DO-GOODERS
The Proactive Teen Superhero Team
With No 'X' Anywhere In Their Title

Episode Fifty-Four:
Question! Exclamation?

Created by Stefan Gagne
This part by Dave Menendez

-----

 From the altar at the top, the pyramid appeared to have no
bottom, just endless stepped walls slowly fading with distance
until they were indistinguishable from the perfect, unbroken blue
of the sky. It was a rather unnerving sight, and Baron Stagner
von Carrlson was making a point not to look at it. He was alone
atop the pyramid, his only company a glossy blue parrot lying on
its side near the center of the altar. It had not moved once
since Stagner had arrived (through a portal--he wasn't about to
climb an infinite staircase). As near as he could tell, the bird
wasn't even breathing. Lesser men might have been concerned or
perplexed; the Baron was just amused.
     "Quite a place you have here," he said, addressing the winds
and the empty, sunless sky. "I appreciate you inviting me." It
meant Arisu trusted him and valued their relationship, and
Stagner knew the importance of having powerful friends. Of
course, this particular friend had been dead for centuries and
wasn't completely sane. Entering his lair was a calculated risk
he did not take lightly.
     There was no answer to his greeting. The parrot remained
motionless. In the distance, Stagner could hear voices chanting
in the Hidden Tongue about how they liked "the boys in the
bullet-proof vests." Whatever that meant.
     "Anyway, it looks like Shub-Niggurath blew her shot at the
Light of the World." Stagner grinned. "Serves her right for
hiring a Darkverse-type, I guess. I'll just have to grab the
Light myself and take the energy directly. Can't be helped.
Speaking of which, you'll still be able to seal the Kingdom while
I'm performing the ritual, right?"
     No words were spoken, yet Stagner gradually learned the
answer. Arisu's power was still greatly diminished after the loss
of his avatar. Blocking access to the Kingdom of Obscurity for
the length of the ritual would exhaust him. That was fine as far
as Stagner was concerned, but he wasn't about to say that aloud.
Besides, he had anticipated that problem.
     "Oh, by the way, I brought you another six-pack of har. I'll
just put it here by the parrot."
     Again, there was no speech, nor even telepathy, but he knew
that Arisu appreciated the help.
     "You're welcome. Anything that helps you keep the Darkverse
and the Crystal City out of my hair is worth a little effort to
steal." He prepared to translate back to Tokyo. "I'll leave you
to your work, then. My lunch should be almost ready."
     With a quick step, he passed through the portal and back into
the men's room of Omnipresent Coffee Shop Chain (location #4866).
He took a deep breath. It was good to be in reality again, even
if it was Tokyo instead of his beloved homeworld. Spending time
in Arisu's psuedoworld was necessary, but rarely pleasant.
     Halfway back to his table, an otherwise normal-looking man
with a very tight tie stopped him and asked if he had seen the
divine Aki-sama. Rather than get involved, Stagner suggested he
try looking under the couch cushions. The blue-faced man gasped
and rushed outside, knocking other patrons aside in his hurry.
The Baron couldn't help but laugh.
     The waitress gave him an odd look which he ignored. His lunch
had arrived, and he wanted to relax a bit before returning to his
work. There was much to do before dinner, and still more to do
afterwards. It didn't matter. He had known when he started that
Prominence would not be easily won.

                                 *

     Each footstep audible throughout the house, the armored form
of Nemesis Serendipity Villyn lumbered up the stairs between his
underground lair and his above-ground kitchen. There, to his
surprise, he found Queen Charity of the Darkverse sharing a pot
of tea with a younger version of herself. One puzzled head-shake
later, he recognized his estranged son's girlfriend, Keiko.
     "Finished work on your, uh, project?" Charity asked brightly.
     Villyn shook his head. "Technical difficulties. The
gyroscopic doo-hickey is all discombobulated." Normally, he would
vanquish such minor obstacles with the laser-like intensity that
would one day deliver the world into his grasp, but he couldn't
work up enough enthusiasm knowing that his daughter was in the
hands of an evil cult bent on destroying the world he intended to
rule. It was kind of a downer.
     "Please forgive my intrusion," said Keiko, standing. "I
needed to discuss certain... things with Her Majesty."
     Before Villyn could reply, the phone rang. "I'll get it!"
called Malaise, who was apparently already in the hallway. A
moment later, the androgynous general leaned into the room, one
hand over the receiver. "It's Aki. She's with the Do-Gooders at
Tejina Nakao's house."
     "Let me speak to her."

                                 *

     "WooooOOOoooOooo-hOoo!" yelled Kireiko, nearly drowning out
the roar of his motorcycle. This was the life: wind in his hair,
his girl at his side (or back, in this case), woodland creatures
scattering in his wake, voices in his head telling him to please,
*please* slow down....
     Wait, that was Hanaki.
     "You all right, 'babe'?" She loved his English pet names. He
had to turn his head and talk real loud before she could hear
him, though. One of the disadvantages of wicked-fast transport.
     Instead of the smile or giggle he had hoped for, he got a
terrified shriek. Hanaki had been holding on by wrapping her arms
around his chest, and her grip was getting a lot tighter.
     "Can't... breathe..."
     "The road! Look at the road!"
     She sounded pretty scared, so he turned forward again. *That*
got her to loosen up her death-grip. He would have to consider
getting a sidecar if they were going to take road trips together.
That would be cool. Just her and him and maybe a few of his
cult-followers to get food and pitch tents and stuff. Cute ones,
if possible.
     "Please stop," cried Hanaki over the roars of wind and
engine. "I need to talk with you."

                                 *

     Fortunately, Tejina's parents both worked. She could only
imagine her mother's reaction to having Becky, Matsuro, Aki,
Yukiko, Koji, Hiryuu, Yoruko, Sakyou, Koohii, Mermaid, Scotch,
Ayame, the war god Byakko, and a bunch of talking house-pets all
visiting at once. Not to mention that a good portion of them were
cutting school for the day. Very few parents accept "I have to
save the world" as an excuse for cutting, and Tejina's were not
among them.
     Ayame had fixed some snacks while they were out searching,
and the nineteen of them had scattered around the kitchen and
dining room, to recover from their twin rescue attempts (or, in
Aki's case, from being in need of rescue). Aki was on the phone
with her father, and Tejina could hear her reassuring the
would-be overlord of Earth that she was all right, really, and
that massive, deadly retaliation against the cult of
Shub-Niggurath was probably unnecessary.
     Tejina wasn't sure what to think of Byakko. On the one hand,
the tiger-god was incredibly handsome and charismatic, and seemed
concerned about Kireiko's safety. On the other hand, she was a
destined champion of Ryokuryuu, Green Dragon of the Center and
Earth, which put them on opposing sides in the convoluted battles
of the Five Gods. It was a delicate situation.
     "I suppose our next job is to find Kireiko and Hanaki,"
Tejina said once the snacking wound down. "Yukiko, Koji, and I
tracked down the cult of Cthulhu, but they had already left by
the time we got there."
     "I'm worried about Hanaki," said Pepper. "I've tried to page
her, but she doesn't respond." The magic goldfish swam worried
circles about his bowl. "Without her pager, she can't summon me,
and without me she can't transform into Sailor Bliss. She's
completely defenseless!"
     "I always said your transformation scheme would cause
problems," commented Rover.
     "At least Sailor Bliss has some fashion sense," Pepper shot
back.
     "Ahem," said Becky loudly. "We're getting distracted."
     "Sorry."
     "Normally," continued the American high school student/secret
agent/bass player/reincarnated princess, "I'd recommend splitting
into search parties, but Kireiko may be hostile and we only have
one World's Strongest Ofuda. That complicates things."
     "Some method of communication amongst the search parties
would alleviate that problem," said Ayame. "This would allow us
to quickly bring the World's Strongest Ofuda to Kireiko's
location, once it is ascertained."
     "*Yeah,*" said Byakko. "*That's what I was gonna say.*"
     "Are you in possession of any additional pagers, Pep?" asked
Ayame.
     The goldfish looked pained. "Um... yes?"
     "Then our problem is solved. Once Kireiko is located, we
signal Pep and he can bring the World's Strongest Ofuda to us via
magic."
     "*While you're searching,*" said Byakko. "*I'll put some of
my own power into the ofuda. My mystical connection with Kireiko
should help counteract the influence of this 'Cthulhu'.*" His
expression darkened. "*No one subverts my champions. If we meet,
I will make my displeasure known.*"
     "That sounds very good," said Tejina, hoping to calm him. The
last thing she needed was an angry god in the house. Her parents
would not be happy if they came home to a pile of rubble. Not at
all.
     Matsuro stood. "We'll need to pick search parties. Becky,
Tejina, and I can lead groups. Who else wants in?"
     "Koji and I can go with Tejina," Yukiko suggested brightly.
Koji looked rather startled by that, but didn't say anything.
     "I'll stay here with Pepper," said Aki. "Whoever finds
Kireiko will need backup."
     "You don't have to," said Matsuro quietly. "You did just get
rescued, and Villyn must be worried."
     Aki shook her head. "It's all right."
     "*I will also stay behind,*" said Byakko. "*Once I have
finished with the ofuda, I have other engagements.*"
     "Well," said Sakyou, "we wouldn't normally help another god's
champion, but we don't want a world overrun by Cthulhu, either. I
guess that means we're in, too."
     "Hirata won't like that," said Yoruko.
     "Yeah, well she's not the boss of my life."
     "*Your help is appreciated,*" said Byakko, "*but do not think
our truce will last once the final battle begins and my forces
begin grinding our enemies beneath our mighty feet.*"
     "Bite me, Tiger-boy."
     Byakko's expression darkened further, and Tejina quickly
interposed herself between the two. "Let's not do anything in the
house I'll regret later," she said nervously.
     "I guess we'll go with Matsuro, then," said Sakyou.
     "Sounds good to me!" said Yoruko, nodding her head
emphatically. She sauntered over to the black-clad drummer and
grabbed his arm. "Shall we head out?"
     "All right," said Matsuro. "We'll stop by Villyn's on the way
and pick up Keiko."
     "Uh... sure!" chirped Yoruko. "Sounds good!" She playfully
poked Matsuro in the ribs. Sakyou shook his head sadly. Matsuro
might have been embarrassed, but it was hard to tell with him.
They picked up their pager and worked their way to the door.
     "So who wants to go with me?" asked Becky.
     Before Koji could say anything, Koohii leapt to her feet.
"We'll go! No icky squid-gods are gonna take over the world when
*we're* on the job!"
     "Uh, yeah," agreed Scotch.
     "Whatever," added Mermaid.
     "Right," said Becky, getting a pager from Pepper. "Let's get
going, then. You too, Rover."
     The canine advisor looked up, startled. "You want me to come
with you?"
     "You're my advisor. You should be jumping at the chance to
dispense advice and stuff."
     "I suppose... It's just that you've never asked me along
before."
     Becky smiled. "Well, *someone* has to hold the pager."

                                 *

     "I'm concerned about where our relationship is going," said
Hanaki. Kireiko had stopped near an old, overgrown hiking trail,
and the two were taking a chance to stretch and discuss things.
     "What do you mEan?" asked Kireiko. "We're doing great! I've
got a killer scam going wIth the cult, a sweet ride, and all
sorts of cOol Cthulhu powers!"
     "None of that has anything to *do* with our relationship!"
Hanaki shouted, waving her hands in the air. "For one thing, it's
all stuff that's good for you! You're *always* talking about you!
What about me?"
     "You've got good looks, greAt clothes, and an incredibly cool
boyfriend."
     Hanaki giggled. "Well, that's true. I-- Hey! Are you trying
to distract me with flattery?"
     "Nah. You'd nEver fall for that."
     "Exactly, I-- Stop that! If you don't have enough respect for
me to listen to my concerns, then maybe... maybe..." Abruptly,
the purple-haired girl fled down the trail, leaving a very
confused Kireiko behind her.
     "HanAki?" Kireiko called, but she had already vanished into
the forest. He tried to determine where he had lost track of the
conversation. "Man, talk about 'messed up'."
     Uncertain what to do, the half-oni started checking for dents
on his motorcycle. While his hands searched, his mind considered
the Hanaki issue. She had been acting rather strangely ever since
he took over the cult. It was like she was possessed, or
something.
     "Wait a minute..."
     She thought *he* was possessed! She was worried about him!
How had he missed something that obvious? And why was he
tinkering with his bike when she was off wandering alone in the
forest? It was like bearing the essence of Cthulhu was messing
with his social skills or something. Setting the bike aside,
Kireiko rushed down the trail after her.
     He found her crouched behind a bush near a clearing. Seeing
him, she held a finger to her lips and gestured towards the
ground. Once he had done so, she pointed into the clearing, where
four familiar people were having a picnic.
     "This is nice," the handsome man in the long coat was saying,
leaning back. "Once we remake the world, we'll have to have
picnics more often. It's too bad Hanko and what's-his-name
couldn't be here."
     "It is just as well, yes?" replied the girl in the red
leather outfit. "I am finding her rather creepy at times."
     It was the Seals: Daichi, Hasami, Gary, and Yoshimichi.
     "Wow," whispered Kireiko, "what are the odds we'd run across
thEm?"
     "Let's get out of here," replied Hanaki.
     The two slowly stood and headed back along the trail, a loud
snapping noise punctuating their retreat. Kireiko looked down and
saw he was standing on a now-broken stick.
     "Oops."
     "Hey!" said Daichi. "Were you spying on us?" The Seals had
leapt to their feet and were advancing towards the clearing's
edge where Hanaki and Kireiko stood.
     "Of course not!" cried Hanaki. "We're just, uh, hiking!"
     "Oh, well that's okay."
     "Hold it!" said Yoshimichi, pointing at Kireiko. "You're one
of Byakko's followers, right?"
     "No way!" protested the half-oni. "I don't even *like*
Animaniacs."
     The four Seals looked at each other in confusion. "Well,
we're going to kill you anyway," said Yoshimichi. He reached into
his thigh and drew out a sword. Daichi and Hasami drew their
weapons and moved to flank teenage pair.
     "Well, thIs sucks," observed Kireiko.

                                 *

     The fight was rather uneven, as three-on-one conflicts often
are. Kireiko had the enhanced speed and strength of his oni
heritage, but the three Seals had sharp edged weapons and lots of
training in their use. Kireiko's speed wasn't enough to avoid
getting nicked. Hanaki was staying out of it, since she couldn't
hope to match someone with a sword or magic scissors without the
powers of Sailor Bliss. Gary was also hanging back, keeping an
eye on her.
     "So," he said casually, "he's your boyfriend?"
     Hanaki winced as Kireiko slammed into a tree. "Yeah."
     "And you're just gonna stand there while they beat him up?"
     "What can I do?" she demanded. "I don't have any powers or
weapons; I'd just get in his way."
     "Fair enough." He turned away and watched the fight for a
while. Kireiko was fending Daichi and Yoshimichi off with an old
log, but Hasami kept trying to sneak around behind him. She had
already slashed his jacket with her shears and gotten smacked by
a tentacle popping out of the hole. Gary scratched behind his
ear, watching. "So what's with the tentacles?"
     Hanaki glared. "You know, I don't feel like talking to you."
     "Suit yourself." He pulled an orange from his pocket and
started peeling.
     Things looked bad for Kireiko, a few of his tentacles had
been shortened and he had a light cut on his forehead from a
badly dodged swing. Hasami and Daichi had put away their weapons
and were just watching him avoid Yoshimichi's swings.
     "Quite the athlete," commented Daichi. "Very graceful."
     Hasami shrugged.
     "Stand still!" raged Yoshimichi.
     "That is *so* not happening," said Kireiko. "You think
I'd--Look out! It's Suzaku!"
     "What?"
     The four Seals and Hanaki all turned to look where he had
pointed, but all they saw was a crow sitting in the higher
branches.
     "Oh, please," sneered Daichi. "That doesn't even *look* like
a phoenix."
     "He's gone!" cried Yoshimichi. He smacked his forehead. "I
can't believe we fell for that."
     "Don't worry," said Gary, finishing up his orange. "He won't
get too far without his girlfriend."
     Hanaki was suddenly the center of attention. "A-Actually,"
she stammered, backing away, "we're just friends. Acquaintances,
really." She hit a tree, giving Hasami enough time to grab her
arm.
     "Excellent work, Gary," said Yoshimichi. "Somehow, by
standing around not doing anything, you've given us the
advantage."
     Gary licked the last bits of juice from his fingers and
nodded. "I do what I can."

                                 *


     Kireiko crouched in the bushes, listening to the steady,
boring rhythm of his heart. Thump, thump, thump, thump. It
sounded like that awful dance music Ayame listened to when she
thought no one was around. It needed some cymbals or a guitar
solo or--
     But he was distracting himself. There were four Seals looking
for him, his body was partially possessed by an alien god, and
Hanaki was probably in the hands of the enemy. She cared about
him too much to run to safety just because her life was in
danger.
     Yoshimichi's voice floated between the trees: "Hey kid, you
forgot your girlfriend!"
     Oh yeah, definitely in the hands of the enemy. He massaged
his forehead, trying to think of a way to defeat the Seals when
even his natural badass skills weren't enough.
     He had a way, of course. The powers of the Great Cthulhu were
beyond human comprehension. If he opened himself to them, he
would be unstoppable.
     "No," he told himself, "I am not surrEndering myself to some
freaky piece of undead seafood."
     All things he desired could be his, if he did. The rich and
the poor alike would bow before him. The meek and the powerful
would beg for mercy. There would be babes by the truckload.
     "I sAid nO!"
     Harley-Davidson would name special edition cycles after him.
He could have his own line of porno films. Becky would stop
making fun of his English.
     "nO! Not evEn to defEat the Seals! There is nOthing that will
make me do it!"
     In the distance, Hanaki began to scream. It was like daggers
of ice in his spine.
     "All rIght. I'll do it."

                                 *

     "That's enough!" shouted Yoshimichi over the sound of Hanaki
screaming. "Your Coleman Francis impression has done its job!"
     "Thank Seiryuu," said Gary, snapping back into his normal
posture and speech patterns. "I feel so dirty."
     "Is it safe to turn around?" asked Daichi quietly.
     Before Yoshimichi could answer, an unearthly roar shook the
forest, followed by an eerie stillness. Even the insects had
stopped moving, hoping they would not be seen by whatever had
made that sound.
     Hasami: "I think we have his attention, yes?"

                                 *

     "What on Earth was *that*?" asked Koji.
     "It sounded like the roar of some unholy creature whose very
existence spells doom for us all," said Yukiko worriedly. All
around them, traffic had stopped as drivers and pedestrians
scanned the sky for giant, radioactive monsters.
     Tejina nodded. "It sounded like that to me, too. I think it
came from that forest. Come on!" She headed off in a brisk run,
and stopped a few paces later when she noticed she was alone.
     "Are you two coming?"
     "Um..." said Koji.
     "Well..." said Yukiko.
     "It's probably Kireiko! You know, the very person we're
*looking* for?"
     "What if it's not?" asked Yukiko.
     Tejina shrugged. "How many blasphemous creatures of
destruction can there be in this city?"

                                 *

     Kireiko's return was not the daring, triumphant rescue Hanaki
had hoped for. There was something... wrong about him. Her eyes
couldn't decide if he was of normal height and three meters away,
or a kilometer tall and quite far away indeed. (The fact that he
was visibly standing in front of several fairly close trees only
further confused her depth perception.)
     Mostly, though, it was his face that disturbed her. The way
tentacles were growing out of the corners of his mouth. The flat
look of indifferent hatred he gave the Seals. The black, evil
mark glowing on his forehead.
     Something was definitely wrong here.
     "Does he look a lot scarier all of a sudden?" asked Daichi.
"Or is it just me?"
     "You don't look much scarier at all," said Gary.
     "FEEL FREE TO PRAY TOWARDS WHATEVER GODS YOU HOLD SACRED,"
said Kireiko. "SOON YOU WILL LEARN THAT YOUR PLEAS FALL UPON DEAF
EARS."
     "If you think glowing evil marks, more tentacles, and a big,
spooky voice are gonna scare us off," said Yoshimichi, "you are
*sadly* mistaken." He hefted his sword. "Come, Champions of
Seiryuu, let us--GURK!"
     Kireiko had Yoshimichi by the throat with one of his
tentacles. With an contemptuous smirk, he threw the Seals' leader
into a tree. He bounced off and fell to the ground, unmoving.
     "That has a certain ominousness about it," said Daichi,
looking at Kireiko's tentacles warily.
     "I am thinking a change of venue is called for," said Hasami.
     "You think we should run away?" asked Gary.
     Hasami bopped him on the head.
     "*Oh*. That."
     Suddenly, the three conscious Seals and Kireiko vanished,
leaving Hanaki alone. Tied to a tree. In the middle of the
forest.
     *Not* the rescue she had hoped for.

                                 *

     "So you think you're pretty tough, eh Mr. Tentacle Man?"
Daichi taunted. "Well, welcome to *our* turf!" At first glance,
it looked exactly like the forest they had just left. It was
deceptive, that way.
     "FOOL. YOU HAVE ONLY SEALED YOUR DOOM."
     "I don't think so, buster. *We* control the horizontal; *we*
control the vertical. We-- Look out!" The three dodged Kireiko's
charge, letting him run past them, through the paper wall of the
forest set, and over the edge of an unimaginably tall cliff.
     "Heh," said Daichi, poking his head through the hole Kireiko
had left in the scenery. "It's almost too easy. Nice job with the
hidden cliff, Gary." He pulled his head out and faced the others.
"The paint job looks so real, too. But what's up with the dead
parrot over there?"
     Gary blinked. "Dead parrot?"
     "Behind you!" warned Hasami. The hole in the set wall had
disappeared and the scene it depicted had apparently become real,
as Kireiko was standing several feet beyond where the cliff had
been.
     "DO YOU THINK YOUR PITIFUL CONTROL OVER THIS REALM CAN BEST
ONE WHO HAS SLEPT SINCE BEFORE YOUR RACE COULD SPEAK?"
     "Not anymore, we don't," said Gary.

                                 *

     "Do we even know where we're going?" asked Koji. "I don't
mean to whine, but this is a very big forest, and my feet hurt."
     "We're all tired," said Tejina, "but if we don't find
Kireiko, we'll--ow! Stupid thorns." The three of them had
transformed into their magical identities, and Tejina was
discovering that, while Sailor Delight's costume could protect
her from deadly energy blasts, it was less effective against
hostile plantlife.
     "It's the short skirt," said Yukiko, whose full Sailor Winter
costume included leg-warmers and a heavy jacket.
     Tejina sighed and drew her transformation pen. She had other
sources of power, after all. Back in civilian garb, she
concentrated and reached into her shoulder, drawing forth the
katana which symbolized her power as a Harbringer. Koji and
Yukiko looked a little grossed out by that.
     Tejina gave the sword a few practice swings and, satisfied by
the swishing noise it made, turned to the others. "Onward!"

                                 *

     Pandemonium. That was the only word for it. Lightning tore
through the sky, chunks of earth broke from the ground and
floated upward, and the black sun bathed the illusory forest with
a sickly glow.
     Had it been the real world, they might have been scared. As
it was, the Seals were merely disturbed. Never before had their
control over the dream world been challenged so strongly. The
very trees seemed to follow Kireiko's will, striking at them with
their brittle limbs.
     "Let's change the venue, she says," sneered Daichi.
     "I am not hearing better suggestions from you," shouted back
Hasami.
     "Aaah!" shouted Gary. A tree had actually managed to get a
grip on him. Hasami made quick work of it with her scissors.
     "We have to be leaving," she said.
     "Then start running!" said Daichi.
     Hasami ignored him. "Take us back," she told Gary.
     "Just give me a moment to concentrate..." He closed his eyes,
but before he could exert his will, the ground shifted beneath
him. "Woah! Hey!"
     "I *told* you to start running," Daichi complained. "Can't
hope to concentrate when squid-boy's raining death upon us." He
blinked. "There's that parrot again."
     "Where?"
     "Lying on its side, under that--"
     Suddenly, they were back in the forest, near Hanaki and
Yoshimichi.
     "--tree. What just happened?"
     "Something sent us back," said Gary. He shuddered. "I hope
*it* can deal what that thing."
     Nearby, Hanaki shifted uncomfortably. "Could you please untie
me?" she asked timidly.
     Hasami shrugged and started heading over, but Daichi held up
a hand. "She may still be useful as a hostage."
     For a moment, the air shimmered around them and they could
hear what sounded like distant nuclear testing. A bright pinhole
in reality opened a meter off the ground.
     "Oh my," said Gary.
     "Nothing good will come of that," predicted Daichi.
     A moment later, the portal opened and disgorged Kireiko,
looking a bit bedraggled. "THAT ONE SHALL NOT ESCAPE HIS FATE,"
he told them, "BUT IT IS NOT YET HIS TIME. IT IS YOUR TIME."
      Hanaki watched as Kireiko proceeded to kick the Seals around
and whispered, "What have you become, Kireiko?"

                                 *

     "Do you hear fighting?" asked Tejina. She was still in the
lead, using her katana occasionally to push bushes aside.
     "Not anymore," said Yukiko. She was walking a few paces
behind to avoid getting hit with the branches swinging back into
place once Tejina let go.
     "Neither do I. That worries me."
     "Maybe they stopped to catch their breath," suggested Koji.
"That fight sounded awfully tiring."
     "I don't think it's that... simple..." She trailed off,
stunned by the sight before her. In a loose pile were four of the
Seals, bruised and unmoving. Nearby, tied to a tree was Hanaki,
her mouth open in silent terror. Standing before her was a figure
recognizable as Kireiko only by his proximity to Hanaki and his
studded leather jacket. Alerted by a gasp from Yukiko, the host
of Cthulhu slowly turned towards them. His stance was loose, but
his eyes were hard. Around his mouth grew long tentacles that
hung towards the ground like some hideous goatee.
     "YOU ARE FORTUNATE, IN THAT YOU WILL NOT LIVE TO SEE YOUR
FRIENDS AND RELATIVES DIE," he said. As he spoke, his
mouth-tentacles writhed and smacked, dripping ichor towards the
earth where they hissed and smoked among the dried leaves. It was
the most disturbing thing Tejina had seen since that time Becky
found her mother's autographed Marilyn Manson albums.
     With a smooth motion, Tejina drew her pager and activated it.

                                 *

     "Iiittt'sss Tttiiimmmeee," said Pepper, the pager shaking his
fishbowl so violently that one would think the water would fly
all over the floor. (One would be wrong, in this case, as the
fishbowl in question is enchanted.)
     "They've found Kireiko?" asked Aki, hefting the World's
Strongest Ofuda.
     "Either that or someone's feeling sadistic," observed her
canary advisor, Charles.
     Before Aki could shush him, Tejina's younger brother stepped
into the room and froze. Unsure how to react to a young girl in a
short skirt holding a giant sheet of paper, a canary sitting on
her shoulder, and a floating goldfish bowl, he silently turned
and stepped back out.
     "Right," said Aki. "Let's go."

                                 *

     Tejina had hoped to transform back into Sailor Delight before
getting involved in any violence, but Kireiko had struck more
rapidly than she had imagined possible. After dodging
acid-enhanced blows from his longer tentacles, she managed a few
swings of her own. For some reason, he shied away from her sword,
even though he could grow new tentacles as fast as she could
slice them. Yukiko had tried her snowdrift attack, but Kireiko
surprised her by running *into* the attack and tackling her. Koji
had pretty much been hiding behind trees since then, obviously
unconvinced about the effectiveness of thrown dandelions in
combat.
     Tejina knew she couldn't keep retreating forever. She was
surrounded by trees, after all. Eventually she would corner
herself. She needed time to transform; her unschooled swordplay
wouldn't hold him off forever.
     "YOUR ATTEMPTS TO STALL ARE FUTILE," Kireiko told her as he
effortlessly avoided a sword thrust. "YOUR FRIENDS WILL PROVE AS
INEFFECTIVE AS YOU, SHOULD THEY TRY TO SAVE YOU."
     Tejina quickly truncated a tentacle that had ventured too
close to her leg. "I can do without the inane taunts," she
growled.
     "FOOL. YOU SPEAK TO ONE WHO HAS TAUNTED SINCE BEFORE YOUR
RACE COULD WALK UPRIGHT."
     Sensing an opportunity, Tejina kicked a rock into his face.
Kireiko cried out, clapping his hands over his eyes, and Tejina
rushed in, katana at the ready. She had reached striking distance
and begun a swing at his shoulder, when the host of Cthulhu
suddenly grabbed her by the waist and threw her into a tree.
Somewhere nearby, she heard Koji gasp, but she was too absorbed
in her pain to tell where. She had forgotten how much being
Sailor Delight shielded her from pain.
     Kireiko did not smirk as he headed towards her, although it
was difficult to be certain with all the tentacles ringing his
mouth. His expression had not changed during the whole fight,
even when she struck him. It was unnerving.
     Tejina struggled to her feet, but Kireiko had a tentacle
around her neck almost before she noticed. "NOW YOUR STRUGGLE
ENDS," he said flatly. Tejina screwed her eyes shut in pain,
which was fortunate as the forest was suddenly filled with
blinding white light.
     "Summoned via pager, I am SAILOR JOY!"
     With a growl, Kireiko hurled Tejina at the newcomer. "LIKE
MOTHS, YOU ARE DRAWN TO THE FLAME," he spat.
     "Oh yeah?" said Aki. "Well, uh, your mother dresses you
funny."
     "FOOL. YOU SPEAK TO ONE WHO HAS DRESSED HIMSELF SINCE BEFORE
YOUR RACE COULD ACCURATELY COUNT ITS FINGERS."
     Tejina clambered to her feet and clapped her fellow sailor on
the back. "Distract him for a moment, I need to transform."
     Aki nodded, although she didn't look happy at the prospect of
fighting Kireiko by herself. While Tejina rushed off a few feet,
Aki struck again with her Joyful Cleansing Light. As before, the
white light filled the forest but failed to counteract Cthulhu's
influence on their friend.
     While Aki dodged Kireiko's blows, Tejina searched her pockets
for her transformation pen. With a sense of dread, she realized
she couldn't remember where she had put it. It wasn't as though
she had a great many pockets; the fact that it wasn't in *any* of
them meant she must have dropped it somewhere in the forest. Why
couldn't she have had a broach, like Aki, or a purely mental
transformation like Becky?
     "What are you looking for?" asked Koji quietly.
     Tejina blinked. She had forgotten the dandelion-hurling lad
was with them. "I can't find my transformation pen."
     "It isn't that pen clipped to your collar?"
     Startled, Tejina pulled the pen from her collar and examined
it. "So it is." Picking up her sword, she held the pen over her
head and clicked the button on top. On cue, the familiar rush of
energy transformed her into Sailor Delight. Sort of.
     "Is that a new costume?" asked Koji.
     Somehow, her usual sailor fuku had gained armored plating on
her shoulders, chest, and thighs. "This is new to me," she said.
"Maybe the sword influenced the transformation somehow." She took
a few steps, and found that her shoes had become hiking boots.
Not a fashion she would have chosen, although she could recognize
their utility in the forest.
     "All right," she said, "now where's the fighting at?"
     Actually, it looked like there wasn't any fighting. Hanaki
was still staring into space, Yukiko lay unmoving on the ground,
Kireiko was staring into Aki's eyes from a meter away, and Aki
was just standing there, being stared at.
     "He must be trying to hypnotize her, or something," said
Koji.
     "Well, we'll see about that. CARDO SWARU!"
     Unfortunately, Kireiko was agile enough to dodge her attack,
even at this range. Fortunately, he *wasn't* agile enough to
dodge Yukiko's follow-up attack. The host of Cthulhu found
himself encased in solid ice, unable to move. Yukiko gave Tejina
the V-for-Victory sign and rolled onto her back.
     "I am so beat," she said.
     "I suspect we haven't won yet," Tejina replied. She turned to
Aki, who was still staring forward, a hollow look in her eyes.
Like Hanaki was, come to think of it. "Koji! Go free Hanaki!"
     "Uh, right!"
     Tejina snapped her fingers in Aki's face a few times. "Hello?
You there?"
     Cracks were starting to form in Kireiko's ice prison.
     "Aki? You have to snap out of this. The fight isn't over
yet."
     "It doesn't matter," said Aki distantly. "Even if we win,
we're doomed. Our descendents may know peace, but eventually he
will return and destroy all we have worked to save."
     "This is not the time for morbid philosophy!"
     Behind her, the ice block shattered. Kireiko burst forward
and punched her right in the backplate.
     "OW! SINcE WHEN DO YOu HAVE ArMOR?"
     Tejina didn't so much answer as elbow him in the gut,
following with a punch to the face that sent him staggering back.
"Where's the ofuda?" she called, ducking under a tentacle. He was
weakening, which meant they needed to move now. Before he gave
anyone else existential angst.
     Her sword was on the ground somewhere behind her, but that
didn't matter. If she could keep distracting him with physical
assaults, someone else might be able to tag him. She blocked
another tentacle and pulled back for another punch, but suddenly
the blocked tentacle had a grip on her arm.
     "LOOK, BAbE," said Kireiko, "IT'S BEEN FUN, buT NOW YOU'RE
GonNA DIE."
     Holding her with his tentacles, he slugged her. Twice. Tejina
concentrated on not biting her tongue. She noticed Koji sneaking
around with the World's Strongest Ofuda, so she kept her eyes
locked on Kireiko's. He looked angry--unh!--like the Kireiko she
used to know. The non-evil-alien-god-possessed one. Hopefully,
that meant Cthulhu's influence was weakening. Certainly, she was
feeling weak.
     He smirked. "NONE WILL LIVE TO SAY yOU DIED BRAVELY."
     "Demon, BEGONE!" shouted Koji, slamming the World's Strongest
Ofuda onto Kireiko's back. The effect was startling. Kireiko
stiffened, like he had stepped on a live wire. Tendrils of white
energy crawled over his skin, and when they vanished he collapsed
onto the ground, unconscious.
     No longer held up, Tejina also collapsed. "That," she said,
"took *way* too long." Koji picked his way over and helped her to
her feet.
     "I got Hanaki loose," he said, "but she's just staring into
space."
     "That's Cthulhu's doing," Tejina guessed. She turned to Aki,
who was holding her head in her hands. "Are you okay?"
     "I have a headache."
     "Right. I'll go check on Hanaki." Leaving Aki and Koji to
watch over Kireiko, Tejina picked up her sword walked back to
Hanaki. She was maybe two-thirds of the way there when a sudden
instinct told her to duck. She did, and a sword swished over her
head. Springing forward, she spun around and brought her own
sword up.
     "Yoshimichi," she said flatly.
     "Well met, Harbringer," said the leader of the Seals. He
appeared to be alone, which was probably not a good sign. "I
would congratulate you on your victory, except that I'm about to
kill you, and... well, you know how it is. It's awkward."
     "Have I mentioned that I really dislike you?" She could see
figures moving in her peripheral vision, which meant they had
flanked her.
     "I would be hurt, except that you won't be disliking
*anything* in a few moments." He raised his sword. Tejina raised
hers, uncomfortably aware that the attack might come from the
back. She took a step backwards. A gunshot rang through the
clearing.
     Yoshimichi paused. "What was that?"
     Tejina pointed at the other side of the clearing. Sailor
Rapture stood there in sailor fuku and trenchcoat, carrying a
glowing sword in one hand and an automatic rifle in the other.
Arrayed behind her were the Dragon Childe, who looked like they
might burst into violence or song at a moment's notice. Next to
them was Rover, who tried his best to look mean.
     "All right, punks," Becky drawled, "who wants some?"
     Yoshimichi ran a hand through his hair and smiled. "I assure
that none of us want what you're offering." He nodded at Tejina.
"I guess we'll continue this another time. After that battle with
Cthulhu, we all deserve some rest."
     With that, the Seals limped off.
     "We should follow them," Becky said.
     Tejina gestured to Hanaki, Kireiko, Aki, and Yukiko. "Another
time. First, we should get them home." Plus, she was tired and
hungry. And she was going to be in a lot of pain once the
adrenaline wore off.
     "We're here!" shouted Matsuro, as he, Keiko, Sakyou, and
Yoruko leapt into the clearing. Tejina and Becky looked at him
blankly. "Let me guess. We missed the whole thing, right?"
     "Pretty much."
     From underneath the World's Strongest Ofuda, Kireiko gave a
reassuringly human-sounding groan.

                                 *

     It was a weary crew which finally returned Kireiko to his
home. His parents were surprised to see their sun returned by
thirteen teenagers and a dog, but his mother offered some tea and
cookies while his father checked him over. Kireiko had returned
to his human proportions, but he kept muttering, "He's still
here," which no one took as a positive sign.
     Still, Matsuro felt better than he had earlier that day. When
the word came that Kireiko had been found, the Yoruko had thought
he was having some sort of seizure and tried to give him
mouth-to-mouth. Predictably, this inflamed Keiko's temper, and
eventually Sakyou had to separate the two. After a "brief" phone
call to get the location from Ayame, they rushed to the forest,
arriving just in time to completely miss the battle.
     Kireiko needed rest, was the pronouncement from his father.
No one really believed it would be that simple, but there was an
unspoken agreement not to discuss it further. Leaving Kireiko's
house, their group split: Sakyou and Yoruko had har to deliver,
the Dragon Childe had big secret things to do that they refused
to elaborate on, and Koji needed to get home before his mother
started hiring private detectives to find him.
     "She can get really worried," he said. Matsuro couldn't
dismiss it as complete hyperbole. After all, even that would be
normal compared to *his* family.
     The remainder retreated to Tejina's home, where her parents
would have demanded to know where she had been all day, except
that they caught a glimpse of Tejina standing next to Hanaki and
Yukiko and decided they really didn't want to know. Hanaki was
still spooked, which put a damper on any potential victory
celebrations. Becky and Yukiko stayed at Tejina's for a few
hours, while Matsuro walked Aki and Keiko home.
     That was less simple than it sounded, since Aki's father, his
minions, and a good chunk of the Darkverse were at Aki's house
and burst into spontaneous celebration once they brought her
home. Matsuro and Keiko left early, telling tales of homework
still incomplete.
     Matsuro stayed with Keiko a bit longer, but the details
aren't very interesting. They actually did study for part of the
time.
     Finally, Matsuro returned home. Alone. The way he liked it.
There had been times in his recent life when his apartment had
seemed more like a wacky boarding house, with him cast in the
role of frazzled landlord, but those times were over. He smiled
to himself as he finished climbing the stairs and searched for
his keys. A quiet, empty apartment was just what he needed. No
dwarves, no Valkyries, no creepy albino swordsmen, and no dead
relatives hanging around. Just him and three girls in sailor
fuku.
     "Greetings, Duke Midnight," said Sailor Light. "We've come to
discuss your Banner."
     Ah. So much for quiet.

                                 *

CAN KIREIKO OVERCOME CTHULHU'S INFLUENCE?
WILL HANAKI RECOVER HER CHEERFUL DISPOSITION?
WILL TEJINA EVER FIND TRUE LOVE?
WHAT EVIL PLANS DO THE DARKVERSE SAILORS HAVE IN STORE FOR
MATSURO?

Hopefully, all these questions and more will be answered in the
next seven episodes! ('Cause after that, the series is over...)

-----

Well, I finally wrote a Kireiko-centered episode. Sort of. As
usual, the end result bears little resemblance to my original
ideas, which is probably for the best. The reappearance of the
Seals may have surprise people who remember my long diatribes
about how Do-Gooders was drowning in its own cast list, but I
have my reasons. At least I put them back once I was done. Like
Kireiko, the Seals never really got a chance to shine before
getting pushed aside by newer developments.
Anyway, I apologize for the low humor level. Sometimes the funny
bone speaks to you, and sometimes it is frustratingly silent.

Dave Menendez
25-Jan-2000

<http://www.eyrie.org/~zednenem/>