Itami and H barged in to find Aika and oh, wait, wrong story. Sorry. *** Ayame snapped awake, which was pretty impressive because that implies that she was able to sleep through the band's rehearsal. Of course, the pair of earmuffs helped. As did the cotton balls. And the three pillows. And-- Well, you get the idea. Anyway, she snapped awake, threw off everything covering her head, and darted to the basement where the group was practicing. Something was wrong. *** "There's... something weird..." said Becky. "Amazing magic..." whispered Keiko. "Huh? I don't feel anything," said Kireiko. "That's probably because you're not a magical girl," rang a voice from the staircase. Ayame made her presence known to the band. "Whatever is wrongOH, my God..." Ayame started staring off into space, right where Tejina was mere seconds before. And although it wasn't mentioned before, so was Hanaki. Hey, things slip my mind sometimes! Give me credit! Even Sailor Rapture and Keiko were puzzled as to what the two triplets were staring at, but they were guessing that it was the source of the magic they were sensing. It's not entirely unknown that families have an even closer bond than most magical girl groups do. Being a magical girl enhances that bond between family members, especially between all those affected. This leads to very interesting side effects. That's why Hanaki and Tejina were watching in horror as they saw Tejina nearing her execution. *** Do-Gooders The Proactive Teen Superhero Team With No X Anywhere in the Title A Fan Art HQ/Spoof Chase Improfanfic http://pixelscapes.com/improfanfic Episode 30: Surprises! And really bad observations, too! By Lawrence Chu Original Concept by Stefan Gagne, 1998. *** Master Chiang Fei-Hong (using the time-honored Asian tradition of last name first) was ages old. Much older than you could probably imagine. This made him much more experienced than anyone else on the Earth who had not been resurrected time after time. He was...used to be... proficient in any weapon you could throw at him (which he typically caught and used against you). Sure, he was a bit rusty, but he knew that with a few days' worth of training, he'd be back to full speed. It's a common trait among old, wise men. "Hey, keep doing those dishes, pops!" It would become handy when he got his revenge on Baron Carrlson von Stagner...Stagner von Carrlson...dammit, he was getting senile before his time! Which way was it? Ah, yes. It would become handy when he got his revenge on Baron Stagner von Carrlson for leaving him with a paycheck for all the assorted soups and coffees and teacups and other various liquids that he ordered given that the price tag on it went into the millions-of-yen range which he didn't have the cash to pay for it with and which would make him spend over three weeks in the restaurant washing dishes--DISHES, for Amore's sake--in this godforsaken place where although he was really proficient if a bit rusty in doing dishes he really despised it because they were a throwback to his days in the Crystal Kingdom of Delight where he was put on KP as a punishment to be eked out upon him for things he didn't do, not to mention the fact that the young upstart wannabe evil villain was planning on increasing his own power as opposed to using his position to assist the universe towards the Greater Good of all things living in the dimention, which ought to be the intended purpose of anyone if they ever intend to harness as much power as that terror- that-flaps-in-the-night-or-barber-that-shaves-off-two-inches-too-much- off-your-hair. (217 words! I've outdone myself this time. Wait a minute, this is my debut, so I can't outdo myself. Damn.) His third stack of plates almost tilted over because a squirrel materialized out of a dimensional portal in an shower of special effects reels and crash landed into said stack. Chiang, being much older and wiser than we are, recognized the squirrel immediately. "Esu, goddammit! Be careful!" The squirrel, being much more disoriented and out of it than we are, failed to recognize the old man immediately. "Wha...who...eh? Is that you, Chiang? Why are your hands covered in soap?" "..." "Hey, pops! Stop talking to squirrels and keep doing them dishes!" The pygmy poked at him with a small spear. Esu looked down at the pygmy (which, although it was feasible given that he was on top of a tall stack of dishes on a kitchen counter and his lookdownee was a pygmy on the floor, wasn't very effective because he was a SQUIRREL, dammit) and spoke back. "Sir, if you don't mind, the person you are talking to has some business to attend to elsewhere regarding the fate of the world. We can pay you back later on--" The pygmy would probably have been shocked, but he had spent the last god-knows-how-long waiting on a table with a guy who kept on talking to his soup. And coffee. And tea. And milk. And--well, we'll just say that he was beginning to become used to the unusual. So instead of fainting dead away, he just screamed back, "what kind of business would that be? Are you one acorn short of a stash or something?" Esu muttered, "I don't have the time for this." He whispered a spell word and sent the pygmy flying out of the room, to land in a trash can outside. (Apparently, being the Queen's advisor has its benefits.) He then turned to Chiang and announced with all the formality of a squirrel talking to a millenia-old man, "Come, the Queen requests your presence." Another dimensional portal was opened (slightly more tactfully located this time) and the two of them jumped in. It closed in another burst of nuts. Actually, they were chestnut shells, and it made it hell for the pygmy guy when he came back, but that's irrelevant. *** Tejina found herself at the pointy side of a very long sword. A long silence ensued as the man stood there dramatically pointing it at her throat. "Does this mean that I'm going to die now?" she asked, inquisitively. The man (Yoshimichi, was it?) looked a bit dumbfounded at her and shrugged. "No, not immediately, I suppose. I don't think the prophecies...hold on a sec." He dropped the sword and pulled a palmtop out of...somewhere (it MIGHT have come from the trenchcoat, but it was hard to tell), and went to checking a few websites (and his e-mail, apparently). "Er...no. It just says that the Harbringer--" "Shouldn't that be 'Harbinger,' without the r?" "DON'T interrupt me, girl. It SAYS...that the Harb_r_inger that accompanies the Seal shall die. Nothing about dying immediately, or a grisly or gory death. I don't think." He looked at the palmtop again. "Nope, nothing grisly or gory." Matsuro grunted in an affirmative, bishounen manner, causing a number of fangirls to swoon. "Where's everyone else? What did you do with them?" he growled. "No, no," said Yoshimichi in a somewhat playful manner. "The question is, where are YOU? What did I do with YOU? And the answer to that, my friends, is..." Tejina and Matsuro both leaned forward. "...a secret." Tejina and Matsuro both facefaulted. "But what I can tell you is this...you will not remain here for long. A week or so shall suffice." Tej did a bit of mental calculating. "That...no, we can't stay that long." "Why not?" asked the dark trenchcoated guy. "The Tokyo Tower Festival is five days from now, that's why! It's our big gig! It's the chance we have to break out into the music world! It's--" "--fulfilling a prophecy," Matsuro finished. "I know, Mom." "I didn't say anything," Matsuro's mother said before her head exploded and her flesh turned into spiders, which scooted off. Both Yoshimichi and Tejina stared at Matsuro for a second. The former took the time to ask the latter, "Is he always like this?" "Yes." "I don't know if I want him on our side." Matsuro's mother somehow whapped Yoshimichi on the back of his head before the houndeyes blew her up. Three times in a row. *** At about the same time, both Ayame and Hanaki sighed a breath of relief, although there was still an air of nervousness present. It tends to happen when two people who should've been there weren't. They then turned back to the rest of the group. BA-3 inquired as to the nature of their collective actions, as well as what possible measures may be taken to resolve this. In response, both Hanaki and Ayame opened their mouths at the same time-- "Stuff it, M--Sis," requested Hanaki before the fact. Ayame shut her mouth, saving everybody from a 218-plus word sentence that would have bored everybody to death. "Anyway," Hanaki continued, "we still don't know exactly where Tej and Matsuro are. We can see them, we just can't talk to them. They'll be back within a week, so don't worry." Kireiko's eyes bugged out (NOT literally--he was still a human) and groaned. "'Bummer.' The Tokyo Tower Festival's in three days. Where could we find another drummer and singer?" "I'll sing!" Becky waved her hand in the air. There was a dead pause in the air for about a minute. The two Shirokaze sisters stared at the two, incredulously. Whether it was the fact that they were worried about the Festival more than the missing members or Becky's claim that she could sing was a mystery. "But, but, I CAN!" Sailor Rapture whined. "Listen, I CAN sing! Hate is very very bad...We should love instead...Open your heart to the yummy light and GURK!" Sailor Rapture's attempt at singing was silenced by Kireiko, who somehow managed to take his hands of his ears long enough to destroy the source of noise. *** Maybe I should rephrase that. Kireiko clamped his hands over Becky's mouth, preventing any noise from getting out and saving everyone else's eardrums. There. Much better. *** Chiang could not believe what he was seeing. Sayaki and Rika reciprocated the look. Yuki-Amore, on the other hand, just calmly gazed at him, unwavering. There was a pause for about thirty seconds, with everybody (except for Yuki-Amore) attempting to digest the situation. Chiang, especially. He KNEW who Amore was in her current incarnation. This wasn't her. Amore was a mature green-haired woman who was watching over the Princesses. But, still, there was something in this woman that screamed out, "I AM QUEEN AMORE OF THE CRYSTAL KINGDOM OF DELIGHT." It was some sort of field emanation that only the Queen could have the power to project. Therefore, she MUST be the Queen. But she wasn't. But she MUST--AUGH! The Queen, understanding the importance of Dramatic Timing and Proper Exposition (since when did she acquire that power, anyway?), took this time to speak: "As you can see--" she gestured to herself-- "we have a slight predicament on our hands." Chiang nodded, and if you listened really carefully, you could hear the "Aiya" under his breath. *** "Very well. So we have the contract done for my client [Miss Foster] and she will be appearing in one monster movie funded by you [Cthulhu of the party known as the Cult of Cthulhu local #32294-91]. In exchange, upon completion of said movie, you will have Miss Foster's hand in marraige for a period of thirty (30) days, after which she will have the option of breaking it up without any sort of retribution caused either directly by you, or indirectly on your behalf. Is it a deal?" Brother Maynard analyzed all the words to the verbal contract. It was quite airtight, and it didn't seem too bad. "I bElIEvE It tO bE All rIght. whAt dO yOU thInk?" His Eminence took a moment to analyze the contract itself--not bad, but he was quite sure that his master would prefer a longer amount of time. "very well, but i'm sure He would prefer it to be a period of no less than sixty (60) days. i believe that thirty (30) days would be too short for The Great Cthulhu to see how the marraige would work out. also, the period begins as soon as He obtains a proper earthly avatar and performs the official rite of marraige. is that clear?" Ron took a moment to discuss this with his client [Miss Foster]. "Forty-five (45) days. And the period begins either upon your acquisition of an Earthly Avatar or two weeks after the film shoot, whichever comes to fruition first." Maynard and His Eminence looked at each other, then simultaneously said, "dEAl/deal." Ron gave them his award-winning smile (Tony Robbins, eat your heart out!) and shook Maynard's hand. He would've shaken His Eminence's hand, if he had one. "The shoot begins in sixteen (16) days. Be there, or be square. And hey--" he made little gunlike pointing gestures at Jodi-- "you're lookin' hot again, babe." Jodi just gave an uncertain smile, accompanied by a bit of tinysweating. She would've preferred dinner with the real Hannibal Lechter compared to this. *** Dinner with the Villyns. The thought was unpleasant to most people (including Aki Villyn). But to a certain Charity Darkness Vengeance, who happened to be the Queen of the Dark--no, make that Drabverse, the idea was the most wonderful thing in the world. She had wondered when Nemi-chan would come around to asking her to--she blushed at the thought--go over to his house and have dinner with him! That was what was running through her mind as she walked up to the Villyn doorstep and saw him. He was soooo cute, the way he was fuming and acting grumpy as he signed for a package and a pack of postcards. After putting said items...somewhere in his armor, she saw him look at her and... [...Wow! Does she look...wow!] thought Nemesis Serendipity Villyn to himself. [No, hold on, stay serious. You have something you have to tell her...serious mode, serious mode, serious, serious, serious...] He clicked a small button in his armor and a voice started speaking softly to him: "You are staying serious. You are staying serious. If you are not serious people will not bow down to you when you take over the world. You are staying serious..." It was partially successful, in that he was able to form words with his mouth. Unfortunately, they were words like "Um..." and "Er..." and "Gah..." He could probably form other words if he tried, though. [Now. Open mouth...] He opened his mouth. [Good. Now tell her, calmly, that you have to talk.] "Um...er...gah...I...we..." Queen Vengeance radiated an even more radiant radiation in her radiant smile and batted her eyes. "Yes, Nemi-chan?" [Oh, no...time to sweatdrop...] "We...they're...aee...eee...aye... oh...you...weneedtotalk!" The voices in Villyn's head started congratulating him at being able to overcome such a nefarious obstacle and berate him for being so commanding towards Cha-chan. "Oh?" Queen Vengeance batted her eyes. "What about?" she asked, voice dripping with a mixture of sensuality and sweetness. It's a good thing that he didn't have to talk, because even his mind could only form words like [Um...] and [Er...] and [Gah...] Instead, the pygmies on the couch decided to make their presence known to the queen as they rose from the sofa (actually, it was more like clamboring over the back of the sofa, which kinda looked cute). "Oh," was the only comment from the queen, as a small sweatdrop formed on her head. *** Ayesse trudged along, mumbling something about rhinestones and punk 'dos and bangles...or was it The Bangles?...whatever it was, he was trudging along. Suddenly, out of nowhere, a general appeared in a shower of saltines. "Hi! I'm General Bob, and I was wondering--" He was cut off by a very grumpy Ayesse, who choked him and threw him off the side of the cliff, thus giving Bob the dubious honor of having the Shortest Lifespan for a Named Character. Ayesse trudged on. Trailing behind him were a number of...things. They could possibly be called "cute," but it would be the rough equivalent of saying something like "lava is hot," "the universe is big," "Phoebe drinks Coke," or "That Saikyo girl is a bitch." It just doesn't describe it fully. You COULD say that they belonged in somewhere like...oh... Kawaiitown (where another one of Matsuro's aunts--once removed-- lived), but then again, even that might not be cute enough. You could make a show of them--it'd be called "Ureshii Yatsura." Wine tastings could be spoiled within a three-mile radius of them because of the vast amount of sugar that is deposited in the air. Their sweetness makes Uberpocky seem like bitter squash and Jolt Cola like medicine. It would take a diabetic ten megadoses of insulin to ca*THWACK*ow! While the author repeats the same gag taken from another one of his stories, the march continued. Floating some distance behind those... THINGS was Esjie. It looked pretty cool because he was asleep at the time. It might have something to do with the fact that Ayesse was the one controlling it, and the fact that Esjie was in one of those crystal thingies. Ayesse had no intention of letting Esjie out of the crystal, after he almost blew everything to Hell. Apparently, though, the Teletubbies didn't. Since their attention spans never lasted more than a few minutes, they had forgotten about the horror that had occurred only two episodes ago. Instead, they were joyfully prancing around, singing, and dancing. Po, in fact, had snuck up behind Ayesse (somehow; it's really hard for trendy people to be caught unaware) and, with a cry of "BIG HUUUG!", clamped its arms around him. This startled Ayesse to no end, causing him to lose his concentration, which in turn caused the crystal containing Esjie to fall to the ground, roll along the ground for a little while, and in a rousing tribute to Wile E. Coyote, fell off the cliff (complete with a puff of smoke and a POOF in the end). The echoes of something shattering bounced off the cliffsides. If he weren't so cool all the time, he'd have said something to the effect of "Oops." *** WHAT HAPPENED TO ESJIE? DID HE SURVIVE THE FALL? WILL AYESSE BE PUNISHED FOR IT? EXACTLY WHEN WILL TEJINA DIE? WHAT WILL HAPPEN WITH VILLYN AND CHARITY? HOW WILL CHIANG DEAL WITH YUKIKO'S NEW POSITION AS QUEEN? WHY IS THE AUTHOR REPEATING QUESTIONS ASKED IN THE LAST EPISODE? WILL YOSHIMICHI ACCEPT HAVING MATSURO, DELUSIONS AND ALL? WITH MATSURO AND HIS SWORD OF DUALITY, TEJINA AND HER SPUNK, AND YOSHIMICHI WITH HIS "THAT IS A SECRET" LINE, COULD WE GET SUED BY THE PEOPLE WHO MAKE SLAYERS? HOW MUCH WOOD COULD A WOODCHUCK CHUCK IF A WOODCHUCK COULD CHUCK WOOD? WHEN DOES JODI FOSTER'S NEW MONSTER MOVIE COME OUT? WILL SHE DO HER OWN FRENCH DUBBING AGAIN? WILL BECKY EVER GET TO SING? HOW MANY MAGICAL GIRL HUNTER REFERENCES ARE THERE IN HERE? IS THERE ANY DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A HARBINGER AND A HARBRINGER? WILL THE DO-GOODERS BE ABLE TO REFORM IN TIME FOR THE TOKYO TOWER FESTIVAL? WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO KOJI? WILL THE AUTHOR'S FACE GET BASHED IN FOR THE REALLY BAD "URUSEI YATSURA" PUN? DOES PHOEBE EVEN COMPARE TO THIS AUTHOR IN TERMS OF THE AMOUNT OF COKE CONSUMED? HOW COME THE TOTAL AMOUNT OF QUESTIONS ALMOST RIVALS THE SIZE OF THE CHAPTER ITSELF? WHY WAS THIS CHAPTER SO BADLY WRITTEN? AND HOW COME EVERY TENTH EPISODE IS SO DAMN SHORT? All these questions might be answered by...David Menendez! Or maybe only some. Or none. Who knows? I can give you an answer to the fourth-to-last question, though. Let's put it this way: Not a chance. --- Endnotes: Phoebe, I challenge you to a Coke binge! Seriously, writing this was lotsa fun. Maybe not for you, but I most certainly enjoyed it. Thanks go to anyone who might've preread for me if I offered, and to NeoPuu for giving me the Happy Healing Song to cheerfully remix into a Rancid song. (The group, not the adjective.) "Ureshii Yatsura"=Either "Those Obnoxious Happy People" or "Those Happy Aliens." I don't remember which. Either way, though, the Teletubbies fit the bill. Oh, and the Do-Gooders make a very brief cameo in Special Ops Team 1/2, Casefile 2 by the same author. Check it out. It's better than THIS drivel. http://westwood.fortunecity.com/lauren/604/ "Zathras a little bit country, Zathras a little bit rock and roll."