____ ___ ____ ___ ___ ____ ____ ____ ____ | _ \ / _ \ __ / ___| / _ \ / _ \ | _ \ | __|| _ \ / __| | |_> || |_| ||__|| |_ || |_| || |_| || |_> || _||| _ < \__ \ |____/ \___/ \__,_| \___/ \___/ |____/ |____||_| \_||____/ The proactive teen superhero team with no O's anywhere in their name Created by Stefan Gagne http://www.improfanfic.com Episode 53: Uh-oh! Love and Chaos Are in the Air by Mervyn the Wonder Slug A brief run-down: KIREIKO discovered that it's good to be the ki--er, tentacled ruler of horror. HANAKI has been scheduled to marry him as soon as HIS EMINENCE finds a TUX that is not so, like, FIFTEEN MINUTES AGO. HIRYUU got all gussied up to ask AKI out, only to discover, with BECKY and ZATHRAS, that AKI has been kidnapped. WATARU definitely felt *nothing* for AKI (coughcough). AIKA felt bloodlust for the CHTHULU CULTISTS on the doorstep. MAEDA felt contempt for everyone. SHUBBY-CHAN took a meeting with AKI. MAYNARD finally got to attack something. MARIKO got the snot whipped out of her by KEIKO. BYAKKO got annoyed with the DEPARTMENT OF MYSTICAL DESTINIES. SOMEONE had a very strange DREAM, but who and what and when and why, and possibly also where and how, are extremely vague. MATSURO's life is back to its usual Weirdness Factor, plus some. QUEEN CHARITY declared open season on the position of SUPREME GENERAL, demanding evil but non-hostile schemes from her SUBORDINATES. Then she and VILLYN consoled each other. The ADVISOR ANIMALS sprang into panicked but ill-defined ACTION. Kireiko's JACKET acted strangely. And somewhere, a flock of RABID WEASELS danced a HORNPIPE. But that's not important right now. **************************** "fOrwArd! fOrwArd fOr thE glOrY Of ChthUlU!" The horde of merrily singing Hello Chthulu surged forward, intent on consuming the band of opposing cultists. The opposing cultists were understantably resistant to this notion. "Mulch 'em," said Aika, opening fire. The results were not pretty. Row after row of tentacled, overall-wearing horror was mown down, splattering messily with each successful shot. It looked like an explosion in a seafood processing plant. Maynard smacked his forehead. "Oh, yUck... nEvEr mInd! OUr nUmbErs shAll prEvAIl!" And the cultists of Shubby-Chan *were* outnumbered. The Hello Chthulu marched merrily over the corpses of their fallen comrades, as unstoppable as the sea. In fact, Aika and her company would surely have been destroyed, had it not been for the cumulative effect of a gradual slope and the slipperiness of exploded Hello Chthulu parts. It was only a matter of time before one of them, struck in the head with a piece of flying tentacle, lost its balance and sent hundreds more tumbling down after it, the whole mass sliding with increasing speed toward...Brother Maynard. "stOp! hAlt! dEsIst! I cOmmAnd--OOf!" From a window of Shubby-chan's Happy Happy Joy Joy Fun Club, Maeda watched and laughed. **************************** All in all, this wasn't how Hanaki had pictured her wedding day. For one thing, the glowing slime dripping from the walls was rather overdone. For another, her groom had his filthy tentacles on two of the bridesmaids, who were not even attractive, for pity's sake. (Lunatic cults do not tend to attract supermodels). And Kireiko's preferred wedding dress was a little too, well, little for her tastes. And too leather. And too edible. "Kireiko!" she yelled. "What do you think you're doing with those bimbos?" Kireiko withdrew several tentacles and looked mildly annoyed. "Hey, don't get your knickers in a knot, 'babe'. One last fling, you know?" Hanaki stopped breathing for a moment, trying to decide whether to flay him or flog him. "What?" "You heard me. There's still time before the ceremony, so why don't you go bake me a pie? Oh, and oil my Harley while you're at it." Hanaki's face slowly colored until it matched her hair. "Why, you...you...you..." "...should check on the Great One's bride," said a voice from nowhere. Well, this was odd. "Why? It's not like she's going anywhere," said another voice. "Yeah, but what if she wants, like, a sandwich or a cup of tea or something? She's been sleeping ever since His Eminence left, so she's probably hungry. Do you want her complaining to the big guy?" Hanaki blinked, and sat up. Kireiko was gone, the bimbos were gone, she was still in her cell, and there were two rather-meek looking cultists peering in at her. "You want anything, 'babe'?" one of them asked. If Great Chthulu used English, he reasoned, he should too. "No," said Hanaki, wondering how much they'd dare do to her if she punched him. She decided not to risk it. **************************** For most of Tokyo it was a bright and cheerful morning, but for Tejina the stormclouds of depression weighed heavily on the horizon of life, driven by the low-pressure systems of worry and strife and the cold northern wind of disturbing dreams. She fondly remembered a time when a "disturbing dream" just meant a cheesy gameshow knockoff or something. Her sudden overstock of sisters had been trying, but the thought of losing them was worse. Tejina oozed sullenly out of her bed and into the bathroom, where Eiji was playing the "let's see how many times I can flush the toilet in a row before Mom pops a capillary" game. "Out," she said, jerking her thumb toward the door. "Thbbbpht," Eiji riposted. Tejina picked him up bodily and flung him out. Crud, she thought, I AM gonna be late. She brushed her teeth hurriedly, took care of nature's call, and shuffled toward the kitchen after throwing on some rather seriously wrinkled clothes. Now, what should she say to her mother? Bye Mom, we're gonna cut school to rescue Hanaki from evil cultists? No. Bye Mom, my education has to wait until I've saved the world from the forces of Darkness? No. Bye Mom, we're off to school? Perfect. Hanaki must be rubbing off on me, she thought. Ayame was already in the kitchen, with a piece of toast hanging out of her mouth and the phone cradled against the side of her head. "Whff?!" she was saying. "Whff df yff mmn--hld nn..." She removed the toast. "What do you mean, Aki's missing?!" "What?" said Tejina. "Right, we'll be right there," said Ayame, slamming down the phone and seizing Tejina by the wrist. "Waitaminnit!" cried Tejina, as she was dragged out the door. "Who was that? Where's Aki? What's going on? Where are we going?" "I'll explain on the way," Ayame said, continuing to tug. "Uh... Bye Mom, we're off to school!" Tejina yelled over her shoulder. It took Eiji all of ten seconds to burst into a joyous chorus of that immortal classic, "Tejina Forgot Her Books." "That was Becky," Ayame explained, once they were outside. "She went to Aki's house with Koji and Hiryuu, and that DarkVerse guy with the yo-yo told them she'd been kidnapped." "Oh no," Tejina groaned, "what next?" "Becky already called Matsuro, and she's calling Yukiko now. We're meeting at Kireiko's house." "Ayame," Tejina said, marvelling, "those sentences were all short." "No time." Tejina gulped. **************************** It was an unhappy gathering in the secret meeting place of the Masons. There were no actual Masons present, all of them long having fled their goddess and her karaoke machine, but the room was feeling rather crowded. You get that, with gods. Suzaku was unhappy because Byakko had burst in unannounced, unplugged the karaoke machine, and started a long diatribe just as she was getting Aoryuu liquored up enough to be fun. Aoryuu was unhappy because he got cut off in the middle of "It's Not Easy Being Green." Seiryuu was unhappy because Byakko had physically dragged her here from her sunbathing spot outside her nephew's cave. Genbu didn't actually have a reason to be unhappy, but everyone else was, and he didn't want to be rude. Byakko had spent the past two hours attempting to explain all of the things he had discovered at the Department of Mystical Destinies, with the aid of flow charts and diagrams done in at least four dimensions. When he had finished, total silence decended on the room. Then Genbu blinked with reptillian slowness and said, "I told you so." "That's it?" said Byakko, astounded. "I tell you someone has been tampering with the nature of destiny, that our rosters of champions have been tainted, that the setup of the contest itself has been compromised, and all you have to say is 'I told you so'?" "Yup," said Genbu. "I don't believe it." "Really, Byakko dear, it's much too late in the game to be changing the rules now," said Seiryuu, calmly playing solitaire. "I can see where you're upset, but after all, you're not the one who always gets stuck with the psychotic champions with poor social skills. Perhaps you need to eat more bran," she added, frowning thoughfully. "Yeah," Suzaku said, "and besides, this'll just add another angle, right? Make things more interesting." "'s'not easy... beeingreeeen," a voice warbled from the floor. "That's right," Suzaku giggled, rubbing Aoryuu's back with her foot. "You're all mad," said Byakko, throwing his charts and diagrams into the air. "Mad! Mark my words, no good will come of this." "Foo. You're such a party pooper," Suzaku said. She plugged the karaoke machine back in, sat on the floor next to Aoryuu, and lauched into "I Think We're Alone Now." The other three wisely fled. **************************** It was with much anxiety that the Do-Gooders and selected accomplices began to gather at Kireiko's house. Tejina and Ayame arrived first, and Atsuko seemed glad to have the company, even if her son's friends were a tiny bit strange. When you raise a half-oni, "strange" effectively leaves your vocabulary. "Come in," she said, ushering the two girls into the living room. "Can I get you anything?" "No thanks," said Tejina. "You haven't heard anything from Kireiko, have you?" she asked, knowing full well what the answer would be. "No.... Sure I can't offer you anything?" Tejina politely declined, afraid that anything she asked for would arrive at high velocity and aimed at her forehead. The doorbell rang again. Atsuko left and reentered with Becky, Koji, Hiryuu, Zathras and Matsuro in tow. "Hey guys," Tejina said, without much enthusiasm. Matsuro was looking at her oddly. "What?" she said. Matsuro shook his head. "Nothing, I guess. I'm still worried about Keiko. I called her house and she didn't come home last night. And...I had kind of a strange dream last night. Stranger than usual, I mean." "You too?" "Yes...what do you mean? Did you...?" They looked at each other warily, then examined themselves to make certain that everything was, ahem, where it should be. Becky, meanwhile, had slipped into BA-3 mode. "Ma'am, do you have any idea as to the whereabouts of your son?" she asked. "No," Atsuko sighed. "I'm afraid your guess is as good as mine." She's lying, said BA-3. She must be interrogated until a full confession is obtained. Shut up, chorused Becky and Sailor Rapture. "Investigations are under way, ma'am," Becky said aloud. "Try not to worry. Okay, here's the story," she said, turning to face everyone. "Kireiko and Hanaki are off somewhere, Keiko is missing, and now Aki has been kidnapped by members of the Shub-Niggurath cult." "Shub-Niggurath?" asked Tejina. "You mean that Wataru creep Aki nearly got caught by?" "Affirmative," said Becky/BA-3. "The Shub-Niggurath cultists seem especially interested in her. As for Kireiko, analysis of probable migration patterns suggests that he, under Chthulu's influence, may have returned to his place of surest refuge." "You mean the sewers?" asked Ayame. "Correct. It's worth investigating." A moment of pensive silence sank down upon the room. There were only seven of them there, and only five who could safely be sent out to search. Zathras was strictly a noncombatant, and Ayame no longer trusted her Incredibly Long Sentence of Sleep-Inducing Exposition after her run-in with Spike. The mood was broken when Yukiko piffled into existence in a shower of nuts, looking slightly dizzy from her sudden portal journey. "Sorry I'm late," she said. "I had trouble finding Esu." She sat down next to Tejina and Ayame, with Esu perched on her head. "Glad you're here," said Ayame, and began filling her in on recent developments. Halfway through, Tejina took over in the interests of time. "Oh dear," Yukiko said. "What should we do now?" Ayame sighed deeply, thinking, as she allowed the wisdom of Queen Amore to marinate her mind. "All right," she said at last. "I assume Aki's father has people out looking for her?" Becky nodded. "That's a start, then. Becky, you take Hiryuu and look for Aki. If you run into Villyn's minions, you may as well cooperate with them. Once again we seem to have the same goals. Tejina, you take Yukiko and Koji and look for Hanaki and Kireiko. Matsuro, you should try to find Keiko. Zathras and I will stay here and coordinate things." "Queen Amore very wise," Zathras said, nodding sagely. Koji, for one, did not see the wisdom in seperating him from Becky, but Ayame took his arm and looked into his eyes. "Eidon--I mean, Koji...," she said gently. "Your past has been forgiven. But now you have a chance to prove your dedication anew. I know I can count on you to help protect my sister." Koji nodded, feeling a mixture of pride and shame well up within him. Put *that* way, he supposed he'd always have another shot at Becky... The various teams were preparing to split up and leave when a black-clad blur launched itself through the front door and into Matsuro's arms, carrying him to the floor. "...I think I found her," Matsuro said. "Keiko!" cried practically everyone else. "Didja miss me?" she asked Matsuro. "Yes," he said, taking her hand. There seemed to be some danger of an Intimate Moment, but then Keiko sat up, allowing Matsuro to do the same. She looked worried. "Guys," she said, "there's something I ought to have told you earlier. A while back, Charity told me that I wasn't the only sailor from the DarkVerse. There were others, but they were...unstable, I guess. I didn't mention it because I didn't think they'd be coming back, but..." "But they have," finished Tejina. "Geez, why'd they have to pick now?" "You know those three weirdos who were following me around?" "You mean the Dragon Childe?" "No," said Keiko, rolling her eyes, "the *other* three weirdos. Mariko and Yumeki and Yaki. That's them. They captured me. They were trying to convince me to join them." Matsuro looked concerned. "Did they do anything to you?" he asked. "Yeah, but..." Keiko grinned nastily. "I did more to them. Or her, actually, it was Mariko who did all the talking. And I had some help from an old friend." Really, she thought, it was so nice of Be'alzebob to hold Mariko down for me like that. And showing her pictures of their vacation in Bermuda was a wonderful touch. "Anyway," she said, "I went by Matsuro's place and found the note he left for me. Matsuro, you should go looking for your sister. I'll worry about those three for now. I'll see if I can get anything else out of Charity." She kissed Matsuro on the cheek. He blushed almost imperceptibly. Yukiko and Esu, meanwhile, were in the middle of a whispered debate. "If you don't tell them, I will," Yukiko was saying. "They already know most of it now anyway." "No, please," Esu pleaded. "I will, I promise, but not yet. Edgar'll..." Esu broke off and shuddered. "You have no idea..." "Hmph. Afraid of a bird." "An *evil* bird. A carnivorous one with big sharp claws!" Ayame coughed, cutting through this and other conversations that had sprung up. "We can't afford to stay here any longer," she said. "Let's get moving." "Wait!" Choji leapt down the stairs, trailing spectral flames and several feet of adding-machine paper. The room darkened perceptably, apparently just to allow light to glint mysteriously off his glasses. He posed briefly in a menacing stance. "Take this with you," he said, proffering a large sheet of high-quality paper to Tejina. It was inscribed on both sides. "What's this?" asked Tejina. "The World's Strongest Ofuda. It has been in our family for generations, and it has never failed us. If you find Kireiko, try to put this on his back." "Although," Atsuko added sadly, "even this may not be enough to hold back one as powerful as Chthulu." Tejina gravely accepted the World's Strongest Ofuda. And upstairs, Kireiko's jacket began to glow brilliantly, billowing ever so gently. **************************** "WOULD YOU LIKE SOME MORE TEA, MISS VILLYN?" Aki shuddered. The situation was eerily familiar, but this was much more disturbing than tea with Charity. And there seemed to be a lot of commotion outside... "No, thank you," she said uneasily. "WELL, TO BUSINESS," said Shubby-chan. Her voice was tinged with a treacly sweetness that wouldn't have fooled any but the stupidest of village idiots. "I WONDER IF WE COULD STRIKE A DEAL?" Aki wondered if there was a polite way of saying "No, and get the hell away from me." "OH, I UNDERSTAND YOUR HESITATION," said Shubby-chan. "I REALLY MUST APOLOGIZE FOR WATARU'S EARLIER EFFORTS TO CONTACT YOU; HE DOES GET SO ZEALOUS AT TIMES. BUT YOU MUST KNOW THAT MY ARCHNEMESIS CHTHULU HAS DARK PLANS FOR THIS WORLD. YOU CAN HELP US THWART THEM, MISS VILLYN." Natsuki's face twisted into an obscenely ingratiating smile. Think combination Martha Stewart and used car salesman. Aki gagged. Shubby-chan was becoming quite annoyed at the girl's resistance, but trying to force her simply would not work. The Light of the World's power can only be harnessed voluntarily, after all... A new tactic was clearly needed. She summoned Wataru to take Aki away while she considered her next move. **************************** Aki followed Wataru away from the audience chamber in frosty silence. "Look," Wataru sighed, as he opened the door to Aki's room/cell, "I know you may not trust me anymore, but please, whatever you do, don't listen to anything Maeda tells you. He's up to something, I just know it." "Hmph," Aki hmphed. "Of course he is. If I were running a cult," she said critically, "I'd be a little more careful with my background checks." Wataru looked at her with a charming expression of bemusement. Evidently she didn't buy it, because she kicked him in the shins. "Don't try that," she said, "it won't work. But didn't you know? Maeda was the one who tried to overthrow the DarkVerse. I'm surprised he hasn't made a move here yet." Wataru's eyes narrowed evilly. "Oh really?" he said. "I do thank you, Miss Villyn..." "Yeah, whatever." "I'll be back to check on you later." When he was gone, Aki slumped in the corner and hugged her knees to her chest. "I wish Matsuro would come for me. Or Tejina." She sighed. "...Or daddy..." Aki lay her head down and wept. **************************** Byakko, not being one to give up easily, had returned to the Department of Mystical Destinies with intent to give someone a piece of his mind. He marched into the outer office of the Executive Director and found his way obstructed by a receptionist. It was definitely not Karen. This woman was built like a Valkyrie, and also had a spear. "Ho dere, Mr. Pretty Boy Mit Der Fangs, vhere you ist going in such a rush, hey?" she demanded, shaking the speartip under Byakko's nose. "I would like to complain about a faulty destiny," he growled. "Vell, you ain't doing it to the boss. Erda's got a high-level meeting, ja?" A faint "Weiche, Wotan, weiche!" floated through the thick oak door behind the receptionist's desk. "You got a problem, you gotta go through da proper channels, just like everyone else." Byakko reigned in his temper as much as possible and attempted to explain the series of disasters he'd unearthed in the records department. The receptionist listened to his story in stony silence. When he had finished, she said, "Hokay. Good enough," and shooed him off to a side door with the butt of her spear. "Der Senior VP's," she explained. She opened the door and shoved him in. Inside the room, branches snaked and coiled all around, and what wasn't green was white with wisps of cloud. There were three desks directly ahead, with discreet nameplates on them reading "Urd," "Skuld," and "Verdandi." The women behind them were dressed in radiant clothing. Byakko felt his natural cockiness fade just a smidge. "Greetings, Byakko," they sang mournfully. "We Are The Norns." "Er, yes. I'd like--" "In The Beginning," they sang, "There Was The Word..." "Yes, that's fascinating, but--" "Or Possibly The Clearing Of The Throat," continued the Norns. "I wonder, could I--" "And The World Was Made, And At The Ash Tree..." The door opened and the receptionist poked her head in. "Dey alvays insist on making der whole spiel. Resistance ist futile." Byakko settled down for a long wait. After what felt like ages, their dirge seemed to be becomming marginally more relevant. "And She Did Say, 'Matsuro, You Must Join The Band.' And He Replied,..." "I *know* that!" Byakko shouted. "Could we just--" Evidently they couldn't. The Norns were not content until they had told the whole damn story over again. There was no time here, which somehow made the ordeal seem *longer*. He dropped off at least three times; for all he knew they were quoting stock prices at him. It was only the sudden silence when they finally finished that snapped him out of his trance. Quickly, before they could start another round, Byakko presented his grievances yet again. After a moment's meditation, the Norns sang: "Sorry, All Sales Are Final. Next!" Bureaucracy, Byakko thought as he found himself mysteriously back in the receptionist's office, is a terrible thing. He felt an urge to start a small land war somewhere. And then he winced, as a small, nagging prod in the back of his mind suddenly became a series of raging hammer blows. "What the hell?" he muttered. "All right, I'm coming, dammit!" He stepped through his own shadow (only one of a set of Nifty God Powers; collect them all!) and reappeared in what seemed to be a typical teenager's bedroom. His nose was assaulted by an aroma of unwashed socks, but also of something else... Of course, the most prominent feature of the room was the glowing jacket with the tiger on the back. The glow had faded from blinding to merely radiant, and Byakko's headache dwindled similarly. He reached out and picked it up. The light winked out immediately, but the tiger still seemed disturbingly three-dimensional. "Was it this?" he wondered. "And where am I?" **************************** The Villyn household was also in somber spirits. The Quake Camper had been unsuccessful in his efforts to locate the priests of Genbu, and of the Seals T-kun could only find Hanko. That was fine with him, since he didn't really care for the others; Yoshimichi and Hasami, especially, gave him the creeps. The other minions were no more successful. The Blank Psychic and the Bluefaced Black Shadow in particular had nothing to show for their search, but then the two of them had the combined observational skills of a turnip. They had searched mostly by wandering the streets, calling out things like "My goddess! Where are you?" and "Hey you! Have you seen the divine Aki?" In the basement, Villyn was testing his newest inventions. The coffee bean railgun had been most successful; he'd managed to shatter a concrete slab with it this morning. Charity watched over him from a distance. As he was making minor adjustments to his suit, he broke down. "Oh woe!" he sobbed. "I cannot help but feel this is my fault! I have failed as a father! What good," he asked, with a rhetorical flourish, "what good all my craft if it cannot protect my precious daughter? What is the subjugation of the world to me if my beloved Aki cannot inherit the fruits of my labor?" Charity sighed. This was the third such outburst of the day, and it was early yet. She knew it would be bad for both Villyn and Tokyo to let him out, but she was becoming quite worried herself. "Now dear," she said, laying an arm over his shoulder. "You know that's not true. I'm sure things will work out. I'll tell you what, I'll send send some of my generals out to look. I'll bring you some warm cocoa, and then you should try to get some rest." Villyn nodded dejectedly, and Charity bustled off. Upstairs, the minions plus Hanko were awaiting further orders. Vuudu and Malaise were on the sofa in a position that was becoming increasingly compromising. After taking Villyn his cocoa, Charity loomed over the two lovebirds and ahem'd loudly. They started violently and scrambled over one another in an attempt to stand to attention. "Vuudu," said Charity, "can't you think of any other way we might be able to locate Aki?" Vuudu thought for a moment, and then the metaphorical lightbulb lit. "Actually, my Queen," he said, "there is something I can try." He poofed away in a short sharp shower of astrological accoutrements and reappeared shortly after with a strange oblong object in his arms. He sat it on a table and placed his palms flat against the top. Charity raised an eyebrow. "Ouija board," he explained. Charity raised her other eyebrow. "It's digital," he added. "Newest thing. I saw it in 'Prognosticating Today.'" The Queen seemed doubtful, but Malaise was as always confident in Vuudu's ability. "Oh great spirits of the Ouija," said Vuudu, "tell us where to search for Aki." After a brief pause and some whirring, the thing spat out a small sheet of paper. Vuudu picked it up and examined it. "The Sign of the Goat," he read. "The sound of children. Faulty wiring. Liber pagina fulvER+++OUT OF Please do not step on the rhododendrons CHEESE +++ROR." Charity sighed despondantly, and even Malaise looked doubtful, but Vuudu held up a cautionary finger. "Hold on," he said, and reached for the phonebook. After a considerable amount of riffling through pages, he stabbed his finger down on an ad. "Shubby-chan's Happy Happy Joy Joy Fun Club," he said. "I'd say that fits the bill, wouldn't you?" "Oh Vuudu," gushed Malaise. "I knew you'd come up with something." Charity fought back a gag reflex. Ye gods, she thought, do Nemesis and I act like that? She took the phonebook and examined the ad. It was indeed quite cute and friendly, but looked as though it were designed by someone who's only seen "cute" and "friendly" on paper. Shub-Niggurath... "Hmm," she pronounced at last. "I do believe you're on to something. Ayesse!" "Yo," said Ayesse, appearing in a rush of warm air. "Ayesse, I want you to go with Villyn-chan's minions to this place. We think Aki is probably there. Oh, Nemesis will be so pleased." Ayesse took the book. "Yo, my Queen," he said, "there's no address here. Or phone number." "Don't be ridiculous," said Charity. "It's a phonebook, of course--goodness. That's odd." She looked again to Vuudu, who smiled and produced, from somewhere, a dowsing rod. He carefully cut out the ad and affixed it to the dowsing rod with scotch tape. It jerked abruptly into the air, pointing resolutely due south. "Yo, is that going to work?" "Of course," said Malaise, gently rubbing Vuudu's back. Charity clapped twice. "Then onward! Ayesse and minions--and you, miss-- follow Vuudu! He shall lead the way to Aki!" Malaise squealed with delight and whispered in Vuudu's ear, "Do good on this, and you might get a promotion." "Oy," Ayesse said, lowering his face into his hands. As they marched off, Malaise gazed fondly after Vuudu. "Isn't he dreamy?" he/she sighed. For a moment Charity half fancied she saw little hearts and cherry blossoms floating in the air. "Malaise," the Queen said uncertainly. "There's something I've been meaning to ask you..." Malaise gulped, hoping not to be called upon to explain *that* again. **************************** Hanaki was about to go stir-crazy in her cell when His Eminence was hauled in again. "is this better?" he asked. Hanaki screamed again, and covered her eyes, fighting with the image that would remain forever branded into the scar tissue of her mind. His Eminence sighed. "they assured me this was very fashionable," he said, looking down at his new white spandex tux. "the height of fashion, they said." Hanaki shuddered. "I'm NOT getting married with anyone wearing THAT," she said, retching. His Eminence heaved another sigh. "the Great One will not be pleased at this delay," he mused. One of the cultists carrying him coughed discreetly. "With all due respect, O Wise One," he said, "Great Chthulu doesn't seem to be in much of a rush." "Yeah," said the other cultist, "He's still drooling over His new motorcycle." "do not speak of Great Chthulu in such disrespectful diction," His Eminence admonished. "very well, let us try yet *another* clothing boutique..." He thought wistfully of Jodi Foster, who'd never cared about his clothing at all. Hanaki frowned as they marched out. It figured, Kireiko forgetting about her in this moldy cell the moment he set eyes on a nice piece of chrome. Of course, he didn't know she was *in* a moldy cell, but still, she was going to give him a piece of her mind when she saw him. She stalked around her cell for a few minutes, and then decided that she should not have to take this. She rattled the bars until one of the two meek-looking cultists shambled over. "Hey, I'm the destined bride of your god, right?" she asked. She didn't wait for an answer. "So it stands to reason that you could get in serious trouble for not doing what I say, right? So you go tell Kire--Chthulu that I want to see him RIGHT NOW, or else I'll see to it when Chthulu rules the world that you have nothing better to do with your time than clean public restrooms with your tongue." The cultist regarded her with growing horror, and then moved away at nearly a sprint. Within five minutes he returned, still fairly wild-eyed, and unlocked the door. I wish I'd thought of this earlier, thought Hanaki. The cultist led her to a large room, containing Kireiko in a big leather jacket, and a brand-new motorcycle. Kirieko was on his knees, polishing it lovingly. "Hey Han," he said, looking up. "Whaddya think? Isn't it 'bitchin'?" "Yes," she said. "It's probably also 'stylin,' whatever that means. Kireiko, we need to talk." "sUre," he said, standing up. Hanaki gave him a sickly little grin. "Kireiko, I'm starting to get kinda scared. I don't like it here. I wish we could just go home..." "Hey, relax, Han," said Kireiko, flashing her a Bad-Boy Smile™. "You don't have anything to worry abOut. I've got evErything under contrAAAARGH!" Kireiko slumped to his knees, clutching his head with every available appendage (which was a lot). "Kireiko!" "Gotcha," he said, grinning. Hanaki aimed a kick at him. "Kireiko, that's not funny! I'm worried about you. No offense, but you're getting weirder day by day, and frankly some of those, uh, new limbs are starting to look rather. . . tumescent. You're taking all of this like it's nothing serious! What about all the people who're worried about you? About us? Have you even *thought* of that? And I can't believe, after all he's done to us, you can even *think* of trusting that Maynard guy!" Kireiko waved a tentacle dismissively. "PshAw," he said. "He's nOthIng I cAn't handlE." "You're even starting to talk like him!" "It's nothing I can't control," Kireiko said guiltily. "I can stop any time I wAnt tO." Hanaki turned her head away from him. She was silent for a long time, and then she quietly asked, "Did you know they've been keeping me in some dingy little cell?" "What?" he demanded, putting a hand (a natural one) on her shoulder. "Hey, I won't stand for that! You shoUld have said something eArlier, Han. No follOwers of mIne can treat you like thAt." They're not YOUR followers, you idiot, she thought sullenly. Can't you see that? "Hey, I know. Why don't we tEst this baby out?" Kireiko asked, slapping the seat of the motorcycle. "Just yOu and me. C'mOn. It'll be fun." Hanaki looked at the motorcycle dubiously. Oh well, she thought, biting her lip. At least it'll get him away from here for a while. And me, too. **************************** In his house in R'lyeh, Dead Chthulu laughed, rather predictably. (Laughter is a sign of Insidious Plotting™.) **************************** At this point, some of you may be wondering what exactly happened to Balin and Dalin. You may rest assured that Asgard provides only the highest quality health care for its employees, and even now Balin (or possibly Dalin) is recovering splendidly in a very nice, well-kempt private hospital in the Cotswalds, with Dalin (or possibly Balin) constantly there to bring him chicken soup and read him witty passages from the biography of Norm Abram. And they have both sworn never to set foot in Japan ever again, not even if a horde of Valkyries tried to drag them there. The rest of you may may skip the preceeding paragraph. **************************** It was dawning on Becky, as she, Matsuro and Hiryuu began their quest for Aki, that none of them had the slightest idea where to begin searching for her. Ordinarily that would have been a problem, but news reports of a pitched battle between "some sort of strangely cute, squidlike creatures" and the heavily-armed employees of a shady daycare center made matters a bit simpler. When they arrived at the approximate address of Shubby-chan's Happy Happy Joy Joy Fun Club, they discovered that the police had already cordoned off the whole block. They had long since given up trying to intervene; three police cars in various states of destruction were visible from where Becky stood. Hiryuu started toward the blockade, cheerfully oblivious to any possible objections from the police. Therefore the restraining hand on his chest came as quite a surprise. "Hey, pal," said the rather burly officer in front of him. "You can't get past here. It's a war zone in there." "But..." Hiryuu started. "If you want to get your head blown off, that's your business, but it's not worth me risking my job." "Hahaha," Becky laughed, with her most charming smile, as she seized Hiryuu by the arm and dragged him away. "Okay, just let me handle this," she whispered. "You two play along." "I'm sooo sorry about my colleague," she said as she aproached the officer. "He's new." She whipped out a badge and flashed it with lightning speed. "AgentAmyAndersonoftheCIAwe'vebeenclearedtoinvestigatethisareawehavereasonto believethisispartofaCommunistplotpleasestandbackthankyouforyourcooperation," she said, breezing past the stunned policeman before he could utter a word. "Don't just stand there like lumps," she told Matsuro and Hiryuu, who were similarly dazed. "Come on, we've got, uh, Communists to stop." Lying to officials is not part of the American Way, BA-3 protested. Becky responded, Yeah? Where've you been? Once they were safely inside (safely being a relative term, as gunfire and flying tentacles were now quite close at hand), Matsuro turned to Becky and asked, "What was that badge?" "Oh...I swiped my mother's ID this morning. I just had a feeling it would come in handy, you know?" Matsuro stared at her. She had the decency to look mildly sheepish. "Aaaanyway," she said, "we shouldn't be out in the open like this." As if to emphasize her point, a Hello Chthulu went whizzing over her head and landed wetly on the pavement behind them. Matsuro regarded it steadily, then said, "Good point." Most of the fighting was taking place a short way away from Shubby-Chan's Happy Happy Joy Joy Fun Club itself. They didn't have much difficulty working their way around to the back, where Becky transformed, Masturo pulled out his sword, and Hiryuu looked mildly ill. "You get used to it after a while," Becky said, indicating Matsuro's stomach. "Do you get used to that uniform as well?" Hiryuu asked. "Hey! It's not my fault Princess Ivrysse had no taste. All right, Masturo and I will scout the area. You check out that storage building"--she indicated a storage building flush against the Club's wall--"and see if there's any way inside. Wait for us there." Hiryuu nodded, and Becky and Matsuro ventured off into the edges of the fray. This was certainly not how Hiryuu had envisioned the day. Now his clothes were wrinkled and his flowers were wilted and his date was kidnapped. Not good. Even if he hadn't been moping, Hiryuu quite likely wouldn't have noticed anything amiss with the fact that the lock on the storage room's door had obviously been violently forced. He opened the door and stepped in, blissfully unaware of the grouchy danger that lurked within the cavernous recesses of Shubby-chan's suspiciously large warehouse... **************************** It's a lovely day for a trip to the sewers, Tejina thought sourly as she, Yukiko and Koji wandered the streets of Tokyo, examining manhole covers. The problem she now faced was remembering where exactly in the sewers the Chthulu cult was. The last time she'd been there, the focus had been more on saving Kireiko than noticing landmarks and taking in the sights. The twenty-seventh manhole they checked was surrounded by a faint oily sheen, almost as though a large number of slimily cute creatures had flooded out of it, trailing excess limbs along the edge. Quite a coincidence, really. After checking to make certain no one was looking, Tejina punched the button on her transformation pen. Yukiko also transformed. They looked expectantly at Koji. "Um, excuse me just a minute," he said nervously. He ducked behind a bush. Koji was not fond of his little transformation sequence. It was short but nevertheless highly embarrasing. Let's just say that a strategically positioned clump of dandelions would not have been amiss. Certainly he was not going to do it in public. He emerged from behind the shrubbery wearing a tux with full tails, a top hat, an opera cloak, and a dandelion in his lapel. Golly, thought Yukiko. Rika was right. There really *are* dandelion- hurling knights. "Okay," said Tejina, as the three of them pried the cover up. "Let's try to get in and out as quickly as possible, without attracting any attention." As she said this, the cover slipped out of their grip and fell onto the ground with an earsplitting clang. "Well, it was a nice thought," Tejina sighed, as she dropped down into the darkness, followed by Yukiko and Koji. What struck her first was the festive atmosphere. There were streamers tacked up on the walls, confetti on the floors, and someone had thoughtfully moored a regata of toy boats in the river of sludge flowing through the center of the room. Across an arch was draped a banner reading "Congratulations Great Chthulu and Jodi Foster," with Jodi Foster scratched out and "Hanaki" crudely written in. There was a pimply cultist with thick glasses sitting in a chair near the manhole, and he was attempting to spear her with a piercing gaze. He was not enjoying much success. "Halt," he said. "Who, um, goes there?" Tejina blinked. She hadn't planned on a guard. There seemed to be no choice but to take him out; they couldn't attract any *more* attention, after all... "We're the entertainment!" said Yukiko cheerfully. Tejina fell over. "Um?" said the cultist. "You mean you weren't told to expect us?" Yukiko demanded in mock indignation. "What's the world coming to these days, if people won't even tell a hard-working sentry like yourself who to expect?" "Oh, ah," said the cultist, hiding the book he'd been reading behind his back. "Anyway, we're here." "Er, right. . . Who are you, again?" Yukiko blanked. She hadn't thought that far ahead. Fortunately Tejina had regained her mental balance, and she thrust Koji forward. "We're, um. . . the Amazing Wonko and His Lovely Assistants. Show the man a trick, Wonko." "What? I, I, I," Koji babbled. Then his brain kicked in and he handed the cultist a fistful of dandelions. "Say, that's pretty good," he said. He turned to the small group of cultists who'd come running at the sound of the clang. "Don't worry," he said, "it's just the entertainment for the reception." The others wandered away, disapointed; they'd kind of been hoping to sacrifice an intruder. "So," said the bespectacled cultist, "do you have any other tricks?" "Mmm, how 'bout this one?" said Yukiko. "Snowdrift!" After a brief pause, Tejina tapped the cultist on his nose. He went *tink*. "That works," Koji said. Tejina looked around, frowning in puzzlement. "This is strange," she said. "I though't there'd be more people here. Or some Hello Chthulu or something." "Maybe they're all out on assignment?" Yukiko suggested. "You know, that really doesn't make me feel better." The three of them moved through the sparsely populated sewers carefully, playing the wedding entertainer card whenever they couldn't avoid meeting someone. Tejina was amazed that more of them weren't suspicious, but what she didn't know was that with both His Eminence and Maynard away, well over 90% of the cult's intellegence was missing. Most of the smart cultists had left to find safer careers, such as bungee cord testing. At length they came to a large room, empty save for a few pizza boxes, some discarded socks, and a long skidmark on the floor. "Oh no," Tejina said. "Kireiko, you stupid lug, where are you *now*?" **************************** "WhooOooOOoOoooOo!" Kireiko yelled, tentacles streaming in the wind. "See? Isn't this grEat?" "Eep," said Hanaki, clinging tighter to him. In his house in R'lyeh, Dead Chthulu laughed his ass off. **************************** "What do you mean, they're not there?" Ayame accused the telephone. "Logic would dictate that Chthulu, seeking to strengthen his hold over Kireiko, would attempt to maneuver him into--oh, all right. They have to be there!" "I take it they aren't there?" asked Byakko, behind her. He didn't sound surprised. "Hmm? Oh," Ayame said, still addressing the phone. "One of the Five Gods is here. Apparently he was summoned by a mysterious and powerful connection to his champions, epitomized in symbolic form by Kireiko's jacket which, as you know, bore the--Hello? Tejina? . . . She hung up." You know, thought Byakko, the Norns weren't so bad. Aloud, he said, "They have the World's Strongest Ofuda, right? When they get back, I think I have a plan..." Long pause. "Namely...?" Ayame prompted. Byakko sweatdropped. "I'm, uh, still working on it." There was another brief silence before a loose conglomeration of fur, feathers, and goldfish bowls came hurtling through a portal, skidding to a stop at Ayame's feet. "*There* you are," said Daisy reproachfully. "We've been shearching all over for you! Aki'sh been--" "Kidnapped, I know," said Ayame. "We're working on it." "Intellectually microscopic canary," Rover muttered. "Well, how was I to know she knew?" **************************** Spike was not a happy vampire. This hangover simply would not die, he was sleeping in a crate, and the sounds of carnage outside were not helping his headache in the slightest. No rest, no quiet, no blood, nothing but infernal racket. He'd taken refuge in a daycare center in the hopes that some obnoxious child would wander into his clutches, but so far he'd had no luck. In fact, he'd heard nothing that sounded even remotely like a child for the entire duration of his stay. It was thus with great joy that he greeted the sound of an opening door. Stepping carefully around three forlorn-looking piles of dust on the floor (forlorn-looking as piles of dust can get, at any rate), he inched toward his intended prey, slowly, slowly drawing nearer, as the fool bent to examine something on the floor. The scent of warm blood filled his nostrils, rich and metallic, but with something else, something strange mingled in. He leaped, roaring wildly... and smacked face first into a crate, as his victim most inconsiderately moved. "Hi!" said Hiryuu. "Are you okay?" Snarling, Spike regained his balance and lunged again at Hiryuu, who abruptly realized that this was Not A Nice Man. Unfortunately his bouquet was the only thing he had to defend himself with. It would be wrong to say that being smacked in the face with a bunch of flowers had no effect on Spike; it served to irritate him further. He lunged once more, this time catching Hiryuu full in the chest and bearing him to the floor. Hiryuu was aware that his head was in a pile of something gritty. He was also aware that Spike was punching him in the face, which seemed more important at the moment. He could feel the blood trickling from his nose. Spike could *smell* the blood trickling from Hiryuu's nose, and this made him less than normally cautious. Hiryuu took the opportunity to knee Spike in a sensitive region with, well, dragonlike strength; while Spike groaned he rolled away, dribbling blood all over the floor in the process. They both rose uncertainly to their feet, watching each other warily. Neither noticed that the floor had begun to steam gently. "Nothing personal," Spike rasped. "But I must have blurk!" "Blurk?" said Hiryuu. Spike stared uncomprehendingly at the fragment of wooden crate projecting from his chest, muttered "Damn... not again," and fell face-first to the floor. As he fell, he revealed the shape of Koohii, standing behind him in the pose of a rather uncertain dispenser of justice. If Hiryuu hadn't already had a nosebleed, he would have spouted a gusher. "You're n... You're n.... Na..." "I think he means you're naked," said Scotch, who was sitting on the floor with his arms firmly crossed in his lap. Koohii looked at herself and gasped. "Where are my clothes?!" Mermaid picked a handful of dust off the floor and blew on it by way of explanation. Koohii drew in a long, shuddering breath just as the trenchcoated form of Sailor Rapture appeared in the door. "Hey, what's going on in--HELLooo," said Becky, quickly averting her eyes. In a flash (pun not intended) she found Koohii clinging to her arm like grim death and weeping profusely. "Oh, it was terrible," she wailed, "there was this horrible man and he attacked us and we had to do what he said and then you guys showed up and then everything was all dark and creepy and it was scary and I don't want to be a vampire, I want to be an idol singer and Uncle Ichiban said I could and it's not fair and I don't want to have to drink blood because that's just not something civilized dragons do"--at this point, she paused for another lungfull--"so where are we and why are we all naked and I wonder if Keiko knows a way to change us back, I mean, I know we haven't always seen eye to eye, but this is different and I'm sure you'll help us 'cause that's the right thing to do, isn't it, and I know we'd do the same for you, at least I think we would, and do you think I could maybe get some clothes? Please? It's kinda chilly." Becky's jaw worked silently for several seconds as she tried to sort out which part to respond to first. Matsuro jogged up behind her, wiping a few Hello Chthulu pieces off his sword. "Hey Becky, what was all that--oh," said Matsuro, raising an eyebrow. "If you say anything, I will hurt you," said Becky. "Hiryuu, what happened?" "That man attacked me," Hiryuu said, pointing unsteadily at the rapidly disintegrating Spike. Becky shook herself free of Koohii and examined the remains. "It's that vampire guy who attacked Ayame," she said. "Matsuro, I thought you took care of him?" Matsuro scratched his head. "I thought I did. But there was a big mess on the kitchen floor, and now that I think of it I haven't seen the dwarves for a while..." Becky gave him a brief "You're weird" look. "Whatever," she said. "Let's look around." Becky drew her blazing sword, which lit the room enough for them to move around without breaking their legs. A brief search turned up a door, presumably leading to the main building, and a box with "Ceremonial Robes" stamped on the top. The Dragon Childe put these on gratefully, without pausing to consider what might have worn them earlier. They completely missed the crate in the far corner marked "Embryonic Devil-Goats," which was probably fortunate for them. "Well," said Becky, trying to look on the bright side, "at least we've doubled our numbers." "Except that we're unarmed," Scotch pointed out reasonably. "Details. It looks like everyone is busy out front, so we should be able to sneak in easily from here. Especially with these." She pulled a few extra robes out of the box. Hiryuu prodded his face gingerly. Thankfully nothing was broken, but he did feel rather severely bruised, and also sticky. His bouquet was a ragged, broken mess, his hair was mussed, his outfit was ruined...Miss Aki would turn him down for *sure*, now... But maybe he could score points for a heroic rescue? "Say, aren't you that other dragon?" Koohii asked, looking at him in the flickering light. "I guess we should thank you, since it was your blood and everything." She brushed some dust off of his jacket. "You're a mess. I wish we had something to clean you up with." A blindingly white handkerchief appeared over her right shoulder. "Thanks," she said, and cheerfully wiped Hiryuu's face as well as she could, oblivious to the sudden tense silence behind her. "Hey, why's everyone so quiet?" she asked when she was finished. "Uh, Koohii..." said Mermaid. "Turn around." She did. "Oh," said Koohii, noticing the impeccably-dressed man with a gun pointing at her face. "My name," he said loftily, "is Yoi Maeda. I believe I owe YOU," he nodded at Becky and Matsuro, "for several incidents, including the one at the Legitimate Businessmens' Club. Please, no one move, I'd hate to ruin my suit with this one's brains. "I imagine you've come to save your precious Aki. Never fear, she is quite safe for the time being. I urge you to leave now, as any action you take will have...messy consequences. You are all coming with me." "Um, guys?" said Koohii. "What's going on here?" **************************** "Idiots, all of them," sighed Baron Stagner von Carrlson, pushing his miso soup away in disgust. "If you want anything done right..." **************************** Sakyou and Yoruko stood on the roof of Shubby-chan's, calmly observing the progress of the battle. "Do you think they'll be okay?" Yoruko asked. "Yeah. They can handle it. They've got the One with them, after all." They sat in silence for a few minutes, listening to the sound of gunfire and the cheerful songs of death and dismemberment. "I wish they'd hurry up," she said. "The pizza's getting cold. You want har on yours?" "Yeah." There was another silence, this one tenser. "Look," she said, "I won the coin toss. We'll follow Tejina *next* time." **************************** This is where things become slightly complex. When you're finished laughing bitterly, we'll continue. Thank you. Several things began happening at once. For the sake of simplicity we will deal with them one at a time. Outside Shubby-chan's Happy Happy Joy Joy Fun Club, the Battle of the Cults had been see-sawing for several hours: the Hello Chthulu got blown up, the remaining ones became stronger, Aika ordered her troops to bring out heavier weaponry. Repeat. The Chthulu cult was down to about six Hello Chthulu, plus Maynard, who was cracking a discarded tentacle like a whip and screaming "wrIthE, InfIdEl swInE!" Aika was losing cultits at a fair clip now, and they were using the most powerful rifles available on the black market. She mopped her brow. "It's no use," she said to the cultist by her side. "We'll have to use... Them." "Them?" squeaked the cultist. "Yes, Them," Aika snapped. "Hurry up!" --- Inside, in Aki's room/cell, Wataru was attempting to convince her that he really was a fun guy from Yuggoth and that Shubby-chan really did have the best interests of the world in mind. He was not having much success, as measured in shin bruises. --- In the hall outside Aki's cell, Maeda was using his gun like a cattle prod to herd along four Dragons, a Wildcard, and a One. "Your timing really was excellent," he gloated. "I've been looking for an excuse to visit our dear friend Aki." "Is this where you fill us in on your evil schemes?" asked Scotch wearily. "Of course," said Maeda, opening the door to Aki's cell. "Get in," he said, and stepped in after them. Then he saw Wataru there, and was not happy. Wataru was even less happy. "I knew you were up to something," Wataru snarled. "Too late now," chriped Maeda. He pointed his gun at Aki. "She's coming with me, unless you want me to kill her now. I can ransom the universe with you, girl." "You..." said Aki. "No!" Hiryuu shouted, leaping in front of her. "I won't let you hurt Miss Aki!" Maeda grimaced and pulled the trigger. Hiryuu's sleeve tinted red. "Hiryuu!" "It's just a flesh wound," he wheezed. "I'll be okay. This is nothing..." He fainted. In the ensuing confusion, Wataru rushed Maeda and engaged in the traditional Wrestling For Control Of The Gun. "Aki! Go!" he shouted. "What?" "Not for your sake," Wataru told both her and himself. "No matter what, you're too important to die!" Recognizing a break when they heard one, Matsuro and Scotch picked Hiryuu up off the floor, and the seven of them hustled out of the room, down the hall, and out through the warehouse, where their sudden egress nearly caused a surprised cultist to drop a crate. He didn't. He was luckier than he could ever imagine. The Do-Gooders & Co. ran like hell. After a while they became aware that Sakyou and Yoruko had joined them at some point. Yoruko was balancing a stack of pizza boxes on one hand. "You guys hungry?" she asked. --- Outside, a few minutes later, the same cultist pushed the crate up to Aika. With trembling hands he pried the top off and peered in. Then he ran away screaming. Aika fired one last ineffective shot at a Hello Chthulu, and then looked inside the crate. "Damn," she said. "Only one left? It'll have to do." Carefully she lifted out a jiggling sack of fluid and placed it on the ground. There was something dark floating inside it. Aika whispered something harsh and gutteral, and the sack popped, sending a wash of liquid over the ground. The thing that sat up was purplish-black, and somehow managed to be furry, slimy, and scaly all at the same time. It had two tiny horns. It turned its head toward Aika and said, "[Baaa]?" Aika nodded. --- Inside, Wataru had managed to get control of the gun, and was about to put it to good use when he heard a faint but ominous baaa. His eyes widened. "She didn't..." he breathed, and sprinted from the room, leaving Maeda alone, unharmed, and determined to stay that way. He also departed rapidly. --- Outside, the six remaining Hello Chthulu watched the Devil-Goat with interest. They continued watching with interest right up until it flicked out a long, froglike tongue and devoured five of them in rapid succession, despite the fact that each individual Hello Chthulu was much larger than it was. The last shuffled quickly behind Maynard, who looked at the goat with alarm. "...rUn AwAY?" he suggested. They did, with the Hello Chthulu merrily singing: "Run away! Run away! Live to fight another day! With a knick-knack, paddywack, Ia ia Chthulu fhtagn, This old man came rolling home!" The Devil-Goat looked puzzled. "[Eghh]," it said. "Feh," said Aika, smirking. "[Eghh]," the goat said, more insistantly. This was because, in Embryonic Devil- Goat language, "Eghh," means "I have a tentacle lodged in my windpipe." It struggled briefly and expired. "Oh," said Aika. "Oops. Wataru's not gonna like this..." --- Also outside, the minions, the Seal, and two generals arrived at the police barricade. The burly officer took one look at them and decided to take a break. After the CIA girl and the couple with swords, he didn't think he could handle this. "Yo, is this the place?" asked Ayesse. As if in answer to his question, Matsuro, Becky, the dragons, two Harbringers and, yes, Aki rounded a corner and flew past them. "Was that...Aki?" asked T-kun. The Blank Psychic, the Bluefaced Black Shadow, and The Unnamed Minion grabbed each other and danced in a circle. "Our goddess is safe!" they sang. And there was much rejoicing. Then Ayesse's blood froze. He seized Vuudu's shoulder and pointed. "Is that Esjie over there?" Vuudu squinted at the figure in the distance. "Looks like him," he said. "You worried about something?" he added, with a slight smirk. "Yo, are you mad? Do you have any idea what the Queen'll do to me if she finds out I let him escape?" "No, but I can look and see," said Vuudu, rummaging in his pockets. **************************** There was a small shrine not too far out of Tokyo. It was on a dirt road used mostly by tourists and hikers, and most of the shrine's visitors hadn't actually intended to come there and were really only stopping for directions. The elderly priest was slowly sweeping the front steps. His wife brought him a cup of tea. They stood staring out across the road in peaceful, meditative silence, he leaning on his broom, she absently toying with her kimono. There was a faint sound in the distance, rising slowly in pitch as it neared. It was accompanied by the steady hum of a precision engine. "...oOoooooooOooOOOoOoooOoOoooOo..." The old priest and his wife watched calmly as the motorcycle slowly grew in the distance and then dopplered past, one of the riders allowing its tentacles to flail wildly behind in the wind. A gentle zephyr rustled the leaves. The priest blinked slowly. "Don't see that often," he said. There was another tranquil pause. "Don't see that ever," his wife added. And that was all that needed to be said. The priest resumed his sweeping, his wife turned and went back inside. Kireiko (and Hanaki) continued on their merry (and terrified, respectively) way. Into the forest... **************************** In his house in R'lyeh, Dead Chthulu abruptly stopped laughing. **************************** ARE THEY ALL MAD, AND WILL NO GOOD COME OF THIS (bet on it)? WILL HIRYUU GET HIS DATE WITH AKI *NOW*? IS THE DEPARTMENT OF MYSTICAL DESTINIES GETTING SLIPSHOD? WILL KIREIKO BE SAVED, OR WILL HE BE DOOMED TO LIVE THE REST OF HIS LIFE AS KIRECHTHULU? WILL HANAKI MARRY HIM ANYWAY? WILL HE RETURN TO THE CHTHULU CULT, OR WILL HANAKI POUND SOME SENSE INTO HIS THICK SKULL? WHY IS EDGAR SO SCARY? WHAT WILL CECIL AND KAHI DO IF THEY CATCH HIM? WHAT WILL HE DO IF HE CATCHES ESU? DOES KEIKO KNOW AN ANTIVAMPIRIZATION SPELL? DID YOU KNOW THE CAST OF DO-GOODERS CONTAINS THE WORLD'S FIRST KNOWN LOVE SEXDECAGON? IS AKI REALLY THE OTHER 'ONE'? OR IS THERE A *THIRD* 'ONE' (please God no, I should be shot for even asking)? IS SPIKE BECOMING THE VICKS/BIGGS AND WEDGE OF DO-GOODERS? WHO WILL BE THE NEXT SUPREME GENERAL? WHY IS CHTHULU SUDDENLY NOT AMUSED? WHY THE FOREST? IS KIREIKO'S OTHER FATHER CALLING HIM THERE? ARE THESE ENOUGH QUESTIONS?! Adam Gieseler, YOU can take a stab at it, 'cause I'm pooped. And may God have mercy on your soul :) The World's First Known Love Sexdecagon (not all relationships mutual, of course): /--His Eminence /--Jodi Foster Kireiko--Hanaki | \--Yumeki Tejina--Sakyou | \--Stagner? | /--Mariko Matsuro--Keiko | \ /--Wataru Yoruko \--Aki--Hiryuu | Yaki **************************** Author's notes: [C#º7] WARNING: rambling ahead Thanks to Philip Barkow, Eslington, Jonatan, Signus Megido, and Steven Scougall for prereading, suggestions, and catching the occasional careless speling eror. Oh, and laughing. That's important. This was supposed to be a Kireiko Episode. Instead, it turned out to be mostly a Rescue Aki Episode. Plot Hijacking is a terrible thing. On the other hand, what I DID do with Kireiko I'm extremely proud of. Please let me keep my fragile delusions. Koohii's run-on is a paltry 169. I could have gone longer but Koohii doesn't strike me as a semicolon kind of girl. The reason I used Hiryuu's blood in the warehouse is that he's also a dragon. I figured that might be enough to let the Dragon Childe slip out of Spike's control. I apologize for putting damn near every character in the series in this episode. But so many things had been left hanging, and so many new things were cropping up, they just sort of shouldered their way in regardless of my opinions. And yours, too, maybe. Foo. But at least the Aki situation is (more or less) resolved (for the time being), which should simplify things. I also apologize for putting new characters in, and add this disclaimer: Erda and the Norns were supposed to be one-shot gags, harking back to the Wagnerian origins of the mystical destiny/sword stuff. They need never resurface for the rest of eternity (which is nine chapters). Then again, they may be useful. It's out of my hands now. The Norns, by the way, are not an A!MG ref, but actual mythological figures. Their scene is a jab at Wagner's Götterdämerung, the fourth of a cycle of four operas which begins with the Norns essentially recounting the whole plot of the previous three. The "Weiche, Wotan, weiche," is also a Wagner ref. I've heard four different translations of "weiche," so I can't begin to guess what the literal version is, but if you want to read something naughty into it, that's your prerogative :) See you in the final episode of Furniture Warriors, coming soon (I hope). mervynwonderslug@yahoo.com knoke@rhodes.edu http://www.students.rhodes.edu/~knoke/indie/indie.html **************************** "So *that's* how you keep the popcorn from burning," said Charity, popping a fluffy white morsel into her mouth. "Yes, my Queen," said Malaise, much relieved, and then hesitantly added: "I was thinking, what if we could sneak into all the gyms in Tokyo and attach generators to all the exercise equipment?" Charity blinked audibly. "Why don't you. . . work on that some more," she said.