In much the same way that the DarkVerse is in a dimension very close to our own, there are - No, that's not quite it. Dimensions are much more complex than that. First, there's the classical sort, which are the three directions, time, and another, which some call Probability and others Reality, which indicates what reality you happen to be in, be it Earth's or the DarkVerse's or whatever. There might be more classical-dimensions but they're completely beyond human comprehension and so aren't important. At least to human comprehension. Then there's the very common usage that refers to alternate realities - that is, different points in the Reality dimension. As you can imagine, with both usages twisted around each other the way they are, talking about dimensions gets really confusing and can become harder to understand than Japanese translated into English via Swahili and French. As this passage may or may not demonstrate. So. In much the same way that the DarkVerse is in a reality-dimension very close to our own, there are other worlds in other universes. Some, like the aforementioned DarkVerse, have close ties to Earth and are a mere shadow away. Others, less important to this story, are further away. One of the reality-dimensions close to our world is the Kingdom of Obscurity, so called because very few people, in all of the classical-dimensions, reality- dimensions, and worlds, know about it. It is a stark and lonely place. The night sky is completely starless and the sun is blindingly light during the day. People do live there but you'd hardly think that if you went there - the inhabitants don't get out much, preferring to huddle in their homes in an attempt to be as obscure as possible to everyone else, sometimes even from their own families. There is one inhabitant who has not succumbed to this tendency towards obscurity. He is the ruler of the Kingdom, Baron Stagner von Carrlson. The main reason he has not yet fully succumbed is that he spends little time in his own kingdom. Most of it is spent in nearby realities, primarily that of Earth. But every so often he returns to his homeworld. What he does each time is exactly the same. He goes straight to the center of his palace, to a statue of a stunningly beautiful woman. Her hair cascades in waves down her back, and a crown is set atop her head. Her arms are held imploringly out, her eyes are full of sadness, and there are even tears streaming down her face. Standing out against the gray of the stone is a large multicoloured gemstone on the woman's necklace. The gem glitters oddly in the light, yet seems somehow muted. On his latest visit, the Baron entered the courtyard. He stood there a moment, posing almost dramatically in his cape, then strode haughtily and arrogantly up to the statue. His footsteps echoed loudly throughout the large and mostly deserted courtyard, and the couple of people present looked up at the new arrival. They took one look at their leader and his determined visage, and hurriedly made themselves scarce. Even taking the usual feelings of 'must be as obscure as possible' into account, nobody liked being present when the Baron made his semi-regular pilgrimage. He drew up to the statue and stood there in front of it for a short moment, in an awkward silence. "Hello, it's me," he said. "I have returned once more." --------------------------------------------------- Do-Gooders (The Proactive Teen Superhero Team With An X Somewhere In Their Job Description) A FanArt HQ / Spoof Chase Improfanfic Episode 47: Stuff happens! An old enemy resurfaces! Written by Steven Scougall Original Do-Gooders concept by Stefan Gagne, 1998 --------------------------------------------------- There was dead silence in the courtyard of the Palace of the Kingdom of Obscurity. Statues aren't noted for their conversational skills, after all. Baron von Carrlson swallowed, almost nervously, and continued. "Things are proceeding. Perhaps not as smoothly as I would have liked them to. Remember those 'Do-Gooders' I've mentioned? They must have the god of dumb luck on their side. No matter what I throw at them they just keep on getting in my way. But things are definitely moving along. I've collected so much energy already, and the cults are likely to fight and I can get energy from their skirmishes, and in the final battles between their gods they'll surely destroy the worlds of our enemies, just as long as I help them along, and I'll have the energy of the Light of the World any day now." He stopped, realising he'd been babbling. Again. He always seemed to end up talking on automatic when he came back here. He swallowed nervously, and finished. "Unless something goes drastically wrong. But it shouldn't..." Another silence. "...by god, I miss you. Do you miss me?" On the face of it, this was a completely ridiculous question to ask a statue. But then, this wasn't an average statue. "Do you even hear me? I like to think so. It makes me feel better. I'd feel stupid otherwise." Another silence, seemingly longer than what it really was. "I'll make those bastards pay for doing this to you," he swore with a sudden blind conviction. "I'll make them all pay. All they had to do was ASK you for the Gem. But no, they thought we were all evil for just having it. They thought you... that you... you... By god, they thought YOU were evil for having it on your necklace." He looked at the gemstone set into the statue's neck with a sudden startling viciousness, then up to the statue's sad, imploring expression. With a wild and incoherent yell he lashed directly out at the gemstone. There was a multicoloured spark, a flash, and the Baron was hurled across the courtyard to crash into the wall, and he then crumpled to the floor. He stayed there, curled up into a ball, for what seemed like an age. Gradually, a noise became audible throughout the courtyard. Or maybe it had always been there and he'd only just noticed. Regardless, he realised that the noise was him, crying. He didn't particularly care; there was nobody around to see or hear. "You were the gentlest, nicest person in the entire Kingdom of Prominence," he sobbed. "You were the best person to hold the Dark Gem. But no, they didn't take any of that into account. They just came and did this to you with barely a second thought. I wasn't even here to protect you..." He broke off into another fit of sobbing. "I come home and find you like this, my entire world Obscured..." He couldn't speak for another few minutes, but he gradually regained his composure and could speak once more. "I'll make them all pay," he swore, with sudden fiery determination, slowly getting to his feet. "You can bet your life... hah," he hah'ed, with no humour whatsoever. "You already did. Count on it. I'll do it, dear, I'll free you. I'll get that gem away from you, somehow. Did I tell you I've almost got the energy of the Light of the World? I do, I really do. Just as that cult is finishing with her I can intervene and get her energy. And if THAT'S not enough to free you I don't know what is." He stood there in silence for a few more moments, his expression changing from determined to sad once more. Just when it looked like he was about to break down and start crying again, he abruptly stepped back from the statue. And again. "I... I'd better go. Things to do, Lights of the World to capture, you know the sort of thing. Till... till... tillnexttime," he said in a rush, and then hurried from the courtyard, his cloak fluttering madly behind him, leaving the statue behind him to stretch its arms out to infinity. * * * * * Kireiko looked down at himself in shock. In addition to the usual tentacles his half-oni form had, there were a few more, all green and slimy. And when he'd said "crap" just now it had come out as "crAp." "gOd dAmn It All tO hEll," he swore, and then winced as he heard that he was definitely talking like that weird guy he'd just escaped... alright, not escaped from, exactly, more like been rescued from. Nervously, he rushed to the full size mirror in his parents' room, and saw that his half-oni form was much the same as it always had been - tall, imposing, redder skin, small horns, and bigger muscles. Except there were those extra tentacles and patches of his skin were greenish instead of reddish, and there was an impression of sliminess, but apart from that... Well, alright, there was also the speech and an odd buzzing in his head that he'd never had before. Or maybe that was a just a fly in his ear. He whacked the side of his head a couple of times and the buzzing went away. His half-oni form was hardly the smartest thing, so Kireiko was satisfied with this result and thought no more about it. He had the more obvious changes to worry about, anyway. It was a good thing that they weren't really that obvious. Hopefully, he was much the same as before. Wait a minute, sliminess? He looked back behind him and saw a couple of faintly glistening footsteps on the floor. His parents' room's floor. When they saw that they'd KNOW something was up. Completely forgetting the fact that they had been professional demon hunters and would instantly know if something was different with him, he dashed around madly trying to clean the mess from the floor. After all, it wasn't just the evidence showing that something weird was going on. His mother also had a weird thing about cleanliness. But despite all his efforts, he was only adding to the mess. Eventually he smartened up and put on a shirt with an ofuda sewn into it, and thus returned to his normal human self. Now that he wasn't leaving slimy footprints behind, he dashed around again, somehow managing to get the floor nice and clean. The frantic desperation over, he slumped down, resting against the bed and the floor. He heard the front door open and his parents walk in. Were they home already? He looked wildly up at the clock and saw that it was indeed 9:00 pm - they hadn't come home early, he'd spent most of the evening rushing around the house. "Say, Choji," he heard his mother ask, "do you smell something?" Uh-oh. They were onto him. "Yes, Atsuko, I do," his father said grimly. "Get behind me." Kireiko started to think through the pros and cons of running away from home, and then the door to the room slammed open. His father was a dramatic silhouette in the doorframe, light streaming into the room around him, his glasses glinting dangerously. It was quite an impressive trick, considering that the hallway was darker than the room. "Ah-HA! I have you now, foul clea- Kireiko?" "Uh, hi Dad," Kireiko said nervously. His mother came into the room and looked around, then turned to yell at him. "Kireiko? This room is TIDY! It's JUST been CLEANED! I could smell the soap all the way from the front door! Have you been cleaning it, young man?" "Well, you see," started Kireiko. He got no further than that. "Something isn't right here," his father said, stating the obvious. "He cleans his own room about once a year, and suddenly he's cleaning our room. Dear, go investigate." His mother was back in just under half a minute. "There are slimy footsteps just inside the door to his room and along the hallway. Not very slimy, but they're there." "I see," said his father. His father turned back to face him, his expression grim. "Young man, explain." Kireiko was getting nervous. "Well -" His father's glasses glinted as he looked Kireiko over. "No, wait, there's something supernaturally different about you. Take your ofuda off." Kireiko was VERY nervous. "I'd better n-" "NOW, Kireiko Morizaki," commanded his mother. There was no arguing with her when she had that tone of voice and used his full name. Kireiko sighed. "You REALLY aren't going to like this," he said, and took his shirt off. Free from the ofuda, his body transformed into its changed half-oni form. His parents stared. "sEE whAt I mEAn?" "Kireiko... How did this happen to you?" "wEll, I kIndA gOt cAptUrEd bY thEsE hEllO cthUlhU wEIRdOEs At tOdAY's gIg, And sOmE wEIRd stUff hAppEnEd..." "Cthulhu, you said?" "yEAh." "Interesting. Now put that shirt back on," commanded his father. "Your speech is too weird with it off." * * * * * School the next day was quite average as school days went. Kireiko spent some time in the hallway holding buckets, Keiko defenestrated a teacher or two (fortunately for her victims, the school had started putting crash mats outside the windows), Ayame got top marks for her oral presentation, Matsuro had a hallucination or two in History class, the Dragon Childe were the top three in Biology, Sakyou and Yoruko distributed har, and that weird Mariko girl creeped everybody out. All in one morning. Just the usual. The main topic at the now standard lunchtime get-together under the tree was yesterday's kidnapping and Kireiko's discovery after he'd got back home. "So you're now a bit 'Cuthulu'-ised as well," summarised Hanaki, once he'd finished. "It's said 'Cthulhu'," said Keiko. "Whatever," said Hanaki. "It's almost impossible to say, anyway." She turned back to Kireiko, her eyes shining with sympathy. "It must be really tough..." "Nah, not too much," said Kireiko. "I'm still much the same as before. The main thing you'd notice would be the speech." Hanaki made a face. "And the slime too, I'd bet." "Ewww," said Ayame. "Sounds gross." "There's not THAT much of it," said Kireiko defensively. "ANY slime is too much," said Tejina. "Hey, I can't help it," said Kireiko. "I got off pretty easy. The guys who got me have octopuses for heads." "'Octopi'," said Aki. "Whatever." "But what were they trying in the first place?" "Yeah, good question," asked Matsuro. "What were they trying, Kireiko?" "Well, as I understand it, I was going to be a host body for their god. You know, Cthulhu. And then I was supposed to marry Jodi Foster for some reason." As he said that, there was what seemed like a surprised buzzing in Kireiko's mind, but it was faint and died down almost instantly. Everybody else's surprised exclamations were more attention grabbing, so Kireiko didn't notice, which just goes to show the tenuous grasp he had on his own mind. "That's AWFUL, Kireiko!" exclaimed Hanaki. "Yeah..." said Aki. "But hey, you guys stopped them in time and I'm fine. Mostly. So it's okay." "I don't know," said Becky, her mind in Agent BA-3 mode. "Something seems a bit fishy about all this." "Good joke, Anderson-san," said Sakyou. "I wasn't joking, Sagare-san." "...oh." "Anyway, like I said, I haven't noticed myself turning into Cthulhu, so things must be cool." They digested that for a while, along with their lunches. "Well," Matsuro finally said, "he's right, everything does seem back to normal. Mostly. I guess it's nothing to worry about." He took another bite of the lunch Keiko had specially made for him. And that was that. There really didn't seem to be anything more to be said about it. They picked at their food for a few moments. "Say, Sakyou," said Tejina, "is there are a Harbringer meeting tomorrow, as usual?" "Oh, that's right, she doesn't know," said Yoruko. "Know what?" "The Harbringers have sort of disbanded," said Sakyou. "They WHAT?" "Not completely. We're still distributing har, but ever since our god Ryokuryuu, or Aoryuu as he calls himself, showed up and went partying with Suzaku, our leader's been going through a crisis. He went off to the depths of the northern forests to meditate, and his protege went with him. That really just leaves us two, Hirata, and you. You weren't around long enough to properly become one of our group, and Yoruko and I never got on all that well with Hirata, so..." "I see," said Tejina. "Don't feel too bad about it. If something drastic happens we'll be able to find each other quickly, and as I said we're still distributing har. It's not much of a change, really." "I suppose. Do you have any har with you?" she asked, with a sinking feeling that she knew what the answer would be. "No," said Yoruko. "We've just distributed the last of our batch." Just as Tejina had thought. She sighed. "As usual," said Keiko, looking annoyed. "Even though I keep on saying I'd like to get some from you... And anyway, it's just the start of lunchtime, when did you have time to distribute any?" Sakyou looked embarrassed. "Well, it was a really small amount today... just a kilogram of the stuff. We needed only five minutes to distribute it." Keiko looked very annoyed. "Don't worry about it, Keiko," said Matsuro, putting a hand on her shoulder, a rare show of affection for him. She changed instantly - one second she was haughty and annoyed, the next she was cuddling up against Matsuro, almost purring. Matsuro smiled faintly - an even rarer show of affection. And the smile didn't go unnoticed. "Ne... Matsuro- kun," said Keiko. "You seem... happier, today." "Didn't I tell you?" "No," said almost everybody else in unison. "Today seems like the day of surprise revelations," grumbled Aki. "Hmph. Well, Mom left with that white guy on some quest, perhaps never to come back. The apartment's been a lot more peaceful since she went." "Matsuro," said Aki, "our mother is DEAD." "Yeah. So?" Everybody, on cue, gave him their best "You're weird" looks. * * * * * The Cult of Cthulhu, local #39924-91, was in an uproar. They'd been directly attacked by the Shub-Niggurath cultists and two different forces of magical girls. The ritual that was to incarnate their master Cthulhu on this world had been interrupted halfway through and nobody knew what had happened to the Great Cthulhu as a result. And to top it all off, Jodi Foster's agent was... well... doing what he did best - being an obnoxious agent. "Simply put, gentlem- ah... fellow-sentient-beings, as the person Ms. Foster was to marry has run away, the contract she had with you has been annulled." "no!" protested His Eminence. "we shall be able to bring the Master back, count on it." "And It Is All thE fAUlt Of thAt trEAchErOUs gOAt shUb-nIggUrAth, AnYwAY!" roared Brother Maynard. "But the fact is he ran away," said the agent in his most irritating let's-all- be-reasonable-beings-here voice. "This hardly indicates a willingness on his part. And the host was quite aware of the situation and so an ignorance case can't be pleaded." "he was led away, indicating that he did not leave under his own volition." "Jodi? You were there when he left." "I quite distinctly heard him say 'Let's blow this joint'." "As you can see," said the agent, "he DID want to leave. Contract nulled and void, etcetera, etcetera." "wait, is it not your custom that if the groom runs away the bride marries the best man?" asked His Eminence. "Maybe, it's certainly not the Japanese one. It depends on what Jodi thinks. Jodi?" The actress had just one question. "Who IS the best man?" "why, me, of course," said His Eminence, trying to bat his eyelids cutely at her. One of them fell off. "We're out of here," she said to her agent. "If there are any damages I'll pay them personally." "And if you accept that role in the sequel to 'Silence of the Lambs' you'll easily have enough." The two reached the door. "I'll have my people call your people," called the agent in parting, and then they were gone. The cultists looked at the door and each other for a while. "cURsE thAt shUb-nIggUrAth! dAmn hER All tO hEll!" screamed Brother Maynard. "If It wAsn't fOr hEr AttAck, wE wOUld hAvE bEEn AblE tO cOncEntrAtE On EnsUrIng thE rItUAl's sUccEss! nOw wE hAvE lOst jOdI fOstEr, whO wAs thE bEst mAtch fOr thE GrEAt CthUlhu! shUb-nIggUrAth shAll pAY fOr thIs OUtrAgE!" "for once, maynard, I agree." "AssEmblE thE hEllO cthUlhU! wE AttAck In twO mInUtEs!" His Eminence rolled his eyes, the lidless one coming dangerously close to falling out. "no no no, maynard, not like that. that shall come later. our first job is to get the partially incarnated Great Cthulhu back and complete the ritual, or at least see if completing the ritual is possible. at the same time we must protect the light of the world from shub-niggurath. the Master must be fully incarnated on this planet before she is doused and the end times come, otherwise he shall not stand a chance. and finally, another bride must be found for the Master. am I clear?" Maynard looked down at his seventeen toes. "yEAh yEAh..." "very well. stop looking so downcast, you finally get to annoy shub-niggurath by doing this." Maynard brightened up. "cOOl!" "just be careful." * * * * * After school, Tejina and her sisters didn't go straight home. There was a sale on at a clothes boutique nearby, which they'd seen advertised this morning on their way to school. They absolutely, positively had to check it out on their way back home, on the off chance there was a bargain item they just had to have. They were about halfway to the shop when Ayame noticed the sign from Heaven. Well, alright, it probably wasn't really from Heaven. It was a simple piece of paper with a notice scribbled on it in cheap pen, with no fancy decoration, after all. But it didn't need any of that - the "Speech and Exposition Club" title was enough to get her attention. Hearing her gasp, her sisters turned and looked at what she was looking at. "I do NOT believe this," said Tejina. "A speech and exposition club?" Ayame was already writing all the details down in a notebook, and was too busy to answer, which just goes to show how enraptured she was. "Sounds like just your thing, Ayame," said Hanaki, giving her a playful clap on the back. "It's on tonight," said Tejina, reading further, and then she frowned. "Ayame, this is at least forty minutes away, and that's if you go by subway. And it meets in a school multipurpose hall, which is suspicious. I'd expect it in some community hall..." "I don't care. This could be my chance to meet people who share my interests in exposition and making speeches, and I absolutely positively have to go and at least check it out for all the potential such an establishment would have. And this sign says it's the only club of its type in all of Tokyo," said Ayame. "...right," said Tejina. "Say, do you want to come along tonight?" "No!" said the two girls almost simultaneously, and perhaps a bit more forcefully than was necessary. "I understand..." she said, her voice heavy with regret. They just didn't understand her hobbies... "No, no!" protested Tejina. "Not that at all! We have band practice tonight!" "We do?" asked Hanaki. Ayame heard what sounded like a hissed "WORK with me, Han!" but she wasn't sure. Shaking her head sadly, Ayame closed her notebook and the three continued on to the shop, but she wasn't quite as enthusiastic about the sale as she had been this morning. Instead, her mind was filled with the thought of a Speech and Exposition club... Finally, she'd be able to meet people who truly understood the joy of circular breathing... It turned out to be a good thing that she'd written the details down in her notebook. While the three were looking through the boutique, it started to rain, and when the three passed by the piece of paper on the way home they saw that the rain had washed most of the writing from it. * * * * * The Shub-Niggurath cult, local #39924-99, in a similar fashion to the Cthulhu one, was in an uproar. One of the spy eyes that had been left behind after the attack on the Cthulhu cult had reported back, saying that the Cthulhu cult had been attempting to incarnate their god Cthulhu. The very fact that they had been trying that was enough to incense the Shub- Niggurath cultists. Not to mention Shub-Niggurath herself. Or, as she preferred to be called, Great Shubby-Chan. "THEY SEEK TO BRING THAT BLOATED PUSBAG TO THIS WORLD? THIS MUST NOT BE ALLOWED TO HAPPEN! *I* AM THE ONE TO CONQUER AND DESTROY IT!" "Yes, Oh Great Shubby-Chan!" shouted most of the cultists. "Wait a minute, *destroy* it?" said the lone voice of dissent. "Nobody ever said anything about AAAAAAAARRRGH!" "Please excuse him, Great Shubby-Chan," said Wataru, wiping the blood from his hands. "He was new." "VERY WELL. NOW, WATARU, MAEDA, ALL OF YOU, CTHULHU HAS ONLY BEEN PARTIALLY INCARNATED. YOU MUST DESTROY THE LIGHT OF THE WORLD BEFORE HE IS FULLY INCARNATED. BETTER YET, SEEK OUT AND DESTROY THE PARTIAL INCARNATION. HE MUST NOT BE FULLY AWAKENED WHEN THE END TIMES COME - OTHERWISE THE BATTLE BETWEEN HE AND I WOULD BE TOO BALANCED AND ITS OUTCOME UNCLEAR. AM I CLEAR?" "YES, Great Shubby-Chan!" Wataru shouted. "GOOD." There was a flicker of dark light, and then the woman was no longer a vessel for an Outer God, but just an ordinary human woman. "I've said this before... but... don't mess this up, Wataru," she said. "No, Natsuki-san." "This is your last chance. Maeda, even though the Great Shubby-chan has expressed favour for you, that goes for you as well. Suddenly things are too important." "I understand, Natsuki-san," said the two men, almost in chorus. Or perhaps harmony. * * * * * Kireiko was waiting for the three when they got back to the Nakao household. He peeled himself from where he had been leaning oh-so-coolly against the wall, and flashed the three a grin. "Hi Tejina, Ayame," he said in greeting. He aimed his grin at Hanaki. "Hey babe." She giggled in response. "Heya, lug." "Is that your pet name for me now?" he asked in mock indignation. "As long as you call me 'babe', it is," she said playfully. "Sounds fine to me. Anyway, wanna go out somewhere?" "Where to?" Tejina cleared her throat pointedly. "Band practice this evening," she said. "Sure. We'll be back soon-ish," said Kireiko. "Hey, let me change out of this school uniform first!" protested Hanaki. A few minutes later Hanaki had changed to something more flattering and comfortable, and the two had left. Tejina looked out the window in the direction they'd gone. She could have had him, she thought. Him or Matsuro. But she'd never realised, and now she had nobody and nobody wanted her. Her expression hardened. He was just a silly irresponsible half-oni jerk a lot of the time and Matsuro was just weird. Why should she care anymore? She went back to her math homework and started working furiously at it, as if to forget about her sister and Kireiko and Keiko and Matsuro. It didn't work. * * * * * Two shadowy figures spoke in hushed voices. They looked like the sort of figures that were plotting something dark and evil, the sort that would meet in some secret and shadowy underground base. Instead, they were in a bright and cheery lit cafe, which ruined the mood somewhat. As did the many bowls of soup and cups of various beverages all over the tabletop. "Are you absolutely clear on this?" asked one of the two. "Yeah yeah, Baron," said the other. "I got it. Kill the girl. Or turn her into a vampire." "A subservient vampire, mind. I can't risk the chance of her telling her friends about me. So DON'T mess this one up." "I said I got it." "Good." - = - = - = - = - = - = - = - = - = - = - = - = - C O M M E R C I A L B R E A K SCENE: A room in which there is a party going on. Sedately dressed people are standing around chatting pleasantly to each other and there is a pleasant yet unobtrusive piano version of the Do-Gooders hit "Jello Sucker" playing. SCENE: The kitchen, in which there are two young teenagers talking. PERSON#1: Things are just so BORING out there! PERSON#2: Yeah, I KNOW. But I have JUST the thing. (She goes to a cupboard and brings out metallic moulds that are in the shape of Do-Gooders characters) VOICE OVER: Do Gooders Jello Moulds! For adding zest and a bit of life to a party! SCENE: The party room - the same people from before are now wearing brightly coloured clothes and talking and laughing and gesturing animatedly. The more normal hard-rock version of "Jello Sucker" is playing, and some are dancing to it. As we watch, someone swings by on a rope tied to the ceiling fan. The greatest action appears to be around the table. The view zooms up to it, and we see lots and lots of jello, in the shapes of various Do-Gooders character. VO: Available in the shapes of all your favourite Do Gooders characters! Including Tejina! CLOSEUP: A shot of Tejina-shaped jello is shown. TEJINA'S VOICE: This is weird. VO: Kireiko! CLOSEUP: Kireiko-shaped jello is shown. KIREIKO'S VOICE: Me in jello. 'Kickass'. VO: Matsuro! CLOSEUP: Matsuro-shaped jello is shown. MATSURO'S VOICE: Hmph. Whatever. VO: And even... SCENE: People suddenly run screaming from the room as a gigantic lime-green quivering monstrosity comes through the door. VO: Life-sized Great Cthulhu jello moulds! For when you want to add that extra zing and zest to things! SCENE: A panning view of the room, which is now completely noiseless and empty and very very zestless. VO: Uh... right. Perhaps not. CLOSEUP: The view zooms in on the life sized jello Great Cthulhu and the other jello-ised characters on the table, the metal moulds having mysteriously appeared next to them. The title "Do-Gooders Jello Moulds" springs up on screen above them. VO: Do Gooders jello. You know it makes sense. E N D O F C O M M E R C I A L B R E A K - = - = - = - = - = - = - = - = - = - = - = - = - The way Ayame was walking, 'bouncing' or perhaps even 'skipping' would be a more accurate way of describing her movement. She didn't care. She was off to that Speech and Exposition club, where she could hang out with other people who shared her love for exposition and long speeches. It turned out that tonight there really WAS band practice. She felt a bit bad about not being there for it, and going somewhere without her sisters and friends just wasn't the same, but at the very least she had to check this place out. None of her friends truly appreciated her expositionary interests, and while she loved them and all, it was frustrating sometimes when they told her to stop expositing. She thought once again about how incredibly lucky it had been to see that ad for the speech club before the rain had rendered it illegible. It WAS quite late, and very far away, she thought. It was twelve stops away on the subway and then a ten minute walk from the station. But after almost forty minutes, she was finally there - she turned the final corner and saw the school gates up ahead. She could see that some of the lights in the school building were still on, and was cheered up no end. It *was* on, after all. Everybody else had thought it was just a prank. Wouldn't they feel silly when she told them all about it... She was running a bit late, so she hurried forth, walking through the gates, and then suddenly frowned. Something didn't feel right. She looked around, trying to work out what it was - The gates slammed shut behind her and at the exact same time all the lights winked out, plunging the schoolyard into darkness. A trap. And she didn't have the offensive magical powers the Sailors had... "Well 'ello, li'l missy," hissed a voice. "I never thought ye'd show up." A shadow pulled itself away from the other shadows, and started moving towards her. As it came closer, the strange feeling intensified. She stepped back from the shadowed figure warily, lifting her purse to a threatening position, probably looking a lot braver than she felt. It wouldn't be hard. "Who are you?" she demanded, trying to make her voice as stern as possible. "And here I thought you'd spend at least thirty words on asking me that," it said, and sniggered. "Too frightened to exposit, are you?" The use of the word "exposit" gave her an idea. Chiang had said that she may still have some magic powers in the area of exposition. If he was right... "O foul creature of the night, I would never be too frightened to exposit; for I am Ayame Shirokaze, schoolgirl and also queen of a long dead kingdom reincarnated to fight the evil that you no doubt represent, and in all my lives I have loved to explain confusing matters to those less cognisant of the situation than I, so that they may not repeat the same mistakes of the past, yea, and so has exposition on my part has often been necessary; thus I have learned to like exposition and could never be frightened to do so, and this I tell you in the INCREDIBLY LONG RUN-ON SENTENCE OF SLEEP INDUCING EXPOSITION!!" There was no accompanying flash of magic, and the only effect it had on the figure was to make it chuckle. "Over a hundred and ten words just to say 'no'. Guess not." Her assailant kept on slowly coming, coming too close for comfort, and that feeling was still there practically screaming at her. She continued backing away, but for some reason she just couldn't back away fast enough. "I'll have you know my friends are magical girls," she said. "Do you see them here?" the figure asked. It stepped forwards, into the faint light cast by a streetlamp on the other side of the gates. She could just make out unusually pale skin and the hint of a fang or two on the lips. That and a few other little clues all clicked together, and Amore's long experience identified the creature. At the same time, the feeling intensified greatly, and she remembered where Amore had encountered it before, too... The conclusion horrified her. "A vampire? Working for VON CARRLSON!?" she yelled, still backing away. "Aww," said the vampire, "I was hoping you wouldn't work it out. It's much more fun when they don't know that's what you are." He was suddenly in front of her. Her mind and knowledge screamed at her to not look at its eyes, not to let herself be hypnotised by it. If she did then she'd be lost. She wrenched her eyes away from its gaze and concentrated her mind as much as possible. If Queen Amore had any power at all it was intense mental control, and she should be able to easily stand up to a vampire's hypnosis. "You are strong-minded," it said. "A pity, that'll make this messier." She felt, rather than saw, the vampire grabbing for her. She just managed to twist away from it, and gave it a good hard kick to the groin. All she managed was hurting her foot, so instead of running away she could only hobble away from it. "Now I'm mad," it said, and it was in front of her again, grabbing her by the shoulders. She closed her eyes and turned her face away, and then realised she was exposing her neck. Her hands flew up to her neck and covered it protectively, even though she knew the gesture was useless. Oh god she was going to DIE... Inside her mind, she had the impression that Amore was opening her eyes... And she remembered a skill of the Queen's. Opening a mental channel to the Sailors, the advisor animals, basically, to everybody connected with the Crystal Kingdom, she screamed "HELP!" * * * * * The practice session of "Green Neon, Yellow Neon, Lots of Red Neon too" came to a sudden and confused end as the bassist and two singers stumbled, clutching at their heads. The guitarist and drummer continued for a few more beats, mostly out of reflex, and then Kireiko and Matsuro dropped everything and dashed to their bandmates' aid. At the sound of more groans, Matsuro looked up and saw that his sister Aki was stumbling and the advisor animals were looking dazed, but strangely, Keiko wasn't. "What's going on?" she asked, at the same time that Kireiko shouted "What the hell?" "It's... Ayame..." whispered Tejina. "Shouting for help." "I didn't hear anything," said Kireiko. "Honestly, you..." said Hanaki. "Obviously just to the Sailors..." "But then why didn't I hear it too?" asked Keiko. "No more talking!" shouted Tejina. "We have to get to her! She's in extreme danger!" "But how?" asked Hanaki. "Daisy, open a door to over there!" shouted Tejina. "I'll use that teleportation trick I learned from the Harbringers to take the rest of us." She looked at her bandmates. "Okay guys, hold hands." Daisy had already created an elaborate door and the animals and the two girls were hurrying through. Tejina closed her eyes, concentrated, and thought of the location the mental shout had come from. With a deep breath she invoked the magic and teleported the five of them to Ayame. * * * * * Spike heard the girl's panicked scream and at the same time felt it blast through his mind. This close to her, it was the mental equivalent of a short range shotgun blast. He stumbled back, clutching his head, but after a few moments he managed to shake it off. He looked back at the girl and saw that she'd run up to the gates and was trying to climb over them. That wouldn't do at all. Baron von Carrlson had been very explicit in his instructions - she wasn't to survive this encounter, or at least, walk away from it human. Spike growled and flew like the wind, grabbed her by the shoulder and pulled her away from the gate, then let her drop the several feet back to the ground. She landed awkwardly, and crumpled to the ground with a moan. Grinning nastily, he touched down beside the girl. "An impressive trick, but just a trick. Hardly enough to stop me, girl." He pulled her up to her feet. She weakly tried to break free, but he easily kept her in place. He lowered his mouth to her neck. "And now, you die." "NO! *YOU* DIE! JOYFUL CLEANSING LIGHT!" Spike whirled to see five miniskirted girls, two more sensibly dressed boys, and four undressed-as-expected animals suddenly standing there, one of the girls firing something incredibly bright at him that was probably going to REALLY hurt - * * * * * Baron Stagner von Carrlson saw what was about to happen - that idiot going and getting himself killed AGAIN - and seriously felt like beating his head against the table. But if he did, then he'd disturb the surface of all his soups and drinks, and have to cast the spying magic all over again. He grumbled, and kept his attention on the proceedings. * * * * * There was a bright flash as the Joyful Cleansing Light made contact, the beginnings of a scream, and then there was nothing left of the mysterious man except dust settling into a pile on the ground. Aki looked at the devastation she'd just wrought, and then down at her hands. "My god... I killed him... But I didn't even put that much into it..." Aki faintly heard Ayame's gasp of pain, and looked up to see the green-haired girl slump against the gate. "Ayame!" shouted Tejina and Hanaki as they rushed over their sister's side. "I think my ankle's broken..." moaned the green-haired girl. As she was looking in Ayame's direction, Aki couldn't help but stare at the pile of dust that had been the mysterious attacker. She looked back down at her hands nervously. "Aki?" asked Matsuro. "What's wrong?" "I... I just KILLED someone. Just like that." "You've killed things before," he pointed out. "Yes, but they weren't human. I mean... that is..." Aki stopped, feeling guilty. Of course she'd had to kill things before - youma, weird things the Cthulhu people sent, and tried very hard to kill those Teletubbies - but she'd only thought of them as 'things', not people... "He's a vampire, Aki," said Ayame, as her sisters helped her hobble back to the group. "They're harder to get rid of than a bad smell - they can just keep coming back. Just a few drops of blood on that pile would be enough to bring him back." "But still-" Ayame shivered. "And he'll be back, I'm sure of it." That stopped Aki short. "Why?" "I sensed the touch of Baron von Carrlson of the Kingdom of Obscurity on him." Everybody just stared at her as if she'd just grown an extra head, or spoke a piece of exposition that was less than or equal to fifteen words long. Which was quite a coincidence, really. There was a brief silence, broken by Aki asking "Who?" "He dates from the time of the Crystal Kingdom," she said. "He was trying to turn the Kingdom of Obscurity back into the Kingdom of Prominence." Kireiko was laughing his head off. "Those are the silliest names I've ever heard," he managed to gasp out through the laughter. "Let me get this straight," said Aki, ignoring the laughing Kireiko. "The Kingdom of OBSCURITY? And the Kingdom of Prominence?" "Yes," said the green-haired expositionist. She shuddered and continued with her exposition. "The story is that thousands of years ago, the Kingdom of Prominence had some dark and terrible power. It was so bad that all the other worlds, kingdoms, and gods wanted to seal it away and turn the kingdom into the Kingdom of Obscurity so that the power could never be used again. And the power was so great that it took all of them to do it. "The strange thing is that while the Kingdom of Prominence was dealt with, the leader wasn't, he just wasn't there when the combined armies arrived. But the dark power was, and that was all that mattered at the time. "A long time after that, when I was Queen of the Crystal Kingdom, the leader of the Kingdom of Obscurity was a man called Baron Stagner von Carrlson. I guess he still is. Anyway, he was very elusive and mysterious and we could never quite work out what he was up to, though the Advisors surmised he'd be trying to turn his kingdom back into the Kingdom of Prominence. But he never actually did anything, though..." She looked at the pile of dust that was all that remained of the vampire. "And it looks like he's back. I just wish we knew what he's up to..." There was the pop of displaced air, and suddenly an old man with enormous eyebrows and a mostly unremarkable boy appeared in the darkened schoolyard. "I'm sure that scream came from here," the old man was saying, and then he noticed the group that was already there. "Ah, I see we're a bit too late to help." The boy ignored the old man, instead looking at Becky. "Becky?" he asked incredulously. "Koji?" she replied. "Master Chiang!" shouted Ayame. "There are matters of extreme import that I must-" "I shee you foun' Eidon, Mashter Cshiang." "A... talking cat?" "What do you THINK she is? A dancing cat?" "And that's an irritating talking dog." "HEY!" "Pepper's the most annoying one. He never gets anything right." "YOU try dancing in a floating fishbowl, and THEN complain." "Though he did something right when he conjured up that communicator..." "No, Hanaki, Charles is the most annoying one. He was harping on about the fuku for a very long time." "Well, please excuse me. It was only the matter of Sailor Joy, one of the three Core Sailors, Awakening or not." "Zathras wonders if electric accordion music make people less aggravated." "NO, Zathras." "Zathras? Oh yeah, I remember him as well..." "When did you get here, anyway?" "I hear Queen shout, and come I must. Nobody notice me coming, everybody here already. I notice good-for-nothing Eidon Awakened now, too." "Anybody got any nuts?" "Oh that's right, back then I was called Eidon..." "Oh, it's Esu. Hi, Esu. Hi, Yukiko." "Um... hi... I really should be studying math..." "[EVERYBODY] [SHUT] [UP!]" Everybody did - they had no choice when Aki used the Brackets of Power. She disliked using them, especially on her friends, but sometimes it was necessary. She glared at the group in general for a moment, then looked over at Ayame. "Okay Ayame, go ahead..." "Thank you, Sailor Joy. Now, as I was saying before everyone started chatting on most annoyingly in a manner most difficult to follow, there is a matter of grave import that must be brought to everyone's attention, specifically to that of Master Chiang." "Which is?" prompted the old man. "Baron Stagner von Carrlson is back." The old man was completely unfazed by this. "So he's forcing things now, hm?" "You already KNEW? And you didn't TELL me?" "No time. Has he been a problem?" "See that pile of dirt over there? That was a vampire! With the touch of von Carrlson all over it! Sent to kill me! The vampire quite explicitly said that the Baron sent him to kill me! I'd say he's been a problem!!" "I see," said the ancient sage, stroking his prodigious beard as he thought. "He and I had what could perhaps be called a wary truce some time back, when we had that unpleasantness with the Void Spirits. I guess neither of us wanted to see everything destroyed." * * * * * "Damn right I didn't," said the Baron, watching the scene play out on the surface of his corn and pumpkin soup. "That would have destroyed the Kingdom of Obscurity as well, you old goat. Use that brain you say is so well developed." He checked on his coffee, which was showing the pile of dust that was all that remained of Spike. "And I suppose I'd better see about reviving you too, you useless lump. I'd get someone else, but that would take too long." He checked on his tea, which was showing Nemesis Serendipity Villyn and Dark Queen Charity Vengeance, and quickly looked away, blushing. He might be many things, but he wasn't a voyeur. Not by choice, anyway. He pushed the tea away and pulled the bowls of various types of miso soup over, so he could check up on the progress of the cults, but kept the corn and pumpkin soup nearby so he could check on how everybody from the Crystal Kingdom were doing. After a few minutes of their confused chatter, he decided he wasn't getting anything further from them, so he took a sip of lukewarm coffee, then picked up his soup spoon. His stomach grumbled in protest, and he sighed. His method of spying and gathering intelligence was useful, but it did mean he had a lot of soup. * * * * * "Of course!" Chiang suddenly shouted. This non sequitur of a shout had the effect on the half dozen conversations similar to the effect a charging rhino has on small unwary forest creatures. That is, it stopped everybody dead. "Of course what, Master Chiang?" asked Ayame. Chiang looked up at the sky for a moment, and nodded in satisfaction. "And that feeling of being watched is gone, too." "You had that too?" "I felt strangely hungry for corn and pumpkin soup," said Koji. "You too?" asked Yukiko. "Weird." "Anyway!" Chiang said. "Whatever it is is gone, so it's not important right now. The more important thing is that I think I've worked out the Prophecy." Chiang was suddenly treated to the sight of lots of people cramming into his immediate field of vision, shouting "You HAVE?" "I think so. It says that only when the Champions of the Crystal Kingdom and the DarkVerse join together will the worlds be united and be able to survive the Apocalypse." "Been there, had that," said Matsuro. "No you haven't. Alright, there was some messiness not too long ago, but from all reports it was a bit of a fizzler and it didn't threaten the DarkVerse as well. No, the True Apocalypse will threaten both worlds. In fact, if my theory is correct, then von Carrlson will be behind it, and he'll be bringing it to every world except his own." "Because they all banded together to Obscure his..." said Ayame. "Exactly," said Chiang. "But there were more than just the Crystal Kingdom and DarkVerse," protested Ayame, "and those are the only two the Prophecy mentions." "They're the main two now, though," was Chiang's response. "Anyway. The question now is if my theory is correct, and if it is, how von Carrlson plans for such an Apocalypse to take place." The ancient sage looked thoughtful for a moment. "All right. I can take care of that on my own." "But what about us?" "And what about the 'Center and the Earth' phrase?" asked Aki. The advisor thought for a minute. "Well, let me think... The phrase 'those of Center and Earth' refers to the Harbringers. They probably represent modern day Earth, and the champion of the Crystal Kingdom represents ancient day Earth. You know, as in past and present and enemies all united to fight for their future. It has a nice poetic ring to it." He paused. "But for now I have another theory to verify and work out the details of. Zathras, Koji, come." "Zathras work with good-for-nothing Eidon!?" "Yes. And stop calling him that, you'll give him severe self-esteem problems. Alright, let's go then..." With that, the ancient sage took the hands of the boy and the weird hairy thing that went by the name of Zathras, and the three disappeared in a poof of random miscellaneous objects. "He didn't tell us what we should do," said Tejina. "Well, just... go on as normal, I suppose," said Ayame. "But at the same time keep an eye open for weird stuff." "Like that guy," said Aki, indicating Spike's remains. "Yeah," said Ayame, and shivered. (To be continued) WAS THIS SERIOUS ENOUGH FOR YOU? WAS THAT INTRODUCTION WEIRD ENOUGH FOR YOU? WILL KIREIKO START CHANTING "IA IA CTHULHU FHTAGN" WHEN NOBODY IS LOOKING? IS THAT BUZZING IN HIS HEAD REALLY A FLY, OR SOMETHING MORE SINISTER, SUCH AS A MOTH? AND JUST WHAT SORT OF TENTACLES ARE WE TALKING ABOUT HERE? WAS THAT COMMERCIAL RIDICULOUS ENOUGH FOR YOU? WHY DIDN'T THE DRAGON CHILDE AND EVIL SAILORS HAVE GREATER ROLES IN THIS CHAPTER? AND WHAT ABOUT THE REVELATIONS ABOUT BARON STAGNER? CAN YOU STILL THINK OF HIM AS A BAD GUY? WILL THE CULTS FIGHT EACH OTHER? WILL CHIANG GET BACK AT STAGNER FOR STICKING HIM WITH THE COFFEE BILL MANY, *MANY* EPISODES BACK? WILL CTHULHU AND SHUBBY-CHAN REALLY END UP FIGHTING EACH OTHER OVER WHO GETS TO CONQUER THE WORLD? DID THE AUTHOR GET SPIKE COMPLETELY OOC? Don't ask me (except for the last one, which is probably a "yes"), ask the author of the next chapter, Jonatan Streith! Let's hear it for Jonatan! Huzzah! (Cheers) (Throws confetti) (Generally spazzes out) Author's quick notes ---------------------- That was a bit shorter than I thought I'd write. It's certainly drastically shorter than my last chapter of Do Gooders, which at over 110 KB is one of the longer Impro chapters out there. This chapter being shorter is a good thing, though, as it makes it much easier to absorb. ^_^ Many thanks must go to: * Jonatan Streith, who I believe was the first to suggest the "Kireiko as Cthulhu" idea on the DGML. A very fun idea, I thought. He also preread and provided an idea or two. * Eslington, for prereading, and for the Do-Gooders jello moulds commercial break idea, which I thought was too ridiculously funny to not use. * Philip Barkow for prereading * David Menendez, for providing the most detailed prereading I've ever seen. * The DGML, for just being there when I needed some good old fashioned silliness and inspirational humour. Or maybe that's the other way around, or perhaps both at the same time. Thanks guys. ^_^ Thanks for reading! Steven Scougall http://www.crosswinds.net/~sscougall