-=*=- Humanity was a petty mess. Bureaucracies were at each other's throats... militaries were on the verge of pouncing on one another. Global turmoil and strife were at an all time high. Economies teetered on the brink of collapse; society everywhere faced imminent meltdown. And then Second Impact occured, and peace reigned... But only because everyone was busy trying not to drown. When everybody had effectively gotten good, dry real estate, it quickly promised to be the same old cabbage again anyway. But then THIRD IMPACT happened... And that was even worse. -=*=- BEHOLD! SHINJI'S ALTERNATE UNIVERSES ŻŻŻŻŻŻŻŻŻŻŻŻŻŻŻŻŻŻŻŻŻŻŻŻŻŻŻŻ a philosophical exercise wherein one might deeply reflect upon the oneness of all of existence, its every possible mix, form and manifestation, plus maybe even some shoujoai LUVLUV ŻŻŻŻŻŻ first contemplated by the Dalai Lama Farsan de Arnibia these particular meditations by Guru Mads Chapter Four: Cruel Angel's Dissertation ŻŻŻŻŻŻŻŻŻŻŻŻŻŻŻŻŻŻŻŻŻŻŻŻŻŻŻŻŻŻŻŻŻŻŻŻŻŻŻŻ -=*=- "Tang." "Kool Aid." "TANG." "KOOL AID." "For the last time, Shinji-baka, the stuff is TANG, and you're going to agree with me if you don't want my foot stomping on your spleen through up your ass," came the sweet, resonant snarl across the vast empty waste that was one of the many LCL beaches of post-Third Impact Earth. A gentle breeze sprayed sand on the previous run-on sentence, blinded it, and then took its girlfriend away. "Sorry, Asuka, but I've never been surer of anything in my life," Shinji said firmly, pointing a finger at the sea of orange before them. A wave lapped at his shoe and the boy regarded the stain of moisture on it a moment before returning his determined gaze to bear on the irate redhead. "The stuff is Kool Aid." "It's TANG." "Kool Aid," came the calm reply. "You sure you don't want to change your mind?" "Positive." "You picked a hell of a time to grow a backbone, Shinji-baka," Asuka noted as she stalked towards the Ikari, clenching her fists and rolling up her sleeves. WOMPBAMPOWCRUNCH "The composition is significantly more viscous than either beverage, even in states of supersaturation." Asuka halted in her manhandling of Shinji to stare at the source of the monotonous drawl. Rei Ayanami stared back, looking a thousand times more lively than she'd ever looked. And anyone knows that anything times zero is still zero. "The fluid exhibits the characteristics of unset gelatin, with the relative lubricative properties of castor oil, and the slight flavor of diluted cough syrup," Rei informed them as Shinji utilized the lull in the festivities to cough up sand. There was a brief pause. "It's liquid spam," Rei concluded. Both Shinji and the teenage Soryuu were too busy falling onto the sand simultaneously to notice the new arrival into their collective midst. "Hey, Shinji-kun," Kensuke greeted amiably as he adjusted his glasses in a meaningless gesture merely designed to remind the reader that they were there. "Hey, way to go making the ground shake from falling like that. And here I thought sand was the best ground type for absorbing impacts. Hey, Asuka-chan. I didn't know you liked printed panties. I sure do. Err... not that I wear them myself or anything... I've always been a big fan of Winnie the PooOOF--" The next moment found Kensuke involuntarily making like an ostrich, burying his head in the sand while Shinji did one of the things he was actually talented at-- pleading. "Come on, Asuka... quit it. He'll suffocate," Shinji pointed out as Kensuke Aida's form writhed in Asuka's iron embrace. "He really couldn't help it-- you're wearing a skirt, and you fell over, and..." Asuka went on muttering something about a "peeping fee". -=*=- "Funny how being part of an all-encompassing soup of homogenized consciousness can make you miss your body, ne?" Kensuke idly remarked, stretching out his arm to marvel at its striking ordinariness. Life was a magical new thing, especially after being buried two feet in the sand (headfirst) for a full fifteen minutes. "Yeah, we come here more and more often, too," Shinji sighed. "Some Great Idea your dad had, Shinji-baka," Asuka snorted from her position, standing beside the two high-school boys sitting on the sand. Folding her arms around her annoyedly, she went on. "I mean, didn't he think it over? If people hated each other with their AT fields and miles of distance separating them, what would happen if you actually LUMPED them together in a gnarled glut of mismatched people both living AND dead?" "Yes," Rei said, simply stating aloud a random thought, not actually contributing to the conversation. "In Complementation, all souls became one, including those that have already left their bodies in the past." "Yeah, it was pretty nasty, those first few days," Shinji admitted, sweatdropping slightly. "NASTY!?" Asuka shrieked, kicking mineral granules into the boy's lap. "I was convinced that I was Mahatma Gandhi in a tutu before everyone FINALLY managed to get their individualities straight!! And AFTER that, all HELL just broke loose." "Yeah, it was pretty... nasty, those first few days," Shinji admitted, sweatdropping again, forming a much larger teardrop shape beside his head. "The MONGOLS allied with the NAZIS against the returned spirits of NATO, KARL MARX and the CRUSADES," Asuka deadpanned. "It mellowed out after awhile," Shinji said, barely maintaining a good- natured grin. "It's peaceful now, isn't it? No one can kill anyone else anymore." "Care to test that theory?" Asuka challenged, suddenly aggravated at Shinji's contradictions. "Haven't found anything to do yet, huh?" Kensuke remarked, half lazily, half an attempt to avert murder. "Yes they have," Rei answered. "Can't you see? Mister Shinji and Miss Asuka are engaged in a sniping exercise as a camouflage for their undying passion for each other, which will all undoubtedly end in hot, steamy intercourse under a blanket of stars. It is a common anime theme and human mating ritual." ... All three spoke at once. "W-WHAT IN THE *HELL* ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, AYANAMI!!?" Asuka sputtered, turning several shades redder than even her darkest plugsuit. "Hey, wow, you just broke the fourth wall!" Kensuke exclaimed, clapping his hands once. "Well, I suppose since Commander Ikari's broken every other wall conceivable, I guess that's the next logical step... say, can you teach me? Over dinner perhaps?" "Gee, really?" Shinji asked with some hope in his voice, leaning over towards where Rei was sitting. "But then we wouldn't end up together or anything, right? I mean, she's a pain in the neck, but an isolated case of sex really wouldn't hur--" Asuka's fist ground onto his scalp with a heavy THOK, and all three silenced to stare fixedly at Rei, who shrugged. "I've been sorely repressed," she said emotionlessly. "Or haven't you noticed?" They facefaulted. Asuka turned to look down at Shinji with a dubious look on her face. "Besides, everyone knows that Shinji-baka fancies Kaworu-kun." It was Shinji's turn to sputter. Asuka smiled impishly. "I've had a chance to see the memory playbacks in Complementation, you know." "I'm STRAIGHT!" Shinji protested, and then a dark light went into his eyes. "Or don't you remember that night we bunked together?" Asuka put a thoughtful finger to her lips. "Oh, yeaaaah, thaaat. Sneaky, but definitely straight how you tried to kiss me while I was asleep." She smiled. "I don't believe I've payed you back properly for that one yet." Shinji raised his hands placatively as he backed away slowly. "Anyway, how come you didn't come back to #NERV?" Kensuke asked in a sudden bout of Returning To The Chapter's Plot, a rare viral disease that struck characters every now and then before creating its own antibodies and eradicating itself in a matter of moments. "Didn't like the last roleplaying session?" "It was an unmitigated disaster," Rei said. "No one got to taste the loaf I made for dinner." Shinji frowned. "It was fun, but really, I'm getting tired of all these Western cartoons." "Speak for yourself," Asuka said loftily. "Any session where I get to beat on inferior clones of mine is a good session." "Then why don't you make a role world wherein you get to do nothing but that?" Kensuke quizzed her. Asuke just stared at him. "F-forget I asked," Kensuke swallowed, withering before her gaze. Regaining his composure, he turned to the group. "Listen, I've got an idea," he said cheerily, a finger in the air. "If you guys're gonna roleplay for the rest of eternity, why don't you try doing it the RIGHT way?" "What do you mean?" Shinji asked, interested. "Well, there's a specialized system that allows you to be any character you want to be!" Kensuke began to say, eager now that Shinji appeared amenable to the idea. "Well, not really, not exactly. Anyway, it lets you create a base character which you can play to gain experience on quests to become stronger and gain better abilities!" "Hey, that actually sounds sugoi, four-eyes," Asuka commented, plopping down to sit beside them. "Where's the game from?" "It's American," Kensuke grinned. "I learned it from an exchange student we used to have and I used to play it with my roleplaying buddies in school before they all moved away after that one Angel incident." "Silly Americans," Rei said sleepily, staring out at the orange sea. "Well, how bad can it be?" Asuka exhaled, standing up, putting both hands on the small of her back and then stretching. It accomplished nothing plotwise, and it really wasn't necessary for the paragraph to deliver its message, but it provided a lovely view, certainly. "Let's go try it." -=*=- Bodies ... Dissolved RE-ENTRY INTO COMPLEMENTATION ... Complete * Now talking in #aidasworld * Topic is 'Your balls are mine. BWAHAHAHAHAAA.' * Set by Kensuke on Wed Oct 23 16:03:31 [16:30]<@Kensuke> Okay, folks-- I'm going to make this a little simpler for you guys since you're beginners. As your DM, or Dungeon Master, I expect you guys to be courteous, obedient, and cooperative for I am your GO-- [16:30] ei, check it out, shinji-baka. kaworu-kun's in the nicklist. he's idling, though. why don't you go... wake him up? hehehehe. [16:31]<@Kensuke> HEY-- since when was it possible to interrupt anyone in IRC!? Awww... and the "I am your God" speech's supposed to be the best part in initiating noobs. [16:31] ... [16:45] PING? PONG! [17:00] PING? PONG! [17:12] shinji? yooohoooo * Shinji128 slaps asuka around with a bit of trout. [17:13] oh, that's really mature. -=*=- * Temporal subdimension "Evangelions and Dragons" created * * Empty save state protocol used: Loading universe data ... ... done * * Waiting for other souls: * * Asuka joins * Kensuke joins * Rei joins * Shinji joins * * Assigning roles ... done * * Initiating dice engine ... done * * START! -=*=- "This is certainly... different," Shinji Lightstaff muttered, observing his environments. "Hey, Shinji-baka!" Asuka squealed with delight. "You're wearing a *dress*!!!" "It is NOT a dress," Shinji sniffed, tugging at his wear. "It is a medieval holy robe. You've looked through the character class options Kensuke-san showed us, right? I'm Shinji Lightstaff, Lv 4 Cleric... I come from the high mountains specializing in healing magic to escape the hypocrisy of the temples--" "NO, you IMBECILE," Asuka interrupted him. "Don't you think I KNOW what robes look like? You're ACTUALLY WEARING A DRESS." Shinji finally looked down. "EEP." "Pink really doesn't suit you," Rei observed as Shinji vanished before their very sight, plunging neckline and all. -=*=- * Player Shinji has left the game (Client closed connection) * Shinji has connected "It's about time you came back, baka," Asuka greeted as a robed boy materialized before her. "Kensuke here just showed up. Looks like he finally found his way." "I was TRYING to fix the bug that got Shinji," Kensuke huffed, a little indignant. He looked around at what he wrought. "Hmmn. This is *definitely* different from tabletop. I hope nothing ELSE goes wrong." "Amen to that," Shinji mumbled, done with the inspection of his clothing. He drew a short staff from his equipment to see whether it had turned into a sausage or some other thing equally as symbolic. Asuka looked the magic-user up and down. "Hmph. A priest. Somehow, I'm not surprised," she appraised. "Hopeful Kaworu might join as a nice, sweet choir boy?" "WILL YOU LAY OFF WITH THE KAWORU THING ALREADY!!?" Asuka snickered... and then reaaaally noticed Rei for the first time. "What... are you wearing?" she asked when, after a few moments, Rei hadn't magically grown other clothes. The young girl's pale blue hair had been dyed a slick, oily black. Her school uniform had been replaced by something much more... exotic. Only a dark black vest with no undershirt covered her upper torso, and one really couldn't rationalize why she had armour on her shoulders, but none anywhere else. Lower wear consisted of a strip of the same black material dangling below the belt, and another strip for the back. Only speculation provided anything underneath THAT. To top it all off, Rei now wore long gloves, stocking boots and sported foot-long steel claws on each hand. "I am Reina Ayalnamique," she monotoned, indicating her garb. "Lv 5 Assassin from the Far Lands. I am a seasoned but silent killer, and the ways of the world are no stranger to me. I seek nothing but true power and the riches promised by high adventure." "I... see..." Asuka facetwitched. Shinji eyed Asuka. "And YOU'RE supposed to be?" "Isn't it obvious?" the half-German bristled. She held her hands out, brandishing the spear she carried, the shield she brought. She twirled to showcase her braids, the skintight leather. "I'm an Amazon." A wind blew across the silence that followed. The silence tripped it and then took its candy. "There is NO Assassin OR Amazon in Evangelions and Dragons," Shinji deadpanned at Kensuke. "Oh, stop whining. I've made some... improvements," the DM explained flippantly. "ALRIGHT-- let's get this show on the road." "Fine." "Hai." "Let's roll." *ahem* "You are in a tavern," Kensuke began, his voice taking on a low, eerie quality as he began his tale. Suddenly, from a nondescript meadow, the four found themselves in a busy inn. Glasses tinkled and chairs rubbed against the floor. The smell of mead and ale was heavy in the air. Drunken laughter split the crowd's din and punctuated the merry music from the jukebox by the cor * Universe modification option activated ... ... ... done performing minstrels by the corner. "Sorry about that," Kensuke said sheepishly. Shinji looked around. "Judging from how well these barmaids are stacked, I'd say we're somewhere in ancient Europe. The Netherlands, perhaps." "And I thought *I* was well-developed," Asuka said, making a face. "Who designed this game anyway? I'm kinda doubtful any of them ever got the chance to base this on any REAL girl..." "Silly Americans," Rei monotoned. "The talk is gay and--" Kensuke saw Shinji trying to say something. "You DO know the word meant 'happy' first, right? RIGHT. Now... the talk is gay and light... mostly about the kingdom's harvests being one of the richest yet this year, and talk of the next king being a ruler in a time of plenty. However, snatches of darker events begin to waft their way to your ears..." "My friends," Shinji said, leaning on the counter. "Snatches of darker events have wafted their way to mine ears." "Let us hear thou, o noble moron," Asuka invited as she sipped from a tankard of cider. "Yonder villagers talk of their orchards and farms," Shinji whispered. "However, the discussion turned black when one mentioned the caves to the south of the town. Apparently, another villager has died within its general vicinity." "They are the Caves of the Damned," Reina provided. "They are marked on several maps of this place as dangerous territory for locals and travellers alike. Perhaps it is best not to pry." "You surprise me, child," Shinji blinked. "I thought you would be the first to decide that the accumulated treasure from all those who have run afoul of the Caves would be more than tempting enough for a short look." "There's a lot of treasure right here," Reina said pointedly. The two sweatdropped. "Uh... let's... try to take the one from those who won't be needing it anymore for the meantime, shall we?" Shinji laughed weakly, taking a cloth from his robe and wiping his face with it. "I, for one, would like to inspect the place and see what it is that claims the lives of so many innocents. If it is a disturbed soul, perhaps I may put it to rest if I can." "Oh, fine. I, too, shall bite," Asuka sniffed. "My destroyed village demands VENGEANCE and perhaps the foul minion which maybe lurketh in mentioned Caves may provide clues to the greater evil responsible." -=*=- [18:02] Hey... I'm actually having fun so far. [18:02] where're all the bad guys??? i want to KILL tings!!!!!!! [18:03]<@Kensuke> Hold on-- you were drinking the cider, right? You have to roll for drunkenness. [18:03] what???? why? [18:04]<@Kensuke> It's a drink expressed from Vinidian apples-- strong stuff. ROLL. Twenty-sided die, higher than ten saves. Plus seven bonus to your roll. [18:05] oh, FINE [18:05] 1d20 [18:05] Asuka has rolled a "2". [18:05] DAMN [18:06]<@Kensuke> Player Asuka has movement penalties for the next five turns and die rolls. [18:07]* rei sidles up to Asuka. [18:07]* rei begins playing with her hair. [18:07] ... [18:08] ... [18:08] okay, what in the hell was THAT?????? [18:09] I'm being in-character. The Assassin, Reina Ayanalnique has acquired an open mind in her travels and her tastes have become... unusual... to those with secular minds. Besides that, all mercenaries are opportunistic, and this one has decided that it has been too long since her last.. [18:10] ... [18:10] ... [18:11] You know. [18:11] dont touch me,you [18:12]* rei reaches for Asuka's waist... [18:12] NO!!!!!! STAY BACK!!!!!! [18:12]* Asuka recoils [18:13]<@Kensuke> HOLD IT-- roll for that action. [18:14] ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR GOURD!? [18:14]<@Kensuke> One roll, twenty-sided die-- higher than five saves. Same plus seven bonus. [18:14] DEAL. [18:14] 1d20 [18:15] Asuka rolls a "10". [18:15] HAH! [18:15]<@Kensuke> But wait! There's still your Drunkenness penalty... Oh, look... it comes down to a three. You and Reina are new best friends for the rest of the session. [18:16] WHY, YOU CONNIVING PERVERT I OUGHTA-- ŬÍ§ù˙ÌÓ%ŝ [18:17]<@Kensuke> Okay... uhm... you guys leave the inn for the Caves. [18:17] Right. [18:17]<@Kensuke> You three roll for physical obstructions. [18:18] physical WHAT? [18:18]<@Kensuke> It IS a pretty crowded bar. Go on, just roll. [18:18] 1d20 [18:18] Shinji has rolled a "1". [18:18]<@Kensuke> Ooohhh... bad luck, Shinji. Critical failure. Shinji Lightstaff has stepped on a dwarf's foot and he's taken it personally. A barroom brawl ensues. [18:19] ... -=*=- "Congratulations, folks," Kensuke said cheerily. "You've just survived your first encounter!" The troop was now a couple of miles from the site of the earlier riot, but Shinji was still panting from exertion and mortal terror. "W-what kind of barroom brawl was *that*!?" he choked when he finally managed enough breath to whine in his usual manner. "What in HADES were a LICH, a BEHOLDER, and fifteen BUGBEARS *doing* in a human inn!?" "HEY-- if you don't suspend your disbelief when it comes to the smallest thing that seems unbelievable in fiction, then you'll never get to enjoy anything at all," Kensuke scolded the player. "Besides, Asuka-chan liked them." "Yeah! Quit thine bitching, grand fool," Asuka chortled from behind them. "They were good for a whole bunch of EXP." "Yes. Experience," Rei said, still latching onto Asuka's arm. The Eva-pilot-turned-Amazon whirled to face her DM. "I'm STILL killing you for this, though." *sweatdrop* "Uhm... OKAY," Kensuke said, exhibiting a shaky smile. "LOOK! You guys're almost to the caves. What do you want to do?" "CHARGE IN MINDLESSLY TO THE FRAY!" "Call out politely for whatever entity who holds dominion over the territory to show himself that we may have an audience." "Flit in and among the shadows to observe the lay of the land and whatever threat may be present in the area." Kensuke ...'ed. "This is going to be a looooong session..." -=*=- CHIBI ASUKA: Hold on! We can't end this now! Not with a stinking cliché!! CHIBI REI: But the author's run out of ideas... and besides, his deadline's today. It has to end. CHIBI ASUKA: NO! I won't accept that! I want to kill things NOW, dammit! NOW!!! CHIBI SHINJI: I don't know... what if Kensuke gives us a flight of dragons to fight or something? CHIBI ASUKA: I don't care!!! I WANT TO PLAY SOME MORE! CHIBI REI: I shall make you forget all your desire for roleplaying. Come closer, my pet and I shall fill your world. CHIBI ASUKA: *scoots away* DON'T TOUCH ME, YOU. Chibi Asuka has executed action "Evade". Roll is "1". Critical fail. CHIBI ASUKA: AAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGHHHHHHHH-- -=*=- AND THE STORY GOES ON!! "Hey, look! You get to meet your first NPC assistant," Kensuke said, pointing out for them the figure loitering by the cave entrance. "KAJI-SAN!" Asuka cried out shrilly upon recognizing the man and the redhead took off towards him with a burst of energy. When she got a little closer however, her expression of joy turned to that of slack- jawed horror as she ground to a full stop. *blinkblink* "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIEEEEEKKKK!" "Nice to see you guys, too," the NERV errandboy/spy greeted the party. "Looks like Aida-kun over here found me a small role I can play a while. Nice of him, really." Asuka went on screaming, unheeded by the rest of them. Shinji stared unsurely at something on Kaji's forehead. Finally, he couldn't contain himself any longer and he raised a finger to indicate the thing that had caught his attention. "Y-you... Kaji-san... there's... uhh..." "Yes, Shinji-kun?" "You have a gaping gunshot wound on your forehead," Rei told him with a bluntness that made Shinji flinch. "Oh, THAT, well..." Kaji said a little sheepishly. "Seeing how I'd been killed a little shortly before Complementation, I guess I wasn't all that easily used to the idea of being alive again. I'm getting better at fixing a body for myself when I need it, though." Shinji's eyes narrowed as he peered at something closely on the other man. "Is it just me, or did that head wound just *move*?" "What head wound?" Kaji asked with genuine puzzlement, now sporting a hole in the very center of his ribcage. "Uhhh... nevermind," Shinji said, sweatdropping. From the background, Rei was saying something to a still screaming Asuka. "There, there... we've all seen horrors as this... but take comfort-- *I* don't have a fatal injury marring my physical comeliness..." Asuka suddenly materialized between Shinji and Kaji. "WHATHAPPENSNOW,QUICK," she demanded with a vehemence that neither Shinji nor Kaji were willing to challenge. *ahem* "Turn back, unwary adventurers," Kaji moaned in typically undead fashion. He broke character long enough to wink and nudge Kensuke, who was beside Shinji. "How's that for a performance, eh?" "Yes, yes, excellent," Kensuke complimented dryly, making a face. "Get on with it." *ahem* "Leave now before my master returns," Kaji groaned, now swaying on his feet as if only magic were holding him erect. "WHO is your master?" Shinji asked before Kaji could break character again. "Tell us-- who is it that holds dominion over these lands?" "[You now speak to I, Gramidorius. Tremble, mortals.]" *blinkblink* "Is it just me, or did Kaji's voice just change?" "[I choose to speak through the mediator of this human body, which was slain by a large injury to the abdomen]," Kaji said in his mock voice, a hand waving to gesture towards the prominent laceration on his belly. "[In this manner, I can understand your language, and you mine.]" Shinji shook his head of the sweatdrop that had formed by the side of his head and regarded Kaji respectfully. From what he'd gathered from Kensuke's briefing, dragons weren't to be trifled with, and that they were really, really vain. Best to do a little suckup. "We humbly inquire of you then, o great wyrm--" he began in a lofty, yet wholly kowtowing voice. "Have you any knowledge as regards the deaths of our kind around these regions?" "[HEAR THIS AND BE AWARE, SHORT-LIVED ONE]," Kaji-Gramidorius declared dramatically. "[It is I, Gramidorius, the green dragon, through mine magic who is responsible for this kingdom's prosperity! With my enchantment, the crops have grown and the harvests have been rich... However, this is not without its price. Anyone who strays into my territory I give the honor of becoming magical fuel for the sorcery that I blanket the country with. The mortal's sacrifice ensures that hundreds of thousands are fed and clothed for many months... all at the expense of just one life.]" "Interesting," Shinji murmured, but so that all could hear. "This is a peculiar moral dilemma. On the one hand, the slaughter of innocents cannot be allowed to continue... but on the other hand, countless lives are made better by the loss. But when do the needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few? Can the wants of the majority justify-" And then Gramidorius chose that moment to rear his green-scaled head out of the dark cave and into view. Now, Asuka Langley Soryuu/Asukanne Lani Screwyuu, having been fiddling with her braids idly in lieu of listening interestedly to Shinji's exchange, was somewhat bored by that point and raring for something to do. So you can probably understand what ran through her mind when she saw an ugly, horned reptilian head suddenly appear before them. "MONSTER!!! KILL!!!!" she roared, launching herself at the new target. "Asuka! No, wait!!!" Shinji screamed in panic. "Well... looks like we can skip the rolls for Dragon Fear," Kensuke muttered, adjusting his glasses. "Errr... and nevermind the initiative rolls, too. Looks like Asuka's got the wyrm totally by surprise." You know those transcendent moments where everything seems to just screech to a grinding halt, and you seem to be able to take in every detail of a particular scene, see it as if it were frozen in time? Well, this moment had Asuka in mid-air, her spear levelled at the dragon Gramidorius' eyes. Behind and below her, Shinji was staring on in mute horror even as Reina was rushing to the scene, claws at the ready. The moment passed... And another. And then another. "Hey, what gives!?" Asuka demanded, still suspended a couple of meters from the ground. She waved her spear around to strike at Gramidorius, but she was just out of reach. "I... I'm not sure," Shinji said. He was staring dubiously at Kaji, who had stopped all movement. The cleric waved his hand before the other man's face a few moments but got no response. "It... might be some kind of spell, or--" "Okay, Asuka," Kensuke said, making Shinji look. "Roll for Attack." "WHAT!!?" Asuka shrieked, outraged. "Why can't the Magi calculate these things for me? It spoils the flow, dammit!!!" "The Magi were destroyed, remember?" Shinji pointed out. "Hey, did I say the system was perfect?" Kensuke sniffed derisively. "Do you wanna play or not?" "FINE. !!@@#$$!!)_+(&$!!... uh... how DO I roll?" Suddenly, at the amazon's question, a blinding flash appeared above everyone's heads and someone... or *something* fell from the sky to smack gracelessly on the ground before the troop. The thing picked itself up, dusted itself off and then regarded the group cheerfully. "Hi! I'm Dansuke!" "THE DICEBOT? The dicebot is actually HERE?" Asuka asked with not a little incredulity on her voice. "What kind of screwed up system IS this? Don't answer that-- Dansuke, give me a roll, twenty-sided die." As miraculously as Dansuke had appeared, a huge twenty-sided die the size of a basketball solidified the dicebot's arms. "OOSHAAAAA!!!" the pink-clad wonder howled before tossing the blue die up into the air, where it spun a few seconds before falling prey to gravity and bonked Asuka on the head. "HEY!!! Watch it, you clod!" "Roll successful!" Kensuke yelled, pointing towards Asuka. All at once, dungeon time started again, and Asuka found herself speeding towards Gramidorius, weapon held ready. The dragon seemed stunned at the sheer brashness of the unrpovoked attack, Asuka noted. Her spearpoint made contact with hard, unyielding green scales, and-- And then they stopped. "What NOW!?" Asuka screamed, at the limit of her patience and floating once again in mid-air. "Uh... roll for damage?" Kensuke reminded her meekly, hiding behind Shinji, who didn't look too eager to be between Asuka and their DM. "DO IT, BOT," Asuka growled at Dansuke, who quickly procured the proper die and complied by rolling. "Five damage," Asuka frowned. "FIVE DAMAGE." "OOOOSHAAA!" Dansuke crowed. "You'll need much more MANLY rolls to damage a dragon so that it actually HURTS! OYAJIII!!!" "The dicebot's taunting us," Shinji said, facefaulting at the dicebot's behavior. "How does THAT work?" The universe returned to real time, and Asuka flew past the dragon's body, barely nicking the beast's hide in the process. The creature's eyes flared with rage as it turned to face the recovering Asuka. "[FOOLISH CHILD]," it seethed (through Kaji-- the actual dragon was hissing something in draconic), lumbering its way to where Asuka was rising. "[You will learn the price of insole--]" Rei had come up behind it as it was turning. Game Paused The dragon stopped moving, and Rei was caught in a pose suggesting that she was about to make an assault on the dragon's head. Dansuke, after a few random taunts, summoned the proper die and rolled for the assassin's attack. "My spear barely even TOUCHED him," Asuka called out. "What do you think those puny claws of yours can do against him?" "Hey, look! A twenty! Critical hit for Rei's Sneak Attack! Damage bonus and Gramidorius is now blind in one eye!" "You have GOT to be SHITTING me!" Asuke wailed, stomping the ground and bashing her spear on the nearby cave wall. "That is so NOT FAIR!!" Gramidorius screeched in agony as Rei somersaulted past his flailing head to land safely beside Asuka... whom she immediately swept up in a protective embrace. "I have saved thee from the dragon, fair damsel--" "EEEEK! LET GO! SHINJI!!? KENSUKE!!? HELP!!!" No one was paying her any attention, however. Shinji was turning to Kensuke even as Gramidorius was busy clawing at his gouged ocular equipment and Asuka was busy fighting off an amorous, but still strangely blank-expressioned Ayalmanique. "You DO realize that no amount of fighting can make Lv. 5 and 4 characters like ours win against a DRAGON this OLD, right?" Shinji prompted a tired-looking Kensuke. "I was going to make him ask you guys to find a magical creature to kill so he could use THAT instead of a human sacrifice," Kensuke sniffled. He had lowered his eyes and was poking the tips of his index fingers against each other. "How was *I* supposed to know that Asuka- chan doesn't like lizards?" Shinji sighed. "Well, I suppose it can't be helped." He began to prepare an offensive spell so that he could at least help out in the battle. Kensuke noticed something slightly offscreen. "Why is Dansuke roll/ taunting already?" And in a dizzying turn of events, with the kind of contrivedness that you only see in badly-written, vaguely chibi fanfiction, a gigantic purple foot crashed through the cave ceiling and onto Gramidorius, squishing him with a sick *SQUISH* sound. "OOOSHAAA!!! 25,465 damage! Now THAT'S a manly roll!" Dansuke cried, vanishing along with an actual 30,000-sided die. No... don't try to imagine it. Your head will just hurt. Shinji, Asuka, Rei, Kaji and Kensuke all stared. They'd have won first prize for a Synchronized Blinking event in the Olympics... except that the Olympics really doesn't have any events as imbecilic as that, and they weren't at the Olympics anyway. Maybe Synchronized Swimming... at the Winter Olympics. Kensuke was the first to speak. "Well..." he began, scratching at his chin with a twitchy smile on his face. "It IS Evangelions and Dragons..." They could only watch as Unit-01 roared once, and then went on its merry way to ravage countrysides for miles around. Already, small animals and larger forest creatures were retreating at the giant robot's advance through the woods. Only the agitated squawk of a couple of crows broke the silence of the caves. "So..." Shinji started, speaking to nobody in particular. "Anyone wanna go out for some cider?" Asuka answered by punching him in the face. -=*=- AUTHOR'S FURTHER ATTEMPTS AT DESTROYING YOUR MIND My SEVERE thanks to Dot Warner, Kenji and David Schwager for looking this over. Yeah, sure, they were supposed to as Workshoppers, but still, it was really nice of them regardless. ^_^ SEVERE thanks go to Cham as well for his MAD STORY ADMIN SKEELZ. You erred not in adding the wombat to your ranks, o deities of Impro. :) Severe, SEVERE thanks to the Lafing_Cat for checking the unfinished draft out. Yes, you were bored at the time, but your feedback was good-- OH! It was he who set me straight regarding certain die details in the story... up to a certain point. He didn't get a chance to look at the latter half of the draft, so all the mistakes are MY fault. I'm not as well-versed in Dungeons and Dragons as I SHOULD have been to attempt a part like this. XD Anyone who wants to know how someone can be "severely" thanked, come within convenient physical proximity of me. >:D DOT: Nah, I kinda like "Evangelions and Dragons" as a title. :) As for whether only NERV staff can create bodies for themselves... *shrug* Really depends on future authors' comedic needs. We shall see. :) OH-- dear readers, it was Dot who suggested the whole "Kaji as NPC with travelling gunshot wound" thing. So I guess you'll have to crucify HER for that. XD DAVID: Yes... I suppose the Lich was occupied with the Beholder and the Bugbears for everyone to have survived. :3 KENJI: Your Black Pack parts were excellent. Nyah. =p FARSAN DE ARNIBIA: You forgot the obligatory JINKIES joke in your part. Heehee. ^__^ Thanks, everyone! My health fluctuated as I was writing this, and I'm not entirely sure the overall end is favorable, but *I* sure enjoyed making it. Sorry if the ending seemed a *taaaad* rushed, but I had a deadline to meet, so NYAH. ^__^ UBER thanks to Tart, who was an indispensable help, not only with this part but in the rest of my life in general. Aishitteru. :3 Now to go write my Shops part. XD Godspeed! -MtB