DO-GOODERS The Proactive Teen Superhero Team With No X Anywhere In Their Title A FanArt HQ / Spoof Chase Improfanfic http://pixelscapes.com/improfanfic Episode Thirteen : Journey to the Darkverse! Barneys must die! by Jonatan Streith (J_Streith@hotmail.com) Original story concept by Stefan Gagne NOTE: Any similarities with any anime character, living, dead, or otherwise, is purely coincidental. No youma were harmed during the production of this episode. Special thanks to Jeroen du Chatinier for an awesome idea with Matsuro's hallucination scene! Thanks, guv! * * * "Ok, monster... time for you to bleed," Keiko said, raising the cleaver. "Now, now," youma Barney said, stepping out of the pentagram and walking towards Keiko, "young girls shouldn't use sharp, dangerous items like that. put it down and we'll sing instead." With that, he took hold of her hands and started dancing around the room. "You're not supposed to be able to cross the lines! How did you get out?" Keiko said, a feeling of dread filling her. Her rune-covered cleaver fell to the floor, where it stuck. "Why, Keiko-chan, my very special friend," the purple monstrosity replied, "don't you know that love and friendship can overcome any barriers? And, incidently, lipstick is a lousy replacement for real blood, regardless of the color." Then the creature let go of her and started to sing. "I love you, you love me, we're a happy family..." youma Barney intoned. Keiko felt her brain starting to melt under the assault, as she slid to the floor. [This can't be happening! Wait... wasn't there some sort of defense spell in the book?] Fighting against unconsciousness, she reached out and grabbed the book from where she had dropped it earlier, and paged through it, fervently searching for the spell. "...with a big hug, and a big kiss, I'll steal your life force, just like..." Youma Barney realized that the girl was muttering something under her breath. "What's that, Keiko-chan? Is there something you'd like to share with your friend Barney?" "...zem, tai, agasha, TAI-DEN!" Keiko intoned. As if by magic (which was what it was) her mind cleared, and she stood up, cleaver in hand. "It ends here, foul darkverse spawn! Take this!" With that, she sank the cleaver into the lizard's left arm, drawing a small amount of blood. Barney paled as black mist swirled around the cleaver, generated by the blood. "I'm outta here! And you're NOT one of my special friends!" With that, he dashed out the window, not bothering to open it. Keiko stared at the cleaver. [Darkverse blood...] she quickly cast the appropriate spell on it, and felt the power fill her. She lifted off the floor, energy crackling through her, her form changing and developing... ...and fell flat on her face. "Not enough blood. I need more..." She realized that a large shadow was hastily getting away through her back yard. "You get back here! EEHEHEHEHEE!!!" she cried, dashing after it, gleefully chasing the darkverse creature through the night. * * * "So what's the deal with these two symbols?" Aki Villyn asked Charles, as the pet bird had introduced itself. Aki was tired - beyond tired, in fact, and out on the other side, but she was curious nonetheless. Besides, Tejina might want to know, and maybe she could use it to irritate her dad some more. After all, he deserved it. "Ah yes, the Icon of Rapturous Delight and the Emblem of Delightful Rapture." Aki rolled her eyes at that statement; the bird seemed to find immense pleasure in reciting the names over and over again. "You wish to know of them? Well, Daisy would know more, but... the Icon of Rapturous Delight and the Emblem of Delightful Rapture are two powerful weapons, created by queen Amore of the Crystal City of Delight, which was once founded on the moon." The bird looked thoughtful for a while, and continued, "or maybe Hawaii. Or somewhere else. The Icon of Rapturous Delight and the Emblem of Delightful Rapture are two very strong weapons, specially designed for Sailor Delight and Sailor Rapture. They look like two flat panels until they are wielded, at which point they change into their inherent forms. They cannot be beaten, stapled, folded, spindled or mutilated. Also, they..." "And where are those things?" Aki asked, before the bird could get too deep into the magic technobabble. "Since the Chrystal City was destroyed by the Darkverse 15,000 years ago, I'd say they have them. Pilfering bastards." "And where is this 'Darkverse', may I ask?" Aki asked acidly. Charles tiny-tiny-sweated and tried to put his wing behind his head in typical anime fashion, which didn't work that well. "I don't really know..." "YOU DON'T KNOW???" Aki exclaimed, gripping the talking bird in a grip that would have killed a lesser, non-magical bird. "N-n-no, b-but all we have to do is --" a greenish-purple blur passed by. "follow that creature, Aki-san! It knows how to reach the Darkverse!" the bird exclaimed. Caught up in the excitement, Aki ran after it. * * * "I'm telling you, I'm gonna skip school for the rest of the week," Tejina stated, as the three sleep-deprived bandmembers (and their equally sleep- deprived roadie/sailor warrior/schizophreniac/general annoyance staggered out of 'Stan's used music instrument emporium'. "Maybe then I'll have caught up with my sleep." "'Kickass.' Who needs school, anyway?" Kireiko agreed. "We're professional musicians now!" Becky groaned. "Don't talk so loud! My head is killing me. I swear, if it doesn't get any better, I'm gonna shoot myself..." she winced. "Besides, what do you mean with 'professional'? We haven't made a single yen so far!" "Didn't we make a lot of cash from that gig at school?" "Yes, but we used all that to buy a new amplifier to replace the old one that paperbag guy broke!" "And what about the gig at the club?" "What club?" "You know, the one with the buffet and the bar and all those people in suits..." "...and the Yakuza," Tejina helpfully added, "and the Cthuluists, and the valkyries, and that demon. Kireiko-chan, they tried to KILL US!! We weren't sticking around to ask for our pay!" "We should have." Matsuro said dryly. "I'm certain our contract had a clause about not trying to kill the band on pain of increased pay." "I'm SO glad that you two agree with each other." Becky groused. The two boys blinked in unison and stared at each other. "I'm NOT agreeing with HIM!" Kireiko snarled, as Matsuro hmpf'ed and replied, "I'm just stating the obvious." Becky smiled inwards. [Just as I suspected. Should I tell Tej... no, not as much fun that way.] "It's not that I agree with HIM," Matsuro continued, "I just mean --" Matsuro's witty reply was cut short as a purple blur rounded the corner and crashed into Tejina. "Sailor Delight! My very special friend!" youma Barney exclaimed with an excited and at the same time relieved voice. "Save me from that crazy girl! I'll do anything! ANYTHING!" "Wow, Barney!" Becky happily exclaimed, before her migraine made itself known again. "Ouch." Tejina stared unbelievingly at the youma in front of her. "What the hell are you doing here?!?" "Now, now, young girls shouldn't use such language." Barney chided, momentarily forgetting himself. Aki walked around the corner. "Hey, monster! You..." she trailed off as she took in the tableau, and then noticed Tejina and her friends. "Oh, hi, guys! Uh... I kinda need that monster." "That's right!" Charles chirped. Tejina blinked several times, and recalled the last 20 seconds of conversation. "Aki, since when did you hunt youmas?" "And since when did canary birds talk?" Kireiko added. "I feel like I'm trapped in a bad anime," Becky stated. "Doesn't that account for all anime?" "Shut up." "Not her, morons!" youma Barney screamed, "Some other crazy girl with a large cleaver and..." "I believe it's referring to me," Keiko stylishly intoned, stepping out of the shadows in an undoubtedly cool fashion. Since her new superpowers, no matter how weak, included 'looking cool all the time', these things now came naturally to her. "Ladies and gentlemen, I'm afraid that monster belongs to me. Hand it over, please." She casually twirled the cleaver to make her point clear; somehow, after being covered with the dark blood, it had improbably grown into a larger, much more menacing shape; it now RADIATED power. The runes had changed, too. Aki stepped in between the dark-clad girl and the monster. "You can't have him! We need him!" "We do?" Tejina asked, dumbfounded. "He has vital information!" "I do?" youma Barney asked, equally dumbfounded. "I don't care anything about that," Keiko said, giving them a smile that sent shivers down the spines of everyone within a 50-foot radius. "I want it's blood, and that's final." She raised her cleaver. Charles eyed the blade with obvious interest, had anyone cared about what the bird was doing. [Interesting runes... don't recognize those ones... 'boxtops'... 'full set'... 'duality'... how interesting.] Suddenly, Matsuro intervened, blocking the huge weapon with his sword. "I don't think that's necessary, miss. I think that whatever information Aki says it has, is worth listening to." Keiko stared, her resolve slipping. "Um.. eh.. that's.. that sounds.. reasonable.. I suppose?" She realized that she had just given up her best source of Darkverse blood. [Don't bother with that, girl! You have your best chance with HIM now!] Gathering her strength, she continued, "You're in.. eh.. that band, right? Eh.. plays drums.. what I want to say is.. um.. I'd like to.. I mean.. I'm.." she blushed as she trailed off. Matsuro smiled in his own way. "Of course! I know just what you want." "You do? Uhh.." "Of course. I've felt like that before, you know." With that, he pulled out... a pen and a photo of himself. "And who is it to?" "Eh? Keiko! Yes, that's it. Yamanaka Keiko. Pleased to meet you." she managed. "Right." He scribbled on the picture for a moment, and handed it over to her. On it, she could read 'To Keiko, my greatest fan, from "Bishonen guy" Matsuro' in slightly crummy handwriting. "There you go. Always nice to know you have a fan." Matsuro raised his voice slightly so that Kireiko would hear. The half-oni guitarist snorted and turned his back to him. [Fan? But...] Keiko thought, and prepared to reply, but Bishonen guy had turned his back to her, listening to Tejina and Aki arguing about the Youma. * * * "So you say that the Darkverse has the icon and the emblem?" Tejina asked. Charles chirped happily, glad to get some attention. "Yes. They stole the Icon of Rapturous Delight and the Emblem of Delightful Rapture 15,000 years ago." "And we need to recover them." "Yes." "Why?" "What?" the bird asked, slightly puzzled. "Not 'what', 'WHY'? Why do we have to recover them?" The bird flapped his wings a bit. "I'll try to explain..." * * * "I don't get it." Tejina said. "Neither do I," said Kireiko, who had been listening to the discussion since the pretty-boy had made his speech about 'fans'. [Who needs fans, anyway? I bet I can get dozens of fans!] "First you say that you're going to explain, then you trail off, and then.." "What does '* * *' mean, anyway?" Aki asked, perplexed. Charles flapped indignantly. "It doesn't matter! You must find the icon and the emblem, as soon as possible! They are vital to your sucess in the upcoming battles! Soon the Darkverse will know that you have been reawakened, and take action!" the small bird panted heavily, not accustomed to such long rants. [He must be excited,] Aki mused, [he didn't even use the full titles.] "But if the Darkverse holds the icon and the emblem, wouldn't they be able to use them against us?" Tejina injected. "No, we can't," youma Barney injected. "They're completely worthless, and..." he realized that he was giving away clues. "Eh.. I mean, of course we can! You are helpless against our powers! You might as well give up now!" The lizard smiled a fake smile (as if it wasn't fake already), in a vain attempt to lead them on. "Quiet, creature." Keiko pointed her right index finger at the crature and fired a small burst of dark energy. It winced slightly. "Itee! That hurt!" Keiko stared at her finger. [Now how did I do that?] Out loud, she said, "Right. And if you don't behave, I'll do much worse." The youma obediently shut up. Kireiko eyed the bird. "So those thingies can't be used by those... Darkverse creatures? Good." "Correct. Only the Sailors can use them." "What you need to do NOW," a new voice injected, coming in at knee level, is to persuade that tainted beast to show you a way to the Darkverse Dimension. Otherwise you'll never recover the symbols." Eight pairs of eyes turned to behold this new speaker. "Rover!" the canary exclaimed. "How good to see you!" "Likewise, Charles, old chap." the dog-companion of Sailor Rapture said. "The years have been good on you." "A talking dog. How fun." Aki Villyn said. "I think I'll need a rest." "I gave up on being rational weeks ago," Becky replied. "It's much easier to accept it as it is." Tejina scratched the dog behind his ears. "Let's do some interrogation. Not here, though." She neatly slung a large sack over Barney's head and pushed him along. "And maybe then I can get my monster back," Keiko muttered, angry at being totally ignored. "I'm a busy girl... monsters to kill, rituals to cast..." She went after them. * * * A while later, in the basement of Tejina's house. The instruments had been cleared away, and Tejina was seated at a table opposite of Barney (still with the large sack over his head), who was seated awkwardly in a small chair. It was quite uncomfortable, given the fact that it wasn't made for huge lizards. Kireiko pulled the sack off the youma. Tejina smiled benevolently at the monster. "I'm terribly sad to see you in this situation, old friend. But it seems like you have some vital information we need, and... well, I'm really sorry about this. So..." she trailed off and gazed into the ceiling. "So, let's I'd want to... visit the Darkverse. What would I have to do?" Barney stared at her. "Tejina-chan, my very special friend, you know I can't tell you that. It's a secret, you see. And as everyone knows, it's impolite to ask about secrets that people don't want to tell you about." The youma grinned widely (not that he had another option) in his best, most reassuring smile. THUD!! A huge, goth-style, rune-covered cleaver hit the table. Barney's eyes grew to three times their original size, and turned to take in the full sight of its wielder. Keiko was looming over him, wearing her black dress, Kireiko's leather jacket, and a very angry expression. "I - have - had - ENOUGH - of this!" She suddenly put the cleaver to his throat. "I'll just kill it now and have it over with." There was no mistaking the gleam in her eyes, least of all to Barney. Tejina held her back. "Get a hold of yourself, Keiko-san!" she said with all the theatrical skill of someone who'd received a D- in Drama class. "much as it's tempting, we can't kill him now!" To Barney, she said, "So how do I do to get there? Is there something I'll need to do, or...?" "I don't know!" Barney screamed. "I was blindfolded! Brainwashed! Drugged! If I tell you, they'll kill me!!! Please!!!" Tejina pushed her chair back and stood up. "I'm sick of this. Keiko, you take over this." Keiko rubbed her hands together. "AWWRIGHT!!!" She leaned over the creature and started drawing a dotted line along his throat with her red lipstick. The beast started to sweat. "Er... what are you doing?" Keiko grinned, seemingly rival the youma for amount of teeth. "Oh, just trying to figure out where to cut. Is this too high? Where do you have your jugular vein, anyway?" "But... but you... no! NOOO!!!" he screamed. Matsuro wished he had his camcorder. "Oh, shut up. Now where did I put my bucket?" Keiko placed a plastic bucket on the table and pushed the youma's neck over it. "NOOOOOOO!!! I'LL TELL! I'LL TELL! SAILOR DELIGHT! HELP!!!" "Hold it, Keiko-san," Tejina said from the doorway. Keiko lowered her weapon, grumbling with all the theatrical skill of someone who'd received a A+ in Drama class. "You'll tell?" Tejina asked. Barney nodded. "Alright, spill it." "Suzuhara Park." the lizard lifted his grinning head off the bucket. "On Saturday, some time in the evening, a natural portal will open in the middle of Suzuhara Park." "You sure about this?" Keiko asked. "Would I lie?" "Yes." Youma Barney sweated. "It's true! I swear!" "Leave him alone for now. We'll have to believe him, anyway." Tejina pulled Keiko over to the others. "Suzuhara Park. I guess we'll have to wait there until it opens, right?" "Do we really have to do this?" Kireiko asked, opening a beer can (that Tejina believed she had a good clue of where it came from) "Yes." Rover the dog said. "I don't talk to dogs." "Your loss." Tejina noticed that Becky was grinning like a madman. "*Sigh* Yes, becky? is there something you'd like to say?" Becky's grin widened, even though it was physically impossible. "I've got a nice surprise for you guys!" Matsuro looked at his clock and sighed. "Let me guess. You've gotten us a gig, right? And it's in Suzuhara Park? And it's sceduled on Saturday." Becky's smile shrank a bit. "You cheated!" "Whatever." He yawned and stretched a bit. "Isn't it time to sleep now?" "Unless you prefer to go to school. *Yawn* Good night, or whatever." Tejina stumbled off towards the door. "You can find your own way out!" *SLAM!* the door slammed shut. Matsuro was heading toward the door, when a hand tapped him on the shoulder. Keiko was standing behind him, looking nervous. "What is it?" he asked in a slightly too harsh tone; she took a step back. "Umm..." she said, "I just wondered... eh..." Suddenly, sweet strains of music filled the air, as the walls started to pulsate, the floor turned blue and started to float upwards in round bubbles. The severed heads of the last four presidents of USA floated by in formation. Strange colored clouds drifted by, looking like special FX props from the 70's. A 20-foot tall woman with her head under her left arm appeared in front of him in a puff of logic. How she could fit in a basement noone would know, but hallucinations make those things look easy. His mother pointed at him. "Mason, you must join the hockey team." Matsuro looked confused. "Who's Mason?" His mother peered at him, laughed embarrassedly, and put her hand behind her head. "Sorry, wrong son..." She straightened up, and took out a clipboard which she read carefully. "Elric, you... no, that's not right either." Another check. "Matsuro, you... it is you, Matsuro, right?" Matsuro nodded half-heartedly. "Right. You must go to Tokyo." "Done that." She marked off something on the clipboard. "You must join the band." "That too." Another mark. "You must find --" "The Sword of Duality. Yay." He held up the sword. "Right!" The beheaded apparition spun around, grew tentacles, exploded, cured the common cold, and reformed into her original shape, all in 0.2 seconds. She threw away the clipboard, severing a few tentacles coming out of the wall. "The upcoming battle is soon onto us. You must be prepared. Kepp your friends near you and your enemies even nearer, unless they're nasty, in which case you should keep them as far away as possible. Never turn your back to the dragons. Santa Claus is coming to town. The owls are not what they seem to be. Tako Wa Ageru." Matsuro was temporarily distracted by the lead zeppelins and the melting clocks in the distance. "Anything useful to tell me?" "Only this. If you meet your brother Cain on the road, kill him." With that, she seemed to float away, her last words of "Take care!" hanging in the air. "Good bye, ma'am!" Keiko said. Matsuro turned, an expression of genuine surpriseon his face. Next to him, Keiko was waving goodbye to the ghostly apparition of his mother. "You could see that?" he asked. "Why, yes. Rather disgusting, really, but..." Keiko replied, blushing slightly. "So, that was your mother?" "Yes." Matsuro replied. "She's dead, I think." "Oh, I'm sorry." "Don't be. You had nothing to do with it." Keiko stared at him, and shrugged. "I need to be going now." She looked around. "Where did my monster go?" "I think Becky's talking with him," Kireiko said, grabbing Matsuro by the neck of his shirt. "something about an autograph. We're LEAVING, 'Bishonen guy'. Let go of your fans." The oni-powered youth pulled his surprised friend out through the door. * * * "Gee, thanks, mr. Barney!" Becky chirped, literally bursting with joy over the autograph the Darkverse TV-host had given her. "You're my favorite!!" Aki Villyn looked on from her seat at the table, idly wondering if she was the only one normal person in the room. She was also studiously ignoring the small bird on her shoulder, who was ranting about cosmic power and fukus. "You do know he's a horrible monster intent on conquering the world, don't you?" she asked the super-otaku. "Of course I know! I'm not stupid, you know!" she gave Aki a goofy grin. "But he's just so great!*Sigh*" Barney was not a happy youma, whatever his stupid grin said. He couldn't escape here without notice, and if he tried, that scary girl was bound to do something nasty to him. Even if he could get away, his superiors would probably do something equally nasty to him for revealing that information, little as it was. Being the most frightening youma in the entire Darkverse, not much could get to him, yet some of his masters... he shuddered. "That's so nice to hear, Becky-chan. And I want you to know that you're my favorite best friend in the entire world! Can I go now, you think?" Becky was about to reply, when a cool and moody voice spoke up. "Oh, yes, youma. 'Go' is right. You've got to 'go'. After I've taken what I need from you." She pushed up her glasses and laid the cleaver across the creature's throat. Turning to Becky, she asked, "Is there a bathroom we could use?" "Bathroom?" Barney squeaked. "More hygienical that way." She grinned, her teeth glittering. Becky pointed at a nearby door, and Keiko pushed the grinning and sweating lizard through, closing it behind her. "Bye, Barney!" Becky giggled, waving her hand. "Noo! NOOO!! N--" Thud. Sploosh. Gurgle, gurgle. Drip drip drip. These were the sounds that could be heard for a while through the door, before a grinning Keiko stepped out of the door, carrying a bucket, thankfully covered with a lid. "G'night, girls! See you around!" she merrily skipped out through the door, singing, "o/For the blood that is power..o/" Aki gaped. Becky nudged her in the side. "Isn't she just so COOL???" Aki gave her a look. "I thought you were a Barney fan." Becky sniffed, derisively. "Of course not. He was an evil creature and a taint upon this world, and must be cleansed to make room for a new world order." Aki edged away from her. "Wh-whatever you say, Becky. I'll be going now..." * * * Meanwhile, in Valhalla, three drunk figures were bodily thrown out of yet another bar. More specific, two dwarves and a human. More or less human, anyway. "Where to next, guys?" one of the dwarves asked, ineffectively trying to shake the alcohol hazes from his head. "Oh, *hic* I know just the *hic* place..." the darkclad albino said in a less mournful and more alcohol-slurred voice. "Someplace in another dimension nearby. A little place called "The Darkverse drab-and-dark Bar..." The other dwarf got up from the ground. "Lead on, fella." * * * IS KEIKO'S CLEAVER ACTUALLY THE SECOND SWORD OF DUALITY, OR IS CHARLES ILLITERATE? WILL THE GIRLS GO ON A SHOPPING TRIP ON FRIDAY, OR WILL DISASTER STRIKE? WILL KEIKO BECOME THE QUEEN OF DARKNESS, OR WILL SHE FAIL MISERABLY? WILL AKI BECOME A SAILOR WARRIOR MERELY FOR ANNOYING HER FATHER? WILL THE DO-GOODERS PLAY AT THE DARKVERSE BAR, THUS TYING THE DWARVES AND THEIR FRIEND INTO THE PLOT? WILL KEIKO'S SPELL WORK, OR RESULT IN YET MORE FRUIT? WHAT DOES '* * *' ACTUALLY MEAN, AND HOW DO YOU PRONOUNCE IT? WHY DOESN'T TEJINA'S BROTHER GET ANY SCENES? WILL I EVER STOP RANTING? WHAT IS THE SPEED OF AN UNBURDENED PIGEON? WHY ARE THESE QUESTIONS WRITTEN IN CAPITALS, ANYWAY? FIND OUT IN THE NEXT PART OF: DO-GOODERS!!! -=- Sailor Delight says: "Don't mess with Barney." * * * Author's afterwords: Well, was that fun to write or what? I swear, getting an END to this part was harder than thinking up ideas. Anyway, I hope you'll like it. C&C always welcome! Don't visit my homepage at http://w1.581.telia.com/~u58101313/ . it's lame. should you visit it anyway, drop a line about what you thought about it and how I could make it better. Have a nice day! Jonatan Streith