\ Once Kireiko had settled himself against the wall and Becky had found a convenient table to hide under, the preparations of the remaining combatants began. Matsuro leapt out the window followed by a flight of Valkyries, Agents V, S, and Anderson overturned some tables to hide behind while firing, and Tejina ascended the stage to face off against the vicious shopping-obsessed hellspawn. Outside, Matsuro windmilled his arms, desperately trying to stay atop the lampost he had leaped onto. He hadn't even regained his balance when the first Valkyrie charged at him, spear at the ready. He managed to divert her spear away from him, and just barely avoid the tip of the next, but the third caught him square in the chest, neatly impaling him. He gasped as the shaft slid through his chest and the tip emerged from his back. In the seating area, things were going quite well for Agents V and Anderson. V's sidekick, S, had been messily blown apart by one of the two-dozen thugs in the room, but V wasn't concerned, as this S, number 32, had only been pulled from the Vats three days ago, and he really hadn't formed any emotional attachment yet. Anderson wasn't concerned either, as she believed that any of those damned MiB's deserved exactly what they got. They had managed to pick off most of the thugs, however, leaving only four. It was then that one of the thugs had an idea. He dropped to the floor to avoid the hail of bullets and plasma from the two agents, crawled over to the table where Becky hid, roughly grabbed her, and stood, holding his gun to her temple. "Both of you drop 'em!" he shouted, "Or the girl gets it!" Both agents stopped firing. "I mean it!" he continued, "I'll ice her! I swear!" V looked to his wife. <> he said mournfully in English, <> Agent Anderson could only look back in sorrow and nod. They both dropped their guns. "Good." gloated the thug who held Becky, "Now kick 'em out." They both kicked their weapons out from behind the table, but before the thugs could kill them, V screamed out to his daughter. <> With this, Becky's mind exploded. Tejina was having a similarly difficult time on stage. Her posing had failed to impress the demon. Her first attack, her Cardo Suwaru, had failed to even scratch the demon's skin, and she had gotten a nasty slash across her arm while she held the associated pose. Ignoring the pain in her arm, she waved it at the demon and shouted the attack that had defeated her first opponent. "CHEKU BOUNCE!", she shouted, and was happily surprised when the demon was thrown into the wall violently. She was surprised, but not happy at all when the demon pulled herself out of the wall and charged her. /\\//\\//\\//\\//\\//\\//\\//\\//\\//\\//\\//\\//\\//\\//\\//\\//\\//\\//\ All around Matsuro, everything faded to black. Out of the corner of his eye, he caught a glimpse of something and whirled to face it. "Where did everything go," he thought as he turned, "The buildings, those crazy women on their flying horses...wait...wasn't I just stabbed?" Matsuro's eyes came to rest on what had become a familiar, almost comforting image. There in the blackness hung his mother, crucified on something constructed of metal girders and wire. She raised her bloodied head and addressed him. "Matsuro...You must go to Tokyo." The silence filled the air as ravens plucked away at the body of Matsuro's mother. "This again," Matsuro thought as he rolled his eyes and spoke. "We've been through this, mom. I'm IN Tokyo now." She blinked, her eyes now flowing out of their sockets and down her cheeks, and spoke again. "Matsuro...You must fulfill your DESTINY." "Mom, I just got stabbed by a bunch of Valkyries. Is THAT part of my destiny? Huh? And what the hell IS my destiny, anyway?" She blinked, eyelids flapping over orbless sockets, and spoke haltingly. "Hang on... Let me transfer you." He was about to ask what she meant, but everything was black again. Suddenly, the sound of a heartbeat not his own filled his ears, blotting out all other sound, and an ethereal blue flame appeared in the dark, filling his vision. Confusion had barely entered his mind when memory ceased. Seconds later, an unearthly howl pierced the Tokyo night, moments before the air was filled with shredded bits of Norse-Horse. Shattered bits of a bloody spear fell to the ground as the Valkyries fled screaming back to Asgard. Becky's mind was aflame. Time froze, and she remembered... {Hazy Flashbackish Half-Memory} BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! "Very good, BA-3! Shot grouping within one inch, one hundred feet away from a moving target! Now try it like..." "Most alarm systems can be disabled by..." "The Sig Sauer...." "The wrist is notoriously easy to break, simply..." "The Colt..." "The Hamer Cruisebass bass guitar..." "Cyanide is best delivered in which food? Yes, BA-3?" "The taste of Cyanide is best concealed in..." "Snapping the neck of an opponent can be accomplished in one of many ways..." "The bassline for "Hotel California" starts out like this..." {Return to Reality} Time began to move again. In a single, smooth motion, Becky shattered the jaw of her captor and took his gun. Without blinking she brought it across and fired, shooting the guns away from the remaining thugs. Agent Amy Anderson smiled ruefully at her husband. <> Becky dropped to her knees in shock. "Its like I'm some super-agent out of Anime," she thought, "This is so cool." She tried to ignore the little voice in the back of her head berating her for doing anything as Un-American as watching Anime, and pushed back the sudden urge to assassinate the Japanese Prime Minister. Tejina gasped for her lost breath as she pulled herself off the floor. The demon stood over her, taunting her. "Like, do you really think that those pathetic attacks could hurt Moi, stupid human? I am SO empowered by shopping energy. It, like, only makes me ummmm stronger." She drew her clawed fist back. "Like, shi-ne." Clutching her magic pen tightly, Tejina grimaced. It COULDN'T end like this, but she had used both her attacks, and the demon just kept coming. The demon unleashed its attack and pain washed over her. Tejina thrashed on the stage, caught in the blast of dark shopping power. The demon stopped the flow, and looked down at Tejina's unmoving form. Kireiko sprang up from his resting place and placed hands to his shirt, ready to tear it off and transform, even it was his only spare until he could get home. He would destroy that demon if it had hurt Tejina. The demon laughed, unaware that Tejina was slowly pulling herself to her feet. It was only when Tejina had risen that the Kalifornian noticed. "WHAT? That's like, impossible!" "No, its Delightful! Alright! Here I go!" Tejina paused and struck a pose. "DELIGHTFUL ACCOUNT OVERDRAFT!" The demon screamed as its energy was overspent, sucked out by the shopping power of Sailor Delight. Kireiko released his hold on his shirt. He shouldn't have worried. END EPISODE SEVEN WHAT LIES IN STORE FOR OUR HEROES NOW? WILL BROTHER MAYNARD BE THE FIRST EFFECTUAL CTHULHU CULTIST? WILL MATSURO INCORPORATE STILL MORE APOCALYPTIC ORPHANS? (AND WILL IT INVOLVE FLORAL SYMBOLISM?) WILL KIREIKO EVER KEEP AN AMP SAFE THROUGH A WHOLE SHOW? WHAT ELSE HAS PROJECT ARTICHOKE-ULTRA DONE TO BECKY BESIDES TRAINING HER TO SHOOT, KILL, AND PLAY A MEAN BASS GUITAR? WILL KEIKO MAKE A PACT WITH THE DARK VALLEY OF SIMI, IN KALIFORNIA? Project ARTICHOKE is NOT a CIA assassination training program. MK-ULTRA is NOT anything involving aliens and the conditioning of humans. REALLY! THEY'RE PURELY FICTIONAL Special thanks to Dave Weiler, for kindly providing the Ushio to Tora mp2's, which I played while writing this.