SUMMARY: In the beginning, Earth was formed. Then dinosaurs came
along. But they became big and fat, and died. Then... too far back?

  The gang is back in town, and boy, are they in trouble. Kireiko and
Becky are grounded, Matsuro has gotten several unwanted house-guests on
his hands (more specifically two dwarfs and the ghost of his aunt Ikuko),
and Tejina has just found out that she's adopted, as well as that she has
a twin sister whose mother (THEIR mother) is gone, presumably missing.
Villyn has left on a romantic cruise with Queen Charity, heading for the
tropics, as well as disaster beyond reckoning. And there's this strange
person who keeps spying on them through various foodstuff, as well as
thinking he's DarkWing Duck.

  Are we having fun yet? ^_^

* * * * * * * * *

                            Do-Gooders



                 The Proactive Teen Superhero Team

                 With No X Anywhere In Their Title



               A FanArt HQ / Spoof Chase Improfanfic

                 http://pixelscapes.com/improfanfic



             Episode Twenty-two:

           Plots and plans! Will there ever be any peace in this town?



           by Jonatan Streith (J_Streith@telebot.net)



               Original story concept by Stefan Gagne


  Really huge thanks to Yasha for prereading, nitpicking, support and
providing truly weird ideas during the production of this episode! Domo
arigato gozaimasu! ^_^


  NOTE: Any similarities with any Chthonic entity, living, dead, or
otherwise, is purely intentional. Jodi Foster was not harmed in
the production of this episode.

WARNING: Reading Do-Gooders may result in hyperacoustic diaphragm
convulsions and fluids in nasal cavity. You have been warned.

* * * * * * * * *

  In the heart of the DarkVerse, Esjie let out a piercing laugh. The
Chronos Stone, sitting in his left hand, flared a sickly green, reflecting
its light in the General's eyes.

  "FINALLY! Power! Power at last! GYA-HAHAHAA-HAHA!!!"

  "Yo! Stop that, willya? You're making my ears hurt!"

  Esjie glared at the trendily dressed youma standing beside the throne.
"You seem to forget, Ayesse, that I'm your ruler now. And I won't accept..
 back-talk."

  Ayesse held out a hand mirror and carefully adjusted his hair. "Yeah,
yeah. The Queen's gone AWOL and left you in command." He snorted
derisively. "You're in deep shit when she comes back and finds out
you've been using her throne, I tell ya."

  "Oh, don't worry about that... our 'Queen' is not coming back any time
soon." Esjie smiled evilly, an evil gleam appearing in his eye. Ayesse
was about to ask what he meant about that, but he continued ranting.
"Anyway, we must plan ahead.. and continue the Barney initiative!"

  Ayesse groaned and clutched his head as if in pain. "Foo. You're going
to drag up that old piece of shit again?"

  "Huh?" Esjie blinked as he tried to figure out the slang, and fumed. His
eyes flashed green again. "And what was wrong about the Barney initiative,
may I ask? We received a lot of energy from that!"

  "Yeah, and it was about as fun as watching bricks mate, man!" Ayesse
rolled his eyes (and got a seven) dramatically. "'sides, didn't your
precious youma go missing?"

  "We'll make a new one!" DarkVerse energy arced over the enraged
General, shooting out in little lightning bolts that left nasty scorch
marks on the throne. "I will not be defeated this time! Not this time!"
The eerie green light in his eyes subsided for a moment, as he fought to
regain his temper. [What's going on with me?] He thought. [I never lower
myself to maniacal laughter.] He pointed at the floor in front of him.
"Mohjojiujoovuuduwhodew, appear before me!"

  In a burst of fortune cookies, the bishounen astrologer appeared, wearing
a robe covered with mystical insignias and clutching an Ouji board. He had
a thick sheaf of astrology charts tucked under one arm. "My Queen, I.." He
gazed at the person before him. "Maeda? What are you doing?! If the Queen
comes in and sees you..."

  Esjie stood up as Dark Fury (tm) sizzled around him. "That's KING
Esjie!" He punctuated this by sending a bolt of the Dark Fury (tm) at
Vuudu, who had to leap aside to avoid becoming DarkVerse Casualty
#347862 (this month). "KING Esjie! And don't you forget it!"

  "Aaany second now," Ayesse said to himself, as he watched Vuudu's
surprised expression. "4.. 3.. 2.."

  "WHAT?!?" Vuudu exclaimed, astonished. "Why wasn't I invited?"

  Esjie fought the urge to fall over and make funny hand gestures. Ayesse
just chuckled.

  "You IDIOT!!!" Esjie roared. For a moment, his head looked remarkably
like an erupting volcano. "Can't you recognize a simple usurpation?"

  Vuudu pulled out three tarot cards and gazed at them for a moment. "So
you're trying to take the throne while the Queen's away. Tut, tut. I knew
it was a bad idea to raise a human to.."

  "SILENCE!!!" Esjie threw another bolt at Vuudu. This one missed totally
and incinerated a troop of youma soldiers instead. "Never, EVER, call me
that again!"

  "Cut to the chase, Esjie," Vuudu said with a bored voice. "Why did you
summon me?"

  "Very simple, my dear Mohjojiujoovuuduwhodew..." Esjie said, smiling
ferally. "...I want you to join me... or DIE!"

  "Really? And what about the other generals?" Vuudu said, in a calm voice
that belied his inner feelings. "What did they say?"

  Esjie snorted derisively. "That is of no concern. I summoned YOU,
Mohjojiujoovuuduwhodew, and I want to hear YOUR position." [Besides,
summoning them all at once would be terminally stupid.] Esjie thought,
grinning over how well planned his tactics were, [I wouldn't want them to
get a chance to team up on me...] Out loud, he said, "So what's your
answer, astrologer?"

  "Hmm... it's..." Vuudu looked up thoughtfully. "...no."

  Esjie boggled. "What?"

  "I think I'll stick to the Queen, if it's all the same to you." Vuudu
replied, grinning, and threw a small object at Esjie, who caught it
expertly. "Or even if it isn't." With that, he vanished in a burst of
tea leaves.

  "That brother means trouble, I know it." Ayesse said.

  Esjie silently opened the cookie and unfurled the paper inside. It read
"The unicorn steps through the chrysanthemum garden. Beware of that which
lurks in shadows. You are going down. Have a nice day" in meticulous
handwriting. "How quaint." Esjie crushed the remains of the cookie,
spraying crumbs all over himself, then immediately dusted them off with a
blindingly-white hanky. Anger still raged inside him, but he fought it
down. [Calm,] he thought, [I must stay calm. I wasn't like this a year
before, when the Barney initiative was still active. I must be calm.]
Slowly the anger drained away, and was replaced by not happiness, since it
wouldn't be in character, but smug cunning. "Well, it's insignificant.
Youma special squad, appear before me!" The air rippled, as five strangely
shaped youma appeared in a burst of REALLY bad special effects.

  "Youma special squad ready and able!!!" one of the youma bellowed, in a
voice that would've made a drill Sergeant proud (and deaf). It had huge
claws and what appeared to be high military grades tattooed on its chest.

  Esjie looked at the squad, and smiled almost benevolently at them.
These were his special squad, specially developed to be able to defeat
Sailors as well as ordinary humans (which wasn't really that hard a task,
but he took pride in that anyway.) "Do you know your orders, soldiers?"

  "To find and retrieve the Rainbow crystals, SAH!" another of the youma
shouted. Up above, a window broke.

  Esjie blinked several times. Rainbow crystals? They weren't searching
for any crystals, were they? He had to drop by the library when he had
some time over. "Wrong orders, soldier."

  "Uh..." the Youma bigsweated. "we're supposed to corrupt special key
locations in the city, to..."

  Esjie tinysweated. "Must it be so hard to find good help today?"

  "Hey, I think the Queen used to say that a lot..." Ayesse laughed.

  Esjie stood up and grabbed the youma, pulling him into close
eye distance. "You are to find and acquire the one called Aki Villyn, also
known as Sailor Joy, so we can gain an upper hand in case the Queen comes
back!"

  Esjie and the youma looked sideways at the reader. "Did everyone get
that?" Esjie said.

  "If not, we'll repeat it later." the youma soldier filled in. Esjie 
released it, and it saluted. "Orders received, SAH! Youma special squad,
forward march!" With that, the five youma formed a line and marched out
of the room; Pity they didn't use the door. Esjie just groaned.

* * * * * * * * *

  Vuudu appeared in the middle of Malaise's quarters, spraying tarot cards
everywhere. Malaise, who was watching the mind-numbing concept of
DarkVerse day-TV, just fell out of the chair.

  "Guh?!" the androgynous General intelligently stated.

  "General Malaise! I need your help!"

  He failed to notice the decidedly.. odd way Malaise stared at him.
"Vuudu? What's going on? What are you doing here?"

  "Have you heard anything from the Queen, General Malaise? Here, pick a
card." He held out a deck of cards, spreading them into a fan.

  She/He picked one at random. "No, nothing.. Esjie called me and made some
stupid rant about him being in control and that he wanted me to join him
and all that jazz. He was holding some weird glowing bowling-ball, too.
Queen of clubs."

  "Just as I had predicted," the mystic stated in an all-knowing tone,
retrieving the card and putting it back in the deck. "He's taken the
throne and won't give it up without a fight. A dire fate indeed awaits the
Queen upon her return."

  "WHAT?!?" Malaise suddenly jumped out of the chair and up at Vuudu. The
surprised bishounen stumbled backwards and almost tripped over a table laden
with anime tapes. "That little... I knew he was bad business the first time
I saw him, but Charity was SOO impressed with that plan of his..."

  "So, will you help me?" Vuudu asked enthusiastically, sporting a
rebellious smile (I can't describe what it looks like! Use your
imagination!).

  Malaise blinked, as she/he realized the extent of what this would mean.
"Uh..." [If Esjie finds out... after all, Charity only sent people to the
torturer, or into that "Eternal sleep" crystal thingie... Esjie frightens
me! But on the other hand...]

  "Please!" The bishounen mystic grabbed Malaise's hand. "You're the only
one I can turn to!"

  Malaise stared wide-eyed. "O..okay! We'll probably die, but.." He/she
blushed red. "And I've never been able to resist a gorgeous man..." He/she
stared in astonishment at the astrologer's reaction. "Ano.. how do you
make your hair stand like that?"

  "Uh.. I have to go now! I'll contact you later!" With that, he vanished,
spraying inaccurate horoscopes all over the place.

  "Damn!" Malaise swore. "They always do that!" He/she paused for a
moment. "I think I want some ramen. Yes, that'd be nice."

* * * * * * * * *

  Meanwhile, in a small restaurant, a cloaked figure gazed into his lunch.
"Excellent, just excellent... it's all going according to schedule!
BWAHAHA! BWA-HAHAHA! BWA-H--" *CLANG!*

  "If customer not stop maniacal laughter, customer leave!" the waitress
said, lowering her large, unwaitresslike weapon. "Is scaring other
customers!"

* * * * * * * * *

  Meanwhile, in a tropic archipelago, far, far away from Tokyo, a ship
was sinking. This is not uncommon, as sea-faring vessels are wont to do
this every now and then. Well, perhaps not that often (In fact, one might
say they only sink once), but that is beside the point. The point is that
few shipwrecks in the tropics involve icebergs. 

  On the listing ship, a huge crowd of passengers and crew were standing
around, gawking in astonishment at the huge lump of below-zero water.

  "I'm surprised, I really am," the captain stated, sucking at his pipe.
"Throughout all the years I've been traversing these parts, I've never
seen an iceberg."

  "That's really fascinating, captain," Villyn said, standing beside the
captain and holding Queen Charity's hand, "but shouldn't you lower the
life-boats soon? After all, we ARE sinking rapidly." In his other hand, he
was holding his "Emergency luggage", a briefcase containing everything
important he had brought along. (Encountering, and having his plans
thwarted innumerable times by the Do-Gooders had taught Nemesis
Serendipity Villyn the importance of preparation; it had reached the point
to where he now prepared plans B and C even before plan A.)

  A short man in tweed suit and a bowler hat stormed up to the captain.
"Captain, this is highly irregular! The travel brochure said NOTHING about
any icebergs!" He made a sweeping gesture at the floating ice mountain,
which was firmly embedded in the side of the ship's side. "If I wanted to
see icebergs," the man continued, "I would have taken the cruise to
Greenland!" The conversation soon deteriorated into a discussion about
icebergs, no mentioning of life-boats.

  "I somehow doubt we'll get any help from those, Villyn-san." Charity
stated, pulling her companion away from the heated discussion towards one
of the small but sturdy boats hanging on the sides of the ships.

  Villyn nodded. "I couldn't agree more, Miss Vengeance. Perhaps it's time
we take matters into our own hands." He regarded the machinery that the
boat was attached to, failing to notice the button marked 'Press this
button to lower the life-boat'. "This is probably the one." he said, and
pulled a large red lever with strange markings on. On cue, the life-boat
was released from the contraption and fell down... striking the side of
the iceberg and splintering into a thousand pieces.

  "Well, there's always more of them." Villyn said, tinysweating.

* * * * * * * * *

  "Tadaima!" Tejina called out, as she stepped through the front door of
the Nakao household. Instead of the normal silence that usually greeted
her (unless Eiji was home early from his school, in which case silence
was the last thing to be expected), a faint discussion was heard,
originating from the library. She decided to check it out.

  "...so if you just sign here, here, and here, it'll be fine." Tejina's
mother said to Hanaki. The purple-haired girl was sitting at the desk,
looking at what appeared, for all purposes, to be a contract.

  "Hi, Hanaki." She greeted, startling the two. "Whatcha up to?" She walked
over to the desk.

  Hanaki looked up and flashed her sister an ear-to-ear grin. "Mrs. Nakao
has decided to let me stay here, as part of your family! All I had to do
was to sign these papers, so I wouldn't get into trouble with the
authorities, or something."

  "Really?" Tejina asked, a cold grin plastering itself over her face.
"You wouldn't mind if I took a look at it first, would you?" Without
waiting for a reply, she snatched the papers from Hanaki's grasp.

  "Um, Tejina..." Mrs. Nakao began, a slightly embarrassed look creeping
over her face.

  "Interesting, very interesting," Tejina mused, scrutinizing the papers
intently. "Looks very legal. Oh, yes. And look, a subclause that says
Hanaki's going to clean the house every weekend."

  "..." was all Hanaki could say.

  "You've really outdone yourself this time, mom!" Tejina continued, still
grinning frostily. "Fine print on the backside of the papers! But I really
don't think Hanaki wants to do the laundry until she's 25, either. OR do
the cooking." Tejina handed the contract back to Hanaki, who was engrossed
in the act of imitating a dead fish, and turned on her mother, who looked
as though she wished that she were somewhere else. Tejina dropped her cool
facade. "Mom, you promised not to do these things anymore!"

  "Tejina, you shouldn't talk back at your mother like that..." Mrs. Nakao
tried.

  "How interesting that you should mention that... Mrs. Nakao." Tejina
said, resuming the cold face and adding some ice to her voice.

  Her mother looked stricken. "Tejina..."

  Tejina just crossed her arms and looked away, the very picture of
indignant youth.

  Mrs. Nakao sighed in exasperation. "All right, dear. I'm sorry. I
couldn't resist." She looked at Hanaki. "And you can stay here as long as
you like, Hanaki-chan..."

  "Arigato, Nakao-san!" Hanaki beamed.

  Tejina smiled sincerely. "Thanks, mom."

  "..as long as you help out around the house, and keep your room clean.."

  "No problem!"

  "..and doesn't invite boys all the time.."

  Hanaki blushed deep red. Tejina glared at her mother. "MOM!"

  "..and you sign up for school."

  Hanaki blinked. "But I don't go to school. I don't have to!"

  "Really?" Mrs. Nakao said, her lips quirking into an amused smile. "Then
what is the capital of India?"

  Hanaki blinked again. "Uh.. what? Ganges?"

  "If 5x^2 + 23 equals 3.5x, then what is x?"

  "Eh, seven?"

  "Describe the Heian period."

  "Uh..."

  Mrs. Nakao smiled widely. "Looks like you need school after all. I'll
just go and arrange it, shall I?" With that, she walked out of the room.

  Hanaki stared after her, then looked at Tejina, who looked decidedly
unsurprised. "You know, Tejina.. I just realized how you people can be so
rich."

* * * * * * * * *

  Meanwhile, in downtown Tokyo, a VERY angry woman was trudging
along the street, muttering to herself.

  "Run away from me, will she? When I find that brat, she'll have a few
questions to answer..."

* * * * * * * * *

  In the sewer-based sanctum of the Cult of Cthulhu Local #39924-91,
plotting was the order of the day. Of course, plotting had been the
Cthuluists' order of the day ever since Cthulhu made his first appearance,
but today plotting for a very specific purpose.

  "..sO YoU wILl SneAk In tHrOugH tHe mAIntEnANcE TunNEl HerE." Brother
Maynard pointed with a huge claw at a position on the large blueprint. 
"tHEn yOU WilL BreAK ThrOuGh A FaKE WAll hEre, IntO a SeCrEt TUnnEl OuR
aMerIcAN BreTHrEN MAdE, LeaDiNg iNTo ThE baSEmENt. FroM ThEre, yoU WilL
bE AblE To fInD ANd AbdUcT JodI fOstER. aNY QueStIOnS?"

  Brother Taro and Brother Knoll, both standing on the other side of the
table, shook their heads.

  "dO You unDErStANd tHe pLAn?"

  "Yes." Taro and Knoll answered in synchrony.

  "Do yOU HavE yOuR PasSpORtS?"

  The two cultists held up the necessary papers.

  Maynard nodded. "aND Do yOu HavE yOuR EmeRgEnCY HelLO CthULhU DOLls?"

  The two cultists nodded, and gingerly produced the two disgustingly cute
items.

  "rEMemBEr," Maynard hissed, "TheSE ArE onLY FOr EmeRgEncIES! UsE TheM
oNLy aS A LaSt reSOrT!"

  The cultists nodded. Inwardly, they gagged. What did he think they'd use
the horrible things for, anyway? To pick up women?

  "AnD FInaLlY... Do yOU HavE YOur BOaRdINg PaSseS?"

  Knoll and Taro smiled and held up the aforementioned item. Maynard's red
eyes locked onto one of the passes.

  "wHAt'S thIS?!" Chthonic energy flared around and between his hands,
illuminating the blueprint in odd ways. "FirSt ClAsS? i ThoUGhT I orDEreD
YoU tO geT EcoNOmY cLaSS! dO yOU ThiNk THat tHE GreAT CthULhU haVE
UnlIMiTEd FUnd ResERvES?"

  "W-we're sorry, Maynard," Knoll squeaked. His hair stood on end, partly
because of fear, and partly because the chthonic energy charged the air
with static electricity.

  Brother Maynard lowered his hands, letting the energy drain away. "veRY
WeLl. i suPpOSE ThaT YOu CouLD bE ALloWEd SOme LuXUry, GiVEn THe
ImpORtAncE Of yoUR MisSiON." The two cultists grinned widely. "BuT YoU'lL
HavE tO CleAN ouT HiS emINeNcE's TanK wHeN YoU RetUrN." The grins vanished.
"yoU mAY Go Now."

  His eminence stirred in his tank. "smartly done, maynard. an excellent
plan, i have to say." 

  "ThaNK yOU, YoUr EmInENce." Maynard beamed. His eyes shone brighter, and
he rose a few extra inches.

  "Great Cthulhu is proud of you. you are turning out to be a very good
spirit, maynard."

  "i'M HonOrEd. AnD--"

  "you will, however, not be allowed to go out and wage war against
shub-niggurath tonight, maynard."

  "HmPf." Maynard snarled, and stomped off to his hole. "OLd fOGeY."

  "youth today..." His Eminence mumbled, and slowly sank to the bottom of
the tank.

* * * * * * * * *

  Meanwhile, in the Villyn household...

  "Ah-hahahaahaha!"

  "..no."

  "Oh-hohohohoho?"

  "No, it's just not the same." Aki put down her tea cup. "It's really nice
of you to come over to laugh at me, Keiko, but.. it's just not the same as
Dad."

  Keiko nodded mutely and sipped her tea.

  "I mean," Aki continued, "he's only been gone for a couple of days, but
it feels like weeks!" She sighed. "I would never have thought there might
come a day when I missed dad of all people. OR his laugh."

  The Quake Camper appeared over Keiko's left shoulder. "More tea,
honorable guest of the holy Aki-sama?"

  "Thank you, I'd love another cup." She held out said cup to be refilled.
"Say, isn't that huge pack uncomfortable to carry around all the time?"

  "I'm used to it, guest of Aki-sama," the Quake Camper responded, pouring
the tea. "Besides, you never know when the next earthquake will happen." He
then bowed reverentially to Aki and scurried out into the kitchen.

  "Nice minions you have. So how do you make them call you 'Aki-sama'?"
Keiko said, grinning widely.

  Aki clutched her head. "Please. Don't get me started. If there's anything
they're good at, it's causing trouble."

  A hairy arm shot out of the third chair and picked a cookie of the tea
tray. "Zathras agrees! They're getting in the way always when Zathras tries
to do things!"

  Aki glared at the.. thing that went under the name of Zathras. "Well,
they're not worshipping you and think that they should do everything for
you all the time!"

  "Still a nuisance they are." Zathras grumbled. "Worse a nuisance than
that good-for-nothing lad Eidon that Master Chiang had for apprentice..."

  Any further pearls of knowledge from the Crystal City of Delight were
curtailed by a huge explosion blasting the living room into splinters.
Before Aki and her companions (who had, fortunately been sitting in the
other half of the room, and thus avoided an adhesive ultimate) stood a huge
youma with a wedge on his chest, armed to the teeth. More specifically,
armed WITH huge teeth. And claws. And other sharp things strategically
placed over its body. Behind it stood four youma whose appearance could
only be described as Darwin's Economy Predator Package.

  "Youma!" Keiko exclaimed, and reached for her cleaver.. which she
realized she had left at home. "Damn!"

  The youma in front pointed at the girls. "Apprehend Aki Villyn! Try not
to harm her if possible!"

  "What? Should we only harm her if we can't, Sarge?" one of the youma
asked in a squeaky voice.

  Charles the annoying canary flew in and hovered in front of Aki. "You
must transform, Aki! It's your only chance!"

  Aki glared at the bird. "Don't you EVER give up?" Charles ignored her and
flapped his wings in a mesmerizing way; a brooch materialized in mid-air.
Aki automatically reached out to catch it, and stared at it in disbelief.
It looked too much like a large smiley-pin for her comfort.

  Aki dropped the brooch on the tea tray and glared at Charles. "No way."

  The youma sergeant replied by elbowing the youma soldier in the gut.
"Just grab the girl! She's harmless and shouldn't pose any threat!"

  "But there's two girls, Sarge! What if we grab the wrong one?" another
youma asked, this one with a whine to its voice.

  "Just grab them!" the Sergeant shouted, sounding exasperated. "What could
be so difficult with--"

  "Foul spawn from beyond time and space!" the Blank Psychic bellowed. 

  The minions had shown up.

  "How dare you disturb the peace of the sacred house of Villyn!" the
white-garbed man exclaimed. "We will send you back to the hell from whence
you came!"

  "HEY!" Keiko said, frowning.

  "Quake Camper! Unnamed minion! Defend Aki-sama and her guest!" the Blank
commanded. "We will take care of this foul threat!"

  The youma sergeant cracked his knuckles. "Oh yeah... seems like there's
gonna be some action after all."

  The Quake Camper and the fuzzily-defined unnamed minion bustled the girls
and the hairy man-thing towards the door, all while keeping their eyes on
anything that looked threatening. The other three formed a line and
prepared for battle.

  Strangely man-shaped shadows appeared around the Bluefaced Black Shadow,
flowing towards the youma in a menacing way.

  Reality twisted around Thrakkorzog? Thurston Dunne? Tharz -- whatever his
name was, looking rather like steam rising off a desert road, seen though a
drug haze. Furniture and loose debris seemed to twist into shapes rarely
seen outside Dali pictures.

  The Blank Psychic just strode towards the youma troop, arms at his sides
and a horrible laughter emanating from his face-mask.

* * * * * * * * *

  Meanwhile, in an alley somewhere in Tokyo's business district, a huge
number of bio-rhythm charts burst into existence, followed by Vuudu. The
bishounen astrologer had now changed his ceremonial robes for the grey
uniform of a youma General; hopefully, it would make him blend in better
with the people of Earth. He was also holding his favorite Ouji board. He
looked around.

  "Good, it appears that no one saw me. Now, to find the child of the
Queen's paramour..." He placed one hand on the marker. It moved beneath his
fingers. "That way, hmm?"

  Vuudu walked off towards the west.

* * * * * * * * *

  The battle between the youma and the minions were going full tilt. It
seemed that the minions were gaining the upper hand, which just goes to
show the quality of youma military training.

  "MUA-HAHAHAHA!" the Blank Psychic laughed. "You're pathetic! Even those
Do-Goodies were better than this! Why don't you get a piano while you still
can?" He was a bit dizzy, since one of the youma had punched him in the
head; it now lay unconscious at his feet, having fallen victim to his
mind-blanking powers. He kicked it.

  The Bluefaced Black Shadow was sweating gallons as he strained to
manipulate the three shadows he had projected. They were crowding around
two of the youma, who were trying to defend themselves against the
onslaught of the shadow-men. Suddenly, the right arm of one shadow
transformed into a blade. It neatly disemboweled one of the youma.

  The youma sergeant and Thrakkorzog? Thurston Dunne? Tharz -- the
reality-warping boy, were shouting at each other, holding a rather
tasteless red leather sofa between each other to act as barrier. Nearby, a
man-sized stone block with kanji carved on the side bore testament to the
boy's power, a pair of scaly youma feet protruding from under it.

  "Give up now and we'll let you live! You can't win!" the sergeant
bellowed.

  The reality-warper thumbed his nose at the scaly monstrosity. "You're
a bunch of wussies! And you're even stupider than Blank is sometimes!
Besides, you threatened our divine Aki-sama! We're not gonna let you get
away!"

  Meanwhile, Keiko and Aki were standing in the doorway, watching the
fight, the Quake Camper keeping guard in front of them and the Unnamed
minion lurking somewhere behind. Zathras had become bored of the fight and
was napping on a chair.

  "You know," Aki said, "Dad's minions are a lot more impressive in a fight
than Tejina said they were."

  "Maybe they've been training?" Keiko suggested, admiring how one of the
shadow-men wielded its... eh, sword, finishing off their second youma.
"They're no match for Matsuro-kun, though."

  Aki grinned. "No, I suppose they're not. You really have the hots for
him, don't you?"

  Keiko blushed red, caught rather off guard by that statement. "Uh, eh,
well, um..." She paused to gather her wits. "Yes, I suppose so. How did
you know?"

  Aki giggled. "It's a knack." [Not to mention it's rather obvious,] she
added to herself. [I can't figure out why the others haven't noticed,
though.] "So what's your next move after getting him to kiss you?"

  Keiko blushed an even deeper red, as certain thoughts drifted through her
mind. Certain PRIVATE thoughts. [Oh gods, please give me some kind of
distraction...] Then a wicked idea formed in her head. Out loud, she said
"You know, that Thrakkorzog? Thurston Dunne? Tharz -- whatever... he's
kinda cute..."

  Aki blinked, surprised at the sudden change of topic. Keiko wasn't going
to get obsessed over one of dad's flunkies now, was she?

  "And he does live at your house..." Keiko continued, grinning ferally.
"Isn't that really CONVENIENT?"

  Aki blinked again, as realization sank in. "No WAY!! The guy's a total
nut! He believes I'm some goddess and calls me Aki-sama all the time!"

  "I wish Matsuro-kun would do that..."

  Any further discussion on the embarrassing topic was postponed to later,
as the youma sergeant let out a battle cry and leapt over the sofa towards
Thrakkorzog? Thurston Dunne? Tharz -- whatever his name was. The minion
just grinned and clutched the furniture in front of him...

  Suddenly, the sofa sprouted several vines, shooting out of the seats and
the back, snaring the youma and making it land unceremoniously in front of
the reality-warping boy.

  The youma squirmed and gnawed at its bonds, but the vines were harder
than steel and less willing to budge than Macek's lawyers. "Release me at
once! You can't defeat me! I'M INVINCIBLE!!!"

  The boy just grinned and replied with a mischievous "Really?" before
bringing down the heavy chair he was holding on the youma's head. Lights
out.

* * * * * * * * *

  Villyn adjusted the last vine and stood back to behold his handiwork. A
small hut, made entirely from branches, vines and palm fronds, stood before
him. Sure, it sagged a bit, and it looked like something left behind from
a cheap Robinson Crusoe remake, and it looked like it wouldn't withstand
even a brief shower of rain, but it was made by him, and he was darned
proud of it.

  His world suddenly vanished, as two delicate hands crept around his neck
and covered his eyes. "Guess who?" a familiar voice said.

  "I don't suppose that's you, Miss Vengeance?" Villyn replied, a big grin
spreading across his face. He carefully removed her hands, turned around,
and kissed her right hand.

  Charity Darkness Vengeance blushed. [Oh, he's so wonderful and polite!]
If Charity's Generals had seen her now, they wouldn't have recognized her.
She was wearing a black sundress with a pattern of black roses (Or black
orchids. Or some other kind of black flowers; it was rather hard to make
out.), and had a red flower in her dark hair, lending some color to her
appearance. She had also developed a light (VERY light) tan. She still
avoided direct sunlight for any longer periods, though.

  She looked at the shelter with the admiration only people in love can
muster. "Oh, how nice! You're so skilled, Villyn-san!" She draped her arms
around his neck.

  "Why, thank you.. Charity-chan." He pulled her close, leaning forward.
Charity's eyes lit up and she blushed bright red. Inside, fireworks went
off. Suddenly, he stepped back and looked into her face. "It doesn't bother
you that we're stuck on this island, does it?" A hint of concern entered his
voice. "You seemed to look so much forward to this cruise..."

  Charity put up her most reassuring smile. "Of course not! The cruise
wasn't that important.. all I wanted was to enjoy jour company..."

  "Well, that's good..." Villyn replied, trying hard to avoid getting a
goofy grin on his face. He leaned in close again. "Then maybe we could.."

  With a resounding *THUNK!*, a short spear embedded itself in the side of
the shelter. The couple froze and turned their heads towards the direction
the projectile came from.

  The queen groaned. "It seems that we have visitors."

* * * * * * * * *

  Matsuro dreamed.

  He looked around at the empty wastelands around him. Nothing but red sand
surrounded him from horizon to horizon. In the sky hung a suspiciously
normal sun. In fact, he was surprised that there wasn't anything more..
well, apocalyptic about this dream. Maybe this was a sign that his period
of hallucinations was ending, he thought. [Yes, if that was the case,
then--]

  Something moving caught his eye. As he turned around, he saw a glass globe
a few feet away, falling towards the ground seemingly in slow motion. A
strange pattern covered the globe, a pattern that looked almost like
continents. It shattered against the ground, the sound echoing across the
silent wastelands.

  On cue, the big performance started. Blood started raining. Strange
gnarled trees erupted from the ground, their trunks twisted into faces
bearing agonized expressions. Multi-colored dragons flew across the sky and
clawed each other to death. Suddenly, the brown-haired dream-girl, wearing
a simple white dress, appeared out of nowhere and clung to him.

  "Help me Bishounen Guy, you're my only hope!" she pleaded.

  [Who is this girl?] Matsuro thought, reflexively putting his arms around
her. [She looks kinda like Aki, but at the same time, not at all like Aki,
but--]

  *THUMP!* Something heavy hit him upon his head. Turning around, still
with the dream-girl latched onto him with a tenacity that could rival crazy
glue, he saw... Keiko, wearing her not-so-proper black leather outfit, and
holding her cleaver.

  "Matsuro-kun, how could you choose HER?" Without warning, she jumped at
him and attached herself on him, directly opposite the other girl.

  Matsuro looked almost surprised. "Keiko-san? What're you doing here?"

  The two girls started shouting at him. "Bishounen guy my love, you must
follow your destiny!"

  "Don't listen to her, Matsuro-kun! You can make your own destiny!"

  "It's your duty to your ancestors!"

  "Your ancestors are all dead! You're alive!"

  "Beyond your struggling, bishounen guy, there will be the reward, the
greatest of all rewards!"

  "But what point is there in any reward if you have to sacrifice
everything to reach it?"

  Just as Matsuro got over the confusion and started to enjoy the group
hugging, they let go of him and stood back. Black flames appeared around
the dream-girl, while Keiko was immersed in white fire.

  "Choose your path." Keiko said.

  "Choose your destiny." the dream-girl continued.

  As they finished, the fires flared and engulfed the two girls. Around
Matsuro, everything faded into darkness.

  "My son..."

  A familiar shape formed in front of him; his mother, attached to two
crossed I-beams, tied up with razorwire.

  Matsuro almost sighed in relief at the sight. "Hi, mom. Going to tell me
to go to Tokyo?"

  The woman was silent.

  He blinked in confusion. "Find the Sword of Duality?" he suggested.

  Silence.

  "Join the band?"

  Silence.

  A sweatdrop appeared behind his head. "Mom, you're frightening me... and
that's not easy. What's going on here?"

  His mother raised her head and spoke in an odd voice. It seemed to have
more echo to it than a normal voice should, as if she spoke through a long
tunnel. "The dragons will awaken, and soon the battle will commence. The
stakes are infinite, and the fates of the innocent are legion. The time
will come, when you must... choose your path."

  A wooden board fell across his face and woke him up.

  "Sorry there, kid." Balin said, picking up the board. "I tripped. Had a
nice nap?"

  Matsuro looked around. He was lying on his bed, still wearing his school
uniform, since he had somehow fallen asleep directly after getting home
from school. His bedroom looked fairly normal and un-apocalyptic, and as
he gazed out through the huge hole in the wall, he saw a fairly blue and
dragon-free sky.

  He blinked and replayed that last line through his head. Huge hole.

  "What're you guys up to now?" he asked.

  Dalin walked into the room and dropped a load of assorted tools. "Well,
this place is rather shoddy."

  Balin nodded his head. "Too little light, bad air... you know how it is."

  "So we decided to fix it up, since we don't have very much else to do
until you're finished with the sword." Dalin continued. "And since you were
sleeping, we didn't want to disturb you..."

  Matsuro glanced at his watch. 15:20. He had gotten home around 14:50,
so... he'd been asleep for 30 minutes? And they had made quite a progress,
knocking out almost the entire wall and started on the rebuild. He
estimated that they'd be finished... he shook his head. Their last class
had been math, and it seemed it had gotten stuck rather firmly in his mind.
"Whatever. I just wonder what the landlord will say when he finds out..."

  Dalin blinked, as a worried expression crept over his face. "Uh... we'll
just have to finish quickly." The two dwarfs returned to their work. 

  Matsuro walked off to the kitchen to get something to drink. As he opened
the refrigerator, the decapitated countenance of his mother greeted him.

  "Hello, Matsuro! Had a pleasant nap?" The head cheerfully asked.

  "Uh, yeah," he replied, a bit puzzled over her good mood. "What did you
mean with that stuff about choosing a path?"

  The head blinked. "Nani?"

  "You know, that stuff you said about dragons and infinite stakes and
paths?" he replied as he took out the milk.

  His mother gave him a puzzled look. "I'm not sure what you're talking
about, but I'll look into it." She grinned. "So when are you going to get
married, Matsuro?"

  He closed the refrigerator door.

  As he sat down at the table, a strange pinkish mist floated in through the
kitchen door and formed itself into the shape of his aunt, albeit dressed
like a geisha. "Hello, Matsuro! How was your day?"

  "Fine, I guess." He grunted. "When are you leaving?"

  The woman hmpf'ed, turned two-dimensional and pasted herself on the wall.
"As soon as my son dumps that redheaded bimbo he calls girlfriend. She's
no good for him, I've told him a thousand times, but does he listen? Nooo.."

  Matsuro sighed and silently said farewell to peaceful afternoons.

* * * * * * * * *

  "What a bargain! A total bargain!" Tejina exclaimed, stepping out of the
store, half a dozen bags hanging on her arms. "They could've just handed the
stuff over directly and avoid the humiliation!"

  Her fellow shopaholic followed, clutching even more shopping bags in her
arms. "Are you sure we can afford this, Tej?" Hanaki asked, looking worried.
"In America, it's much cheaper. 'course, mom never gave me that much
allowance, but still..." an ear-to-ear grin appeared on the purple-haired
girl's face, as she pointed at a clothes store down street. "Lets check out
that store over there!"

  "Okay, Hanaki..." Tejina began.

  "Tejj! I've told you, call me Han! Everyone does!" the bubbly girl
exclaimed loudly, frightening a few passers-by.

  "All right, Han. I just--" her words were cut off by a paper flying out of
 a nearby alley to plaster itself against her face. As she removed it, she
noticed that it had strange curves drawn on it. On the ground were several
more. "What's this?"

  "Strange things fly around Tokyo all the time, Tej." Hanaki commented.
"Does it have anything to do with shopping?"

  "No--"

  "Then leave it!" Hanaki grabbed her arm and pulled her into the store. An
ocean of clothes and dresses greeted them. Hanaki literally dived into it,
picking items off their hanger and squealing things like "This one's great,"
"I must have this one," "Wouldn't be caught dead wearing this," and so on.
She then darted into a changing booth, carrying enough clothes to dress an
entire African tribe.

  "I guess she really is your sister, after all." Becky stated, walking out
from behind a rack.

  Tejina blinked. "Becky! You came after all?" she greeted. "I thought you
were grounded?"

  Becky grinned a huge Becky-esque grin. "I snuck out. How could I turn down
a chance to go shopping?" She looked around. "You haven't seen my parents
here, have you? I don't think they noticed me leaving, but.." she grinned
again and twirled around, showing off her trenchcoat. "Well, at least I've
got a disguise."

  Tejina looked at the other customers in the store, not one of them wearing
trenchcoats, and decided not to comment.

  "Okay, how do I look?" Hanaki asked, coming out of the booth, wearing a
beautiful purple dress.

  "Nice," Tejina said, idly wondering if it would seem forced if she bought
a blue one. "the color suits you."

  "Great!" Becky squealed.

  Hanaki beamed like a sun. "Oh, hi Beck! Why--" she suddenly stopped,
turning pale.

  "Shirokaze Hanaki! I certainly hope you have an excuse for all this!
Running away like that is not proper!"

  Very slowly, Tejina turned around towards the booming voice. The sight
of a somehow familiar green-haired woman in a business suit greeted her.

  The woman turned her head towards her, turning off the megawatt stare for
a moment. "Hello, Tejina-chan. Long time no see. So what crazy lies have
your sister been telling you?"

  Tejina's mouth worked itself up and down for a few moments. "M-mom?"

  "Let's go see your parents, Tejina." the woman said. "They will probably
be surprised to see me again."

* * * * * * * * *

  "Such nice people!" Villyn exclaimed into the night, rowing the boat.

  Charity smiled. "And who would've thought that you looked just like their
long gone god, Villyn-kun?" She clutched the golden statue protectively,
tentatively feeling the magic energy inside. Far behind them, angry shouting
and the splashing of oars could be heard.

  "A bit short, perhaps, but I suppose that's something that comes with
being a pygmy." Villyn mused. "With the right training, they'd make great
minions.. I'll have to remember this place." He looked at the statue. "And
you got a nice souvenir, too. But do we really have to leave this late?"

  "Uh, yes, I'm afraid so." she replied, sounding slightly nervous. I think
it's best for us if we didn't remain behind." [I hate to lie to him, but
this opportunity is too valuable to pass up..]

  Villyn nodded, sending a wave of relief through Charity. "If you say so."

* * * * * * * * *

  Back on the island, the village was in uproar. Pygmy natives were running
around in circles, clutching blowpipes and oversized spears, shouting
obscenities not fit for print, even in their own native language. In the
middle of the village lay a large shattered statue, several villagers
clustering around it and hitting it with rocks. The mustachioed head of the
statue seemed to have remained intact so far.

  Outside the largest hut stood the village chief, shaking in rage as he
talked with two of his closest warriors. "We invite the Lost God to our
tribe," he said (although it sounded, in his language, like "Noob xiang poo,
lang din daab"), "and he steals the Artifact of the Morning! We must stop
them!" He made a stabbing motion with his staff. "Men, move out!"

  The two soldiers ran off.

* * * * * * * * *

  Meanwhile, in the shub-basement of Shubby-chan's Happy Happy Fun Fun Club
local #39924-99, a woman seated in a business chair spoke in the odd tongue
of the Elder Gods. Except for the odd energy racing across her body, she
looked normal and rather average. Few would've suspected that this person
was a vessel of Shub-niggurath, the black goat with a thousand young.. or,
as her current cultists had been allowed to call her, Shubby-chan.

  "SO THAT BLOATED PIG THINKS HE CAN BETTER ME?!" the woman said. She
pointed at the cultist standing before her, a rather average man wearing
ceremonial robes and a T-shirt with "I'm a Fun Guy From Yuggoth" written
on it. "WATARU! BRING THE BOOK! IT SEEMS LIKE IT'S TIME WE SHOWED CTHULHU
WHO'S THE BOSS AROUND THIS PLACE!"

  The cultist grinned. "Of course, Great Shubby-chan."

* * * * * * * * *

  Meanwhile, in a small and rather shoddy apartment in downtown Tokyo, a
mysterious caped man gazed into a cup of tea, looking at the swirling
pictures playing over the surface. "Soon, very soon. Almost all the
pieces are in place... the hour of revenge is soon at hand!" He tilted his
head back and let out an ear-shattering laughter. He then stirred the tea
and sipped from it, before once again peer into it. "Now, for the final
piece..." A shocked expression flew over his appearance. "What?! What's he
doing THERE?!? He's supposed to be in Tokyo!"

  He leaned backwards and sighed. "No matter. I will just have to guide
him in the right direction..." He stood up and reared back in a victorious
position. "He will not escape his destiny! I am the Lord of Absolute
Darkness! The Harbinger of Ill Fate! The Annoying Guy Next Door! I am
Baron Stagner von Carrlson of the Kingdom of Obscurity!"

  "Shut up! We already know how annoying you are!" a muffled voice said,
coming from the wall.

* * * * * * * * *

WHY IS ESJIE ACTING SO OUT OF CHARACTER? DOES IT INVOLVE THE CHRONOS STONE?
WHAT IS THE CHRONOS STONE, ANYWAY? WHAT IS VUUDU UP TO? WHAT IS MALAISE UP
TO? WILL JODI FOSTER BECOME A PRISONER OF THE CTHULHU CULT? WILL THE DWARFS
GET THROWN OUT? WILL WE FINALLY SEE SOME FIGHTING ACTION NOW THAT THE
MINIONS HAVE SHOWN THEIR TRUE POWERS? WILL I WIN THE AWARD FOR WEIRDEST
MATSURO DREAM? IS HANAKI'S STORY HOLDING UP, OR IS SHE REALLY A COMPULSIVE
LIAR?  WHAT'S SHUBBY-CHAN UP TO? WHAT IS THE SCHEDULE? AND WHO IS 'THE
MISSING PIECE'?

  I don't know, but Steven might! Give him a big cheer, everybody! (Huzzah!)



  C&C appreciated! Please! Drop a line to tell me exactly what you thought
of this episode... okay? ^_^